


Hold Me Tight

by Twykad



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare, The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types, The Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Alec Lightwood Deserves Nice Things, Alternate Universe - Human, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bad Parent Maryse Lightwood, Bad Parent Robert Lightwood, Depression, F/F, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Happy Ending, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, Hurt/Comfort, I'm doing my best tho, M/M, Medical Inaccuracies, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protective Isabelle Lightwood, Protective Jace Wayland, Protective Magnus Bane, Rated Mature for triggering subjects, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Supportive Isabelle Lightwood, Supportive Jace Wayland, Supportive Magnus Bane, Triggers, depressed!Alec, probably
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-04
Updated: 2018-06-30
Packaged: 2018-11-09 00:44:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 31
Words: 95,075
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11093361
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Twykad/pseuds/Twykad
Summary: Life is tought and Alec's for sure never has been easy and when things seems to go up for him, they just crumbles down. And sometimes, despite a loving boyfriend and loving siblings, it just seems that there isn't enough light in his life anymore. And pain is eating him alive...





	1. Tick –Tock, Goes the Clock

**Author's Note:**

> Hi everyone !  
> I hope everyone is fine and that you will love this story!  
> I must precise something though: Alec's depression is roughly based on my way to deal with depression, everyone has a different way to do it, every depression has its own symptoms beside some commons ones. If you are depressed or know someone with depression it might not totally fit how you/they deal and live with it.

Alec hates night-time. He hates it with all his heart.    
He hates the incessant ticking of the clock. He hates waiting for slumber. He just wants to  _ sleep _ , once and for all.

He sighs deeply and looks to his side. Magnus is sleeping peacefully, his breathing even. Alec loves him so much, he’s so glad his boyfriend is there, next to him. He snuggles closer to Magnus and wraps his arms around him, hoping not to wake him up. But he does and feels the guilt kicking in as Magnus cracks an eye open.

 

“Insomnia again?” Magnus asks, his voice hoarse and sleepy.

 

Alec just nods and it’s Magnus’ turn to sigh. The Indonesian man hugs him back and kisses his chest, applying soothing caresses on his back. Alec closes his eyes and focuses on Magnus’ loving gestures until the smaller man eventually falls back asleep, unwillingly leaving him alone with his thoughts.

Alec is glad to have Magnus with him; it’s been three years now since he’s moved to Brooklyn for his studies, along with his sister and adoptive brother, Isabelle and Jace. It was only a year after the event, after their younger brother Max died,  and Jace and Izzy had decided to move away from their parents with him.    
  
Alec bites his lips; even now, he knows his parents are still blaming him for his little brother’s death. He shouldn’t have been trying to enter this stupid film school.    
He should have been there to pick Max up after school. But he had told them - even if they disapproved of his choice - that he couldn’t be there this time, because he had an audition.    
  
He fights back the tears that are threatening to fall. He knows it’s not  _ his _ fault. He knows his parents should have picked him up, he knows it is, in a way,  _ their _ fault if Max had to go home alone, they could have cleaned their schedules for their  _ family _ , for their  _ son _ .

Alec inhales deeply, trying to drive his thoughts to Magnus. The eccentric man is a light, a ray of sunshine in his life, with his shameless flirting, his enthusiasm, and his sweet attentions.

It had been a really unexpected turn of events for Alec, to fall in love with someone like Magnus and he can’t help a smile crossing his lips. It had taken months for Magnus to crack his shell. It had taken months for Alec to let himself love him back. But he has no regrets; Magnus is the best thing that has ever happened to him.

But what if all of this changes? What if Magnus gets tired of him or realizes he doesn’t really love him?  _ What if… _

He feels his heart contract and forces himself to calm down. Everything is  _ okay _ . Magnus loves him and he shows it everyday. But what if… No, he can’t let himself think that way.    
  
Inhale, exhale, slowly. Everything will be fine.

 

***

 

When Magnus wakes up, Alec seems to have finally fallen asleep. He smiles softly and brushes his boyfriend’s forehead with his lips before getting up, trying his best not to wake Alec in the process. He knows how little sleep time he usually gets..    
He’s glad it’s the week-end, because he doesn’t have to go to work and Alec doesn’t have to go to college. This morning, Alec can sleep and Magnus intends to make sure that’s what happens, or that, at least, his boyfriend spends the day in bed.

When he enters the bedroom again, he brings a tray with breakfast with him; spoiling Alec is one his guilty pleasures. It’s even better when he actually lets him do it. He hopes that Alec is still asleep, but he isn’t and he can’t help pursing his lips a bit before smiling softly to his boyfriend. His hair is a mess and his hazel eyes still have this sleepy shadow in them, and  _ how does one keep from smiling at this sight? _

 

“Hey, did I wake you up?”

“The bed is cold without you in it.” A pause. “Are you bringing me breakfast in bed?”

 

Magnus’ smile grows wider.

 

“I was thinking… Maybe we, meaning especially  _ you _ , could spend the day in bed. Resting, cuddling, anything you want… I’ll tell your noisy siblings to wait until tomorrow to see you.”

“Yeah?” Alec asks, a smile cracking on his lips.

“Yeah.”

He seems to be considering, then glances at the tray and back to Magnus. “I would love to.”

 

***

 

The week-end went on way too fast. Alec always wonders why good times are so quick to fade away, and he hates it. And now he just wants to go back in time, to the moment where he was in bed with Magnus, and press pause. He doesn’t want to be here, learning about business. He _hates_ business. He can’t even bring himself to listen to the teacher, not really, because he knows he has no choice. If he doesn’t study hard enough, his parents are going to give him crap about it and they’ll be even more disappointed in him… Then they will probably put the pressure (and the blame) on Izzy or Jace, and they don’t deserve it.   
But does he though?

  
He doesn’t have friends at college, doesn’t want any. He’s better off alone he thinks, with his books and the movies that he very legally downloads on his laptop. He doesn’t even try to be nice to the people who talk to him there. He just doesn’t care. Isabelle tried to call him out once, but he just shrugged it off. He doesn’t need to be the burden of one more person. He’s not  _ that _ selfish.

When Alec is finally done with classes for the day, he’s surprised to see Magnus waiting for him in front of the building. A smile tugs at his lips and he runs to his boyfriend.

 

“Hey…”

“Hey Handsome.” Magnus says with a wink.

 

Alec can feel the blush creeping at his neck and cheeks.

 

“Aren’t you supposed to be at work?”

“I thought that I could surprise you, since you’ve been going through a hard time recently.”

“Oh,” Alec starts to say, and there it is; the guilty feeling.

 

If he wasn’t such a mess Magnus wouldn’t have to pick him up when he has work to do. He looks downn, ashamed, until he feels Magnus’ hand on his cheeks.

 

“Hey, it’s my pleasure doing it. Raphael and Tessa will take care of everything, perk of working in team. Plus, we’ve been working on Raph’s new suit line lately, so they don’t need me  _ that _ much.” He explains, and tilts his head to meet Alec’s eyes. “Come on, I’m taking you on a date. There’s this new movie, the one I’ve seen you -”

“Magnus,” Alec interrupts. “I’ve work to do. I need to compensate for not working at all this week-end, but it’s okay, I’m fine.” He says, shaking his head lightly.

 

He doesn’t want his boyfriend to feel obliged to comfort him.

Magnus takes his hand.

 

“Alexander you’ve been waiting for this movie since it was announ-“

“I’m okay, Magnus. Let’s just go home.” He insists, squeezing his boyfriend’s fingers in his hand. “I’m tired anyway; I wouldn’t be able to focus on a movie right now.”

“Well, since you just called the place you almost live in ‘ _ home _ ’, I guess I can’t refuse. Not that I would be able to say no to those eyes.” Magnus answers with a wink.

 

***

 

Alec is not okay, Magnus knows it. But now it’s worse than what it’s usually like.. Alec has ups and downs, Magnus has always known him this way and his brother, Jace, is just being oblivious. Magnus thinks he just doesn’t want to see it. Isabelle sees it though. She always asks about Alec and how he’s doing, to which Magnus always says yes. She usually goes with it but always asks him to look after her brother, for her forensic studies are taking on a lot of her time. Magnus always nods. He tries, but sometimes, Alec shuts himself, so much that even he can’t read through him, and it hurts. It just hurts; to have to watch the one you love more than anything drowning and spiraling into depression, battling against themselves and trying to not let anyone see their wounds.

He squeezes Alec’s hand again, just to give him something to hold on to, to keep him grounded, to show him he’s not alone, that he’s there for him. Alec just looks down  and smiles sweetly at him, squeezing his hand back.

Magnus can’t really pinpoint when insomnias have started to come back. He doesn’t always wake up to see Alec’s struggle but then again, his boyfriend always does his best to not wake him up.

Alec is always so careful, with him, with his siblings, his parents, everyone and everything. He doesn’t want to bother anyone with anything that concerns him, ever. Magnus knows that and respects it, but it also worries him. He’s scared that one day, by holding too much weight on his shoulders, Alec, his  _ precious Alec _ , will  _ break. _

 

***

 

When they’re back at the apartment, Alec doesn’t know what to do. He should be studying, but he doesn’t want Magnus to have picked him up for nothing. Magnus must read his mind because he softly kisses him before speaking.

 

“How about we both stay in the living room and work, study for you. I’ll make us some tea and I think I still have some biscuits.”

 

    Magnus is perfect. How can he be so perfect? He even accepts the fact he is closeted with his parents. He’s okay with it, has been for three years now. Magnus is a  _ dream _ .

 

“Alec?”

 

Alec looks up and nods with a small smile. Magnus smiles back and turns around to go to the kitchen. Alec exhales and sits on the couch, taking his notes out of his bag.

When Magnus comes back, Alec already has his nose in one particularly difficult lesson and his brows are furrowed. He can’t help but smile though when he feels a kiss on his cheek and a hand ruffling his hair.

After an hour, he looks up and tilts his head, watching Magnus scribbling, probably doodling, on his sketchpad. Alec’s trying to remember which play he is designing the costumes for. His boyfriend has a small fashion and costume company, which he is managing with two of his friends. He started it last year and so far they have mostly been doing costumes for the theater next to their establishment, some clothes and two suits line because for some reason Raphael had a weird obsession with that. Magnus wishes for more, but he’s still happy with what they’ve got, and Alec seems positive that more clients will come one day anyway. According to his calculations, he can say that their business is doing pretty great for a one-year-old company.

 

“Inspired?” Alec asks, his curiosity piqued.

“Oh, Alexander, I’m always inspired when you’re next to me. You know you’re my muse.” He answers without even looking up but smiling teasingly as he knows how Alec is blushing right now.

 

Magnus is the only one Alec allows to call by his full name. It surprises everyone, it even surprised him at first, but he  _ loves _ the way Magnus purrs, because there’s no other word for the way he says it, his name. It’s rolling on his tongue and comes out sweet and loving. It makes him feel important.

 

“I love you.” He says and that makes Magnus’ eyes dart up because he doesn’t say it very often, not without apparent reasons.

“What is that for?” Magnus asks, genuinely moved as his voice becomes a faint whisper.

“Nothing, I-I just-“

“I love you too.”

 

Magnus is smiling and Alec smiles back and shrugs a bit. He sets his books down next to him and gestures for Magnus to come closer. His boyfriend obliges with a grin. Alec isn’t the warm and fuzzy kind of person, except for when it comes to Magnus. Because Magnus is  _ special _ . 


	2. Shattering Weight

Alec is reading a very boring paper on how business works in Europe when Isabelle bursts on Magnus’ apartment. They look up at her and raises a brow, giving her a questioning look, on the corner on his eyes, Alec can see both of Magnus’ eyebrows are raised.

 

“Alec, bad news and you should really tell Magnus to lock the door.”

“What bad news? And Magnus is just there so you can tell him yourself.”

“The parents are coming. This week-end.” She answers quickly, not letting time for any funny comment.

“What?!”

 

Alec jumps on his feet and the colour is drained from his face. His parents? Coming in New York? The reason wasn’t possibly to see their children. They barely visit them and when they do, they never do it without having an idea in mind. Last time they had tried to convince him to meet-up with some girl. Magnus had found the idea quite funny at first but it had quickly pissed him off. What would they want this time? Will they try again to set him up?

 

“Alec, maybe it’d be better if you don’t sleep here this week-end, since… they don’t know… you know.”

 

He throws a look at Magnus, praying for his lover not to be mad, but Magnus’ face is unreadable and as he nods, Alec can feel panic rising in him and he closes himself to not let it out.

 

“When are they coming?”

“Friday, in the evening.”

“… Okay, I-I’ll be home on Friday then.”

“And they want you to pick them up at the airport.”

“Okay.”

“You gonna be fine?”

“Yeah.”

“You’re sure?”

“Yes. Izzy, I’ll be fine. I just… wasn’t expecting them to come.”

" You guys are still coming for dinner?”

“Of course, Iz.”

 

When she’s gone, Alec turns to Magnus.

 

“I’m sorry Magnus I… I don’t have a choice.”

“I know Love, don’t worry. You be strong in front of your parents and if you need anything, you can text or call me. I’ll be there.”

“Would you… Do you want to meet them?” Alec blurts out at his own surprise.

They’re looking at each others for a long moment. Magnus looks shock, not that Alec can blame him, and he’s been closeted for so long now that it must not have been something Magnus thought he could hope for. But with Magnus’ words, Alec suddenly feels bold, maybe it’s time, it’s been three years now and he doesn’t want to argue again with his parents about dating, finding a wife. His parents hate him already anyway. One more disappointment wouldn’t change much would it? And Magnus deserves it, he is always there, so patient, so comforting, so understanding...

 

“How will you present me?”

“As my boyfriend.” He answers without hesitations. “It’s not like I can save my relationship with my parents anyway… And…” He shrugs. “I wouldn’t like it if someone tried to set you up with some random girls so… I don’t want you to endure this again so… I just thought… Maybe… Maybe I should stop hiding you?”

 

The next thing he knows is that Magnus’ lips are on his, and he melts into the kiss. Magnus is smiling against his lips and it worth it, deciding to, at last, stepping out the closet he still is in when it comes to his parents.

 

***

 

Magnus, though being slightly concerned about his boyfriend’s decision, couldn’t be happier. From the moment Alec will introduce him, no matter how his parents react, he knows he will feel like he is a total part of his boyfriend’s life, and frankly, Magnus couldn’t ask for more. He wants to be part of it all so badly that he has waited three years. He wouldn’t have done that for anyone else before but he is sure of this: Alec is the one and he could not let him go. 

He hopes that Maryse and Robert Lightwood will react better than what Alec has seemingly thought they will his whole life. He doesn’t only wish that for him, but also for Alec. He can not wait for this week-end, and if Alec’s parents react badly, he will be there for him; it will be their loss because Alec, Alec is incredible. But then again, he knows how they have been with their eldest son. He knows about Alec being forced to go to a business school instead of a film school and he knows about them blaming him for their youngest death. And if that isn’t bad parenting, well, what is it then? To be honest, even if he hasn’t met them yet, Magnus can’t really bring himself to be neutral about them he would scold them if he could, scream at them like he has never scream at anyone. But he will behave, for Alec’s sake.

“You shouldn’t be so impatient, you know that right? They’re homophobic, and you wear make up.”

“But you’re their son, so maybe they will be more acceptant?”

“Your optimism never ceases to amaze me Magnus.”

 

Magnus chuckles and kisses his boyfriend again. Alec seems happy right now but that doesn’t mean he is totally fine and the more Magnus is thinking about it, the more he worries.  Alec is too fragile recently and the older man is afraid that if his parents doesn’t react well, if they reject him, his depression will only worsen. 

 

***

 

When Alec had started to date Magnus, Isabelle must admit she had been worried because she knows that despite what he is showing her brother is fragile. She can’t count anymore the number of time she and Magnus have, after a meltdown, ask Alec if it wouldn’t be better if he tries to meet a psychiatrist, but he always refused. She had been worried that Magnus would break his brother’s heart; that he would just play then let him down. Except he hasn’t, Magnus is still here, three years later, still taking care of her big brother, still looking hat him with heart-eyes through pink glasses. Because really, that is how Magnus is looking at Alec. Even right now, when there are eating dinner and Alec’s ranting with his mouth half full about how the way Hawkeye and Arrow are shooting their arrows is not always accurate and how, as an archer, it’s frustrating. Magnus is drinking his words with an amused smile and Izzy can’t help but smiling too.

She puts her long wavy black hair behind her shoulders before talking.

 

“Alec, I know archery is  one of your favourite hobby but it’s just movies and series, of  _ course  _ they can’t get everything right.”

“But Hawkeye isn’t even  _ looking  _ at what he does sometimes!”

“Alexander is right sweetie, but this is still entertaining to watch. Archers’ arms, I  _ love _ it.”

 

She can’t help a laugh as her brother starts blushing and Jace rolls his eyes. ‘ _ Alexander’ _ no one else can call Alec like that without getting murdered.

 

“I’m going to introduce Magnus to our parents.” Alec says a moment later.

 

Jace chokes into his water and Izzy looks up sharply, eyes full of worry. How couldn’t she be worried? Her parents… Their parents are always so _narrow-minded_ it is almost _scary_. She knows Alec could end up disown, she doesn’t have any doubts about them being able to do that, she still remember the time she had wanted to date a cute ginger girl, she had barely told her mother she found the girl attractive her mother had slapped her. She still had had a relationship with the girl and Jace had pretended she was his girlfriend to cover her up, until she went into an art school; they had broken up there, ‘until fate brings them together again’. Izzy wonders if she’ll see her again. And the day they had seen two men kissing ‘ _this_ _kind shall all die_ ’ she had heard her father say.

If their parents don’t accept Alec…She is afraid her brother wouldn’t be able to handle it. After Max’s death Alec has done everything to please them, he even has put aside his dream to be a movie director; his relation with Magnus is actually the first thing he doesn’t put aside. The only hope has she has is that maybe, if they reject him, Magnus will be able to fix him or to at least help him to go through the pain, to survive it. And as she watches her brother determine look, she can’t bring herself to shut him down or to put doubts in his mind.

 

***

 

The day of his parent’s arrival comes way too fast for Alec’s liking. He wonders why they specifically asked for him to come and get them at the airport when they usually ask for Jace. He hates it because it only means one thing: they want something from him. 

He has told them he will present them someone though, he just hasn’t told them it’s a man and,  _ of course _ , it’s not a possibility they’d imagine. He has precise they’d meet at a coffee shop and that he will come here first, without them, just… Because it’s how things are supposed to go…Right? Alec doesn’t know, never before he has presented someone to his family and he honestly just wants a moment alone with Magnus first. He closes his eyes and inhales deeply before getting out of the car. The plane will land in few minutes.

His parents are silent the whole time they are in the car and he is almost disappointed they aren’t asking anything. Why don’t they do it? They surely need something from him. Right? Alec can’t even breathe properly; this silent is so much worse, like a mental torture. His mother is sending him suspicious looks. Why? Why does she always look at him as if he is hiding something or doing something bad? Does she know he is gay? The best is to ignore her, to not give her a chance to judge him even more. The best is to let her glare burning him when she still can look at him giving him at least a semblance of attention. She will know soon enough he is gay anyway. Tomorrow.

 

***

 

When his adoptive parents arrive, Jace shows them around before letting them making themselves home in Alec’s –unused- bedroom. Alec told them he will sleep on the couch. He is always the one scarifying himself and Jace is thankful for that. He is worried though, it’s a big decision his best friend and brother has taken and Alec looks more nervous than usual around his parents.

 

“Hey buddy, you gonna be okay?”

“Yeah.” Alec grumbles. “I just don’t get why they made  _ me  _ come to get them when they didn’t even said a word.”

“Maybe they were waiting for you to talk.” He shrugs. “Are you sure for tomorrow? Because… You know how they are and…Well… I think you shouldn’t do it.” Pause. “Seriously man, don’t do it.”

 

Alec purses his lips.

 

“I told Magnus I’d do it; there is no turning back now.”

“I’m sure Magnus would understand if he knew them.”

 

Alec sighs. He opens his mouth to answer but Maryse and Robert are coming back already so he just shakes his head slightly and turns to his parents. Jace is glad he doesn’t see him rolling his eyes because he would have only gain a murderous glare. And Alec’s murderous glares are really scary.

 

***

 

When he joins Magnus in the coffee shop the morning after, Alec doesn’t want to admit it but the small talk he has had with Jace the night before has been planting doubts and confusion in his head. If he was already nervous, it is even worse now and even Magnus’ presence doesn’t reassure him. Magnus who looks so hopeful and happy…It only makes his heart contract painfully. He wears little make up, less that usual. He is still eccentric in his style though, leather pant with combat boots and a shirt with a lot of chains. His hair is like it always his, spiky, with some colours. Magnus has apparently gone for a dark blue, it was still red yesterday. Alec thinks his boyfriend is beautiful, perfect, but his parents… Oh they’re so not going to like it.

 

“Hey, Magnus.”

“Hey, yourself, I missed you last night.”

“I missed you too.” He whispers.

 

He wants to kiss him. He can see the light pink gloss Magnus had applied shinning and he has to refrain himself because his parents will be there soon. They sit down and wait. Magnus respects that he is nervous and seems to be okay with the silence. He just smiles softly, reassuringly and deep down; Alec feels his boyfriend is nervous too.

“Alexander.” Maryse icy voice suddenly says.

 

He jumps to his feet immediately, but she isn’t looking at him. She is looking at Magnus, with a hateful disapproving glare and Magnus is frozen. His father is watching too, his brows furrowed.

 

“Mother…”

“What is that?” She asks pointing Magnus.

“He… He’s…” He stutters.

 

It’s the moment; it’s when he is supposed to tell the truth but then, all the confidence he has build up for this moment disappears as he feels his parents heavy judgmental look on him. Every word he has plan disappears eaten by his suddenly hazy mind. He demands nothing but telling everything to his parents but then, panic takes over.

 

“He’s my neighbour.” He says, unable to control the flow of words that is coming from his mouth, regretting it immediately. But it’s too late already and behind him Magnus gasps. “I… She broke up with me earlier so I was alone and he saw me and went to say hello.”

 

He’s breathing heavily and he regrets every word that is coming from his mouth… Even more when Magnus sharply stands up.

 

“Yeah, she  _ broke up _ with him.” He says and his voice is shaking, full of anger. “I better go now.”

 

Magnus hurries outside and Alec apologies to his parents, saying he must say thank him. He runs after his boyfriend. He shouldn’t have say that. He should have been honest. Magnus was so happy about it, so pleased that he was finally going to be presented to Alec’s parents and Alec… Alec has just throw it all away and he is sorry. He is so sorry…

 

“Magnus!”

 

Magnus stops, turns and everyone could see how furious and hurt he is.

 

“Magnus I’m sorry I-”

“No. I don’t want to hear any of your excuses…” He sighs and gives Alec a bitter smile. “You know, I really thought you will allow me to be a real part of your life, of your family.”

“You are!”

“No I’m not! I’m not  _ Alec _ , you just said to your  parents , Alec, your  _ parents; _ that your  _ girlfriend _ broke up with you. And as far as  _ I _ know, I’m a  _ man _ , Alec.”

“But I love you…”

“Yeah? Didn’t feel like that in the coffee shop.” He scoffs. “I don’t want to be your dirty little secret forever, Alec, I can’t be that okay?”

“Mag-”

“No Alec. Don’t say anything, because if you do I might end up saying something I regret. And I don’t want that.”

At these words, he turns his back to Alec and Alec can just watches him go, wondering if his relationship with Magnus, his Magnus, is broken. And it just  _ hurts _ ; it hurts so much he can barely breathe.


	3. Breaking Down

Magnus is pained and angry and though he knows he has been unfair with him he can’t help thinking that Alec might have deserved them. In a way, because he has been unfair too, reducing Magnus to the neighbour status, he could at least have told them he was a friend. Magnus sighs, he had so much hope and it feels like being rejected every time Alec doesn’t want to or can’t present him to his parents. But Magnus also understands; Maryse had referred to him as if he was a thing and that also had been painful and he gets why Alec has panicked but... He had hope that he would defend him.

His phone rings, Alec’s ringtone, and he chooses not to answer. Alec tries again, and again, and it’s hard not to answer, it really is, but he is still angry and he wants Alec to understand that, to get that he can’t act like that and hope Magnus to be fine with it. That because he is depressed and sensitive does not mean he can get away so easily from such a hurtful move. Instead, he turns his phone off and heads to his best friend’s place. He really needs to have a talk.

 

***

 

When Alec goes back to the coffee shop, he knows he is a mess. His jaw is clenched, and he is biting the inside of his cheeks to not cry. Lightwoods don’t cry. Not when they’re facing their parents. His parents are looking at him expectantly when they realise he is not sitting down.

 

“Well, what are you waiting for?” Maryse asks with a superior tone. “And I hope you don’t hang out with that neighbour of yours.”

“Why?” He asks back and he knows his voice comes out low and fragile.

“Oh come on Alec.” His father finally speaks, voice full of disgust. “You can see that he is a fag. We wouldn’t want you to be around this kind of person.”

“You’re father is right. He even wears make-up, what kind of “man” does that? And have you seen his s-“

“Stop.”

 

He can’t do it anymore. He can’t let them insulting the man he loves, the man he might be losing because he has been afraid of his parents. And he has been afraid for too long. He regrets Magnus isn’t here to see him. 

 

“Excuse me?”

“Stop insulting him!”

“Alexander,” Robert says in a mocking tone. “You can’t possibly defend-“

“My boyfriend.” He interrupts again and, God, it feels good. “I’m defending my boyfriend, and he is not gay, he is bi!”

 

His parents look at him, eyes wide, shocked.

 

“Is that a joke, Alec?” Maryse says and her voice sounds dangerous.

“I’m gay. I’m the fag and he is my bi boyfriend and I love him and-”

 

A loud slap rings in the café and Alec shuts his mouth. Robert, his father, slapped him, hard, in the face and he can barely believe it. All eyes are on them now and Alec can feel himself shaking as he brings his hand to his cheek. His ears are ringing, he is vaguely aware that his mother is screaming at him but he can’t proceed any word for a few seconds, maybe a minute. And when he picks up, he wished he didn’t.

 

“- And Jace and Izzy, I hope for their sake they don’t know. What a  _ shame _ you bring on us, on our name,  _ again _ . When will you stop being such a  _ disappointment _ ? You are a  _ burden _ to this family! I wish you weren’t my son, I wish Max was there and not you.” She hisses. “It would be better for you to be  _ dead _ than to be a...A faggot.” She spats, breathing heavily. “You better disappear from my sight, quickly.”

“B-But… I’m your son…” Alec stammers, begging for his parents acceptance.

“No. You are not part of this family anymore, you’re a monster, a freak and you are lucky we are in a public place or I would have  _ killed  _ you myself.” Robert says gravely, his voice full of hatred. “Come on Maryse, let’s go home.”

 

And then they’re gone and Alec is left, gaping, tears running down his cheeks. He knew it wouldn’t go well, he just didn’t know how far his parents would go, to ask him to be out of their life, maybe, but wishing his  _ death _ ? Telling him that he should  _ die _ ? It sounds impossible.

He barely notices the waitress asking him if he is okay, he just runs off the shop. He doesn’t want to make it all even more dramatic by sobbing in the middle of a café. It sounds ridiculous. Maybe he  _ is _ ridiculous. He wishes for Magnus to be there. He  _ needs _ him; he needs Magnus and his warm embrace, his reassuring words and kisses and his love. He takes his phone out from his pocket and tries to reach for him, but it’s the voicemail that welcomes in as soon as he dials his boyfriend’s number. He wants to leave a message but his voice is so broken he can’t even speak clearly and ends up hanging up. Could he be more of a mess?

 

***

 

Jace, though knowing about his brother’s plan doesn’t expect Maryse and Robert to be home so early. Maybe because he still hopes Alec will give up on it. He doesn’t want to accept what his happening and prefer imagine they didn’t go to the café in the end. But when he sees them gathering their belongings there is no place for doubt anymore.

 

“Mother, father what’s happening? What are you doing?”

“We’re leaving.” Maryse answers. “We can’t sleep on the same bed as… As a freak.”

 

Jace blinks twice, trying to process the harsh words escaping from the woman’s mouth.

 

“What do you mean?”

“It’s better if you never know, Jonathan, it’s better if you never know.”

“You mean that Alec is gay?”

 

The couple freezes.

 

“You know?” Maryse says in a breathe

“Do you also know about his… ‘Relationship’ with that neighbour?” Roberts asks.

“Of course I know! How couldn’t I?”

 

Maryse sighs and shakes her head as if he just told her the most disappointing thing ever. His adoptive parents close their luggage and pass by him.

 

“We hope you will come to your senses and go far away from Alec. It’s for the best.”

“Alec is my brother.”

“Not anymore.”

 

Jace can’t even answer to that.

Few minutes passes before Jace’s feelings change into anger and worry. He had told Alec he must not come out. He had told Alec it was a bad idea. He knew it would do no good and there they are and he doesn’t know what they can have possibly told Alec and how hurt he is, and how did Magnus react to them. How bad it did go.

Jace knows his adoptive parents are not always good persons, but they’re his parents and he loves them, he wants to keep his relationship with them. They always took a good care of him and now… This relation is in danger because if he has to choose, he will choose Alec’s side. And it makes him even angrier after Alec because he doesn’t want to have to do it, to choose. Not now. It’s unfair.

 

***

 

When Magnus reaches Ragnor’s house he flops into the nearest sofa, without telling a word. Ragnor raises a brow and crosses his arms on his chest.

 

“To what do I own the honour of your visit Magnus?”

“I had a fight with Alec.”

“I honestly hoped you’d said you missed me but I guess that will do to. Spit.”

 

Magnus sighs and starts telling everything. Isabelle bursting into their apartment to tell Alec’s parents were coming on the week-end, Alec words –promise? - to introduce him to them, Maryse harsh words, Alec panicking and introducing him as his neighbour and not even friend when Magnus had dared to hope he would defend and protect him… Then the fight, how he didn’t even had let his boyfriend explained himself and his own harsh words. Ragnor listens without interrupting.

“I regret my words but I want him to understand that it was not okay, he just can’t do that to me… Can he?” He finishes.

“We’re talking about your depressed boyfriend - don’t interrupt me, I am teaching in Psychiatry, remember? I know the signs - and his abusive parents here aren’t we? You reaction and anger are normal and legit but I think his were too, that doesn’t make what he did okay though.”

“Yeah… What do I do now?” Magnus sighs knowing his friend is right.

“I don’t know Magnus; maybe you should talk with him calmly, maybe tomorrow? Stay here tonight let’s prepare a nice dinner together, it always relaxes you, then you go home and tomorrow you show him your support, listen to his apologies and find a solution with him?”

“How can you always be so right?”

 

Ragnor smiles and shrugs.

 

“Because I’m  _ British  _ of course!” He exclaims “Do you want some tea my dear?” He adds with a wink.

 

Magnus nods, chuckling, he’s glad he has his friend with him. He turns his phone back on, just in case and thinks about sending a text to Alec but doesn’t in the end. Alec will be with his parents and stays at his siblings and his apartment during their stay anyway. His phone buzzes. Ten missed calls: nine from Alec, one from Jace. Magnus sighs, Alec must have told him about the fight, he doesn’t want to deal with the blonde right now, he will always take Alec’s side anyway, or at least try to make Magnus forgive him, which he isn’t ready to do at the moment. He sighs again and put his phone on the living room’s table before joining his friend on the kitchen.

 

***

 

When Alec arrives at the apartment, he hesitates to knock at Magnus’ first but decides to give him more time to calm down. Magnus still doesn’t answer his calls so maybe he can wait until dinner… He wishes he was with Izzy and Jace or that they would be there tonight, but they have something planned with their common friends. They had proposed him to go with them, but he had said no, it will only makes him realise even more that he has no friends, and someone needed to stay with the parents. Well, hasn’t this situation become funny? Alec alone with Maryse and Robert Lightwood. He opens the door, fear creeping inside him. Are his parents still there anyway? Are they going to do something against him if they are? Will have they think and figure something to get through their homophobia? God he wishes. Or are they gone? Did they leave and left Alec and his siblings because of him?

 

“Alec!”

 

Jace voice is strong - a mixture of worry and anger- and makes him flinch. His brother faces him in the entry and Alec puts his head down.

 

“Are the parents gone?”

“Yes, they are. Why did you tell them? I told you it was a bad idea! They almost asked me to choose between them and you! It’s like you didn’t think about the consequences it could have on Izzy and I!” Jace states frustrated before sighing. “Are you okay?” He asks obviously trying to swallow his anger.

Alec nods slowly, lying.

 

“They kept insulting Magnus after he left… So…It just came out… I… I had to, I couldn’t let them... ”

“What do you mean after Magnus left? I thought he was supposed to be with you the whole time.”

 

Alec bites his lower lip.

 

“When they arrived… I… The glare they threw at Magnus was so mean I just… I just panicked… And… I told them my girlfriend dumped me and that he was passing by… Jace, I introduced him as our neighbour, not even as a friend and… He is so angry at me now… I don’t know what to do…”

 

***

 

Jace looks at him silently, letting the information sliding down. He doesn’t want to lash out on Alec because it not  completely his fault if he got scared, even he would have been scared. But lowering Magnus at the neighbour status only to endanger the already fragile equilibrium in their family…  Jace can’t think clearly anymore. He wants his parents back, he wants Alec to be happy with Magnus even if it means hiding their relationship, he wants everything back to normal, where everything is still fine. He knows he shouldn’t blame Alec for everything, really, he knows, but he needs to let his anger and frustration out and Alec is there already so guilty looking like a kicked puppy.

 

“Seriously Alec, it’s like you’re doing everything to get shit in your life. You presented Magnus as our neighbour, seriously? Be brave for God damn’s sake! And don’t be surprised the day he breaks up with you because you aren’t enough anymore.” He says harshly.

 

Alec opens his mouth then shuts it when Jace passes by him to leave the apartment. Jace needs to breath, needs to think, needs to get away from Alec and the toxic environment their parents always leave in their track. He hurt Alec and it’s painful because Alec doesn’t deserve to be hurt but… He didn’t lie, it  _ is _ like Alec always search for pain, it  _ feels  _ like Alec wants it somehow… Why else would he always end up in trouble?

Jace runs his hand on his face. Inhale. Exhale. Breathe. He sighs then, and goes to join Isabelle. He wonders if he should tell their sister what happened. She will guess soon enough that something bad occurred, she is a smart one. Maybe over dinner. Jace needs to calm down first, needs to forget his frustration and the impossible pain on his brother’s eyes.


	4. Life

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some of Alec thoughts are also mine as I try to keep this fiction as realistic as possible, this chapter can be triggering so read with caution.

 

The words are ringing on his head, not only his brother’s but his parents and Magnus’ as well. They are ringing and hurting and Alec doesn’t know what to do with all this pain that so cruelly submerges him, so he does what his siblings and his boyfriend would do; he opens the alcohol cupboard and takes the first bottle he finds. He takes a sip directly from the bottle and the taste is so strong he can’t help but grimace as the liquid burn his throat.

He fucked up; he knows that, God he fucked up so bad. He has hurt Magnus, he has disappointed his parents, again, and he has hurt his brother and made him angry… And Isabelle, Jace is going to tell her and she is going to be just as mad and disappointed. Will they ever forgive him? He wonders taking another long sip. Probably not. How could they? Another gulp. He messes up everything. Another one. Every fucking time. Another one. And even if they do. A swallow again. He doesn’t deserve it. And again. He doesn’t deserve anything good. And again.

It doesn’t take that long before he is sure to be totally drunk and trying to call Magnus, again. He needs to tell him he told his parents. He wants his boyfriend beside him, even if he doesn’t deserve someone as caring as Magnus, he needs him, God, he needs him so bad.

 

***

 

Not answering Alec’s calls is becoming harder and harder for Magnus. His phone keeps ringing and he can barely ignore it. But he isn’t ready to talk with him again yet, he doesn’t care if it’s childish, he doesn’t want to listen to Alec’s poor excuses.

Ragnor lets out a frustrated groan as the phone rings again.

“Magnus, you either turn the sound off or I throw it by the window.”

Magnus sighs and hesitates a second before rejecting the call and turning off the sound. It’s surprising though, he thinks, Alec has never been the kind of clingy boyfriend, even when they fight, he usually wait for both of them to calm down before apologizing or trying to discuss again. He sighs and put down his phone on the counter again before getting back to cooking Ragnor and his dinner. Magnus won’t let the worry take the best of him.

“I didn’t know Alec was so persistent.”

“He isn’t.”

“Is that why your concern is so strong it’s palpable?”

 

Magnus rolls his eyes, doesn’t even bother to answer that and is more than relieved when his phone finally stops lighting up every two minutes. Alec is probably with his parents again. That sole thought is pissing him off again. Magnus can still hear Maryse referring to him as a thing and he can still see Alec going along with that and introducing him as his neighbour. Which he is. He is Alec’s neighbour, but he is also so much more… Hell Alec practically lives with him now! Magnus cut the vegetables with so much rage that Ragnor is startled. How can one be so afraid of his own parents? It was ridiculous. And if Alec hadn’t been sure he was able to present him he just shouldn’t have let Magnus hope. This was an unfair and plainly cruel joke to play. Does Alec even realise?

 

***

 

The bottle is half empty now. Was it even completely full at the beginning? Alec doesn’t remember. He doesn’t even care. The only think he is able to think about is the words he has received today. They are mixing up in his head in no particular order. And they are all so true.

_ “You’re a  _ **_burden_ ** _.” _

_ “You  _ **_aren’t_ ** _ enough.” _

 

How many time did he have to hear that? He already has so many times. He never is enough he always ends up being dead weight to others. He doesn’t even know how Magnus kept up with him for so long, how his siblings supported leaving with him without wanting to strangle him. Maybe they did, maybe they still want. He can’t even please his parents just once. Just one time. He is always the disappointment. He never does what he is supposed to do and he is ashamed, so,  _ so _ ashamed. It’s not a surprise he never had friends.

_ “Your  _ **_girlfriend_ ** _ broke up with you. And as far as I know, I’m a  _ **_man_ ** _.” _

Had Magnus broke up with there? He suddenly wonders and it gives an uneasy feeling in his stomach. Is it why he has been ignoring all his calls? Alec feels sick. What if? What if? What if? Alec doesn’t know if he can survive a breakup; he needs the older man too much, he needs him so much he can’t breath without him. But Magnus will probably be better without him right? Happier. He will not have to worry all the time. To hide it when he is angry to protect Alec. Protecting him for what anyway? He doesn’t deserve protection. Magnus has been too kind to him. So kind and so good. 

 

_ “I wish Max was there and not  _ **_you_ ** _ ” _

 

Maybe they are right after all. Maybe it  _ is _ his fault, all his fault if Max died… He has kill his brother. He wasn't there for him. He ignored the boy’s needs and he went for that stupid film school audition. If he hadn't been nothing like that would have happened, he would have pick up Max and his brother would still be alive. The sudden guilt hits him like a punch on the stomach. He thought he had made peace with it but now… he isn't so sure. 

He takes his head in his hands, pressing the palm against his ears, to shut the voices echoing in his mind, cold and merciless, fighting against the sobs trapped in his throat and he wants to scream.

_ “It would be better for you to be  _ **_dead_ ** _ than to be a...A  _ **_faggot_ ** _ ”. _

_ “I would have  _ **_killed_ ** _ you myself.” _

_ Death _ . The  _ sweet _ idea. Everything will get better if he dies right? He won’t be a disappointment for his parents anymore, he won’t hurt his siblings anymore and Magnus… Magnus deserves so much better, he won’t have to handle him anymore, to confront him every time they cross path in the hallway of their building, Magnus won’t have to feel any regrets about breaking up with him. If he dies, he will not be such a  _ burden _ anymore. The world will be _ so  _ much better  _ without _ him. He almost cries at the realisation. He closes his eyes. He is sorry, he is  _ so sorry _ everyone had to put up with him for so long… He looks down at his phone and he just want to tell Magnus he  _ loves _ him, just one  _ last _ time. And so he does. He sends a text, just one last time.

Alec is glad his sister study forensic because he knows she has just what he needs in her bedroom. Isabelle always keeps a kit of scalpel at home and one at her forensic school, just in case the one she usually uses in class gets stolen. It had happened in her first year and this is just  _ perfect _ . It doesn’t even take him much time to find it. When Alec takes one, he isn’t even trembling. He thought he would have, with all the alcohol he drank… But he is glad he doesn’t and heads to his bedroom. Sitting on the bed, he looks at his wrist. His veins are swollen, like a pattern under his pale skin, so inviting, it’s almost like it’s calling for the scalpel, asking to be cut; it’s almost like they were made for this, waiting for him to finally take his decision. He knows what he has to do now.

The first cuts on his wrist are easy; the scalpel smoothly going through his skin. It’s so easy Alec almost  _ smiles _ . Cutting the other one is not as easy though, because of all the blood, flooding from the already cut wrist. His hand shakes a little and he breathes slowly to concentrate. He thought it would hurt but it’s not half as painful as he imagined it. Alec drops the scalpel next to him and he watches the blood leaving his body, somehow, he can’t help but being fascinated by the bleeding abundance.

 

***

 

“You’re an idiot.” Isabelle states, crossing her arms.

The blond man flinches. Jace has just finished telling her what happened: Alec’s fight with Magnus, Alec saying the truth to their bigoted parents and Alec’s fight with Jace. Isabelle wasn’t even surprised when he had told her Maryse and Robert left. She knows them though it still hurts that they didn’t even warn her and say good bye. They still are in the restaurant but she had seen her brother’s guilt on his face and couldn’t let it passed. It was only at dessert that she was able to stir words from him. She sighs.

“I know, Iz, I was just so furious… And not only at him, I swear, I’m mainly furious at the parents but Alec was there and they were not.”

She gets it. She really does. But Isabelle can’t help but worrying about Alec being alone in the apartment with almost everyone mad at him. He is probably beating himself up  for that even if it’s not entirely his fault. Alec is the kind of guy who takes all the blame; he always has. Izzy doesn’t remember a day where she was blame for a mistake she made because Alec was always there, making sure he was the one to be punished.

Alec doesn’t cry often, she knows that, but she can’t get out the image of him crying himself to sleep because he thinks everyone is going to hate him forever… Just as he did when he pondered about coming out to her and Jace. He had been so afraid… She remembers hearing him crying that night. She had snickered into his bed and asked what was wrong. She remembers how long it had taken until he finally confessed that he was gay and how he had begged her not to hate him. She remembers hugging him, letting him cry on her shoulder for the first time, until he finally fell asleep.

None of them ever told Jace about that night.

“We should come home right after dinner.” She says.

“I thought you wanted to go to the club?” Jace argues clearly annoyed.

“Well,  _ I _ think we shouldn’t let Alec home alone the whole night after the day he just had. And I think  _ you _ should apology to him.”

Jace falls silent a moment, considering, before slowly nodding. He knows she is right so he isn’t arguing more. Isabelle knows Jace doesn’t want to see Alec’s anguish, he is often denying to himself the fact it is there, but he still knows it’s here, Isabelle is sure of that.

 

***

 

He doesn’t know for how long he has been watching now but he knows one thing: it’s taking  _ too long _ . Why is it taking so long? Alec feels tears in eyes as he trying to cut again with angry and messy wounds. His hands are shaking and he ends up dropping Isabelle’s scalpel on the floor, and he cries for that.He is ridiculous; he can’t even kill himself properly… He is such a failure.  

And then he remembers. He still has his sleeping pills on the bathroom. Maybe if he takes enough of them… Alec gets up and stumbles as he walks to the bathroom. When he reaches it, he searches for his pills with hurry. His hands are trembling so much now that it makes almost everything in the cupboard fall before finally finding them.

Alec doesn’t even know how he manages to open and clear out the bottle in his hand. He knows even less how he manages to swallow them, to hold the glass of water long enough to full it and take it. But he does, and that is all that matter.

This time, it doesn’t take long for him to feel that he is drifting and he feels relieved, so  _ relieved _ … His thoughts are hazy and it feels  _ amazing _ . His ears are buzzing and he barely hears Magnus’ ringtone echoing in the apartment.  _ Magnus _ . Maybe… Maybe he can say goodbye to Magnus. Alec’s body feels heavy and every step is hard to make. Why is everything so hard? He barely makes it to the door, having just the time to open it before collapsing between the bathroom’s tiles and the corridor’s wooden floor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Suicide is not to be romanticise and it won't be in that fiction. Alec will not miraculously be fine again thanks to Magnus' love. The point is to show how to deal with suicide attempt and the aftermath. How it changes relation between people and how it affects and change things for everyone. The victim and his loved ones.  
> I never went that far be I almost did. It might not be totally accurate as everyone has their own way to deal with those situations.


	5. Take the Pain Away

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little early but I'm sick, it's 2AM and I can't find sleep so... Enjoy ?

       Magnus finds it impossible to enjoy the end of his dinner with Ragnor. He had tried to call Alec after reading the latter’s text “ _ I’m sorry Magnus and I love you so very much, please never forget it. _ ”, which is very  _ un _ -Alec, but his boyfriend didn’t answered and Magnus hasn’t been able to calm the uneasy feeling in his stomach after that. Alec always answers, especially after a fight and despite all the reason Magnus finds that would explain his boyfriend’s silence, he feels that something is  _ wrong _ .

 

“Magnus, stop sulking, you’ve been ignoring him for the whole evening maybe it’s just payback.”

“Alec doesn’t do payback, Ragnor, especially when he’s responsible for our arguments.”

“Maybe he is busy with his parents?” Ragnor suggests and Magnus winces. “Just send him a text instead of whining.”

 

Magnus rolls his eyes at his friend and resigns to listen to him, hoping for Alec to answer quickly enough to calm his worry. Just to be sure he doesn’t miss a new call or a text; he puts the sound back on.

 

***

 

When he opens the apartment’s door, Jace is surprised by the silence; it’s not even that late so Alec shouldn’t be sleeping. Maybe he’s reading or maybe he made-up with Magnus, though he doubts about it because, from the outside of the building, there hadn’t been any lights visible at Magnus’ windows. He sighs as Izzy pushes him inside.

Jace doesn’t really like the silence around them, he strangely feels anxious, for no apparent reasons. When he notices Alec’s phone on the couch, he decides to call for his brother.

 

“Alec?” He calls out walking to the other man bedroom. “Alec, look, I’m sorry I yell-“

 

His voice gets lost and his breath gets stuck in the back of his throat. There is  _ blood _ , blood everywhere in the corridor and Alec, lying in the middle, eyes closed and pale as death. In every movie Jace saw the protagonist screams his brother name, but no sounds come out Jace’s mouth, he just runs toward Alec and shakily checks for a pulse. Only when he finds a weak one his voice comes back.

 

“ _ Izzy _ ! Izzy call 911!” He screams as he looks around him. “I need towels, small towels!” He adds taking his brother’s wrist and pressing as tight as he can against the cuts.  

 

 He hears her footsteps coming toward him and a yelp, Jace turns around and Isabelle is frozen and already has tears in her eyes.

 

“Iz!” He urges breaking her frozen state.

 

The rest happens in a blur. Trying to apply a tourniquet with clean towels from the kitchen, the ambulance men  _ pushing _ him out of the way,  _ taking _ Alec from him and Isabelle, inviting them to follow them into the ambulance. Jace doesn’t even remember when they actually get to the hospital and for how long he has been sitting in the waiting room now, Isabelle crying silently beside him.

 

“We should tell Magnus…”

 

It is a whisper coming from his sister but Jace is still startled. He considers her for a moment but she is right again. Magnus is Alec’s _boyfriend_ and has always been there for Alec, for _all_ _of them_. He deserves to know what happened. It would be unfair not to warn him when Alec is in surgery, fighting for his life.

Jace takes his phone out of his pocket. His hands are trembling; he hadn’t even noticed that he is still shaking until now. He closes his eyes and inhales deeply before pressing “call” on Magnus’ contact name.

 

“What?” Magnus snaps as soon as he answers, clearly not wanting to talk to Jace right now, he would probably prefer talking to Alec… Alec…

“Alec tried to kill himself.” He blurts out.

       

       There, Jace said it, out loud, and it hits him, all at once, as if he hadn’t realised it before, as if it had been just an ugly thought; Alec tried to  _ kill himself _ . Alec  _ isn’t _ fighting for his life in surgery; he wants to end it.

 

***

 

Magnus has gone through the pain of heartbreak several time before but never oh never it has hurt this much. It’s like his heart has been  _ ripped  _ out of his ribcage. The second Jace had told him what Alec,  _ his _ Alec, had done it had felt like the ground had opened below him, like his whole world was  _ crumbling _ . And it still feels like it, as Ragnor leads him to his car, not even trying to sooth him because he knows, right now, no words, no nothing can reduce the ache in his heart. He isn’t crying though, he wants to, but nothing comes out.  _ Anger, guilt, fear, sadness _ ; they’re all taking over him, drowning him. Why did they leave him alone? He shouldn’t have been so harsh toward Alec; he should have answered his boyfriend’s calls. Will Alec make it? Please let him lives. Magnus needs him so much… He should have known better.

“Magnus, we’re here.” Ragnor says softly. “Do you want me to come with you?” He proposes. “You sure?” He asks again when Magnus shakes his head.

“Please.” He asks, his voice hoarse, Magnus doesn’t want his best friend to see him break like he knows he’s about to.

“Send me updates okay?” Ragnor demands, understanding Magnus request.

 

And Magnus wants to run to the hospital and he wants to scream, he wants to break. But all of his steps are painfully slow and his throat is too tight to let any sounds escape. His jaw and fists are clenched when he passes the doors of the hospital. He notices Jace immediately, seemingly waiting for him. The blond man has tears rolling down his cheeks, which are now red and his face is painfully contracted. The cocky vibe that is usually following him everywhere, every time, is gone and he looks like he is lost but isn’t looking around him, eyes fixed on the entrance but staring blankly. Jace looks like; every bit of what makes him who he is has disappeared. He just looks  _ broken _ and as Magnus walks to him, he has no doubt that he  _ is _ . He doesn’t even need to say anything or to do anything when he is finally facing him; Jace takes him into his arms. They’ve  _ never _ hugged before, but it is a welcomed and strong embrace. Magnus can feel the younger man’s tears soaking his shirt but can’t bring himself to care nor to cry as well.

       He waits until Jace let go and when he does, he leads him into the waiting room he probably was before the call. Magnus is surprised not to see Isabelle.

 

“Isabelle has to give some of her blood.” Jace answers to the unspoken question and Magnus it makes feels dizzy.

“What happened?” He manages to ask, voice as tight as his throat.

“Alec…” Jace takes a deep breath and closes his eyes. “He cut his wrist and… He took medications… And he was drunk. Alec is never drunk is he?”

 

Magnus shakes his head. He needs to sit down because his legs aren’t supporting his weight anymore. No, Alec is  _ never _ drunk, Alec doesn’t even like alcohol. Magnus doesn’t even  _ want _ to proceed the two other information; it’s way to hard and fills his mind with ugly pictures. Alec bleeding out, his wrists open, alone,  _ abandoned _ . His eyes water but no tears are falling. He doesn’t deserve to cry. He is also guilty for he has let Alec alone even though he knew how fragile his boyfriend was, how  _ depressed _ he was… And all the things he couldn’t see when he knew it was bad, but not  _ that _ bad. He knew one day Alec might break, but not like  _ that _ .

 

***

 

When Isabelle comes back, pale, a patch on her arm, Jace immediately open his arms for her. She sits next to him and lies down, head on his lap. She isn’t crying anymore, her makeup is smudge and her eyes are dry now. She looks exhausted, holding her arm, where they’ve taken the blood for Alec. Jace feels guilty; Isabelle is the only one who didn’t fight with Alec today. Isabelle doesn’t deserve to go through all of this. Jace presses his lips together, tears coming up again; he is so sorry…

Jace can feel that next to him, Magnus is holding his tears. The older man hands are clenched on his leather pants, knuckles white.

 

“He told them. After you left, he told them about who you really are for him.” Jace suddenly says.

 

He turns to him, and watches Magnus’ eyes water, full of guilt. A guilt Jace understand at this point they share and Jace can almost hear the Asian man’s heart break once more. He wants to ease the feeling on Magnus’ shoulders but the words just come out of his mouth, messy and awkward.

 

“Our parents came back at the apartment, furious. I was still there and… They left, and they were saying that Alec wasn’t part of our family anymore, insulting him… I don’t know what they said to him… Please forgive his panic, our parents can be monsters. If he makes it, please forgive him okay? So I know I really was wrong when I told him you will end up break up with him…”

“You did what?” Magnus asks; his voice hoarse and angry. “Are you insane? And you have to know I could never break up with Alexander over this,  _ never _ . I  _ love _ him.”

“Of course you wouldn't! I know that! It’s just... I was angry, I was so angry and sure that our parents will make us, Izzy and I, choose between them and Alec. And I will choose Alec but… It means I’m losing my parents, again and I took everything on Alec… I’m so sorry Magnus, this is all my fault…”

“And I shouldn’t have leave like that and I should have answered the phone when he called.” Magnus says, his voice trembling. “It’s too easy to take all the blame Jace… To torture ourselves with everything that happened today and might have or have not lead to that, and believe me… Believe me, that’s exactly what is going on in my head since you called me. But that is not what Alec needs us to do right now.” He adds taking his head in his hand and closing his eyes.

 

Jace feels some drops on his jeans, Isabelle is crying again.

 

***

 

Never in her life before Isabelle would have thought she could lose one of her siblings. Yet, just a few years ago, her youngest brother, Max, had been killed in an accident and she misses him. Always so joyful, so passionate – especially about those Japanese comics; “Manga, Iz, manga!” he would have corrected –, so full of  _ life _ . It was the tragedy of their family; none of them had fully recovered yet. And no one will. But Alec has been the one her parents put the blame on, and he is the one who has been the most affected. Alec who always took so much care of his youngest brother, always trying to make him laugh and smile, never more carefree with anyone else. Alec who seemed to look at Max like he was the brightest and warmest ray of sunshine. Alec who for one time had decided to put himself first, thing he never had done before. Alec who has never been extraverted, always alone at school if it weren’t for her and Jace. Always with his books and movies, stating he didn’t need friends, always working hard to fulfil their parents’ expectations, always so strong and yet, always so fragile as well.

Alec has always looked like he is holding the weight of the whole world on his shoulder, even when he was just a kid. He probably is the most serious person Isabelle has even known. He doesn’t laugh often, he gives up on his passions for some boring studies, he takes care of them in a way parents do, and he doesn’t do parties nor hang out much.  And before Magnus, he had never looked really happy with his life. He still has up and down, sure, but he smiles more, laughs more, it actually seems that he has stop surviving and has start existing.

Never had she thought she could lose him too.

But she might be right now, at this very instant and everything is crumbling down; her brother, her big brother is right here, few doors away,  _ dying _ , leaving her and the sole thought is so insufferable, she wishes it’s only the worst nightmare she ever had.

“Are you Alexander Lightwood’s family?” A gentle feminine voice asks and in a fraction of second they’re all standing up. “I’m doctor Branwell, I’m in charge of him.” She explains with what she obviously wants to be a polite soothing smile.

“How is he?” Jace asks bluntly.

 

The smile disappears from the doctor’s face and Isabelle feels her heart dropping. It’s almost morning now, she is almost sure. But seconds had felt like hours, minutes like days and hours like weeks; maybe she has just lost track of time.

 

“We did what we can; we almost lost him but we stopped the bleeding, stitched the wounds, washed his stomach and transfuse new blood…” She explains, hesitant. “But you must know; he did a lot of things to himself. Sleeping pills and alcohol on little dose is already a bad mixture but with such a high quantity of drug and alcohol…” She closes her eyes for a second and inhales deeply. “It provoked a coma, and this kind of sleeping pills and alcohol induced coma can lead to a seizure or for the patient to stop breathing so we put him under oxygen and breathing assistance but… He will either wake up in the next few day or…” She shakes her head in defeat but they all understand the words that are left unsaid. “I’m sorry.”

 

There is a long silence following that. They’re all looking at the young doctor, open mouth, not wanting to believe it. Isabelle can feel Jace’s strong hands tightening painfully on her shoulders. Somehow, it gives her some strength.

 

“Can we see him?” She asks.

“In a few, family only.” The doctor answers, tilting her head at Magnus whom for his obvious Asian traits wouldn't pass for a sibling or a parent even if he tried to.

“Magnus is family.” Jace says firmly.

 

The doctor smile slightly and nods.

 

“I’ll be back to you in a few.” She repeats.

 

It’s only when she’s gone that Isabelle allows herself to cry again in her brother’s arms.

 

***

They go back to their sits in silence, Isabelle snuggling close to Jace again, seeking his comfort and giving him hers. They should all be relieved but somehow, they can’t allow themselves to; even though his boyfriend survived tonight, he is not safe, he might still die. Magnus can feel tears battling up at his eyelids as he put his face on his hands again; he can’t even begin considering a life without Alec.

Jace’s words are strangely the only thing that comforts him a little. “ _ Magnus is family _ ”. Magnus and Jace aren’t really close to begin with and though they kind of get along, their friendship is mostly teasing, pretending to hate each others and fake battling for which one of them Alec likes the most. He hadn’t hope for Jace to defend him so that he can see Alec. It was something he would have expected Isabelle to do. He was pretty close to her, sharing makeup tips and hanging out regularly for shopping, among other things. But it was Jace who had stood up for him, claiming he is family and Magnus, who’d always wished he was part of a family and thought Alec wouldn’t let him because he wouldn’t tell his parents, could not be more thankful toward the blond man. Jace makes him realises Alec wasn’t lying when he told him he was part of his family, he hadn’t say that to keep Magnus, he had say that because it is real, it is the truth, maybe not with the parents, but with everyone else.

 

“Thank you, Jace, for earlier.” He almost whispers.

 

It almost feels awkward, knowing the situation they are in, to say “thank you” to someone. Magnus almost let out a sob when Jace put his hand on his shoulder.

 

“You’re Alec’s boyfriend, he loves you and he needs you, therefore you’re family Magnus. You need to see him as much as we do.”

 

Magnus bit his lips and tugs a bit at his hair, he wants to fight tears but he eventually gives up, as Jace gently strokes his back. He is not sobbing loudly but his shoulders are shaking, his tears are flooding and his breath his uneven. He feels defeated, so defeated. He can’t lose Alec, not now, not ever. And neither can Alec’s siblings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If anyone is wondering, yes, all I wrote about alcohol mixed with sleeping pills is true, I made researches about it and the procedures surrounding it, there might be some medical innacuracies though, as well as some protocole ones, I don't really know much about how things work in hospitals but I'm trying to keep things as realistic as possible, please don't mind it too much?
> 
> If any of you is having issues or suicidal thoughts, please talk to someone, you can even talk to me if needed. And know that you are not alone and that you are loved <3


	6. Hymn for the Loving

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone :)  
> So here is a new chapter, it was a little bit hard for me to write it because I didn't know how to describe the feeling I wanted to show. I did my best though, of course.  
> I hope to not disappoint you and that you will enjoy this chapter ;)

When they enter the room half an hour after seeing the doctor, Magnus stays at the entrance, letting Jace and Isabelle rushing to Alec’s side first. The black haired boy is so pale, paler than usual, almost  _ grey _ . There are thick bandages covering his wrists up to his forearms and tubes on his nose and arms and a transparent mask is covering his face from his nose to his chin, circling his mouth. But what makes Magnus stomach flips the most is the electrocardiogram and its noise, its incessant “ _ beeps” _ ringing to his hears, it is steady and quite slow, making Magnus own heart ache painfully. He thought he was done crying, but silent tears find their way to his cheeks. He is about to Jace and Izzy them when a voice stops him.

 

“Magnus!”

 

He startles and turns to see a beautiful black woman with bright platinum hair and a nurse blouse, running at him, worry written all over her face. Catarina. He had almost forgotten she works here. Alec has always been  _ mesmerized _ by her beauty and Magnus could never agree more, her beauty is indeed mesmerizing, just as Isabelle’s but in a different way. It was quite amazing how she has inherited of her father’s near white hair and blue eyes and her mother’s deep brown skin. Magnus couldn’t count the number of times Alec has teased him stating that if he wasn’t gay, Magnus should have been worried. He barely has the time to blink that she hugs him, shortly but tightly.

 

“Ragnor called me; I came to you as soon my shift ended. I’m sorry I couldn’t free myself sooner.” Catarina says wiping Magnus’ tears with her thumbs. “I really wanted to but-“

         Magnus abruptly takes her back in his arms, head on her shoulder.

         “There were others lives to save.” He completes for his friend.

       They stay like that until Magnus breaks the hug. She then takes his hand and they enter the room. He doesn’t have to look at her to know she goes to embrace Isabelle and Jace as well, giving her comfort and support. Perk of having a nurse friend, they know how to comfort the best in these situations, he wishes he could joke, but he doesn’t have the heart to it and the thought doesn’t even make his lips twitch.

Magnus sits on the chair on the left side of the bed Alec lies in. He doesn’t know if he shall talk or not, and he isn’t sure he  _ wants _ to, not in front his friends. He puts his hand on Alec’s though. He doesn’t dare to squeeze it, as if it could hurt the young man.

        “You guys should talk to him.” Catarina says softly. “I don’t know for sure he hears you but that’s something I like to believe… And it does help.”

“Help  _ us _ , or  _ him _ ?” Isabelle asks, her voice shaking.

“ _ Both _ , I hope. Whether he wakes up or not, I believe it’s up to him.”

       “I really don’t see how.” Jace answers almost angrily and Magnus would probably have scold him if didn’t feel the same right.

        “You won’t know if you don’t try.”

 

***

 

Jace can’t remember if he has ever felt so scared before in his life. Probably not. He was a  _ very _ brave kid as a child; never really scared of anything, with a serious obsession about being some kind of super-hero dragging Alec with him to save the world and everyone from the evil  _ ducks _ , the only thing that had always scared him: ducks. But besides the duck fear, he was always cocky and sure, always so  _ confident _ .

But right now, he isn’t confident, he is desperate. Desperate for Alec to open his eyes, desperate for Alec to scold his cocky ass like he often does, with this fond disapproving glare of him. But Alec doesn’t even move a bit, lying on the bed like a dead man, like life has completely left his body, and Jace would be tempted to believe so if Alec’s chest wasn’t regularly raising, and the radiograph wasn’t beeping restlessly.

Alec has always been Jace’s best friend. From the moment Jace had been adopted and had become Alec’s brother, something had clicked between them and they were almost immediately able to understand each others without bothering talking; stares and gestures being enough for them to get what one wanted to say.  Jace still remember how hard he had tried to be strong and collected, mourning the death of his biological parents. He remembers how everyone was praising him for being like that, for not breaking, everyone  _ except Alec _ . Because Alec knew; he was always looking at him with a worried look and at night, when everyone else was sleeping, he would slip silently into Jace’s bed, embracing him in a strong hug and only then, the blond little boy he was would allow himself to cry and show how hurt and sad he was, how much he was suffering and how much he just wishes for his mom and dad to be there with him.  _ No one _ took and takes care of Jace like  _ Alec _ did and does. No one understands and support him like  _ Alec _ does. Quickly enough, Alec had become his anchor. And he still is. So much that Jace hadn’t even realised that maybe, Alec needed him to be his anchor as well. More like he didn’t want to realise it. And Jace knows that if he had, maybe Alec, his best friend, his  _ brother _ , wouldn’t have tried to  _ kill _ himself tonight. He has relied on Alec too much, taking him for granted. But Alec is  _ dying _ there now and Jace, though Isabelle and Magnus are there too, won’t find someone like Alec to help him go through the fear of losing him.

Jace knows he will be lost if Alec dies and as tears roll again on his cheeks, he promises himself that if -when- Alec wakes up, he will make up for all theses years he didn’t took care enough of Alec. He will show him that he too, can be trusted to be an anchor, Alec’s anchor. And he wants to talk to him, to tell him all of that, but it just seems so pointless right now… After all, Jace has seen it in movies, even if -when- they can hear you, comatose will not remember a word you said to them if -when- they wake up.

 

***

 

For being on medical studies, even forensic, Isabelle knows how bad Alec’s cocktail is damaging. Alcohol and medication like sleeping pills is destructive and add the blood loss to it… She closes her eyes, they are lucky they  seemingly found him before it was too late.

 

“Hey, Alec.” She says and as awkward as it is, it breaks a heavy silence. “We are all here for you, you know, Jace, Magnus, me… Even Cat is there.” She passes a loving hand on his hair. “We haven’t called the parents though, and I’m scared to do it.” She admits. “Because Jace told me what they said to him, about you and I’m so sorry I wasn’t here to defend you. And I’m even more sorry I wasn’t here with you tonight, and I know you fought with Magnus, and with Jace, but please, don’t leave us. We all love you and we all need you I promise, so come back to us, please Alec, I beg you, I- we can’t lose you.”

 

She doesn’t know what more she can say, talking to a comatose person seem almost useless. There is no proof he hears her. There is no proof it will help him. And yet, Catarina is right, her heart does feel a tiny bit lighter and hope does feel a tiny bit stronger but why does it have to be so hard and painful?

 

“Izzy’s right, Alec.” Jace continues and his voice is hoarse and shaky. “And I shouldn’t have let you either… God Alec, I’m so remorseful about our fight, what I told you… I-I was so unfair to you, I regret everything I said, nothing of what happened was your fault.” He says and his jaw clenches. “It’s the parents’ fault, if they weren’t so…  _ bigoted _ ” and the word is full of disdain in his mouth, “you wouldn’t have been so afraid of telling them the truth and facing rejection, it’s not your fault Alec, I swear.” And there Jace’s voice breaks.

 

Isabelle put a hand on his, encouraging him to talk more and he opens his mouth again but gets cut off by the door opening. The blonde doctor enters, blankets in her arms.

 

“We normally don’t do that, not very often, but… Here are some blankets for you to stay the night, if you want to, and I will ask for one more chair.”

 

Izzy blinks few times. The young woman seems to be genuinely worried and compassionate for them, so she gets up and goes to take the blankets from her.

 

“Thank you doctor…” She whispers.

“Lydia, you can call me Lydia.” The doctor responds with a tentative smile.

 

It’s hard for Isabelle but she manages to answer the smile and when she takes the blanket she notices an wedding ring hanging on a chain at Lydia’s neck and a matching one is on the woman’s left ring finger. Isabelle immediately guesses what it surely means and she can’t help fixing the jewel, mouth slightly agape, because Lydia is so young, too young to have loose a husband or a fiancé because of age.

 

“Car accident.” Lydia answers the unspoken question, bringing her hand to her necklace.

“I’m sorry…”

“I won’t let your brother die Miss Lightw-”

“Isabelle.”

“Isabelle.” Lydia repeats in a breath.

 

There is a silence after that.

 

“I-I will bring you one more chair, do you want one Cat?”

“No thank you Lydia; I only have little time between my shifts today, I’m taking Helen’s one, she deserves a free night with Aline, I will just come here during breaks. Let’s take some more though”

 

Lydia smiles again a little and leaves for the chairs, followed by Catarina. Izzy silently give a blanket to Magnus and Jace. Magnus barely moves to take it. It’s not a usual sight, to see Magnus, usually so bright looking so defeated, shut down. It’s both heartbreaking and comforting Isabelle in the fact he really does love her brother, not that she ever doubt it. He doesn’t even look at her, his eyes transfixed on Alec.

By the time Lydia and Cat are back Jace has decided to let Izzy use the comfortable armchair and to use the two extra chairs to make a bed for himself, Magnus refusing to rest, despite the other's insistence. Isabelle is almost surprised to understand why he does that. At first she thinks it’s because he doesn’t want to leave Alec even in sleep, but then she gets it, he is also punishing himself for he has let that happens, for he wasn’t here to protect and save the one he loves the most, and she didn’t know it was even possible but her heart breaks a little more. She feels the ache all over body. The mental pain is now also physical and she is exhausted, so much she can barely move anymore, her body is numb and painful. She closes her eyes with the ridiculous hope that when she wakes up, everything will have only been an awful nightmare and, as she is drifting, she knows it isn’t.

 

***

 

       Magnus can feel Jace and Catarina’s eyes on him, like they are waiting for him to speak up and he is afraid to disappoint as he doesn’t even open his mouth. 

 

“Magnus?” Catarina calls, her voice soft and gentle making him turn ever so slightly to her. “I know I said it would be good for you to talk to him, but you don’t have to okay? And if you are scared of looking ridiculous by talking to someone you aren’t even sure they can hear you, know that I understand but there is nothing to be ashamed of, Jace and Isabelle did it, you can do it too.” She assures. “But if it’s too hard for you right now, you don’t have to. No one will judge you for that.”

 

        He wants to say ‘thank you’ and he wants to apology and explains that he didn’t want for the others to hear what he wants to tell Alec; not that he doesn’t want to look dumb or sappy, but he knows how his boyfriend feels about public display of affection and he knows that if Alec was conscious, even a little, he would be embarrassed by Magnus’ words. That is why only when everyone is finally asleep and Catarina gone Magnus dares to speak, gently taking Alec’s hand on his own. 

 

“Alexander… My Alec.” He murmurs. “I’m so sorry I might have lead you into believing I would leave you… I… I was just so angry I forgot how fast you come to conclusion…” He shakes his head. “But that is not the debate here right?” He chuckles bitterly. “Alec… I love you. I love you more than you could even imagine, more than you could ever dream of it. When we first met I only had my friends but… As soon as I saw you, somehow, I knew: you were meant for me. And I was so scared I wasn’t meant for you. You were so hard to approach.” 

 

       Magnus laughs quietly, remembering his stupid shameless flirt and how hard Alec was blushing and trying every time to ignore him. 

 

       “But eventually,” He continues intertwining their fingers, “you let me in. You gave me a place in your heart. And then, you gave me something I never really had no matter how often I thought I had had it. Even though I didn’t noticed it until today, you let me be part of your family, the one originally composed of you and your siblings, composed of the ones you love the most. I thought… I don’t know what I thought and why and… I’m so sorry I didn’t realised I was already part of it though your parents didn’t know about me. It shouldn’t have mattered so much. And you gave me love, Alec; real love, not something toxic or ephemeral like I was so often given, but  _ real love _ …”

 

Magnus waits an instant after that. He feels stupid for voicing all of this, it’s so overly dramatic, just like in those stupid romantic books and movies he despises so much but somehow, it also feels good. He takes a deep breath and kisses Alec’s forehead.

 

“Believe me, Alexander, my darling, I love you and I will never, ever leave you… So please, I beg you… Don’t leave me either…”

 

          Magnus closes his eyes and bite the inside of his cheeks not to cry again. He tightens his grip on Alec’s loose one.

 

        “God.” He whispers. “I’m ridiculous.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know some of you might have hope for Alec to wake up in this chapter, however, I decided to tale another approach as I focus on how Izzy, Jace and Magnus are feeling when they first see Alec, I think it's important because a lot of thoughts and feelings are going through your mind in theses situations, and that if I am to be realistic, I must take my time.  
> It's really hard to talk to a comatose person, it gets easier but yeah, the first times aren't easy at all, you don't know if you're heard and the person can't answers to you. It is impossibly awkward and difficult. It's always weird to me when I read a book or a fanfiction with people talking easily to a comatose person, like it's something normal. It's not.  
> And I also know that usually, doctors don't and should not take a case personally, but I'm sure that can happen so... there it is? I'm sorry if it disappoints some of you.  
> I hope you all enjoyed that little inside look into Alec's loved ones' feeling and that I managed to describe the pain and awkwardness well enough.
> 
> kisses <3
> 
> NB: I got in the webdesign school !!! It starts in September so I have to find a place to live in the town the school is because it's far from where I live now but I am so happy !!!


	7. Waiting for the Rising Sun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone,  
> This is a slightly shorter chapter and I apology for that.  
> I hope you will like it nonetheless.  
> I choose to focus on the wait and the traumas such an event can lead to. Just as suicide / suicide attempt, a coma is never easy to handle, it's very hard actually, waiting for either the person to open their eyes or to simply die.

As soon as his classes are finished, Jace hurries to the hospital. He is glad he doesn’t have any classes this afternoon. He does his best but it’s not like he can really concentrate. All his thoughts are permanently turned to Alec.

He feels so powerless it drives him crazy, and no matter how much he talks to his brother, the latter won’t answer. He sometimes feels like a  _ fool _ to keep trying, but Jace just can’t help himself now, he just keeps telling his brother about his day and everything going through his head and he just wishes nothing more than hearing Alec’s voice again.

 

“Hey Magnus.” He says when he enters the room and makes his way to the bed. “Hey Alec.” He says softly touching briefly his brother’s hair. “Still no improvement?”

“Not that I’m aware of… But at least it hasn’t gotten worse.”

 

Jace’s lips almost twitched into a sad smile and he sits down next to Magnus.

 

“You know, I tried to call the parents again today, why do I keep doing that, Alec? It’s not like I  _ would  _ actually let them in right now. They don’t deserve to see you, they don’t deserve  _ you _ … Yeah, I guess I just want to know what exactly are the words they said to you. Maryse’s voice is always trembling like she feels guilty. I mean, she _ is _ , in some ways, but…  _ I don’t know _ .” He sighs. “Anyway, classes were boring today; I know what you’re going to say ‘ _ you chose it Jace _ ’ or ‘ _ It can’t be as boring as business, Jace _ ’. But really, Alec, the teach voice is  _ soporific _ it’s crazy! And she’s not even pretty. The teacher, I mean… I know I’m not at university for my professors to be sexy but still, it’s not helping, and I’m not being misogynistic, I  _ swear _ , I think the same about male teachers.” He pauses, imagining again what Alec’s answer could be. “You’re right. I definitely need to find someone.”

 

       He can feel Magnus’ gaze on him as he continues this one-way conversation, but there is no judgement or anything in his eyes, except compassion and a shared pain. A while after, Magnus starts participating in the conversation as well, mocking Jace and his misadventures in a affectionate way like he always does, like everything is fine. And if Alec wasn’t unresponsive and surrounded by medical equipment, it would almost feel like a normal afternoon and a normal conversation between the three men. 

 

***

 

“Hey Iz, how’s Alec?”

Isabelle startles and looks up from her blood sample to meet her friend’s worried gaze.

“Hey Maïa…”

 

The young woman tilts her head a bit, trying to read something into Isabelle’s eyes. Maïa is a great support recently; she’s taking notes for Izzy so she can leave their school early to see Alec at the hospital, and she is always asking if there is any changes, any signs Alec is going to wake up. And Isabelle is grateful, she really is, but it has been almost a week now, five days, and Alec is still unconscious. She doesn’t even know where she and Jace have taken the strength to go back in class, and to their apartment. Isabelle feels sick in her stomach every time she’s in the bathroom, and she knows it’s the same for Jace.

It had been a weird feeling, coming back to their apartment after the night at the hospital, she still feels like throwing up when she remembers how they had had to clean up the blood and she suddenly feels like crying.

They had called their parents, told them what happened, but Maryse and Robert had barely reacted and they still haven’t visit Alec. They haven't answered to the phone ever since either.

 

“That bad?” Maïa snaps her out of her thoughts.

“Still no signs of him waking up, but his vitals are good so far and Magnus, his boyfriend, wouldn’t leave his side; he will contact me if there is any change in my absence.”

       Isabelle was honestly impressed with Magnus. Of course she knew he loves her brother, but he brought her beliefs to a whole new level. He had fought Catarina and some other nurses until Lydia and her accept to let him stay. She had never witnessed Magnus yelling until then. He had fought again with his colleagues when he had ordered them to work without him until Alec regains consciousness and he barely use the bed Lydia had had install. The only moment he is actually leaving Alec’s side is when he goes showering, and there again, he makes sure either Jace, Isabelle or both are here. He doesn’t want Alec no wake up alone, and neither do Jace and Izzy. She envies Alec, to have found someone who loves him like Magnus does.

        “And you?” Maïa asks.

        “What about me?”

       “You and Jace,” Maïa precises. “How are you holding up?”

 

        Izzy falls silent; she wants to say that it’s fine, that her friend has nothing to worry about but that would be a lie. Nothing is fine. They can’t even make it to their bedroom at night and they are both sleeping on the couch, cuddle up against each others. They can’t even enter the bathroom without the picture of Alec, lying motionless on the doorway surrounded by his own blood, flooding their mind. Almost every night Jace wakes up screaming, sweating and trembling, calling for Alec or calling for Max, sometimes both. And she… Her hand shakes every time she hold a scalpel, guilt filling her though she knows if it wasn’t for her supplies, her brother would have find another way. 

 

“We… We are doing our best but… We are not okay Maïa… We are far from okay.” 

 

***

 

Shutting the door of the hospital room bathroom, Magnus slowly leans on it for a moment and takes deep breathes, shutting his eyes. Five days and no changes. He clenches his fists to not smash something and scream. Why does this keep happening to him? What on earth did he do wrong in another life to deserve that? A fucked up family, an abusive relationship with his ex, Camille… And he had dared to think that now Alec is in his life nothing could go wrong. He can be so naïve sometimes.

Closing his eyes, he can still see his mother’s body hanging from the tree she had installed Magnus’ swing a few years before. He is almost glad Alec didn’t hang himself… Nothing could have saved him if he had done that. Everyone think that hanging makes you choke to death, but it doesn’t. When it’s well done, hanging breaks your neck and kills you almost instantly. It’s the most effective way to kill yourself, along with shooting a bullet into your head. But Alec still as a chance and it makes Magnus able to breathe again.

Magnus is exhausted; he can say it just by looking at his reflection: he has purple dark-circle under his eyes, his hair is a mess, his eyes are puffy and he is pale. Though Tessa brought him his makeup he hasn’t even touch it. He doesn’t feel like it. He doesn’t feel like anything. He can’t even give his opinion on the costumes and suits designs Raphael and Tessa send him by mail, or present him when they visit. Magnus sighs, he is a mess.

Isabelle is there when he exits the bathroom, hair washed and clothes changed. She looks just as a mess as Jace and he and is quietly talking to Alec. Jace has fallen asleep on the armchair but still looks agitated.

Magnus sits next to Izzy and take her free hand in his. He squeezes gently when she turns to him with a small smile.

 

“Was the shower good?” She asks and he shrugs. “You should rest Magnus, you-“

“I can’t.” He interrupts. “I can’t sleep Isabelle, not really. I just- I can’t, not with Alec being unconscious…What if…What if he dies when I’m asleep?” He whispers his voice breaking.

“Alec is not going to die, Magnus.” Izzy answers, voice firm and defiant.

 

Magnus smiles at that, he can’t help it, Isabelle sounds so sure he allows himself to take back the hope that was leaving him an instant before.

 

“Now go on bed, Mister Glitter. I’m watching him. I will wake you up if there if anything change or when I go home with Jace. Okay?”

 

Magnus hesitates and Izzy raises her brows with an insisting glare that makes him snort, but give in.  

 

***

 

Isabelle is the only one awake now and smile slightly when Lydia appears in the door frame. She doesn’t have her blouse so Izzy guesses quickly that it’s a civil visit. The blonde woman seems to be unable to refrain from checking Alec’s vitals though. Lydia has offer her support to them from the start but it had grown into something close to friendship.

 

“Are you like that with everyone?” Isabelle asks.

“No.” Lydia responds shaking her head. “But everyone has a different way to deal with pain, and yours, Jace and Magnus’ one reminded me of me when…” She takes a deep breath. “When John has had his accident. And…Yeah, I think Magnus is approximately the same age I was when John died… It was two years ago. We just got back from our honeymoon.”

“Lydia I’m sorry…”

“Don’t be, it’s okay, I’m okay now… Kinda.” She pauses. “I live with a distant cousin now. She’s picking me up tonight, mind if I wait for her with you?”

 

Isabelle shakes her head, positive, with a smile.

 

“Not at all.”

 

Talking with Lydia is easy. Isabelle talks about her brothers, she talks about Max and how she misses him, and about Alec and how he always does his best to be strong and accept the pression his parents have always put him through. She talks about Jace and how despite all the cockiness he is a good and tender person. And Lydia talks about John, how sweet he was and how she felt guilty for his death. If she hadn’t asked and insist for him to take her home after a long day, when she was an intern, he wouldn’t have had this accident. But they just got married and after the honeymoon she missed him every second, she had wanted to be selfish, just for once. And she talks about her cousin, Clary, and the name reminds so many things to Izzy she almost asks for the family name; picture of an artsy girl with fierce red hair running through her mind. She wonders if her Clary still wrinkles her nose before smiling, if she still has this simple style of clothing that suit her so much or if she still does those messy buns when she draws or paint, and if she still stucks her paintbrushes in it, sometimes forgetting about the paint on them. You’d thought after all this time she would be over her first girlfriend and well, she isn’t. She doesn’t listen anymore to Lydia, lost in memories, until she hears a familiar voice, more like a fragile, uncertain whisper, calling her, snapping her out of her thoughts, bringing her back to reality.

 

“Isabelle?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's okay to have happy thoughts/memories even in sorrowful situations!  
> I really want to stress that because though it's hard to focus on other things, it is still okay if you do. It's normal even. You can't solely focus on the bad all the time, not always at least. There will be things that will trigger happy feelings and it's not something to be ashamed of!
> 
> I went a bit romantic on the malec side with Magnus staying all the time at his side, but I honestly think he wouldn't want to leave, wouldn't be able to. And I honestly can't picture myself leaving my love's side if I had one and they were in that state. I hope it doesn't break too much the realism I'm trying to put on.
> 
> Next chapter might introduce a side story or might not, but if it does, know that it will have a very little place beside the main plot :)
> 
> I hope you enjoyed this chapter and I'll see you next week <3


	8. Raise Me Up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi,  
> Early publishing because I'm not sure I will be able to post later and it's Saturday already in France anyway.  
> This chapter introduce a side story which will be seen from time to time.  
> I'm aware this chapter is quite 'dramatic' somehow but I still had a lot of feeling - and difficulties for some reasons- writing it; emotions are a tricky thing aren't they?  
> I hope you will nonetheless enjoy this chapter and I wish you a good reading <3

It is a weird feeling, seeing someone you didn’t meet in years. Because you still have this image of them and it’s like it isn’t supposed to change, as if they would stay the way they were when they left you. But then they are in front of you and though you recognize them, they don’t quite look like the same. Something changed. Taller or skinnier, the way they dress, how they stand on their feet, their posture, the length of the hair… It’s just so different yet just the same, all at once.

Isabelle can’t take of her eyes of the woman standing in the doorway. Clary, her Clary. Lydia’s cousin is her Clary and she looks just as shocked as Isabelle. They look at each others, silently as Lydia observe awkwardly their exchange. Izzy can feel her heart beats faster in her ribcage. Clary still has this fierce red hair and those bright green eyes that have haunt her dreams so often and her lips are the same colour as the day she left. There are so many years that have passed and so many changes that have occurs, of course, even Isabelle changed she shouldn’t be surprised that some features are so far away from the Clary she has known in high school, confidence is emanating from her now, she doesn’t look so fragile anymore and… God, if the Clary she knew was beautiful, she is now  _ gorgeous _ .

 

“Clary…”

“You… You know each other?” Lydia asks confused.

Izzy finds it hard to take her eyes off Clary to look at Lydia but does it anyway.

“Yeah, we… We were in high school together… We were friends.” She explains not knowing if Clary is okay with revealing their past relationship.

“More than friends.” Clary corrects before realising who’s in the bed. “Oh my God what happened?” She exclaims hurrying next to Izzy.

 

Clary and Alec didn’t really get along back then; well, it was more Alec refused to get along with Clary. It used to frustrate Isabelle, but she understands that Alec was just being over-protective, when she had had this relationship with Meliorn last year he had act just the same despite tolerating the guy before. And if Meliorn had then gave Alec the cold shoulder, Clary had always tried to befriend her brother and Isabelle knows Clary’s worry is genuine.

For a second she is hesitating about telling her the truth though, not because she doesn’t trust Clary, it may have been years since they haven’t met but she still knows Clary can be trusted. It’s because it’s always hard to voice it.

 

“He tried to kill himself.” She whispers.

 

Clary gasps and Isabelle feels her arms enveloping her. Her perfume is just the same, from what Izzy remembers. Fresh, comforting, reassuring. It might not be the same smell, but it’s the same vibe and Isabelle melts into the embrace. Clary is caressing her long hair and it just feels so good. It’s just like before, when they used to hug their pain away after a fight between themselves or with their respective family, or just when they felt sad for some reasons. Except Clary’s hair is too short to caress her hands on Clary’s back; it’s just a bit above her shoulders now, she still likes it though and the embrace is so warm she can’t bring herself to care anyway. And if a part of her wasn’t still with Alec, she would be happy. But she can’t be happy right now, and though she doesn’t want to cry, not again, Clary gentle soothing hands on her back make it hard to hold her tears and when they start rolling down her cheeks Izzy can’t even tell if it’s for her brother or for the love from the past she just found again. Maybe it is for both.

 

***

Jace wakes up with a jolt but doesn’t open his eyes, trying to calm his heartbeat. A nightmare, again. Since Alec’s suicide attempt, every time he falls asleep, Jace relive the moment he found him and worse, most of the time, it’s already too late when he get to the body and Alec eyes are opened, glossy, so,  _ so _ dead and yet, they’re staring a him, accusing. The steady beeps of the cardiograph are almost reassuring now and the muffled sounds of a discussion are just as comforting, though the two feminine voices that doesn’t belong to his sister pick up his curiosity, enough to make him open his eyes.

He immediately recognizes Lydia and…Clary. Jace is still to sleepy to realise that the presence of the young woman is surprising.

 

“Hey Lydia, hello Clary.”

“Hello Jace.” Clary answers with a small smile. “How are you?”

 

He shrugs. He can’t really answer to that. His brother, in a coma, might be dying; he is blaming himself for that and sleeping has become a torture. That is not something he can say, definitely not.

“What are you doing here?” He asks when he understands that Clary’s presence isn’t normal.

“Lydia’s a cousin. I was supposed to pick her up but…” She stops, looking at Izzy, eyes shinning.

 

Jace, for the first time in days, can’t help a smile.  _ Of course _ . Though it would be more enjoyable in other circumstances, it is really a lucky coincidence.

 

“Still on arts?” He asks casually. “Nice clothes by the way, I like it.”

“Yeah, always.” She answers with a wink. “and, thanks… I think, maybe I should get going.” She turns to Lydia. “I’m sorry we stayed for so long…”

“It’s okay Clary, don’t worry.”

Clary smiles and search in her bag for something. Isabelle looks desperate and Jace almost feels sad for her, she is still talking about her ginger ex-girlfriend on a regular basis and he understands she doesn’t want to leave her so soon. But when Clary hands her phone to Izzy, he knows she feels just the same and allows himself to be happy. It wasn’t the best circumstance nor the best place, but somehow, it was the perfect timing, Isabelle needs and deserve some light in the difficult days they are facing and maybe, undoubtedly, Clary will bring that to her.

Because that is what Clary had always done before she left: bringing happiness in his sister’s life; seeing her at a moment Isabelle needed to be seen and by someone else than her brothers. She had needed someone else love, and their parents, well, Jace isn’t blind enough not to notice that Alec was the one being pressured, that he was the “golden boy” and that Izzy was the invisible one. She was always trying to get attention, and what she got at high school wasn’t exactly what she had needed, until Clary.

The thing is, many people were interested in Isabelle only because she has a great body, and a great style, though their parents and others at school use to slut-shame her…until Clary came and defend her. They had been inseparable after that and their friendship had quickly developed into something more.

Playing Clary’s boyfriend in front of Maryse and Robert had been funny enough for it to last two years. He isn’t sure how they had manage to do so well since Isabelle had sometimes been way too tactile with the red haired. But seeing how they reacted to Alec’s coming out, Jace guesses they just didn’t want to see. Just as he didn’t want to see how hard living was for Alec.

He sighs, still feeling guilty about all of this and focus again on the two girls, who doesn’t seem to want to leave each others so soon. It almost breaks his heart.

 

“Hey.” He calls. “Do you guys want to get dinner with us?” He asks and sees his sister’s face lit up. “It could make us some good…”

 

Lydia looks at them, considering and smile at Clary and Izzy’s pleading eyes.

 

“Sure, why not.”

 

***

 

Magnus rubs the sleepiness out of his eyes. The others are long gone now, and Magnus’ dinner still lays cold on the small table next Alec’s bed. Rarely before has feel so lonely and yet, he doesn’t want to talk to anyone, nor see anyone. He knows he needs to; that it would do him some good just like it does for Jace and Izzy, now that they’ve been reunited with an old friend of them. He knows he should call Ragnor, Raphael or any of his friends, to express his feelings and how lost he feels and having them soothing him. But Magnus just can’t bring himself to reach his phone. He doesn’t even shift a bit when the nurse comes to take his un-touched dinner, he doesn’t even react when she clacks her tongue disapprovingly. He is just so tired tonight. So,  _ so _ tired, of  _ everything _ .

Magnus gently takes Alec’s hand in his and brings it to his face. He kisses Alec’s knuckles softly then rests his cheek on the open palm and closes his eyes, because it’s what Alec’s does when Magnus feels down. He gently puts his warm hand on Magnus’ face and gently strokes it with his thumb. Magnus loves the feeling of Alec’s calloused archer’s hands on his cheeks. But right now, Alec’s hands aren’t warm and Magnus shivers at how cold his boyfriend’s hand is on his cheek. He has to bit his lips not to cry.

He doesn’t know how long he has been staying like that when he feels something, like a twitch on his cheek: Alec’s finger. And Magnus knows it’s probably just a reflex but a jolt of hope run through his body and he opens his eyes abruptly, immediately settling them on his boyfriend’s face, heart throbbing painfully in his chest. And Magnus let out a soft cry when as he watches Alec’s face contracts, eyebrows frowning a little. If he wasn’t sure at first, now, Magnus is certain, Alec is finally waking up.

 

“Alexander?” He whispers and his voice is trembling with emotion.

 

***

 

The first thing Alec is aware of is that he is  _ not _ dead. Maybe he should wonders about it, but he can feel that he is alive. You don’t feel your heart beating when you’re dead. You don’t hear your heart through any cardiograph when you’re dead.

The second thing is the pain; his whole body aches, sore and stiff, and his throat dry and mouth furry and oxygen mask he guesses he is wearing feels like it’s too tight, heavy, cutting through his cheeks. And though he has obviously been unconscious, it feels like his head is about to explode and he can’t help a whimper. Everything hurts. Everything hurts so bad.

And the third thing is Magnus’ voice, gently calling him, but holding so much pain and desperation Alec can actually feel it too and it makes his heart hurt.

 

Magnus.

 

Magnus is there. How can he been there? Doesn’t he hate him? Alec doesn’t want to open his eyes and face him and he is submerged by a wave of painful emotions, all between guilt, remorse and sadness.

 

He is alive. 

       He has failed.

       He is still there.

       He is still a burden.

 

_ Why couldn’t they just let him die? _

 

Alec feels tears pushing against his eyelids, finding there way to the side of his face, rolling down and burning his skin.

 

“Please, Alexander… It’s okay, I’m here… I’m not angry, I swear… Please my Love, open those beautiful eyes of yours.”

 

And it’s hard but Alec does it, as he let out a sobs, he slowly opens his eyes. Magnus is above him staring at him, with love and relief.

 

        “There you go…” Magnus whispers shakily.

 

         Magnus’ face is bare and his eyes are puffy and bloodshot, he has purple-ish bags under his eyes,  showing that he hasn’t really slept for days.

       Alec tries to straighten up a bit on the bed and opens his mouth, to say something, anything as he look away from his boyfriend, but he just coughs in the masks and Magnus hurries to help him to take it away and makes him drink water, calling for a nurse at the same time.

       They doesn’t have to wait for long as a nurse enters immediately. Alec let her do what she has to do; he doesn’t like being touch but not only he know he doesn’t have a choice but he is also to weak to protest; he can barely feel his body it’s like he is made of cotton or gelatin.  After making him drink some water, she moves rapidly and gracefully around him, asking him all kind of question to which he answers weakly, not even sure he makes any sense out of it. Everything is dull and seems to happen fast, so fast it almost makes him dizzy. Everything in his head is messy and confused. He can’t even think properly, he is tired, which makes him feel stupid as he has been unconscious for some times, and he feels sick.  

       And then she is gone and he can’t even tell when it happens, she was there an instant and then she wasn’t anymore, but Magnus is right back next to him, eyes watery but some kind of joy emanates from him. It’s surprising, Alec didn’t know his boyfriend would react like that. 

 

       “You’re back… Oh thanks God you’re back.” Magnus says pulling him onto a hug. 

 

       Alec feels stupid, because it is obvious,  of course Magnus would have been sad if he died - even though it would have been for the best -, of course he was relieved, Magnus  _ loves _ him and Alec is just so sorry for that, Magnus deserves so much better, really, but Alec, as long as he lives, he won’t let Magnus go he should but he can’t all because, just because and right now it seems enough of a reason: Alec loves Magnus too.

       Before he knows it, big hot tears are rolling on his cheeks and he soon finds himself sobbing on Magnus’ arms. All the pain, all the anger, all the insecurities are flooding him and he feels desperate.

 

       “I was so scared Alec… I don’t know what I would have done if you died, I love you so much.” Magnus says pulling away from the hug to stroke his cheeks, wiping the tears away.

       “I told them.” Alec sobs weakly. “I told them about us.”

 

       It’s unrelated to what Magnus just said. His boyfriend probably doesn’t care about it right now and it’s probably not that important, but that is all Alec can think of saying because Magnus will care later and he must still be angry somewhere behind the relief.

 

       “I told them. I told my parents.” He repeats.

 

       Magnus nods, caressing his hair gently and takes his hand with his free hand, kissing Alec’s nuckles ever so softly.

 

       “I know baby, I know.”

       “I’m sorry Magnus, I’m so sorry I never meant to hurt you.”

       “Shh… It’s okay Love, I know you didn’t.”

       “I love you Magnus. Please believe me, I love you.” He begs

       “I believe you Alexander and I love you too. I’m sorry for how I reacted, I shouldn’t have ignore you.”

 

       Alec shakes his head. No, Magnus had all the rights to be angry at him. He deserved all the anger directed at him, he was the one who had provoked all of this, he had hurt his boyfriend, he deserved the pain. Magnus sighs next to him and peck his temple.

 

       “I’m going to call Isabelle and Jace okay? I’ll be right b-”

       “No! Don’t call them please!”

       “Alec, they are worried…”

       “No…”

       “They love you, I promised to call if you wake up when they aren’t by your side. It’s going to be okay darling, I swear.”

       “Please…” He begs again when his boyfriend stands up. “Magnus please!”

 

       Magnus looks at him, eyes wide in worry, staring like he is trying to find something, some answers. He closes his eyes and when he opens them again, they have softened. He sits back and takes Alec’s hand again.

 

       “Okay, okay, I won’t call them.”

 

       Relieved, Alec lets himself drop back on the bed and closes his eyes. He is tired, so tired…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PSA: I will never stress it out enough but it is okay to have happy moments even in darkest times. It's okay that Iz and Jace go to dinner with Lydia and Clary, it's good for them, it's healthy. That doesn't mean they abandon Alec, that doesn't mean they forget about him, that simply mean they don't let the situation rule their life, they don't let it crush them anymore. In all hardest situation you will need some 'fresh air' to build more strength and to face the pain and the sadness. If you ever in a situation where you think that taking care of yourself and having good moment is selfish; I assure you it's not. You need it and you must allow yourself to have it. If you are living something like this, please, don't forget yourself, your happiness and mental (and physical as well) health are important too!!!
> 
> About Alec's side. For long coma you need days to fully wake up but it's few days for Alec so I think it's okay if he opens his eyes now. If not, I'm sorry. I also know how movies and books and every media can be, but I can assure you, when you want to die, you want to die. Some people, when attempting or wanting to commit suicide don't think anyone will miss them or be really sad about it, I know it because that is how I was. I also want to stress that you might NOT be happy to wake and see that everything is 'alright'. You might not want to talk about it either, maybe you wont think about it at all and you thoughts will go other ways just as Alec's do there when he see Magnus. He thinks about the argument they had before. You might also NOT want to see people you think are upset with you. It's hard to see people when you think you did disapoint in every ways. And you might also have mostly negative thoughts and fears.
> 
> From my researches you most likely to fall back asleep quickly because of the medicine they give you. I'm not sure if it's always the case or not, if it's inacurate, I'm sorry.
> 
> I hope you all enjoyed this chapter and I'll see you next week <3


	9. Together

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was quite hard for me to write, I had a lot of feelings and... Yeah... I'm not sure it's good. Well, I hope you will enjoy this chapter, a bit short though, sorry ?

    Alec is quick to fall back asleep, but this isn’t a surprise, the nurse had told him it will happen. Magnus wishes he would have stayed awake with him. The sight of him sleeping is uneasy right now but at least… At least Alec had woken up from the coma. He is going to get better, he will get up, everything is going to be fine now. At least he hopes.

    Magnus keeps his words, he doesn't call Isabelle and Jace, instead, he texts them as soon as morning points the tip of its nose. Alec is going to be mad at him, probably, but his siblings deserve to know and to be next to him too. Hopefully, Alec will realise it.

    Staring at his boyfriend's peaceful face, Magnus is wondering; What did trigger his lover enough for him to attempt suicide? Who's to blame in that story? What could have he done to impeach that? What could have he said? What could have the others done or said to restrain Alec to commit the unbearable? How to understand? How to understand that someone can be so distressed they try to take their own life? Why? Why would Alec do this to them? What were his motives? What is going to happen now? How can he help and can Alec be helped at all?

The sound of the door opening snaps him out of his thoughts and he turns abruptly, relaxing only when he sees the hopeful faces of Jace and Isabelle. He offers them a sweet smile as they look expectantly at Alec.

 

“He is sleeping.” He says when disappointment and sadness take over their features.

“Sleeping?” Jace repeats coming over next to the bed. “Just sleeping right?

 

There is a worried tremor in his voice and Magnus can only nod. He watches as Izzy joins her adoptive brother next to Alec and take the sleeping man’s hand. He thought that when someone wakes up from a coma, even a quite short one, people are overwhelmed with happiness, they smile and laugh… But he was wrong. He isn’t happy and Isabelle and Jace aren’t either. They are overwhelmed with relief yes, but they aren’t happy and a question is floating in the thin air, hovering heavily over them:

 

**_‘What now?’_ **

    It isn’t like Alec is going to be miraculously fine now that he is awake, it isn’t like they can move on like nothing happened, because he won’t, because they can’t.  No, they will have to build everything or so, almost, back. They all have to heal with their wounds now and they have to help Alec healing his. But Magnus isn’t stupid and as much as he’d like to be the one healing his boyfriend’s depression and mental issues, he has learn over the years with him that only Alec could heal himself. And he has to accept it.

 

***

 

When he looks at his brother’s face, Jace can not realise he woke up. He is still so still, so peaceful… So  _ not _ awake and he needs to remind himself, constantly, that he is sleeping. Just sleeping.

    He can hear movements around him and is vaguely aware of Magnus saying he is going out for a few and will bring back some food now that Ragnor and Raphael brought his car to the parking lot but he knows the Asian man does that to let them, Izzy and he, alone with their big brother. He is thankful but he doesn't say a word, he just keep looking at Alec and his closed eyes. Peaceful, so peaceful and so not awake.

    Izzy’s head falls on his shoulder and she puts an arm around his.

 

    “He will be fine now.” She says and Jace has never doubt her words so much.

    “You don't know that.” He answers, almost bitterly.

    “You’re right, but I know will do anything for him to be. And if we do that then surely, he will be alright in the end”

    “Maybe. But you see, I'm not sure I’m fine enough to help him. I'm not sure I can stop looking at him without seeing him bleeding out on the floor of our apartment. I'm not sure I can do anything for him because I hurt him badly enough he thought we would be better of without him… He didn't even leave a note.”

 

    Isabelle sighs sadly, deeply and hugs him in a warm embrace. She may have repeated over and over again that it wasn't his fault, that their parents, without a doubt, hold the majority of the culpability, he can't seems to get it on his head. He had been selfish, always so selfish, looking at his brother, at Alec but never seeing him truly. He, Alec’s brother, his best friend, couldn't see what he didn't want to see, what he should have seen. He is  _ guilty _ .

    When Alec stirs from his sleep, Magnus hasn't come back yet and never before Jace has been so grateful to see his brother's big hazel eyes landing on him.

 

    “Alec.” He whispers in a breath.

 

    Alec stares at him, looking confused, like he didn't expect him to be there which doesn't make any sense to him. Of course he is there, Alec can't possibly thinks that Jace wouldn't want to be there after all that happened, no matter what anger he could hold or argument they could have. But then, Jace realises, Alec stares at Izzy with the same confused look. Izzy with whom he didn't fight before he tried to… Jace can't even make up the words in his mind. He doesn't want to think about it; Alec woke up, he doesn't need to think about what happened anymore. 

 

    “Why are you there?” Alec asks, voice weak and hoarse. He almost sounds upset. 

    “Alec wha-”

    “Magnus texted us.” Izzy says, cutting in.

Alec’s jaw is clenched. He looks away, pressing his lips together.

 

“Alec, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry I hurt you… I was frustrated and-” Jace tries as his throat constricts painfully. “Alec, why did you do that?”

 

Alec closes his eyes and there is tears rolling on his cheeks. Jace’s heart sink, never saw Alec cry before and it feels like he has been punch in his stomach.

 

“You don’t have to answer right now.” Isabelle says softly and Jace notices she is crying too.

“But-”

“Jace. He… He just woke up… Don’t push him. Please.”

 

    But Jace wants to push. He wants to know everything; he needs to to ease the pain and doubts in mind, to try to move on, to make a step forward. He desires nothing more than to push Alec into spitting the truth in his face; the truth about everything, who made him? Why? What did Maryse and Robert told him? He wants to push, push, push.

 

    “What did mom and dad say to you?”

 

    Alec mouth stays shut and he looks away. Jace wants to scream.

 

***

 

She watches as Jace does his best not to break before Alec and she wants to talk, she wants so badly to find the words for both of her brothers. For Alec’s pain, for Jace’s guilt. And she wants to see them smile and to talk about light subjects. She wants to tell Alec about how Lydia is a new friend to them and how she met with Clary again. She wants to talk about how great, how wonderful it is to see the ginger woman again, how she changed and how beautiful she still is. She wants to talk about how  _ happy  _ she was last night. And suddenly, something rings at the back of her mind. And suddenly it’s like something is strangling her and it hurts to breathe; she was happy last night. 

Izzy wants to slap herself in the face as she thinks again about yesterday night and feels her heart flutters. All the laughers, Clary’s hand in hers, Jace smiling and winking at them, Lydia stupid stories… How dared they? How did they dare to forget about Alec, unconscious in his hospital bed? Even for an instant. It wasn’t fair, it wasn’t right.

How could she have been so selfish? How could she have left to have fun when her brother was still in a coma?

And she knows what people would tell her: ‘It’s normal to move on sometimes.’, ‘You can have a life beside what happened.’, ‘It’s okay to allow yourself to be happy.’ But  _ it’s not _ , it’s not.

  
  


***

 

Magnus doesn’t know how long he has been staring at the sandwich section, lost in his thoughts, but he is fairly sure he has spend more time here than necessary. He suddenly just can’t wraps his mind about everything that happened in the last few days, he can barely believe that he left the hospital, left Alec’s side after watching over him for days, and without any makeup on the top of that, an humourless laugh escapes him at the thought and he passes a hand into his messy hair before taking a deep breath.

 

“Come one Magnus, get a hold on yourself.” He says to himself.

 

He takes another look at the shelf before him. Maybe Alec will not want a sandwich after all; he isn’t a big fan of them, Magnus reminds himself with an approving nod; Alec is more of a pizza man when it comes to junk food. Or maybe he should order take out from their favourite Ethiopian restaurant. But maybe Alec isn’t that hungry and he’d like something light like a salad.

    When they first met, Magnus had never thought of Alec as someone who likes to eat salad, but surprisingly enough, his boyfriend loves eating salad, especially for picnics and in summer. Magnus smiles as he remembers last summer, when Alec had prepared a colourful salad for the both of them. They had planned to go out but one thing led to another and they had end up eating it, half naked on Magnus’ balcony. It had been a nice day and he hopes more days like this one are awaiting them. He prays for it.

    After a few more minutes, he decides to buy sandwiches for Jace, Isabelle and himself and to order ethiopian food for Alec. He feels a little ridiculous and shameful as it feels like he’d do anything to not come back to the hospital before one or two hours but at least, it leaves time for Alec and his siblings to reconnect. Right? And he needs it, he spent so much time in there, worrying that his boyfriend might die, that now that he is awake, safe, he needs to get away from the place, to  _ breathe _ before he joins Alec again. Alec who his awake, safe,  _ alive _ . Alec who will be fine, maybe not right now, but he will be. He has to be.

    He didn’t expect to break down. He didn’t expect his feelings to hit him like a wave, but has soon as he is in his car, hands on the wheel, before he even has the time to turn the engine on, he finds himself head down, sobbing loudly as a river of tears flows on his cheeks.

 

***

 

    Questions are burning Alec’s lips, but he stays silent. He doesn't want to hurt his siblings.

 

_     ‘Why did you come?’ _

_     ‘Why do you want to know?’ _

_     ‘Why are you sad?’ _

_     ‘Why do you care?’ _

 

    ‘ **_Why didn't you let me die?_ ** ’

 

    Why, why, why.

 

**_‘Why would you love me?’_ **

 

    “Where is Magnus?” He asks instead.

 

It’s not even that he’d rather have his boyfriend next to him than his siblings. If he was completely honest, he’d rather be alone right now. But he doesn’t know how to ask for it without appearing to be mean and selfish. 

 

“H-He went for some food he will be back soon.” Isabelle answers with a small smile.

“Okay.”

 

The silence is awkward and heavy, but Alec doesn’t know what to say to Jace and Izzy; if he should apology or try to start a normal conversation. If he should wait for them to talk or close his eyes and make them believe he is falling asleep. Isabelle is holding his hand and he doesn’t dare to squeeze back, Jace shifts uncomfortably on his seat.

He knows that though Jace was the one to ask, they both want to know what their parents said, that, though Isabelle said to not push it she is, too, waiting for his answer to the question their brother asked earlier. But he doesn’t want them to know, not yet, they have shed enough tears for now, he thinks. He doesn’t want them to be angry at Maryse and Robert because maybe, maybe, he deserved their hate, but they will not deserve the hatred they might get from the two children they have left. Or maybe, maybe, they will finally see in him what his mum and dad saw when he came out to them; a monster. Maybe, maybe, they will realise that they were right and it’s his fault if Max died; and Alec isn’t ready for that.

    He feels Jace’s hand on his shoulder and it almost burns him and it forces him to look at his brother. He wants to tell Jace to take off his hand, he wants to tell Isabelle to let go her grab on his. He doesn’t want to be touched. But they need it and maybe, somehow, he needs it too. 

 

“Alec I’m sorry, I mean it.” His brother apologies once more. “I didn’t mean any of the things I told you, I was frustrated and lashed it all on you, but you have to know it’s not your fault, it’s Maryse and Robert’s. You have nothing to be ashamed of, I know you were scared and rightly so. I don’t know the whole story and I shouldn’t have judge you like that, I promise this won’t happen again but please Alec, promise me you won’t do anything like that again either. We need you here,  _ I _ need you. Please Alec, please.”

 

Never before Alec had heard Jace beg and it’s kind of scary to see him like that, with pleading watery eyes and Alec wishes he could promise. He can’t.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alec can't promise that he wont do it again because I can't promise I will never try or self harm again. I think no one can really promise that and it's better not to make promise you can't honour.
> 
> Pardon Jace and his bluntness, it's hard to stumble in the dark when someone you love tried to take their own life and you might want answers as fast as possible.
> 
> I hate being touched when I don't feel good and I believe in this situation Alec might find himself in the same situation, the burning sensation is a description of how I feel in those situation, it really does feel like it burns to be, like I must get away or I will burst into a fire and burn alive. It's painful. But at the same time, it's heartwarming to know people do that to reassure you and maybe they need it and you don't want to hurt them by rejecting them.


	10. Hurt

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone !  
> Long chapter, I know! I didn't plan that hahaha  
> But I hope it makes up for the fact I'm leaving for Holidays so the next chapter will be for the 26th... Sorry?  
> I hope you won't give up on this fiction despite my absence; it's only for 3 weeks?  
> Anyway, I hope you will enjoy this chapter  
> kisses !

It has been almost three days now that Alec has woken up from his coma, and things are still hard. Harder than what Jace thought they would be at least. He still isn’t sleeping well and he is still having nightmares. He still sees Alec lying cold on a pool of blood in the corridor and he still can’t sleep in his own bedroom. How could have he think that has soon as Alec will wake up he will be fine again? That everything will be fine again? It frustrates him how nothing is fine right now, how things barely changed even if his brother his physically recovering because no matter what they do, Jace has noticed, it is almost impossible to get Alec to open to them. Nothing is effective. Magnus’ kindness, Izzy’s subtlety, not even Jace’s anger. Alec is barely talking to them and is mostly watching blankly at the television in his room. Of course, he is asking them about their day, he even smiles when Isabelle talks to him about Clary, which is something none of them would’ve ever picture before. But other than that… Alec is mostly silent.

   Jace must admits he is quite surprised on how Alec handle the fact their sister met her ex-girlfriend, he had thought the man would let out some snarky sassy remarks, that he would be overprotective again and that’s why Izzy had been kind of scared on telling him about the ginger woman, at first, but despite his primary confusion, Alec has been quite supportive - maybe a little too much? - about their reunion.

The only things that have changed, are the visits regulations and the room; Lydia had Alec move to another bedroom, ‘The observation room’ as Lydia called it, in another wing of the hospital, because his physical health isn’t in danger anymore. They had been scared at first that she wouldn't be Alec’s doctor anymore but she had quickly assured them that she will remain in care of him for everything concerning his physical health. But Magnus can’t spend the night with Alec anymore, no matter how much he protests and scream at the doctors or at Catarina. They had let him stay the first night after Alec regained consciousness but now… He has to go home and come back for visits hours. He has never seen Magnus as angry as he was the two days ago, the first night he had to leave the hospital. They had come home together and the Indonesian had kicked a bin and punched a wall.

   Now, the three of them: Isabelle, Magnus and Jace are in Lydia’s office, sitting next to each others, all uncomfortable. Jace shifts on his chair as he wishes the meeting in the young doctor’s office would end. He doesn’t want to hear how much more time Alec has to stay here and how much his brother will need a psychiatrist when he gets out. He wants nothing more than going home, with Alec and forget everything about this story. He wants everything to go back to normal already. But nothing will be normal anymore, he just can’t admit it.

 

“Alec isn’t cooperative, he refuses to meet with the psychiatrist and won’t talk to him even when the latter goes to his room.” The doctor tells them. “I will have to ask you if you can talk him into it, it’s very important and they will not releases him if his psychiatric evaluation isn’t concluent or if there isn’t any evaluation at all.” She explains. “And, I also wanted to tell you something because it is just as much important.”

   “What is it?” Isabelle asks, frowning.

   “I hope you’re aware that Alec isn’t the only one who will need to consult a therapist, that you will more than certainly need it too.” Lydia says softly.

 

If both Izzy and Magnus nod, Jace’s head jerks up. 

 

“Why?” He asks almost defensively.

“This event has deeply touched all of you and you were all victims.” The doctor explains gently. “But I’d also recommend you all meet with a different person.”

“Why?” He asks again.

 

He doesn’t even move when his sister put her hand on his forearm and whispers to him to calm down and listen.

 

“Because it’s better if the therapist stay impartial.” She sighs. “Listen, I know it’s hard for you okay? And of course I can’t force you but I’ll ask you to consider; you need somebody to talk to, other than your friends and family. Jace, you have to understand that no one can come out of something like that unscathed,  _ no one _ . It’s a traumatising event from which you don’t get by fine by ignoring what happened and bottling up everything related to it. It’s normal to meet with a therapist after that, it doesn’t make you weak or crazy.”

 

Jace winces, because he knows that she is right but it is easier to think she isn’t, that he can go through it by himself, that he doesn’t need anyone’s help. They had have to move on from Max’s death without anyone but themselves, why it is they can’t do it this time, when Alec is still alive? His jaw clenches.

 

“Okay.” He says, knowing he is lying.

 

Lydia smiles softly and he looks away, unable to hold her compassionate gaze. 

 

***

 

This isn’t where he wants to be; Alec hates hospital but he hates even more this stupid psychiatric wing and he hates this stupid bedroom and he hates the stupid doctors and the stupid nurses and their stupid medications that make him feel sleepy all the fucking time. And he hates being watched and he hates sleeping alone in this white, stupid place. He just wants to go home. No. He wants to be home. But they won’t release him just as they won’t let him shave; because of razor blades they say. 

   A gentle knock on the door startles Alec and he takes his eyes off the TV where a movie he is barely watching is playing, almost soundlessly. 

 

   “Hey.” He says softly, watching Magnus as he enters.

   “Hey yourself.” The Asian man says back with a smile before pecking his lips. “Your siblings are on the phone right now, they should not be long. I also brought the books you wanted.”

   “Thank you.”

   “How are you feeling today?” Magnus asks, putting his hand on Alec’s cheek.

   “I’m fine.” Alec lies leaning in the touch. “Frustrated. They won’t let me shave.”

   “Maybe they have good reasons not to don’t you think, sweetheart ?”

 

   He sighs; of course they do, they don't want him to do anything dangerous again. Alec gets it, it’s their job, but it doesn't lessen his frustration. He doesn't like his short messy beard just as he doesn't like when he gets stubble in the morning. It’s a look that fits Magnus only, he thinks. He presses his lips in a thin line and hears his boyfriend chuckling softly, caressing gently his facial hair.

 

   “Tell you what Alexander, if they let me I will shave you, would you be okay with that?”

   “Yeah, I’d like that.”

   “I will ask the doctors then.”

   “Thanks, Magnus. I’m really glad you’re here.”

   “I wouldn’t be anywhere else.”

 

   He smiles and Magnus smiles back and everything seems right again for an instant but Alec wants to ask Magnus if he is sure, he wants to know if he doesn’t just say that because he tried to kill himself out of pity. He is scared Magnus might break up with him once he is out of the hospital, once he is ‘alright’ again. 

   It’s a ridiculous thought, he knows that. He knows how his boyfriend feels and he knows he is not going to leave him. But he can’t help being unsure, he can’t help the doubts viciously creeping at him. Doubts he hates himself for having. Doubts that Magnus’ lips wash away as soon as they're on his.

   Whenever Magnus kisses him, it always feels new, like he has never been kissed before and he forgets how to breathe. He kisses back, helplessly so; he needs this, he needs it to remember that there is no way his boyfriend will abandon him, to remember that Magnus is there by his free will, that he wasn’t forced. To remember that he is loved.

   He brings his hands to Magnus’ face, cupping his cheeks pulling him closer. As close as he can. Alec doesn’t open his eyes but he almost sobs in his boyfriend’s mouth, because Magnus’ cheeks are wet. Wet with tears. So wet. So  _ so _ wet. Because Magnus is  _ crying _ and it’s all his fault. ‘ _ I’m here. _ ’ He wants to say. ‘ _ I’m alive. _ ’ He wants to say. ‘ _ I’m never leaving you ever again. _ ’ He wants to promise. But he can’t. He can’t.

And suddenly, Magnus’ lips are on his cheeks and they are on his jaw and they are all over his face, so warm and so soft. Desperate. And he can’t think anymore.

It stops abruptly and both of them are weirdly panting, Alec isn’t sure he can open his eyes but he does it anyway. Before him, Magnus, head down, fidgets with his fingers.

 

“I’m sorry.” The Indonesian says. “I-I don’t know what took over me.”

 

Alec shakes his head and takes his boyfriend’s hand.

They sits in silence, hands linked, fingers gently stroking the skin. They don’t move and time stops, until Jace opens the door and comes in, followed by Isabelle. His siblings froze and blink, taking sight of the somehow intimate moment Alec was sharing with Magnus.

 

“We’re not interrupting anything I hope.” Jace says in a teasing tone and with a smile that doesn’t quite reach his eyes.

 

Alec rolls his eyes but he appreciates how his brother lightens the mood immediately and how he finds it in his heart to attempt at humour when his eyes hold so much pain. Isabelle gently pushes Jace and comes next to him, kissing him on the cheek before sitting on the edge of the bed. She is tensed, Alec can tell; she is putting her hair behind her ear way to many times and plays awkwardly with her bracelet.

 

“Mum called.” She says carefully, searching for his eyes.

 

He blanches.

_ No _ . No, no,  _ no _ .

 

   “She said she and dad are coming to visit.”

 

   No, please  _ no _ .

 

_ “ _ **_Burden_ ** _.” _

_ “I wish Max was there and not  _ **_you_ ** _ ” _

_ “It would be better for you to be  _ **_dead_ ** _ ” _

_ “ _ **_Faggot_ ** _ ”. _

_ “I would have  _ **_killed_ ** _ you myself.” _

_ “  _ **_killed_ ** _ you myself.” _

_ “  _ **_killed_ ** _ you” _

_ “ killed _ **_you_ ** _ ” _

_ “  _ **_killed you_ ** _ ” _

 

   Alec wants to tell Isabelle that he doesn’t want them to come, he wants to tell them how much his parents hurt him and all of the horrible words they said to him the last time he saw them. He wants to tell them how scared he is and how he fear on what his parents will do to him if they see him again. He wants to yell, he wants to scream, he wants to beg. But he can’t; he is suffocating, he thinks he is drowning. He doesn’t even clearly hear his lover and sibling calling his name.

 

***

 

Isabelle made a mistake. She knows she did as she watches, powerless, her brother trying to ease his breathing, as Jace leaves the room, calling a nurse, as Magnus calls Alec’s name and gives him instructions, trying to calm him down. But she doesn’t understand.

She knows Maryse and Robert didn’t react well at Alec’s coming out, she knows they must have been terrible to him and she knows they left, telling Jace their brother wasn’t part of their family anymore. But she doesn’t understand.

She knows they didn’t call back once they knew Alec has attempted to take his own life and she knows they didn’t call at all to check on him and that they didn’t come when Alec was still in a coma. But she doesn’t understand.

Surely, they regret everything. Right? They must want to apologize to Alec; they just needed time. Alec must realises that. Right? She didn’t expect him to react well, she expected him to be angry but never she had imagined that he would panic the way he does. His gaze his unfocused and his breathing is erratic, spasmodic. No one dares to touch him, scared to make things worse and it’s actually a relief when the nurse comes to help, but it is not something they are used to; Izzy and Magnus usually manage to calm Alec down if he ever has a panic attack and Jace… Jace is never there to see. Things are different now; they don’t know how to approach Alec anymore. They don’t know what to say to him anymore. They are useless.

 

“I- please, Iz.” Alec tries to say when his breathing is almost back to normal. “Can they not come? Can I say no?”

“Oh, of course big brother, I’m sure they are just very worried and very sorry but if you are not ready… We won’t force you, we will tell them to wait.”

“If they still try… Can you tell them to go?” He asks and Isabelle can swears there is tears in his eyes.

“Yeah. Yeah I can.”

“Thank you Iz.” He says in a whisper, closing his eyes.

 

   He looks suddenly tired, exhausted, and Isabelle smiles sadly and gently strokes his hair to comfort him, and maybe herself too. Jace and Magnus have sit back on their chair, both looking at Alec with worry and she’d say something if the same feeling wasn’t clear in her eyes as well.

   They are all silent as they wait until he is back asleep, relaxed, to speak again.

 

   “What was that?” Jace asks. “How did that just happened?”  


 

   Isabelle tears-off her eyes from Alec’s sleeping figure to look at her adoptive brother. Jace looks lost. He’s playing nervously with his fingers, staring at their brother with anguish, he doesn’t even blink. 

 

   “It’s my fault.” She answers softly. “I shouldn’t have talk about our par-”

   “It’s not.” Magnus cuts her. “You couldn’t have known. It’s not like he has told us about what happened with your parents.”

   “We asked him!” Jace exclaims frustratingly. “We should have insisted when he refused to tell us!”

“No, Jace, we shouldn’t have.” Magnus firmly counters.

“But-”

“Magnus is right Jace, it wouldn’t have been respectful. Maybe it would even have tear him apart from him.”

“Bullshit!” He yells.

“Jace ! Calm down will you? You’re going to wake him up.”

“No Izzy! No!” He yells standing up. “None of this makes any sense anymore and you know what? It never did!”

“Maybe it doesn’t make any senses to  _ you _ because you were to absorbed in yourself to see Alec sinking more and more into depression ever since Max died!”

 

Isabelle regrets her words the second they leave her mouth and the silence surrounding them now is heavy. Jace’s mouth is closed, lips pressed tightly against each others as to prevent himself to cry. Isabelle opens her mouth, she wants to say something, anything, but Jace shut her with a sign of his hand and stands up. Guilty, she puts her head down and clenches her fists, startling when her brother leaves, slamming the door. She wants to run after him, to apology, but she knows he needs time now, away from her. It’s ridiculous, she realises, they shouldn’t fight like right now and she should not put any blame on Jace, it’s not his fault if Alec is depressed and it’s not his fault if he couldn’t see it, if he didn’t want to see it and it wasn’t out of egocentrism. She knows that and yet… She did burden him, she did accused him of not being there for their brother, she did hurt him...

She suddenly wants to call Clary, to confide in her and have her support. She needs her arms around her and to breathe in her neck, letting her soothing smell comforting her. She needs her presence like she never did before, because she just feels so great when they are together and right now, she selfishly wants to be happy.

 

***

 

It only takes a quick look  between Alec, Isabelle and the door for Magnus to decide he will follow Jace and try to talk to him. He understands the blonde’s anger, guilt and confusion for he long felt the same about his mother. It broke him, back then, and he doesn’t want the same to happen to Jace; the man is already cracked enough.

   He stands and kisses Alec’s, who’s miraculously still asleep, forehead.

 

   “I’ll be right back.”  He says to both his boyfriend and Isabelle.

   “Please tell him I’m sorry.” She pleads.

   “Of course.” He answers with a small smile and with one last look to his sleeping boyfriend, he leaves the room.

 

   It doesn’t take long for Magnus to find Jace, the young man didn’t went far after he left and Magnus finds him sitting on the flood, back against the side of the vending machine. His arms are around his legs and his knees pulled against his chest, head pressed against them. It is so out of character that Magnus lets out a worried sigh and sits beside him, sliding against the wall. Jace lifts his head up, acknowledging his presence before putting his head down again.

 

   “You can not see what you don’t want to see.” Magnus says after a while, breaking the silence. “It’s not easy to see your loved one issues-”

   “Because I’m self-absorbed?” Jace asks sarcastically and the Indonesian almost wants to slap him and bring back some senses into the blonde man.

   “No.” He answers softly instead. “Because you never want them to be in pain. You want them to have the best and always be fine and sometimes, that need to see them being alright clouds the reality.”

   “I knew Alec had some issues, I’m not stupid it’s just… I did- I couldn’t- I thought he was okay, in his own way…”

   “I know.” He wants to tell Jace that he too didn’t see how bad it was and how guilty he feels for not being able to prevent what happened. But somehow, he fears that this will make things about him and he doesn’t want that. Jace doesn’t need this; Jace needs him. “But that doesn’t mean you’re selfish, not really.” He says instead. “I think you’re just so afraid of something bad to happen, since your biological parents, since Max, that you can’t, couldn’t, allow yourself to see it. It’s not selfishness Jace, it’s self preservation.”

 

   A long silence, where they do nothing but stare at the doctors and patients passing by in the hallway, follows. Eventually one of the nurse offers them a coffee they gladly accept.

   Magnus his halfway his cup when Jace talks again.

 

   “You know… I always thought Alec and I were the closest friends in the whole world, I can tell him everything, whether! I’m fine or not, sad or happy, relaxed or angry, everything and… I- I don’t know, I was certain this went both ways, I thought Alec could and would confide everything to me as well…” Jace admits and his eyes are suddenly feels with tears again. “Why couldn’t he trust me?” He asks shakily. “What did I do wrong Magnus?”

 

   Magnus closes his eyes painfully, and they are burning under his lids, emotions flooding him all of sudden, Jace’s tears almost contagious. Maybe it’s because he wonders too where he fails or maybe it is because the blonde’s confession moves him, maybe both, if he has to be completely honest, but he leans forward and takes the young man in his arms, letting him cry on his shoulder.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's really important that they each see a therapist (and a different one as Lydia explains) before trying any kind of real (meaning more than a session with one of the family member's therapist) familial therapy, having lose a brother and then almost lost another one through suicide are really complicated things that might need you to work alone on first. Not to say that some people (Jace, here, for example) has other issues that can't be worked on in a family therapy.  
> Yes, Jace has issues! Don't be too harsh on him please? It's a complicated character and he will work this out but he needs time.  
> I found out that after harming myself (in anyways) or when I find myself in sensitives situations, my panic attacks are easily triggered and this how words that have hurt me are echoing in my head so that is why this happened to Alec there, not to mention that it is, in my opinion, perfectly legit after what happened in the coffeeshop.  
> About the medication, it is not anti depressant just yet, to find the right treatment, he will need to see the therapist, the medications are more calmants (to numb him a little and make sure he doesn't do anything to arm himself again) and pain reliever (for his wrist). I thought I should precise this.
> 
> I don't know how things work in America but I'm pretty sure razors aren't allowed ?  
> I made researches for procedures in America but I'm not sure I got it right, if I made any mistakes, forgive me.
> 
> I hope you liked this chapter and I'll see you there on August 26th !!!
> 
> Thank you for sticking up with that story, I love you all!


	11. No Regrets

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone!  
> Chapter quiiiite earlier than I said, I know, I hope it pleases you.

The sound of her phone ringing wakes Isabelle and she can hear Jace groaning next to her. She doesn’t know what time it is but it must be very early because they are Saturday and they agreed on putting their alarm early enough to be at the hospital when visits open. They are still sleeping together on the couch and if Isabelle thought they would stop as soon as Alec woke up, she had been wrong. It seems that only when their big brother comes back home they will finally be able to sleep at peace, she hopes so anyway. Jace shifts a bit, letting her move so she can grab her phone.

 

“Hello?” She answers with a sleepy voice.

“Good morning Isabelle.”

“Mum?”

“Did I wake you?” Maryse asks but without waiting for an answer. “Anyway, your father and I are at the airport right now and we would like you or Jace to come for us.”

Isabelle eyes open wide and gestures for Jace to get up and get dressed, she doesn’t like it, she asked her parents not to come because Alec doesn’t want to see them. Why can’t they listen? Even for once? Why can’t they ever respect their son’s decision? 

 

“W-What? What are you doing there?”

“We came to visit Alexander of course. I know what you told us but you know that he is confused. He doesn’t know what he wants.”

 

She presses her lips together; she is utterly frustrated and she can’t tell them to leave but she can’t let them see Alec either. Just thinking about how he reacted the other day makes her feel sick in her stomach. Without having any more choice, she decides to get dressed as well and get ready to drive to the airport.

 

“We… We will take you to the apartment, but can’t force Alec to see you if he doesn’t feel ready to receive your apologies.”

“Which apologies?” Maryse scoffs.

 

    Izzy feels her throat going dry, she barely proceeds how wrong all of this is. She doesn't want to believe that her parents don't feel guilty as well for what happened with her brother. It’s surreal, really, because they played part on it, she doesn't have even the shadow of a doubt about it. She doesn't even know what to answer and yet she wishes she had some good replies to spit at her mother's face. But the only thing she is capable of at the moment is to ask.

 

    “What do you mean ‘which apologies’? You’ve hurt him too and you didn't even went to see him when he was unconscious !” She yells and hangs up as she realises she doesn't even  _ want _ an answer.

 

***

 

    All days are the same now. Waking up, eating, watching TV, taking meds, sleeping some more, seeing Magnus, lunch, ignoring the psychiatrist, falling asleep again, seeing his siblings, diner, saying goodbye, reading, sleeping, waking up, repeat.

    Magnus and Isabelle have tried to convince him to talk to the psychiatrist and, actually, Alec would like to. He truly wants it, but he doesn't know what to say or how to explain. He doesn't know how to admit that he doesn't regret what he did, that he doesn't really care nor feel good about being alive right now, only for Jace, Isabelle and Magnus. He is ashamed to feel that way and he doesn't want anyone's pity.

    A sighs escapes his lips and he nuzzles in his boyfriend’s neck. Magnus came early in the morning and had snuggle up in the small hospital bed as soon as the nurses and then the therapist left. They had struggle a bit to be comfortable and right now, Alec is using his boyfriend as a cushion, nicely settled between the older legs. 

 

    “The nurses told me you still refuse therapy.” Magnus in a careful tone gently stroking his hair with one hand and caressing his hips with the thumb of the other. “Why don't you talk to him Alexander?”

    “Why would I?”

 

    His tone is ruder than intended, making Magnus flinch, and Alec winces. He sighs and takes his boyfriend’s hand, the one resting on his hips and squeezes it in a wordless apology.

 

    “Why would I?” He repeats, softly this time.

    “So you can come home sooner? I told you Alexander… You need a psychiatric evaluation if you want to leave… And if you want to get better.”

    “Right. Getting better.” He says unable to deny that Magnus has a point there. “I just… I don't like him.” Alec confesses. “And I don't know what I should say anyway. So there is that.”

    “Okay,” Magnus says after a short instant. “Maybe we can ask for you to have another one? There is no rule for trust and you don't have to force yourself talking with someone you don't have faith in. However, you should have told us, it's important that you do it or we can't help you…”

 

    He starts playing with Magnus’ hand. How much he wishes they were on his couch right now! Red, velvet, soft, comfy couch. So perfect for reading and cuddling. How much he misses his boyfriend’s apartment! Luminous and welcoming and colorful.

 

    “If I accept to visit the therapist… Can I- Can I move in? In your apartment.”

 

    He hates that he bargains, it seems unfair as he is the one making everyone suffers but he can't help it; only with Magnus he feels home and he doesn't want to go back where he lives with his siblings and Magnus asked him once or twice to move in officially before, but does he still want it? After everything? He is glad his back is turned to Magnus because he doesn't think he can face him right now. But when his boyfriend’s arms press him close and when smiling lips find his neck, he lets out a breathe he hasn't even noticed he was holding, too lost in his thoughts.

 

    “Whatever you desire Alexander.”

 

***

 

    Jace can not even begin to believe what they are doing right now: driving with their  _ parents _ to the hospital. Alec had been very clear when he told them he didn't want to see them and they have seen the effects the sole thought has on him. ‘This is not good’ he thinks, especially since they apparently don't even think about apologising. Jace would lie if he said he isn't scared. Of course they will ask their brother first but he is sure the latter will feel trap and like he doesn't have a choice, and Magnus is going to be so angry, no doubt.

    A quick look on the rétroviseurs and he can see how tense it is on the back seats. Izzy is texting, probably Clary, refusing to look at Maryse who has her arms crossed, back straight as she looks by the window. Jace wants to ask if Magnus has been warned of Maryse and Robert coming with them to visit Alec but he doesn't dare,  afraid that it would pass as a provocation. Next to him, Robert is stiff and his fingers play with impatience, taping on his tigh. Everything is awkward and uncomfortable, oppressing even and Jace can't wait to go out.

 

    “ _ So _ ,” Maryse says suddenly, her voice so icy Jace shivers. “Did he  _ at least  _ got rid of this…  _ Freak _ he was infatuated with? Your neighbour right?” She asks scrunching her nose in disgust.

 

    And then, something break in Jace’s mind; he can’t do this anymore, he can’t act like he is on his parents’ side anymore, he can’t stand the way they treat his brother and his friends anymore.  He has never played by the rule, has been a turbulent kid who loved to get into trouble at school because it made him popular but he has always respected his parents. They adopted him and treat him like their son right away. They have always been good to him, always been proud even when he was a nightmare, they always were there for him at any and every prices, even Alec’s and it has never bothered him too much because Alec said it was okay. But from the second those hateful words about his brother’s boyfriend leave Maryse mouth, something breaks in him.

 

“ _ Magnus _ is good for him, he hasn’t left his side even once when Alec was comatose when  _ you  _ didn’t even show up, react or even ask for news. So  _ no  _ he  _ didn’t _ got rid of him and I’m so freaking  _ glad _ about it!”

“How  _ dare _ you talk like this to your mother Jonathan?!” Robert exclaims.

“And how do you,  _ both _ of you, dare disregarding Alec feelings?!” Jace spats back not even flinching at his real name being said. “He doesn’t want to see you! Nor hear about you! If you think he asked for you when he woke up then you are wrong. He didn’t mention you, not even  _ once _ , since he opened his eyes! And you know what? This is  _ your  _ fault. Whatever you told him in that stupid café made him want to forget about you, his _ parents _ , his family!”

“We only told him the truth.” His father answers defensively.

“He only brings shame to our name.” Maryse almost murmurs but loud enough for Jace to hear.

“No he doesn’t.” Isabelle says just as Jace opens his mouth to defend his brother. “He has always taken care of us, more than you ever did! He has always worked hard to please you and for you to be proud!”

    “People like him shall either change or  **_DIE_ ** !” Robert explodes, turning to Isabelle, his face contracted with aversion and hatred.

 

    Jace pulls away from the road and brakes violently, stopping the car. No one is talking anymore, the tension is so palpable Jace can’t barely breathe.

 

    “Is that what you told him?” He asks, his voice trembling with rage.

“As I said,  _ Jonathan _ .” Robert answers stressing the blonde’s real name one more time. “We told him the truth.”

 

Izzy gasps and a another silence follows. Jace unlocks the car without a word, praying for his adoptive parents to take the hint.

 

“Out.” He says when no one is moving. “I’m not letting you meet him.”

“Jace-” Maryse tries, her tone suddenly honeyed.

“JUST **_GET OUT_** !”

 

***

 

Alec agreed to meet the other hospital’s therapist and Magnus is relieved about it, even more than he thought he would be. It means they are going to look for a real treatment for Alec and if they are lucky enough, he will be out soon. But Magnus doesn’t want to get his hopes too high, he knows things aren’t that simple, far from it.

    He is reading the magazine he brought with him -the one in which is talking about his fashion company in a small but positive article- when Jace and Isabelle barge into the room. Jace looks furious; his eyebrows frowned and eyes fierce, throwing fire, his cheeks are red from anger and his jaw is clenched, his hair is a mess for running his hand in it way too often. Isabelle, on the other hand, looks calm, but the way she is bitting her lips and holding herself betrays her distress. 

 

    “What’s happened?” Magnus immediately asks.

“Our parents! That’s what!” Jace shouts and Izzy puts a hand on his biceps to sooth him. “Our freaking parents!”

    “Jace calm down please, you shouldn’t scream in an hospital.” She says.

    “I’m going to buy so coffee for everyone, then you will tell me what exactly they did. Is that okay?” Magnus proposes and Isabelle nods. “Jace?”

    “Y-Yeah, yeah alright let’s do this.”

    “Good.”

 

    Magnus hurries outside the room, he can feel anxiety creeping out; why is Jace so angry? What did Maryse and Robert do again? Did they tell what happened after he left the restaurant ? He isn't sure he wants to know what they said; it cannot be anything good. Taking a deep breath, he leans against the coffee machine and close his eyes, waiting for the cups to be full. The smell of the bad hospital’s coffee soothes him a little. A few days ago, he couldn't stand it; it was a reminder of Alec’s comatose state and how he might die but now… It smells like hope. Soon, they will be in his apartment, drinking a rich, tasteful, delicious coffee. A Bolivian one maybe; with its dark chocolate and caramel after taste, Alec’s favourite. When he comes back to the room, he is ready to hear whatever Jace and Isabelle will tell him.

    He gives each of the siblings a cup and sits on the side of the bed. He doesn't ask, he waits for them to talk first. Isabelle is the first to understand, as she starts to speak.

 

    “My mother called this morning, telling me that she and my father were at the airport and they wanted us to pick them up and bring them to the hospital to visit Alec. They know Alec doesn’t want to see them so they decided to give us no choice.”

 

    Magnus can't help a snort. Of course they would do that. He isn't even surprised, from the little he saw of them he could tell what they are prepared to do to get what they want. That, and what Alec and his siblings told him about them even before he meet them. 

 

    “So we went and we warned them that if Alec didn't want to have them we won't let them enter the room. It’s when we were in the road to the hospital that everything went wrong. Well, at first it was mainly an awkward silence but then they talked and-”

    “They started to ask about you and how they hoped you and Alec had broken up.” Jace cuts, anger still clear in his voice. “I lashed out because they have no right talking bad about you when you are the one who is there the most for my brother. And I asked about what they said in the café.” He adds and falls silent for a second, clenching his fist. “They basically told him to die.” He reveals, his voice not higher than a whisper.

 

    Magnus blood runs cold. He can barely believe it; how can they be so cruel? But he then remembers his own father and all the slaps, kicks and punches he gave to his mother and him. Magnus shakes the images out of his brain. Everyone can be cruel. But he didn't think his boyfriend’s parent were that kind of monsters, he slaps himself mentally for the hope he somehow has dare to have.

    He wants to scream, to hit something. He wants to get up and find them, to destroy them for what they said, for what they did to Alec, his precious, loving Alec. He wants to put all the blame on them; surely they are the one who put the terrible death idea in his mind. He wants to make them pay.

    But Magnus stays calm, collected. And he doesn't say anything as he doesn't trust his voice right now. He is only sure of one thing: if Maryse and Robert ever dare approach Alec on his watch, he will lost all of his self control.

 

***

 

    This time they give him a woman, she has a nice aura with her long jet black curly hair, her huge, incredibly green, eyes and her brown caramel skin and talking to her is easier than he thought it would be, it’s hard to pronounce the first words but then, Alec can’t stop; he tells everything or almost. He talks about Jace and how he admires him, how strong and independant he is and how he hates rules. He explains Jace’s adoption and how it was great for him to have a brother for the first time, Max wasn’t born yet, and how he had been the only one the blonde allowed himself to cry with. How close they are -were?- and how he is glad to have him in his life.

    He then talk about Izzy and how confident she is, strongheaded and incredibly beautiful. He tells about how their parents always shame her for that. He says how proud he is of her, for following her dreams and getting in that med school to be a forensic and how good she is; a real genius, the major of her promo and how she yet find time for her family and the ones she loves. 

    He tells everything about Magnus; how he is always supportive and loving, gentle and funny. The weird obsession he has for cats and glitters. How he is the most gorgeous person in the whole universe and how good he is at makeup. He talks about the article in the magazine and how proud he is. How he almost live at his boyfriend’s apartment and how good Magnus is at dancing. How Magnus listens to him all the time and how he himself drink every words Magnus could say. He talks about how he loves him and how he is the most amazing person he has ever had the chance to meet.

    He doesn’t talk about Max and he doesn’t talk about his parents. It’s easy to talk when it’s not about the people who hurt him and when it’s not about the person he misses the most. It’s easy to talk, when it’s not about himself.

 

    “It seems you and those people mean a lot to each others.” She says with a smile.

    “Yeah, they mean the world to me. And I know they love me too.”

    “What about your parents ?” She asks. “You haven't mentioned them. Why is that ?”

 

    Alec presses his lips together. He isn't sure he wants to talk about them. Not about what they think about him.

 

    “We aren't really close; my father has business company “Lightwood’s corp” and my mother is a lawyer. They work all the time so they rarely were home to take care of us. They are both very strict and doesn’t care about anything but their image and the importance of the Lightwood’s name. So… Yeah, there isn't much to talk about”

    “I see… How did their absence felt like to you and your siblings?”

    “I don't know.” He shrugs? “It was like that that's all, we didn't really wonder why things were this way and not another.”

    “Who took care about you and your siblings then?”

    “A nanny until I was nine, then I did.”

 

    The therapist looks taken aback first, like she has no words or doesn't know what to say. Like it seems surreal for her to let a young boy in charge. But surely it isn't the first time she faces a situation like that is it? 

 

    “Do you love your parents?”

    “They don’t love  _ me _ .”

    “You didn’t answer the question.”

    “Do you really need an answer?”

 

    She sighs and purses her lips in a disappointed way but Alec doesn’t feel guilty, he feels stupid enough for he still loves them and he doesn’t need her to know that. He watches as she looks down at her files for a few seconds then looks back at him, hesitation clear in her eyes.

 

    “What about Max?” She asks ever so softly.

 

    Alec eyes widen, and for a second, he forgets how to breathe. But yet again, he can't control the flow of words escaping his mouth. He doesn't know why he tells her everything ; he doesn't want to but can't help it and it almost scares him.

 

    “He… He was my youngest brother, He was eight and he crossed the road without looking. A car passed and-” His voice breaks as he tries to say more. “They didn’t even stopped… Max was brilliant, in everything. He was so smart and interested and full of life… And they let him die on the concrete road.” He tells, tears filling his eyes.

    “I’m sorry.”

    “My parents are right though, it’s my fault if this happened. I was selfish.”

    “It’s not your fault.”

    “But it  _ is _ . If I didn’t went to that stupid audition and went to pick him up like I was supposed to do instead, this wouldn’t have happened and he would still be alive.”

    “It is not your fault.” She repeats calmly

    “But-”

    “It is not your fault.”

    “I know” He sobs “I know but-”

    “It is  _ not _ your fault.”

 

Alec looks up and his eyes meet the therapist’s. She looks at him with so much sweetness and conviction he suddenly feels overwhelmed. He doesn’t understand why but it’s like all his feeling are bubbling at the surface and he bursts into tears, face on his hands. She doesn’t move and she doesn’t embrace him, she waits for him to calm down; Alec is glad for it, he doesn’t want to be touched right now. 

 

“Mr Lightwood, before we end this session I have to question for you. Is that okay? I need them for the report but don't you worry, only those answers will be shared. Anything else you said will remain secret between you and me. Do you understand ?” She asks and wait for him to nod. “Do you think you will attempt at suicide again?”

“No.” He says, not knowing if it’s the truth or not. He can’t tell for sure, but he isn’t going to risk a ‘yes’. He wants to go out, as soon as possible.

“Do you regret attempting?”

He hesitates a little, biting his lower lip. Does he regrets? ‘ _ Maybe _ ’ he thinks, but then, maybe he only regrets because he failed, because they didn’t let him die.

 

“No.” He truthfully answers this time. “I don't.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, yeah, a bit of 'drama' to make the story go on. There will be some from time to time. I think it's necessary to keep you guys entertained. Moreover, what happened with Alec's parents could totally happen in real life, though I must admit it must be rare. Or maybe it isn't? I don't really know.  
> I didn't see Alec telling the truth to his siblings or to Magnus. I mean, I kind of base him on myself and there is things I still haven't tell to my parents and my siblings. So... Yeah. I needed them to know, but Alec couldn't tell them. Not any time soon at least.
> 
> Finding a good therapist is so hard!!! It took me years to have one who actually sees, listen and understand my problems and my autism!
> 
> Alec's therapist there is blunt. Because she is based on mine. I not only saw the 'it's not your fault' thing on a movie but my own psychiatrist practiced this trick on me. And it's amazing, honestly, because I tried to justified on why what happened to me was my own fault, the more she said it wasn't, the less I had arguments to prove her it was, until I realise that she is right, it isn't my fault.  
> My first time with the psy went just as Alec, in the way I didn't talk about anything that really was about me or anything that was hurting me. Well, that was for the first minutes at least. Because I can not even begin to explain the mess I was when she started bluntly asking me deeper questions.
> 
> I don't like some parts of this chapter (but I wont tell you which ones because maybe you didn't see where I was struggling and if I do tell you you'll see it and then you won't like the chapter anymore -if you liked it on the first place-.) but eh... Nothing can be perfect.
> 
> Thank you so much for reading this story! <3


	12. Recovery Path

Two weeks have passed and Jace is glad they took the decision not to tell Alec about their parent’s visit; it could have endangered his brother remission, he is sure of it but they haven’t tried again anyway. Alec is fragile and his parents hurt him badly the last time he saw them. They pushed him on the edge, they are the one who put this horrific idea of taking his own life in his head, they are the one who almost killed him. Just by talking about them calling to visit had provoked a panic attack so… Jace can’t even imagine what could happen if they reveal Maryse and Robert had tried to come anyway, wearing no shame and no apology. Jace will never forgive them for that. Just thinking about it makes his blood boils in rage. He feels the panic making its way yet again in his brain, blurring all rational thoughts and whisperings cruelly how he his just has guilty as them and he just has to lift his head for the scene to play again in front of him; he can see himself, yelling at his brother, he can hear the horrible words he said to him. He sees again how Alec’s face decomposed even more, losing all its colours and all the hope for comfort it was still holding. Why didn't he see this before? He watches himself leaving the apartment as Alec tries to hold back his tears, his lower lip trembling slightly. And then Alec disappears and he remembers how much fun he had outside, when Alec was hurting so badly he stopped seeing any point on living. Then he sees himself going back in, Isabelle on his heels. He hears his own voice calling for their brother, ready to apologise. But it's too late and he turns only to see Alec, his brother, his best friend, lying in a pool of blood, fresh deep cuts on his wrists, face so pale it looks grey… Dying. 

    He takes a deep breathe, trying to think about something else, something good. Trying to focus because Alec has been doing great these days, he reminds himself, thanks to the therapist, mainly; she found him the right treatment and he is now more relaxed and willing to heal his mind. Jace has remembers the effects of all the treatments they tried before finding the one that works on Alec, he will never forget the bags under his brother’s eyes and the days he slept the whole day. He can’t possibly erase from his memory the images of Alec vomiting everything that got into his mouth and the tears smearing his face, the cries and the mood swings and all the apologies. But now, if he still sleeps a lot and has some trouble eating because of the medication, he still tries and works hard to be okay, to talk more to them and get out of the daze he was in after he woke up. Alec is getting better, not perfect, not in this little amount of time, but better and it is what matters the most. Jace wouldn’t dare asking for more.

Yesterday, the therapist gave them a positive report and they are changing his room again today; if everything goes well, Alec will leave the hospital in a few days. Jace must admits that he is stressing out a little about that, the hospital is safe, Alec can’t try anything in there and though he knows the therapist wouldn’t let him go if he was still a danger for himself, Jace can’t stop the worries from invading his mind.

But it isn’t only that; today, Isabelle had a date with Clary and Jace had a moment alone with his brother. They had talked about their sister, Magnus and many things, until Jace mentioned Alec’s return to their apartment. It had been awkward, really, Jace had been kind of excited, showing how much he couldn’t wait for his brother to come back and live with them again, just as they always did before, how much he was impatient for things to go back to normal only for Alec to look down and bit his lower lips, as he always does when he keeps something from them and it’s coming to light and after a deep breathe, Alec had shared with him his decision to move in with Magnus.

It shouldn’t be a shock for Jace, but it was, it still is as he sits on the couch and runs a hand through his hair. It’s not like it was never going to happen, after all, they have been together for almost three years now and Alec has almost been living with him for almost two and half by sleeping nearly every night in the Indonesian man’s apartment. But making it official changes everything. Even when spending all his time at his boyfriend’s place, he was still calling his and his sibling’s apartment “home”. It was, it is, his home, there, with Jace and Izzy and the blond selfishly doesn’t want this to change for Alec. It’s ridiculous, it truly is because they are all adults and are eventually mean to leave and live separately, but it hurt; Jace wants Alec to be home with him, with them. He needs it; he needs his big brother. Because everything is messy right now, so messy he can’t even think properly.

 

***

Isabelle pushes the apartment’s door, smile huge on her face and red painting her cheeks. A few minutes before, she and Clary have kissed. For the first time in years, their lips have reconnected and it was fireworks in her heart. She is happy. She didn’t think she would be happy like that again. Not after Max’s death. Not after Alec’s suicide attempt. But there she is, grinning like a mad woman, happiness bursting like a firework in her chest, the feeling so immense she thinks it might consume her soon. 

    It isn’t hard, reconnecting with Clary. The redhead is easy to talk to and interested in everything. She has been amazed when Isabelle told her about her studies and Isabelle has been even more amazed when she told her she is actually selling some of her paintings now. It’s like they are slowly making up for lost time, never closing any doors and tonight, they have _ kissed _ . Clary has drive her back to the apartment, but she hasn’t leave the car. They have smile at each others, looking at each others in the eyes as if they were both waiting for something; then, Clary has lean and they lips touched. It was a simple, sweet peck from Clary. Lips against lips, closed eyes and so much emotions it was overwhelming, it was beautiful.

    She jogs a little to the living room, impatient to tell Jace everything. She didn’t expect to see her brother head in his hand and the scene makes her stop in her track and sigh.

 

    “Hey.” She says softly sitting next to him.

    “Alec doesn’t want to come back home, he will go with Magnus.” He replies and Isabelle could swear his voice is shaking.

    “I know.” She answer putting her hand on his back. “He told me.” And as much as she would like Alec to come back home with them, she understands and respect his decision.

    “And this does nothing to you?”

 

    Jace is obviously upset and Isabelle sighs again. She knew he would react like that. Jace can say everything about Alec but he doesn’t like big changes either. She does, most of the time, but if  _ this  _ is hard for her already, she can’t imagine how it must be for Jace who used to rely on Alec like on a safety blanket and maybe hoped things will go back this way just to have everything crumbling down again. People would say he is selfish or that he doesn’t care about Alec but she knows better. She knows it's not because he doesn't care about their brother because he  _ does _ , too much if anything but he is scared; so scared Izzy can smell it.

 

    “It makes sense to me, I don’t think I would like to go back to the place I almost died in.”

    “Well, we do live where he almost died.” Jace almost snaps.

    “Jace, I know it’s hard believe me it’s hard for me too. I don’t want him to get out of the hospital just for him to get away from our eyes either, but Magnus will take care of him and he will live just across our doorstep.”

    “That’s not it.”

    “Then what is it?”

    “I need things to be normal again, just… Just for a while. I miss him Iz, I see him every day but… I miss our Alec so damn much.”

 

_     ‘Because you didn’t see how depressed he was already before’ _ Isabelle wants to say but doesn’t; there is no use of it, it will only hurt Jace more.

 

    “I feel like… If he came back, I won’t see his body on the hallway over and over again, maybe I’ll stop reliving again and again the moment I found him.” Jace whispers. “Maybe I’ll stop seeing him dying.”

    “Maybe it would help, maybe it wouldn’t.” She says, gently replacing one of her brother’s lock behind his hear. “Or maybe we should look for another apartment.”

Jace looks at her dumbfounded and she smiles softly. 

They have been living there for three years now and it has feel like their home for quite sometimes now; they all used to feel safe in here, together and away from their parents and even if Maryse and Robert came, it was still where they were the more free and the more themselves. If things hadn’t changed, Isabelle is sure it would still feel this way but ever since Alec tried to kill himself, it isn’t a safe place anymore. They can’t sleep peacefully anymore. They can’t ignore the uneasy feeling in their stomach every time they open the front door. The decoration warm and cosy doesn’t feel welcoming anymore; it looks at them with narrowed cold eyes as if it doesn’t want them anymore. It isn’t home anymore. Not to Isabelle at least, and she doesn’t think it will ever change now; there is no turning back. 

 

    “We will have to move on from this Jace, my therapist told me-”

    “Your  _ therapist _ ?”

    “Yes. My therapist. He is really helping me actually, and I think you should start seeing one too, you are delaying all the time Jace! Lydia told you, it's important that you do it, you need this!”

    “I’m fine.”

    “Oh yeah? Look at you; you are moping because Alec wants to live with his boyfriend, because he doesn't want to go back here. He is being healthy Jace! At least he is trying to move on and get better! He  _ needs _ that.”

“But _ I  _ need him! Okay?!” Jace yells tears rolling down his cheeks. “I need him  _ here _ .”

 

    She slightly shakes her head and takes him into her arms. 

 

    “I know, I do too.” She admits. “But, Jace, you have to understand; we need to stop being selfish.”

 

***

 

    Today, it's Catarina who waits for Alec when he comes back from his session with the therapist. He smiles at her and looks a little around, his gaze stopping to the bathroom’s close doors.

 

    “Magnus isn't here.” Catarina informs. “Raphael called for an emergency and the visitations hours are soon over, I’m sorry.”

    “Oh… Is everything okay?”

    “I don't know, but if it isn't I am sure it will soon be.”

    “Of course, Magnus will make his magic works for that.” He says, earning a giggle from Cat.

 

    Among all of Magnus’ friends, Catarina might be Alec’s favourite. He loves how she is as nice as blunt and sassy and how she’d do anything to save lives. It isn't a surprise to see how good she is at her job.

    Catarina is easy to talk to and always understanding. She had been wary with him at first, when he was still deep in the closet but now, she has become a good friend for him.

 

    “How are you holding up?” She gently asks.

    “Good.” He says and she raises a brow. “Better.” He rectifies as he sits on the bed. “The therapist says I will be out of the hospital in a few days so there is nothing to worry about.”

    “Is she planning a session with your siblings?”

    “Yes, she talked to me about it, she wants my parents to come too.”

    “Oh…”

    “I think they want to kill me.” He says and looks up. “I know it sounds paranoid,” he immediately adds upon Catarina’s gaze, “but… If you had been there that day…”

    “What did they do to you?”

    “Seriously Catarina ? I didn't tell the therapist…Hell I didn't even tell Magnus…”

    “But I'm neither of them Alec.” She says, her eyes shinning with this twinkle that always makes Alec trusting her. “Let me help you, please.”

 

    Alec opens his mouth; there is something magical about Catarina and how she always gets him to talk with her and he wants to tell her. He does and he knows he needs to tell someone about his parents but he doesn't trust his therapist enough yet and he knows how Magnus and his siblings will react if he tells them; Isabelle and Jace will probably cut all contacts they still have with Maryse and Roberts, it would be like making them choose a side and he can't do that. And Magnus… It will hurt him even more and he doesn't deserve that. They can't ever know what really happened after Magnus left the coffee shop. They can't ever learn what his parents dared to say and the threats behind their words.

 

    “Promise me you won’t tell Magnus.” He demands. “Or my siblings.”

 

    She hesitates. He knew it; she asked just so she can tell Magnus later. He purses his lips together in a thin disappointed grimace. He had hoped, actually, he thought that maybe out of anyone he could tell her.

 

    “Alright,” She suddenly agrees. “I promise.”

 

He sighs; even for him it doesn't seem logical to open up like this, so suddenly and not to the people he cares the most about. But maybe this is also the reason why it is easier. Catarina will not let a blind anger take over her.

 

    “They- no, my father, he told me… He told me-” He tries, his voice breaking as he says it out loud for the first time. “When I came out, he told me he would have killed me himself if there wasn't so many people around. And my mother approved.” He finally confesses, looking down at his feet.

 

    He hears Catarina soft gasp and wonders if he did well by telling her the truth. But at the same time, he feels so light now that he gets it out of his chest. It weirdly feels safer to know that someone knows.

 

    “I will try to convince your therapist on not calling your parents.” Catarina says and her voice is strangely harsh.

    “Thanks Cat.”

 

    She gives him a reassuring smile. 

 

    “You are more than welcome Alec. I'm sorry but I am going to leave you know, I'm taking my shift in five minutes.” 

 

    She stands up and put her hand on his shoulder for a few seconds before smiling again and leaving him.  _ Alone _ and it shouldn't bother him, he always dreads for this moment of the day where no one is there to look over him with worried eyes, because he feels so lonely that even when his boyfriend or siblings are here he is still somehow alone. When they finally all leave, the calm that remains is like a blanket putting him to sleep and though it usually never feels good, today is different; because it never really hurt before, not as much as it does right now.

    The air has become thick around him, making him breathe heavily. Fighting to not suffocate at the creeping panic, he sits on his bed and grabs the blanket, his fingers curling so tightly his knuckles turn white. He shouldn't feel like that, he thinks, it is not normal, not when he is already on medication, not when his friend has left him for less than five minutes and yet… Loneliness crushes him and it hurt like a broken bone. He is dizzy, his head and all his limbs are like dead weight on his body and he feels sick; the scars that started to form on his wrist are burning and though he does not, he wants nothing more than scratching them. He closes his eyes under the pain; heart is so contracted and his chest so heavy it's a wonder he can still breathe. He can feel the tears like they come from his heart and lungs. It is weird feeling, he could have swear tears came from behind the eyes. But it appears as if they were made by the heart, slowly making their way through his throat, stinging his nose, constricting his body even more.

    He feels weak, powerless, empty as tears fill his eyes and he wish for no more than Magnus opening the door and be with him. Magnus or anyone, really. He just need someone. 

    His hands run through his hair, pulling hard, searching for pain, anything to forget the gigantic bleeding hole, which more than a metaphor really seem to be there, in his heart. And he thought he was fine. Better at least, thanks to all those people who care about him, those people who he thought should hated him but are surrounding him with their love, those people who come to see him everyday or almost and who try to comfort him without showing any sign of bore and make him feel like he matters. An humourless chuckle escapes his lips, followed by a sobs and he tries and tries but he doesn't understand; how can being so loved can still be so painful ?

_ ‘ _ Inhale, count to ten, exhale. Inhale, count to ten, exhale.’ Breathe _ , and repeat _ .

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some might wonder why I'm making jumps in time like that, it's not the first time and it wont be the last for one simple reason: if I keep the almost day to day rythm it will get very repetitive and probably ends up to bore you. I'll always try to keep it as realistic as possible but jumps in time are necessary to move the story forward and not stay stuck too much in one arc only.
> 
> Medication... Huh, anti depressant are hard. I remember my reaction to the first one I had to try, it wasn't pretty at all... Thankfully I have a good one now, though it cuts my appetite during the day and though there are days I can't really feel any emotions (?), somehow. Anyway... Never be afraid or ashamed of being under medication for depression or any mental diseases. When you have a sore throat you take meds and when you break a bone you heal it too. Your mind is just the same !
> 
> Jace has PTSD and sometimes it also appears like that, when I relive bad memories it sometimes happens like that for me too, I know it doesn't sounds reallistic, but I swear to you, to me, it is...  
> The difficulty to accept the change and his brother living home after what happens is also, but I'm sure you understand it, as normal as it gets. I mean, if one of my sisters attempted suicide I wouldn't want her to live our home when she eventually comes back!
> 
> I LOVE CAT. I needed to put her here and I always feel she is the kind of person you can't help telling her everything about your life. (Or maybe it's my huge crush on her talking?)
> 
> Okay so, the way Alec feels at the end of this chapter is the words I put on a situation I faced not only during those holidays but that I face regularly, the deep, crushing, feeling of loneliness. It really feels this way to me, what I describe is exactly how I feel and how I live those crisis. (or almost because sometimes I actually scratch myself but eh, it's not that often that I give in on scratching)
> 
> I hope you guys liked this chapter.
> 
> If any of you ever need to talk or if you just want to chat for a bit you can find me on Instagram and Twitter under the same username : Twykad  
> and on Tumblr: high-warlock-of-procrastination 
> 
> I used to face things alone and I think no one should ever have to live that, don't ever hesitate, I might not be able to answer right away but I will nonetheless answer and listen to you.
> 
> I hope you all will have a nice day/week/weekend <3


	13. Homecoming

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone !!  
> So I have a few announcements;  
> First of all, I'm moving next week to Tours, where I will study for one to two years, so I wont be able to post as I wont have the wifi immediatly.  
> Second, I'm going to start the web school and it's going to be soooo interesting but it will also take a lot of time because the schedule is very heavy.  
> Which brings me to third: I don't know if I'll be able to post every week as I wont be able to write as much. I will try to continue the every Saturday rythm but I might have to post (still on Saturday) every two weeks.
> 
> I hope you wont be too disappointed nor angry with me because of that and that you will not leave this story for the same reasons.

    Alec doesn’t know how, but Catarina managed to convince his therapist to not call his parents for the familial reunion. Instead, Magnus sits next to him, with his siblings. The session hasn’t started yet but everyone in the room looks nervous as if they are scared of what the psychiatrist will say. Alec would like to reassure them, to tell them how nice and understanding she is, but he can’t bring himself to do it. He would be lying if he said he isn’t nervous as well, but not for the same reasons; for a few weeks now, he has been the only one talking to her, she is his psychiatrist and it feels strange to know that today the people that are the closest to him are going to talk with her to. He doesn’t like it; it feels like he isn’t supposed to share her, not with his loved ones.

 

    “Good morning!” The therapist says as she enters the room.

    “Good morning doctor.” Magnus answers immediately with a bright grin.

Jace grumbles a ‘morning’ and Izzy a shy one. Alec just nods to her but she smiles at him, not taking it wrongly.

“How are you feeling today Alec?” She asks. “Are you ready for your last session here?”

“I guess so.” He shrugs.

“What about you?” She asks looking at his boyfriend and siblings. “How do you feel about this?”

“What is it for?” Jace questions aggressively, a frown on his face.

“Well, it’s about summarizing your brother’s situation and finding the best solutions for him in the future so we don’t have to face another attempt. Is that okay with you Mister?”

“Y-yes of course miss.” Jace mumbles, looking down like a scold kid.    

“Perfect.” She smiles. “I have a question for all of you.” She starts looking at Magnus, Jace and Isabelle. “I would like you to share what you felt the time where Alec was here, at the hospital.” She demands. “If you feel like it of course.”

They look at each others and Alec look at them. He wonders who is going to talk first and what they are going to say. He can already feel the anxiety and the guilt rising; maybe they will blame him for trying to leave them. Maybe they will finally realise and say that they hate him and he isn’t worthy of their time. Maybe they will say they are angry and that they don’t want him anymore now that he is going to quit the hospital’s care.

As if he was feeling his panic, Magnus put a soothing hand on his thigh and squeezes it lightly, allowing Alec to breathe again.

 

“I was scared and lost.” Magnus says. “I thought I was going to lose the one person who matters more than any other to me. And I felt guilty; we had just fight before because I let my personal hopes and feelings cloud my judgement and usual understanding. Maybe if I had been there for him and understand why he said what he said back at the restaurant, he wouldn’t have done what he did.”

 

Magnus takes his hand and intertwines their fingers. Alec doesn’t understand how Magnus can speak so freely about his feelings in front of everyone, he admires that, he doesn't think he would be able to do it himself. He wishes he could tell him that the fight had nothing to do with the fact he tried to end everything, but maybe it would be a lie because, though it was  _ not _ Magnus’ fault, it  _ has _ been one of the too many thing that were suffocating him that day. But if anything, it is his own fault. He should have been more brave.

 

“I-I felt abandoned.” Izzy says following Magnus’ example. “I already lost a brother and I never imagined I could lose another one. I didn’t understand… I still don’t understand… Why would he leave me? And… He- You- Alec, you used  _ my _ tool, my  _ scalpel _ and I couldn’t help wondering if it was because I had done something wrong, if this was some kind of revenge or just because it was easier that taking the blade of your razor off… I-” She stops and looks at her brother, tears in her eyes. “Was it my fault, Alec?”

“No… No of course not.” Alec softly answers rushing to take his sister in his arms. “It’s not your fault Iz…”

“Then is it mine?” Jace suddenly asks, his tone a little harsh, making everyone focuse on him and he moved awkwardly on his chair. “I know it’s also Maryse and Robert’s and I- _ we _ know what they said to you, or at least the big idea they put into your brain” He says with a trembling voice, but this is not the reason why Alec flinches.

 

    How do they know? Did Catarina say something? No it couldn’t be, she promised… Then… How? Does Magnus knows too? Trying to calm himself down, to not show how this is affecting him, to focus, Alec clenches his fist, letting his nails sink on his flesh, almost breaking the skin.

 

    “But…” Jace continues, “If I hadn’t yelled at you, would you have done that anyway? Is it my fault for not staying with you and comforting you? Because you know, Alec, I really, really regret it. I regret it so much you can’t even imagine. I can’t sleep properly anymore and I keep- I keep seeing you on the floor of our apartment, bleeding out and unconscious. And I- I can’t help being as angry at you as I feel guilty for this. And I’m scared every day that you hate me. Because you never talked to me, you never, ever told me about your issues Alec! And I thought- I thought I wasn’t only your adoptive brother, I thought I was your best friend as well! I thought you would tell me everything just as I do with you! Why is it I was the only one not knowing about your insomnia and your fight with depression? Do you not trust me?” Jace asks, his voice breaking by the end of his monologue.

It seems that, just as he, under so many emotions, Jace couldn’t control the flow of words escaping his mouth. Alec doesn’t know what to answer at first. He knew at least one of them would be angry and he isn’t surprised that it is Jace but somehow, it saddens him even more. Alec isn’t used to Jace pouring out his feelings like that in front of everyone and he can imagine very well how heavy they must have been for him to do it right now. But he feels pained as well; he never thought he, out of everyone, would hurt Jace so much, all he always wanted was to protect him, so Jace could always be as cocky and confident as he always has been. The psychiatrist doesn’t say anything; she observes them with a mixture of compassion, curiosity and professionalism, maybe some pride as she managed to make them talk.

 

“Of course I trust you Jace.”

“Then why?”

_ ‘Because I didn’t want to be a burden’ _ Alec thinks but doesn’t tell. He doesn’t say anything. He just sighs and looks down. He can’t explain, he doesn’t want to, not yet. He doesn’t want Jace trying to convince him he shouldn’t have thought what he had thought. He doesn’t want his brother to tell him how he should have been.

“Alec?” The therapist calls gently. “Do you have anything to share with them? Like we talked about before?”

“I-I’m not sure I’m ready.” He confesses; coming back to his sit and Magnus takes his hand again. “But I’m-I’m sorry. I never meant to hurt any of you.” Alec says and he hopes they believe him, because it’s true. “And I don’t blame any of you, I swear, so… Please forgive me...”

 

    It is not easy to talk, it never is but Alec now somehow understands why his boyfriend and siblings are able to talk during the session, the therapist presence is comforting, they don't have to completely face each others, it feels safe. Maybe, with his Magnus’ hand in his, squeezing gently, giving him strength, with his siblings, so motivated to help him and with the therapist's presence, he will be able to open his heart. Maybe not now, he isn't ready. But one day.

 

***

    For how long Alec has been in the hospital, it has felt like he was never coming back and yet, not long after the session with all of them, he has been allowed to leave in the two days that followed. Magnus could not be more happy; Alec is coming home.

    He rearranges once again the cushion on the bed and the soft blanket on the sofa. Everything must be perfect for when Alec is there again. Alec has his own habits, they keep him grounded. He always uses the same cups, the same chopsticks, the same glassed so Magnus takes out his boyfriend's favourite cup and places it on the kitchen table so he will make them tea as soon as they got here. Alec is coming home.

    Yesterday, Isabelle and Jace helped him with Alec belongings, moving them from the siblings’ apartment to his. He can tell Jace is still not happy about this, that the blond man wants his brother to stay with him, but he doesn't bargain no more, he tries to understand, to accept the change, Magnus can see that and he is proud of him for this. They have been busy all day and Magnus have end up ordering take out for everyone. They were happy and excited. Alec is coming home.

    Only one thing worries him though; at the end of the session they had with Alec’s therapist, the latter had take Isabelle, Jace and him apart. ‘ _ There is something I must tell you, _ ’ she had say, ‘ _ for Alec own safety, it's better for him that he is not left alone, he says he will not attempt at suicide again but… I can see he is still fragile, I don't know what a meltdown could do to him _ .’ Jace had protest at that but the therapist warned them that if they don't take her seriously they might end up with a dead brother or boyfriend at worse, and at best, they will have to put him in a facility, a mental home. The sole thought sends a shiver down Magnus spine and he has to sit for a while to reassure himself. They have take dispositions, Magnus has move almost everything he needs for work in the apartment and Jace has swear he will make himself available at any emergency. Isabelle wanted to do something too but they have assure them that her studies were too important and hard for that, they can manage without her during the week and she can be there on the weekend. Everything is going to be fine,  _ Alec is coming home _ .

 

***

 

Alec is excited, he doesn’t remember the last time he has felt like that but this is overwhelming. He balances himself on his feet, waiting impatiently for his siblings; they are supposed to arrive in a few minutes. He had asked for Magnus to come as well so the three most important people in his life would be there to take him out of the hospital, but his boyfriend had insisted that he would better stay home and wait for him, preparing a great lunch and make everything comfortable but Alec knows it’s for him to spend some alone time with his brother and sister. Alec wonders if they asked for it. It’s true they haven’t spend some time with only the three of them in a long time, but it scares him; he is afraid of the question he might ask, because he hasn’t asked yet about how they know what their parents told him and maybe it will be a good thing if he asks without Magnus being there; after all, he doesn’t know if the Indonesian knows as well or not and is not ready to risk this kind of reveal.

Even though he was waiting for it, he is still startled when the door opens on a grinning Jace and a smirking Izzy. Scratching the back of his head, Alec can’t help but smile back as Isabelle hurries to his side and hugs him.

 

“Hello big brother.” She says softly. “Ready to go home?”

“More than ever.” He breathes.

“Come on then, I’m driving.”

 

Alec rolls his eyes, of course she is driving.

 

“And I have a date with Clary tonight, we should totally do a double date, you, Magnus, me and Clary. So we can discuss on how to find someone for Jace.”

“I don’t need a  _ someone _ , Iz.”

“You do.”

“I don’t.”

“But you  _ do _ .”

“I really don’t!!! Alec say something !”

 

Alec doesn’t say anything, but he bursts into laughter: a thousands of small, shy, happy chuckles. He has missed this, Jace and Izzy, bickering until one of them cries for “the big brother’s” help, never earning it but always smiling in victory as the oldest sibling starts laughing at them. One of the best feeling in the world if you ask him, or any of them.

 

***

 

They are all weirdly silent in the car, Isabelle notices, it almost makes her wish that the time they had earlier had frozen; they had been so carefree for an instant, like everything was okay again! But now, Alec is fidgeting with the sleeve of his jacket and Jace is looking through the window, his fingers tapping gently on his knee.

 

    “Hey,” Alec almost whispers breaking the silence. “You said you knew what the parents told me… How?”

 

    It’s a good thing the traffic light is red because Isabelle would have, otherwise, abruptly brake. She didn’t expect the question and from what she sees in the rear-view mirror, neither did Jace. The blonde has turned and is looking at Alec with wide conflicted eyes, mouth agape. When he finally closes it, Isabelle can see his eyes shifting to hesitation.

 

    “The parents came.” She bluntly says, sparing Jace from saying it. “They took us by surprised, calling us once they were at the airport.” She explains. “Once we were in the car Jace asked to know more about what happened the day you… They didn’t say exactly what they told you, just implied that they told him either to change or die.”

    “We sorry we didn’t tell you.” Jace says. “You were very fragile and we didn’t want to trigger you some more.” 

 

Alec says nothing; his lips are pressed in a thin line. She wishes he would scream at them for keeping such a secret, or that he would blame them for letting their parents come into town. She doesn’t like the silence and seeing Jace’s begging eyes, she guesses that he too, needs Alec to say something, anything.

 

***

 

    Jace can say Alec is more worried than pissed or angry as they had thought he would be. He wants to apology again, because what else could he do? But his brother's stillness is stopping him from it. He is afraid one word only would be enough to make Alec snaps. He is afraid to screw up again. He is afraid one little thing will make Alec break again and that this time, he won’t be able to save him.

 

    “Alec-” Isabelle tries.

    “Does Magnus know?” Alec cuts her immediately. 

    “Yes… We told him… Sorry.”

 

    Jace waits for an highly negative reaction, but it never comes. Alec’s shoulders slumps and he sighs deeply, sadly.  


    He understands why his brother didn't want his boyfriend to know, but he also knows it was needed; Magnus deserved to know and it is better, healthier, for all them to know. Now they know why they mustn't let Maryse and Robert near Alec. They know better how to protect him.

 

    “What are you going to do now ?” Alec asks.

    “We- We thought…” Jace trails off not really sure what answer Alec waits for.

    “Don't break the contact with them. They still love you.”

 

    Jace wants to protest and he can see Izzy wants it too. Because that's what they have planned; Alec is the one who took care of them the most anyway so why bother trying to balance between both when they could make the easy choice and take Alec’s side only.

 

    “They already lose two sons.” Alec continues. “I'm not sure they'll survive losing their whole family.”

    “Sounds like you thought a lot about it.” Jace replies with a bitter chuckle.

    “I did actually. I didn't have much to do in my room.”

 

    The blond man clenches his jaw at that. Of course Alec would have truly reflect on this and tried to take decisions for them. That's what he does, taking his big brother role at heart even when he is the one suffering the most. But Jace knows he is also right and there is nothing more upsetting; it is exactly what he told Magnus and Izzy when Alec was still in surgery, he had felt like his parents would ask him to chose but though his choice would always be Alec… He still loves his parents. They took him in, they fed him, accepted him in their family…. They made him their son. And Jace isn't ready to be an orphan again.

 

    “After what they did to you…”

    “But Alec is right, Iz… I'm furious against them but… I can't give up on them,  _ we _ can't. Maybe we can show them how wrong they are, maybe they'll come around… Maybe they'll regret…”

    “I'm in a relationship with a girl, Jace, I doubt they like it and I doubt they'll still love me when they’ll learn about it.”

 

    Silence falls again in the car, heavy and suffocating.

 

***

 

    Never Magnus’ door has been feeling home like it does when they finally arrives; never has it been so comforting and welcoming than today and never as Alec feel so nervous about coming back here.

    Jace and Izzy smile at him, encouraging Alec to knock. But he doesn't even have to; as soon as he raises his fist, the door opens.

    Magnus is beautiful, a smile gracing his face and his eyes are shining with joy, golden eye shadow on the lids with a fine trait of jet black liner and his lips are of a pale red Alec wants to kiss. He is wearing Alec’s favourite shirt, the one Alec gifted him at Christmas; it’s a silk dark shimmering blue shirt with silver outlines and buttons. He’s wearing a black jeans with it but no shoes nor socks letting Alec see that he has paint his toenails the same colour as his finger nails.

    Alec smiles right back at him and lets his boyfriend pulling him into a tight hug.

 

    “Welcome home Alexander.” Magnus whispers softly.

 

    They part after a few seconds and Magnus let them in, taking Alec’s hand in his.

    The inside is exactly like Alec remembers, which is quite impressive knowing how often Magnus redecorates his apartment, at least by changing the furnitures emplacements. But somehow, this familiarity is reassuring, comforting him. He sits on the couch, sinking on the comfy cushions. After only a tea and Isabelle insistence, she and Jace leave the apartment. It’s weird to watch them leaving knowing that he know lives here, with Magnus.

    He tried not to pay attention but he can't help but notice earlier how Jace tended to stay in retreat. He hasn't talked much and didn't participate a lot in the conversations they had. Alec wants to believe he is just tired but he knows it's not that. Jace only tries to distant himself from him when he is upset with something. 

 

    “I think Jace is angry.”

    “Jace is sad, Alexander, he wanted you to come back to their apartment, not this one… And honestly, I don't think I would have really been happy if you hadn't stay there. I need to hold you tonight.”

 

    Alec smiled softly and presses his lips against Magnus’.

 

    “And you will… I need to hold you too.” He closes his eyes, his forehead against Magnus’. 

    “I’ll talk to Jace, but right now, I just want to be with you; I missed you.” he adds kissing his boyfriends jaw.

    “I missed you too Alexander.” Magnus chuckles.

 

    And they are kissing again, as Magnus leads them to the bedroom, with lips and teeth and tongue, sweetness and hot burning passion, love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Huh, I'm not sure about the familial therapy part, but I do know that during familial mediation/therapy it's easier to talk about things you wouldn't talk about without a tiers, as I explained (I think I did) during the narration. It takes a few minutes but usually once one starts the others follow. It's harder to talk face to face about how you really feel, it's scarier, to me at least. And I think Alec needed it before leaving the hospital. If you ever did a familial therapy or mediation, and feel like sharing your experience, please don't hesitate telling me about it and how you felt, I'd love to have more to learn with than only my personnal experiences. 
> 
> I picture Jace an aromantic or demi-romantic. I thought I would do some Jimon or Jaïa but I'm not sure anymore? Maybe he will be fully aro... Let me know what you think in the comments please! I'd love some opinions and advices!
> 
> There will not be smut. Sexual moments will always be implied. If you wonder why, I'm going to tell you right now: I'm asexual (yup, just like Raphael, which makes me so happy to finally have so representation. HURRAY). I do not know how it comes that you love someone so much you suddenly want to take off his and yours clothes and do stuff. So, even if I know a lot about sexuality and everything or so touching it (because I'm a curious person and I try to understand) I can't relate and I wouldn't be able to describe the feeling. I then think it's better if I simply don't write smut. I hope you'll understand.
> 
> I'm wishing you all a nice day/weekend/week/month/everything. 
> 
> kisses xoxo


	14. Safe and Sound

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there ! I hope everyone is doing well!!  
> So, this is more of a filler chapter (though I did fullfil my 3 000 thousand words goal) and I'm going to explain why:  
> I haven't been doing really well this week, moving to a new town where the only person I know leave at at least one hour from where I do.  
> I'm not used to live alone and the feeling of loneliness is overwhelming in my tiny studio. I don't hear my sisters arguing anymore and no one is there to ask me for help. I have to cook for myself when I used to cook for five and I miss my dog and my cats.  
> The school on the other hand is amazing, I'm having the time of my life in there so far. But as soon as I reach my apartment, I have a knot on my stomach and tears in my eyes.  
> But I know this feeling is only temporary, I will get used to it and everything will be better.  
> I'm still not sure about my ability to post next week. I'm not even half done with the next chapter as the force to write became hard to find because of the overwhelming feelings I've had. I still hope I will be able to do so, but I can't promise you anything.
> 
> Also, yes, Alec waking up alone in Magnus' bed is one of my favourite scene.
> 
> I wish you all to have a great reading and I'm sorry for my rambling!

Waking up next to Alec that morning feels more like a dream than any reality; like a miracle. After all those days and all those weeks, his boyfriend his back to his arms. It’s almost scary, he thinks as he presses his naked body to Alec’s, how he though, from when Jace called to when he reached the hospital, to when he saw Alec waking up, that he will never have any of this again; that he will never again make love with Alec, that he will never wake up to his side again.

Little snores drop him into and unwelcomed melancholy, laced with the memories of when the bed was cold and empty; Alec is still sleeping, peaceful and unagitated.

    Magnus waits a little, enjoying the warmth of his boyfriend's body and the hair at the nape of the latter’s neck tickling his skin, before sliding carefully out of the bed and putting on some pyjama pants and his favourite blue robe. For the first time in a long while, the silence in the rest of the apartment is comforting. 

    He takes Alec’s favourite coffee out of the cupboard and selects a strong black tea for himself before baking some pancakes and sending a quick text to Isabelle and Jace, inviting them over for breakfast; they surely need to see their brother as much as Magnus needs to see his boyfriend and if the Indonesian man wishes selfishly to have the other young man to himself, he can't possibly let his egoism take the best of him.

    He has seen Jace break down too many time to refuse him the joy of spending time with Alec somewhere else than the hospital. He has seen Isabelle holding way too much weight on her shoulders to refuse her the relief of seeing her oldest brother safe and home.

    Magnus has always admire the youngest Lightwood sibling; Isabelle always shows strength even in her darkest moments. Even between her tears and despair her determination is showing, strong and powerful. When neither he and Jace could handle the pain of seeing Alec unconscious in his hospital bed, she is the one who had keep their hope again, who had hold the three of them altogether. And Magnus admires her even more for that.

A soft knock on the front door tears him from his thoughts and he quickly goes to open it, welcoming Jace and Isabelle with a warm smile.

 

“Alec is still sleeping.” He whispers. “Don’t be too loud.”

“Alec? Still sleeping? At this hour?”

“Hey, blondie, he slept in an uncomfortable bed for weeks. And mi- ours is just so much better you can’t possibly blame him.”

“Whatever.” Jace says rolling his eyes.

 

With a quiet chuckle, Magnus guides them to the kitchen but even though they are all smiling, the tension from the past months is still palpable. Magnus hadn’t dare to  hope that all will be better as soon as Alec came home, but it is still heavier than he imagined. Maybe will it be change for the best when Alec wakes up, he certainly wishes so.

 

***

 

When Alec opens his eyes, he is surrounded by Magnus’ scent and the soft feeling of silk sheets on his skin. He has missed this, _ so much _ . The hospital’s iodoform and too clean smell, the hard mattress and the rough blankets aren’t really ideal to spend a great night. Not to mention the clear absence of his boyfriend, every night.   

Letting out a content sigh and closing his eyes again, he turns and extends his arm to reach for Magnus only to meet cold bottom sheets. 

 

“Magnus?” He calls with a hoarse voice sitting up immediately. 

 

He groans at the absence of answers but the muffled sounds and voices coming from the kitchen are enough of a clue to know why and Alec knows he can say farewell at his morning cuddles in bed dream.

Logically, he should be thrilled to have his siblings there, to finally meet them for a ‘normal’ breakfast, to spend some quality time with them… But none of this seems normal; they only are here because he just got home and because they missed him. They are only here because he spent the last past weeks in coma or in the psychiatric wing of an hospital. They are only here because he tried to end his life. Why else would they spend breakfast at Magnus’? They never do that.

Logically, he should be happy to have them so worried about him and to have miss him so much they’ll break their habits to have breakfast with him. But it doesn’t make him happy and he isn’t thrilled about it. And even though he knows he would do that too, he doesn’t want to be treated any different than he was before. He doesn’t want them to make him feel like his world revolves around his mental health issues. It’s something that scares him, more than anything.

He stands and put on the first clothes he finds in his drawer: boxers, grey sweatpants and the oversized green jumper Magnus gifted in their first month together. Magnus had begged Alec to go shopping with him and Alec had been too smitten to refuse, earning mockeries from his siblings. It hadn’t be as awful has he thought though and they had eat some burger and ice cream at Alec’s favourite place. The young man still doesn’t know how he hasn’t noticed Magnus buying him the jumper but it had been a nice surprise and he had laugh seeing that, fearing of taking a too short size, the Indonesian had bought the largest one. It had quickly become one of his favourite sweater and it now started to wear thin for how much he wears it but the fabric is still soft and comfortable. Alec still loves it. 

    The sudden silence when he enters the kitchen makes him feel uneasy and he frowns a little. 

 

    “Good morning ?” he says, unsure.

 

    Magnus smiles and turn around the counter to peck him on the lips and hand him his medicine.

 

    “Good morning. We were just waiting for you so we could make the pancakes. I hope you don't mind that I invited your siblings over.”

    “No, it's okay.” He answers, but doesn't know if he is telling the entire truth.

 

    Behind his boyfriend, Jace and Isabelle grin and wave. 

 

    “So, how was it to finally sleep in your bed?”

 

***

 

    Alec spent a good night and that's almost unfair to Jace. The blond man, though he understand his brother better know would've need his brother sleeping in the same apartment last night. And he knows he himself is being selfish and unfair as well but he can't help it. All the nightmares and restless nights… The strong pain that wont leave his chest even when Alec is just in front of him and he doesn't understand… How can everything touching his brother be so hard to accept now ?

    Izzy is so much better at this; she is talking actively and happily with Magnus and Alec, like it's a normal morning, like nothing happened.

    It used to be  _ his _ forte to pretend that everything was always fine, that nothing bad ever happened.

    Maybe it's because she is the most innocent one in this whole story; the only one who didn't attack Alec with words or anything. She is a victim, just like their brother. And she might still feel responsible because of the scalpels she has kept in her room but, deep down, Jace hopes she knows, that also, wasn't her doing. 

    Maybe it's because he still feels guilty for what he’d done to Alec the night he tried to kill himself.  All the blaming and all the screaming that shattered his brother enough for him to try to disappear.

    Of course, he knows it's not all his fault, that their parents are the main players in this tragedy, but it doesn't erase his own guilt. If anything, it only sooth him a little and for that, Jace again feels horrible. For his rage that day, he unknowingly sided with them.

 

    “Hey.” Alec calls gently sitting down next to him.

    “Hey.” He answers. 

    “I’d ask you if you're okay but…” Alec starts before sighing. “I'm sorry Jace.”

    “For what?”

 

    He doesn't mean to snap but he almost does and his brother winces before carrying on.

 

    “I know you wanted me to come back or to at least spend the night with you and Izzy.”

    “Al-” Jace tries to interrupt but Alec stops him, raising his hand.

    “I might be depressed.” He says and the blond is amazed by how his brother now accepts his condition. “But I'm not blind.”

    “Look, Alec, you are right but I'm not mad at you. I mean if I was in love with someone I would too want to spend my first time out of the hospital with them. This is something I can understand. But that doesn't mean I'm not sad and upset about it. I mean it's not like I'm having nightmare about your attempt and about Max every nights.” he explains bitterly.

    “And you think that me sleeping at the apartment would help with that?”

    “Maybe. I don't know.”

    “I wish I could, Jace, but I'm not ready to face this place again yet. But… We have guest rooms there, I can ask Magnus if you and Iz can sleep here if you-”

 

    Jace hugs him, not leaving him the time to finish his sentence.

    He isn't sure that it is what he really needs, but Alec is so genuinely trying to help, trying to fix everything that Jace is moved to his very core; for weeks he could barely recognise Alec by the way he was acting but there and now he can see it again: his brother is still his brother.

 

***

 

    “So what are we doing today?” Isabelle asks suddenly. “We could propose to Clary to go out with us and eat something at Taki’s and shop for a whil- wait no, Alec hates shopping.”

 

    Izzy wants -need- to spend the day with Alec and isn't about to take no as an answer. Whatever the price is, even if she must watch a crappy movie or go to the library or even staying home and watch Alec’s favourite show all day. She doesn't care, as long as she can have a somewhat normal day with her brother. 

    She bites her lips, a little embarrassed and impatient  as all eyes are suddenly on her.  She can see how Magnus is amused by the situation, his brows are shot up and he is resisting the urge to smile. Jace on the other hand shakes his head slightly, in an angry manner that makes her want to hit him as she knows he is the same as her and want to spend the day with the oldest lightwood sibling just as badly as she does. Alec is smiling, just like when he used to do when she was a little girl begging her big brother to buy her ice cream or a lollipop.

 

    “Actually,” he says. “There is this movie that has just been released in theaters. It's a British thriller happening during the seventeenth century. It seems quite good. I’d like to watch it.”

 

    Isabelle wishes she could squeal but she can only thanks her brother with her eyes. Alec has always been the one willingly bending to please and she knows he is doing it again right now. But she still can't help being excited about it.

 

    “Are you sure about it?” Jace asks, obviously worried.

    “Yeah, I think. I mean, I haven't been out in months, it can't do me any bad right ?”

    “If Alexander is certain, then let's see when are the afternoon projections. Come with me darling.”

 

    Magnus takes Alec’s hand and they both leave the room, leaving Jace and Izzy together. 

 

    “Asking him to go out? And inviting Clary?! Are you insane Iz?! He just came home!”

    “Jace, it's okay! Magnus will be there,  _ we _ will be there! And Alec doesn’t even hate Clary anymore. I'm sure they'll could be good friends if they both tried. And he can't stay inside forever anyway,  he was trapped in an hospital room for weeks already, he said it himself !”

 

    Jace doesn’t get it. She thought he did but he doesn't. Isabelle would never purposely do anything that could hurt their brother. And Alec could have say no; he had a choice. 

    Jace doesn't understand. She will accept anything from Alec right now and he is the one who choose to follow her wish to go out. He just adapted it for himself.

 

    “He could've say no. You know that.”

    “Oh come on Iz, we’re talking about Alec here, he never says no to you. You know that.”

 

    Her jaw and fists clench in frustration. Because Jace is right about Alec but he did seem happy talking about the movie they are going to watch.

 

    “Excuse me for trying. And excuse me for wanting to have a normal day without pitying us!” she yells.

 

    Isabelle almost wants to cry but she will not break now and she will not give this joy to her adoptive brother. She can do better. She is stronger than that.

 

    “What's happening?” Alec asks from behind.

    “Nothing. Jace here just think you are unable to hang out with us.”

    “What?”

    “That is  _ not _ what  I said Izzy.” Jace growls.

    “Well that's what it sounded like!”

    “First of all,” Alec says sharply. “I'm not made of sugar. And second of all, we’re going at three o’clock. Try not to murder each others until then.”

 

***

 

    Magnus can feel the tension emanating from his boyfriend as soon as the latter is back in their bedroom. He too heard the two youngest fighting and knows that this is something Alec doesn’t particularly like to deal with. Pressing his lips together, he invites Alec to sit near him and it’s with a grateful smile that he does. The older man then motions behind his boyfriend and gently starts to massage his shoulders immediately earning a sigh of pleasure.

    The Asian man must confess, he is quite proud of his massaging skills. He learnt when he was still with Imasu, a man from Peru, professional physical therapist and an amazing musician. Magnus was younger then and he fell for the charango player, hard. It didn’t last long though, Imasu grew tired of Magnus eccentricity, taking it as something immature and convincing himself that what Magnus had for him was nothing more than a fling. If only the Peruvian could see him now! In love, in a serious relationship for three years and still as eccentric as ever.

 

    “Your hands are  _ magical _ .” Alec moans leaning back a little.

    “So I’ve heard.” Magnus smiles. “Quite a lot from you and in different situations.”

 

    Alec snorts, letting himself slope completely against his boyfriend’s chest.

 

    “You’re the worst.”

    “ _ So I’ve heard _ .” Magnus repeats with a chuckle, wrapping his arms around his boyfriend.

 

    The moment is just so good, so  _ great _ , that Magnus realises all over again how much he has missed Alec. How much everything felt wrong before he was back home.

    He didn’t expect it, but he suddenly feels overwhelmed and as he let his head fall on the taller man’s back, he also let some tears escape his eyes.  

 

    “I missed this, so much.” He chokes out.

 

    Alec stiffens and tries to turn but Magnus just holds him tighter.

 

    “I’m sorry...”

    “I love you, Alexander.”

    “I love you too, Magnus.”

 

    It’s sappy and very cliché but at this moment, nothing feels more right than this.

 

    “Magnus?”

    “Yes Alexander?”

    “I’m not sure I want to go out anymore.”

    “Why is that darling?” Magnus asks genuinely curious and unable to hide the relief in his voice.

 

    It’s not that he worried about how Alec will face the world, it’s that he himself bears the irrational fear of something triggering Alec or being stress inducing. He trusts his boyfriend when he says he is fine with going outside and logically it might be normal, nothing in the street ever threaten him, he has no reasons to be scared or unready for it. Magnus is very aware that he is projecting his own fears on his boyfriend, he just can’t control it.

    “I’m tired, mostly, plus, it’s worrying Jace; he doesn’t think I’m ready. Also, you are really, really comfortable and we can’t cuddle in theater.”

    “You know what love? I have a fantastic idea.”

 

***

 

Alec isn’t sure that a pyjama party, even for an Harry Potter marathon, is supposed to start before lunch. Not that he ever really had one before. The only things he is sure about is that they all involve take outs, junk-food, candies and hot chocolate.

Magnus idea has make everyone agreeing and Alec even gets to wear the Hufflepuff robe Magnus gifted him when they went to the Wizarding World of Harry Potter after buying a Ravenclaw one for himself. Alec holds back a laugh when he remembers Jace calling him out for that, insisting and claiming to everyone in the room that Magnus wasn’t a Ravenclaw but a Slytherin, just like Isabelle. The argument had last half an hour before they take the test on Pottermore, Magnus being unsurprisingly right and being unsurprisingly sorted into Ravenclaw but admitting that he does have a lot in common with Slytherin’s traits.

Alec will not lie; he is feeling like a little boy again, snuggled against his boyfriend with his robe covering the most comfortable pyjamas he owns. But with his mouth full of pizza, seeing all the mattresses of the apartment scattered on the floor, surrounded by the ones he loves the most with Harry Potter playing on Magnus’ gigantic television, he wouldn’t have it any other way. 

He had doubts this morning but maybe this first day out of the hospital isn’t so bad, after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I thought writing Alec's first day after being released from hospital and describe more or less how everyone feels about that could be a good idea to make a filler chapter.  
> I think it's very complicated to know what's good for the person who comes back and their loved one. No one really know what to do.  
> Jace and Alec needed some bonding time.  
> As much as Alec wanted it, it takes time to be ready to face the outside world after so long and especially after trying to kill yourself.  
> The will to please can be really strong, but don't let it blind you and do something that might be toxic to you!
> 
>  
> 
> I wish you all a great day/weekend/week,
> 
> until next time..


	15. Don't Look at Me Like That

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone !!!  
> Long chapter and a little in advance !!!  
> I'm sorry about last week and I really might have to poste every two weeks. My studies take a lot of time and I can't write as often as I used to.  
> However, things are starting to get better and I'm slowly getting used to living alone :)
> 
> I hope you will enjoy this chapter <3

  He’s been home for two weeks now and no one talks about it anymore. No one asks. It's like Alec never tried to end his life, almost; there still is the medication that sometimes blurs almost all of his emotions but that he must takes every day. There still are the ugly scars forming on his wrists and forearms, thin white lines on his already pale skin. There still is the fact that he moved in with Magnus. There still is the worry in their eyes. There still is the carefulness in their words, in their voice. There still is the constant, frustrating watching, the infuriating surveillance. There isn't a minute where he is not all by himself. There isn't a second where he is not alone in an apartment.

  Magnus has hid the alcohol and the pharmacy. He has put away the knives from the kitchen and the razors from the bathroom. Alec must asks when he needs something sharp. And it's exactly the same when he comes to his siblings’ apartment. Everything is hidden and Isabelle’s room is locked. Alec feels like a prisoner in his own homes. He wants to scream at them, he wants to be angry, but he knows why they do that. He knows he would do the exact same thing. He knows they are scared. He knows what the therapist said. He knows. He knows. He knows but that doesn't mean it makes it more bearable. Because it doesn't.

  He doesn't meet with the therapist he had at the hospital anymore but with one of her colleagues, Mrs Collins. It was hard at first, but he now trusts her the same. Alec likes her and Magnus says he's lucky: not everyone find a therapist suiting their needs easily, it took five appointments for Magnus and three for Isabelle. All with a different therapist. Jace is still trying to find the strength to call one; it angers Izzy but Alec understands. It's hard to accept you need to see one without thinking that it makes you weak that it makes you a sick, crazy person.

  The bedroom’s door opens, tearing Alec away from his thoughts. 

 

  “Well, hello sleepyhead.” Magnus says with a light smirk before joining his side to kiss him good morning.

  “Is it late?” Alec asks frowning.

 

  He knows it is. The anti-depressants make him sleep. Quite a lot. He hates it.

 

  “Not that late, not even eleven.” Magnus smiles, gently stroking his hair. “Care for breakfast ? I made some waffles dough and the waffle machine is hot already.”

 

  Breakfast. Alec rarely takes one these days; he or sleeps too much, either is not hungry. But 10:30 seems the perfect time for one. And Magnus’ waffles are always amazing.

 

***

 

  If you think there is any greater feeling in the world than seeing the one you love devouring homemade blueberry waffles with pressed orange juice and smiling at you with a joyful twinkle in their eyes then you are probably wrong; Magnus will swear it to you. Because right now, Alec has his mouth full of waffle and his eyes are crinkled in some rare, gorgeous happiness as he is listening to Magnus’ silly work related stories and how Raphael’s obsession with suits is making Tessa crazy when she tries to work on renaissance costumes. 

 

  “I'm glad your company works so well.” Alec says when he finishes swallowing. “You deserves it”

  “Why, thank you Alexander. I myself can tell I'm quite happy about it.”

  “How's the fashion line you are making doing? I… I know I might have hold you back…”

  “You haven't. I swear to you darling you haven't. You have no idea of the numbers of clothing I made thinking of how it would suit you.”

 

  Alec puts his head down a little, red flaring at his cheeks.

 

  “Maybe I'll try some somedays…”

 

  Magnus beams at that. He can already make a selection of shirt and jackets he would make Alec try. Nothing to crazy so it still suit his tastes and personality. That grey shirt with golden details at the bottom of the sleeves with the burgundy jacket and grey pants. Maybe some formal shoes with that. Or that deep blue denim shirt, with silver detailed arrows crossing on the left side pocket, that would hug his arms to perfection with black tight jeans and combats boots. Alec would look delightful. And why not this comfortable ensemble with the beige turtleneck with a slightly loose jeans… How adorable would that be? 

 

  “Okay Magnus stop daydreaming.” Alec laughs.

 

  Magnus sticks his tongue out at his boyfriend and winks when the latter rolls his eyes.

 

  “What if I like daydreaming about how to dress and undress you?” He asks teasingly, pleased when he can see Alec blush.

  “You’re a lost cause.”

  “You like that.”

  “Do I?”

 

  Shaking his head, Magnus lets out a laugh. It's good to see Alec so carefree and he wishes it would happen more often. He reaches for Alec’s hand and kisses his knuckles. Alec freezes, teasing grin still playing on his lips.

 

  “Ragnor is coming for dinner tomorrow, is that okay with you?”

  “Yeah, sounds great, I like Ragnor.”

  “I know, you two are always ending up ganging up on me and mocking my most embarrassing stories.” Magnus replies with an overly dramatic sigh.

  “You have the best embarrassing stories, that's why.”

  “I have the best stories, period.”

 

  Alec rolls his eyes again, still grinning, and again, it feels amazing.

 

  “I love you” Magnus says.

 

  Something switches on his boyfriend's face and tease changes for fondness.

 

  “I love you too.”

 

***

 

  Alec, Jace realises, hasn’t really lived with them for a long time. For about a year now he has spent all his nights at Magnus’. Izzy was right, it is only natural that he has moved in. But it's still weird, not having Alec bursting in the apartment because he doesn't have the good shirt or the good  pants. To not have only him for dinner before he goes knocking at Magnus’ door. He misses all of this. He misses his brother and thought they still are close when they are together, Jace hates the fact that he is more babysitting than spending quality time. But he’d rather babysit than letting Alec alone. The last time he did that… 

  Jace sighs as he sits on the kitchen’s chair. He ordered Chinese for Clary, Isabelle and he’s lunch. But the girls are late and he is hungry. 

  What is this feeling that everything is going out of his hands?

  Why does it feel like everything is out of place and yet completely in order?

  He sighs again and reach for the paper at the center of the table. The one with all the therapist's numbers Ragnor gave them. Maybe… Maybe he should give it a try; Alec is doing better, Magnus is doing better, Isabelle is doing better… Maybe he should give it a try. 

  He takes his phone but looks blankly at the screen. Taking a deep breath to give himself some strength, he starts composing the first number of the list.

  He isn't even halfway when he hears the door opening. He startles and closes the phone's window before he puts it with the paper on the pocket of his jeans.

  Maybe later.

  Izzy and Clary arrive in the kitchen, drowning it with laugher and Jace feels out of place. Isabelle kisses his cheek and they sit at the table taking their food and continuing talking happily. Jace can’t bring himself to join them.

  Maybe he really should call, give it a try.

  He suddenly wishes Clary wasn't here right now, so he could talk freely with his sister. He wishes so many things, too many and wonders how he ever dare thinking life could be easy. He suddenly sees how hard he all his life tried to bury the negatives feelings, persuaded it would make him weak, how strong he always act, how strong he was and isn’t anymore. All because of Alec sudden desire to die. All because of the fear he has felt the second he has thought he was losing the one person who has always understand him, the one person he loves more than anyone. His best friend, his brother.

  He has to wait dinner to talk with his sister, because luckily, Clary doesn't tag along.

 

  “Can we reserve dinner for family?” He asks taking a bit of his pizza. “I like Clary but… I’d like some private time with you and with Alec and you.”

  “Alright.” Isabelle answers with an understanding smile.

  “And… I think,  _ maybe _ ,” He says stressing the maybe, “Maybe you are right and we should start looking for another apartment.”

  “Really?!” Isabelle exclaims, a wide grin spreading on her face. “Are you serious ? I hope you are because I already started searching and I made a little selection of apartments that aren't too far from this one and look amazing!”

  “Yeah, Iz, I’m serious.” Jace answers with a little chuckle. “I mean, I can't bear looking at the corridor anymore and none of us are using the bathroom that much, not when we can avoid it. So… And I guess the parents will be happy if we say we're not living with Alec anymore…” Jace explains, grimacing when talking about Maryse and Robert.

  “I’m glad you’ve decided to take care of yourself.”

 

  Jace opens his mouth to argue but Isabelle smiles and put her hand on his arm. There is no point in protesting; his sister has always been one of the most supporting person he ever had the chance to meet. And she can read people like she can read a book. She is incredible.

  Maybe he can tell her about the therapist. 

 

  “Can I ask you something ?” He asks again after a moment of silence.

  “Of course, what is it?”

  “I'm… I'm going to call… A therapist. I’m going to call a therapist. Would you-Would you mind being with me when I do it?”

  “I'll be by your side whenever you're ready.” She replies so softly, so gently, Jace thinks he might melt.

 

  And the days pass, with more lunch with Clary and Isabelle and more talks with his sister at night. And one or two calls. And one or two appointments. And less surveillance of his brother. And less worries though it doesn't entirely disappears, they all still are stressed when they leave Alec alone and they still hide alcohol and sharps objects and Isabelle’s room is still locked. And some more appointments. And some more talking. And finally, finally he understands; seeing a therapist doesn't make you weak, it doesn't make you crazy; it helps you to be strong again.

 

***

 

  “You want to try to go to college again?” Magnus asks incredulously.

 

  Alec shifts on his feet. He has been thinking about it a lot lately; he knows he has missed more than a month and he hates his studies but… He can't bear not doing anything anymore. It frustrates him. It's not an easy decision and he is pretty late now but he can always ask someone of his promotion to give him the classes they had when he wasn’t here. He knows Raj has always tried to be his friend, for some weird reasons, he even gave him his number already, maybe he’ll agree on helping him out? 

 

  “Are you sure ?” Magnus asks again, frowning.

  “I can't stay home all day anymore. I need to keep my mind busy.”

  “But- I can buy you more books or you can go to the library! Why going back to college when it never helped you get better?”

  “I still need to graduate Magnus…”

 

  Magnus closes his eyes for a few seconds, seemingly thinking about what Alec just said. When he opens them again, he offers his boyfriend a small smile.

 

  “Okay, okay I understand. When will you start?”

  “Tomorrow, I think.”

  “I'll drive you.”

  “No, it’s okay… Magnus, I can do this on my own, and you have an appointment with an important potential client tomorrow morning, you’ll be late if you drive me and you said it yourself, it would be the first  _ really _ important client, you can't afford being late.”

 

  Magnus sighs and Alec almost feels guilty for worrying him and rejecting his help, his boyfriend deserves better. But he needs to do that, for himself. The therapist told him herself: the fight is his to win.

 

  “Did you tell Mrs Collins about this?”

  “She talked me into it actually.”

  “Did she now?”

  “Magnus, if this was bad for me she wouldn’t have tell me to try, you know that right?”

  “Of course.” Magnus scoffs. “Because she obviously saw the effect of that stupid university on you!”

  “Magnus, please, I know you are worried but let's not fight about it, yeah? I’ll be fine…” He says taking Magnus’ hands into his. “I don't even need to be watched all the time anymore, Mrs Collins said I am no danger to myself.”

  “I know what she said but Alec… I'm still afraid and I can't help it. Every time I'm away from you and my phone rings I for an instant live again the moment Jace called me to…” He trails off but Alec knows what he wanted to say.

 

  He wishes he had the words to ease his boyfriend's mind. To calm his worries down. To make Magnus trusting him again. But he is tired, so tired of having to prove himself, to have everyone looking at him like he is some fragile little thing. He is so tired of being watched, every time he isn't alone, like he is going to jump out of a window or on the road without warnings. But there is no way he can explain it, no way he can tell it, without hurting any of them.

 

  “I’m sorry.” He says. Because what else there is to say?

  “Don't be. Just… Promise me you’ll come to me of anything goes wrong. I don't care that I'm working or am on a break. You are more important. You are the most important. You hear me? And you will never, ever bother me.”

  “You really are one for declarations.” Alec smiles, cupping Magnus’s face between his hands. “And I will come to you if things get too bad.” He says.

 

  But he does not promise.

 

***

 

  There are things one can never forget. Even with time. They stay here, holding onto people's back, hiding at the back of the mind, showing themselves whenever they want to, not caring for the moment and whether it is a good time or not. Sometimes happy and sweet, most of the time painful and cruel.

  Ever since Alec’s attempt, Magnus unforgettable memories are nagging at him, day and night, mostly at night, when he is asleep, where he is the most vulnerable and where nightmares are hunting their preys, attacking them without any mercy, sinking their poisonous teeth into their victim’s brain.

  Magnus is a little boy again, back in Indonesia. The hot weather wetting his face with sweat, his shirt soaked on his back. But he doesn't care; he runs in the garden, carefree. It’s holidays and his father is gone to work. He is alone with his mother, not scared of being beaten and screamed at. His father comes home tomorrow, if they are lucky, he will be too tired to get drunk, too tired to care about them.

  Magnus is a little boy again, back in Indonesia, playing with dirt and sticks and stones and from the back of his garden, he looks at all the other little kids, playing together near the beach. How much he wants to join them! How much he wants to play with them! How much he wants to make sand castles too! How much he wants to laugh with them!

  Magnus is a little boy again, back in Indonesia, and he calls for his mother because maybe, maybe, now that his father his away, she'll agree for them to go to the beach. Maybe she'll play with him and maybe they'll play with the other kids too and maybe, maybe, she will tell them some stories too. But she doesn't answer and he doesn't know yet that she will never again, that he will never again hear the sound of her voice.

  Magnus is a little boy again, back in Indonesia and he enters the house, taking carefully his shoes off. And he runs through the house still calling “Mama! Mama!” and she still doesn't answer. But it smells so good in the house, like pies and fruits and so he runs to the kitchen. Surely his mother his making something delicious, she always does.

  Magnus is a little boy again, back in Indonesia and there  _ is _ a pie on the kitchen’s table. But one of the chair has been kicked on the floor and there is something strange about it. 

  Magnus is a little boy again, back in Indonesia and his mother is floating, her neck attached to a rope. Tight, tight rope. And her eyes are open but she is not blinking. And there is tears on her cheeks. And Magnus doesn’t understand, can't understand, why his mother is floating and why she isn't blinking and why she isn't breathing and why she isn't alive.

  But Magnus is a grown up man again, still in Indonesia, remembering how he had to wait for his father to come back and still watching the body move and turn and turn and turn until it's not his mother anymore, until it's Alec. Hazel eyes opened, lifeless, accusing. Body limp. Body floating, a tight, tight rope around his neck. And his wrists are suddenly opening, and it's slow, so slow but so insanely brutal. And blood is dripping and dripping, pooling. And Magnus’ feet are suddenly wet, and red, so red, too red.

  And Magnus is back in his apartment, screaming in his bed. And Alec is next to him and so very much alive, watching him with love and worry. And his hands are on his cheeks, so warm, so gently wiping his tears and Magnus didn't even realised he was crying.

  Alec doesn't say anything, he doesn't ask, it happened already and he never asks about the scream and he never asks about the nightmare but always, he pull him into his arms, holding him tightly. And Magnus put his head on his chest and listen to his heart beat. Alec is alive, so alive, alive and with him, in their bed, in their home. And Alec’s gentle caresses lull him back to sleep.

  When his alarm rings, Magnus wants nothing more than calling sick, nightmare still clear in his mind, pictures still playing under his eyelids. But he can't skip work and Alec is taking his classes again today. His stomach turns uncomfortably at the thought. He is not feeling it. This is bad for Alec, he is sure about it, he knows it. This can't be good, this has never been good before.

 

***

 

  Everything is going to be fine; Alec got up in time and had breakfast with Magnus. And though his boyfriend hasn’t been his usual joyful self this morning, he still has made pancake, hasn't tried to talk him out from going back to college and they even have shared some delightful kisses.

  Alec decides to put Magnus’ gloomy mood of the account of the important client he must meet today and the nightmare the latter had last night. Because of him. Magnus regularly has nightmares now and Alec can't help but feeling guilty about it, if he hadn't tried to kill himself, Magnus wouldn't be suffering so much right now. Magnus who looks at him with such worry in his eyes right now, helping him reassembling the papers for his classes and even his lunch. The Indonesian’s hands are slightly shaking and Alec takes them into his.

 

  “Magnus.” He calls so his boyfriend looks at him. “It’s going to be okay with your client. You are perfect, you know that. And I'm going to be fine. I'll finish up around five, it's not even that late. And I'll make us dinner.”

  “I know.” Magnus smiles, but it doesn't reach his eyes. “And I’d like some of your delicious bolognese pasta.”

  “Pasta it will be then.”

 

  The second Alec steps outside, his bag on his back, he regrets his decision. His heart beats too fast, his respiration quickens and he wishes he never talked about it in the first place. But he still wants to try. One step, two steps, three steps. All becoming heavier one after the other. Four steps, five steps, six steps. All remembering him all the reasons he hates going there. Seven, eight, nine steps.  All remembering him his parents’ pressure and his will to please them. Ten steps, eleven, twelve, thirteen, fourteen fifteen steps. All remembering him his parents words and hatred.

  ‘It was a mistake’, he thinks as he takes the metro leading to his college's opposite side. ‘ _ It was a mistake _ .’

  In the end Alec does what Magnus advised him to do, he goes to the library. But he doesn't text his boyfriend to tell him. He doesn't want to tell him how much of a coward he his and he doesn't want to give him reason. He can almost feel the humiliation tickling the nape of his neck.

  Magnus doesn't need to know.

  He spends his day here, looking carefully at the time, just to be sure he gets home when he is supposed to. And he makes some groceries, to be sure he has everything he needs for the bolognese pasta his boyfriend asked for.

  Magnus doesn't need to know.

  He feels guilty about the lie he is going to tell, he hates lying to Magnus. But he doesn't have a choice, he can't show Magnus how weak he still is when he tried to be so strong. He doesn't want his boyfriend to see the failure he is, again. He doesn't want his boyfriend to be ashamed. He wants him to be proud.

  Magnus doesn’t need to know.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jace is making a step !!!!  
> I'm not saying he will get better with Alec any time soon but he certainly is going to try. Jace has a long way to do to get by his own depression and issues. Please don't be too hard on him, he's making mistakes but he really is trying!  
> I regularly have nightmares about my past, where I relive some moments and where only few details change. It's part of my PTSD, I guess. That is why we get an insight on Magnus' like that.  
> When I first tried to go back to college after few months... I didn't make it. I wanted to do just like Alec does there: to not tell anyone and hide until it's time I'm supposed to be home. So no one knows that I couldn't make it. But I'm autistic and my social phobia was huge at the time. So I called my mum, crying and regretting, ashamed and humiliated.  
> I now understand that it's okay not to be ready, but Alec doesn't yet, please forgive him for not calling anyone.
> 
> I'm quite proud of my description of Magnus' nightmare so I truly hope that you liked it as well!
> 
> I wish you a good day/weekend/week <3


	16. Exclusionary Detailing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone!!!  
> I hope everyone is fine and I'm sorry I can't keep up the every week chapter rythm so far  
> My studies are awesome but are taking a lot of my free time as well... The only advantage for you guys is that I can make longer chapters, somehow.  
> This chapter might be the longest so far. I had some inspiration pics and hope it will continue this way (but I kinda doubt it since I still haven't (and can't!!!) write a word of the next chapter TT)
> 
> I hope you will all enjoy this chapter, happy reading !!!

    It smells like beef, tomatoes, garlic and aromatic herbs in the apartment when Magnus comes home.

    Alec doesn’t cook often, but when he does, it's always delicious. He says it's because Isabelle is an awful cook so he had to learn before she poisons everyone. But Magnus knows it's mainly because he enjoys it. He can see the look on Alec’s face every time he’s cooking something, the way he treats the ingredients, like they are somehow precious and the way he cuts them, with so much precision, the exact same precision he uses when he shoots his arrows. It relaxes him, it makes him happy.

    A smile on his face, Magnus joins the kitchen, stretching his neck on the process. The day has been long, stressful and though nonetheless great but the Indonesian man feels a great relief on being home again. He wants nothing more but the nice dinner Alec promised, a good hot bath and cuddling in bed while watching a stupid show with his boyfriend.

    Alec has his back to him. He his wearing his favourite green sweatshirt the one with some tiny holes in it that used to make Magnus scream internally and an old pair of pale ripped sweatpants. He wears only one of his sleepers and his feet are bare. Magnus guesses he changed his clothes, when he got home, to something more comfortable than when he went to college this morning.

    Right. College.

    Magnus holds back a sigh and silently approaches the tall man cooking before slipping his arms around him.

 

    “Good evening Love.” He says placing a kiss on his neck. “How was your day? Learnt anything interesting?”

    “Quite good and… Not really.” Alec answers, turning around with a smile. “Yours? Did it go well with your potential client?”

    “It did! I think we’ll receive a positive call in a few days. But I'll tell you more during dinner, which smells awfully good I might add.”

 

    Alec is grinning now, and it has been so long that he didn't smile like that Magnus thinks his heart might explode. Because Alec tells him that sometimes he feels like emotions are blurred and that he can't bring himself to be fully happy or fully sad or fully anything. But it doesn't seem to be the case tonight or if it is, then his boyfriend must really be too happy for his body to take anyway. Alec takes the wooden spoon out of the pan and presents it to Magnus who puts it in his mouth, moaning at the taste, maybe exaggerating just a little bit to tease his boyfriend whose eyes are shining with pride and content, reminding Magnus of the first time Alec cooked for him; the nervousness and the relief and the fear of not being manly enough for being able to cook and all the stories of his sister’s dramatic attempts at cooking.

    The sauce tastes like Provence and Italy, like sun and fresh Mediterranean wind. It taste like holidays and Magnus’ best European trip with Ragnor and Catarina and all the places where he promised himself to take Alec, one day. It tastes like memories, old ones, future's ones and it tastes like love.

 

    “Well, it tastes even better than it smells. But do you know how it will taste even better?” Magnus asks with a seductive voice.

 

    Alec arches his brow in a fake questionnement and Magnus chuckles a little. He then takes some more of the sauce and kisses his boyfriend, earning a small, adorable gasp followed by a delighted laugh.

    Maybe he was wrong worrying about Alec returning to college. Maybe it is a good thing. Alec seems to have had a great day. He seems happy. Happier than he was the last few months and the last few days. And there is nothing more Magnus could ask for.

    All too fast, Alec is turning the gas of and kissing him again, still smiling, still laughing, still happy, _perfect_.

 

***

 

    Just like Jace predicted, Maryse and Robert, though highly disapproving Alec living with Magnus, have been all but too keen on agreeing for them to move out as well and being away from the eldest brother. Every time she thinks about it, her blood boils in anger and she feels the urge to punch something. Or someone. And she still doesn't understand how her parents can hate their own son so much. How her parents can be so unfair and how they can for his sexuality rejecting their own flesh and blood. And not just her parents, any parents. It seems impossible to her to stop loving someone, to stop loving your own children over his sexual and romantic education.

    When Alec still was at hospital he had taken his hand and had made her swear not to tell her relationship with Clary to their parents. Not now, not yet, maybe not ever. ‘It’s too dangerous’ He had say. And at this instant, she hadn't understand. She still didn't know they had tell him to die.

    They are moving in their new apartment in a few day and Izzy has never been more ready. It has been hard to find the good one. The one that isn't too far from Alec and close enough to both Jace and her’s college. And somewhere that feels good enough to be in. And somewhere just as much practical. Clary had told her it would be great for them if she moves close to her and her cousin's home, but Isabelle was not so sure. Things have changed between her and Clary, somehow. The little cloud they’ve been walking on has fade away and their honeymoon phase is slowly dying. Maybe that is why she doesn't want to leave too close to Clary for the moment, she doesn't want to lose what they have. But they are still going strong, Isabelle believes, they just don't need to be together all the time. She also wants to stay near Alec and she knows Jace too. They are not ready to turn the page yet. Sure, things are getting better but… It’s not that easy to be away from their brother. What if he feels like they are abandoning him again? What if he needs them? What if he has a huge fight with Magnus and they are not there to protect him from any harm… from himself? What if he tries again and this time there is no one to walk on him? To save him?

    Taking a deep breath, she tries to chase the hurtful thoughts and memories. ‘ _Don’t think about it._ ’ She thinks to herself. ‘ _Alec is doing just fine. He’s even going back to college._ ’

    Even Jace is doing better now that he finally sees a therapist; his anger issues have reduced, he is calmer and has less nightmares. He learns methods on how to calm himself when he feels on edge and she is sure he feels lighter than ever. She knows he has a lot to work on, like how he went through his biological parents’ and their little brother death. And how he lived Alec’s suicide attempt and how scared he was about the latter moving out and the unspoken fear of being abandoned. The one Isabelle and Alec always saw but Jace always ignored. Maybe he can see it clearer now, maybe he can heal too. Because Lydia is right, Alec isn't the only one living with so much pain inside of him. He isn't.

    She cancelled today's lunch with Clary yesterday, hoping her beautiful girlfriend will not be too disappointed about it. But as she told her, she needs to work on her forensic science and technology presentation. It's a quite big exam and she can't afford to fail it. And with everything that's been happening… She haven't had much time to work on it. Thankfully, Maïa is her partner and has been her the greatest help; she has work on the project by herself a lot, discussing her researches and conclusions with Isabelle every day and she has been one her greatest source of support as well, always present, in class or by texts, always there, always listening. So when Maïa has talked about her lunch with her boyfriend, Isabelle has assured she will do all the work by herself today. She owes her _at least_ that.

 

***

 

    It gets easier to lie, or to be exact, to not tell the truth nor correct the assumptions that are made about him and what he does during the day; to let people assume that he goes to college when really he doesn't. He leaves on the morning and refuses every single ride Magnus offers him, trying to ignore the pang of guilt that hit him in the throat when his boyfriend's smile falters. He leaves in the morning and every single time he takes the metro going on his college's opposite side.

    He goes to the library or he goes to the archery club downtown, usually, he does both. He reads for hours and he shoots arrow just the same.

    It was complicated at first, to get use to a bow that is not his, to shoot again at all. It had been months. But now he is as good as he used to be. Hitting the center of his shooting target more often than not.

    It's just routine after a while; leaving in the morning, refusing the ride, library, archery, going back home before Magnus, vaguely answering any question about college.

    But it’s okay, he thinks. He’s doing fine, he’s doing better.

    The arrow flies and he feels it brushing his cheeks with a familiar, soothing tingle. It hits the aim with an audible tuck and Alec smiles slightly with pride. One day, he’ll tell the truth to Magnus and his siblings and he will bring them here. Maybe they will let him teach them. He’d like that really, teaching them archery, even just a little, even just enough to hit the target, not necessarily the center, though he knows Magnus would surely not stop until he does, but hit it anyway. He laughs a little thinking of Jace trying and failing and getting pissed at the bow. He has no doubt Isabelle will be the fastest learner. He hopes she doesn't bring Clary. He doesn't hate her, but she isn't his favourite person in the world. Maybe he could invite Cat and Ragnor as well, but not Raphael and not Will; one is too moody, the other too arrogant, even worse than Jace. But he wouldn't mind Tessa or Jem.

    He shoots another one without clearing his head first. It flies and hits a little farther from the other one. The circle just before the center. Alec huffs. But the kid next to him, with a bow way to big for him and his father by his side, gasps in awe. He is blonde but almost ginger, he is pale a little too thin and freckles are all over his face, or almost. His eyes are almost black, a little small, cute but fierce and determinate, piercing. Looking away from Alec who is still staring. He takes his own bow and a new arrow. His aiming is great but his stance isn't and he misses the target and a small grimace is now on his adorable childish face. And Alec wants to help.

 

    “May I?” He shyly proposes, looking at the father, waiting for him to nod.

 

    For an instant, he remembers his own father taking him for the first time to the archery club. And the time his parents gifted him his very first bow and quiver. And the day his father put targets in the back of the garden. Maybe once, long ago, Maryse and Robert had love him.

 

    “Sure, go ahead.” The father answers with a smile that accentuates the numerous wrinkles on his eyes. “The first class is tomorrow but he couldn't wait so…”

    “Hey kiddo,” Alec calls gently to the young boy; he already stopped listening to the man.

 

    It’s like being with Max again. Showing the stance, correcting it, approving it, and repeat. The boy is grinning at him when for the first time he hits the target.

 

    “I did it!!! Look dad I did it!!!” He yells and then turns to Alec. “Thank you so much sir!” He excitedly says and Alec smiles right back at him, eyes shining. “Hey sir, how did you get those ?” The boy suddenly asks staring curiously at Alec’s wrists.

 

    He follows his eyes, and Alec forgets how to breathe. He forgets how to breathe and why he was happy just a few seconds ago. Regret and shame are overflowing him and he wants to flee. But he can't run, he can't flee; that would be impolite and the boy is still looking expectantly at him. He wants to disappear, he wants to be gone.

 

 _And he still can't breathe_.

 

***

 

    Magnus has planned everything; tonight is Friday night and Friday night is date night. He will pick up Alec from college, to surprise him, and they will go to the theatre to watch this movie Alec won't shut his mouth about and they will then go to their favourite Ethiopian restaurant. It’s going to be perfect. Magnus is already impatient.

    They haven't have a real date night outside of their apartment since Alec moved in. But now, the young man is doing great, better than Magnus expected. He seems to be alive again and Magnus must be honest, he has rarely seen Alec doing so well before. It's sad, he realises, but how wonderful and relieving! Sure, he claims that the medication is dulling his emotions but Alec hasn't had any break down nor insomnia in a while and he has never smiled so much before.

 

    “Would you mind taking that smug smile out of your face and start listening instead?” Raphael groans, annoyed. “We have to set the budget for next month before you go, remember?”

    “Yes Raphael, I do remember. We’ll have to set it higher so we can start working on the new fashion line project. If everything goes well it could be a huge push up for our company. Maybe we'll even have to hire!”

    “And now, you’re daydreaming.” Tessa teases.

    “Am I really though?”

 

    Both of his colleagues and friends shake their head and Magnus laughs; they don't believe him for now but he is sure, one day, they’ll be famous and they'll be rich. And they will see how right he was. How right he is.

    The rest of their monthly meeting goes smoothly; they plan the budget and make everyone's the schedules. They look at their projects, mutual and individual, and try to determine as best how they will share the work. By the end of the afternoon, Magnus is both exhausted and excited. And if he is too tired, he will sleep during the movie and let Alec scowling about it while he summaries excitedly what happened when he dosed off.

    He is humming some Queen’s song as he takes his car and turns the engine on. He can't wait to see Alec’s face when he’ll see him in front of the university.

    But Alec isn't here.

    Magnus has been waiting for almost twenty minutes now.

    But Alec isn't here.

    He has seen some of Alec’s classmate leaving and even Raj, the boy who annoyingly will not leave his boyfriend's side.

    But Alec isn't here and the reality starts to sink in, making Magnus’ stomach drop.

 

The fear that Alec ran away.

The fear that Alec had a meltdown.

The fear that Alec broke. Again.

The fear that Alec did something. Again.

Something bad.

 

    Something that will leave Magnus alone. Again.

    He tries to not let the panic rise, he really does. But Alec isn't answering the phone and he isn't answering his texts and Magnus doesn’t dare calling his boyfriend’s siblings because he is so very afraid of what they might tell him and this can't be happening.

    But Alec _isn't here_ and Magnus, out of worry and fear and an uncontrollable, _breathtaking_ , painful panic, feels like crying.

    His eyes are wet and he is shaking when he tries to call Alec again. And questions are swimming in his head, drowning him.

 

Where is Alec?

Is he okay?

Is he fine?

_Is he alive?_

 

    “Please, _please_ pick up.” He whispers.

 

    But Alec doesn’t answer.

    And Magnus sobs.

 

***

 

    Alec is angry. Angry at himself and angry at the world. He can’t believe he almost lose control, that despite all his medicine, he almost had a new panic attack. He shouldn’t have been surprised, after all, his scars were on full exposition and children… Children see everything. They are attentive to every little details and aren’t scared of asking questions. Children are the most curious creatures, Alec knows. He remember seeing Isabelle trying to eat whatever that was on her path when she was just a baby, and how Max was questioning about anything and everything. And how curious his sister was about what he had been doing when he wasn’t on the same room as her, and how she was always asking questions to the doctor. And how Max was always trying to understand the world around him and how he always had want to read. He remember Jace asking the nanny why she did not have kids of her own and Max asking an old man in the street why he wasn’t happy. He remembers Isabelle asking every single nurse and doctor if they had seen dead people, the day Max was born. Children ask questions. They blurt them out without thinking about the consequences it might have, so sincere and so blunt. And this is just so fair that it isn’t.  

    Alec shoots another arrow, and another, and another and none of them touch the target. And the frustration is so immense Alec thinks he might just as well combust right where he stands. Burst into an angry, painful, red fire.

    When he is out of arrow, he closes his eyes and breathe. Counts to five. Breathe again. Opens his eyes.

    Alec sighs, feeling exhausted all of sudden and slowly picks up the arrows he planted on the field before checking his phone, to see the time, to be sure he is home before Magnus.

 

_12 missed calls_

_7 texts._

_3 vocal messages_

 

    All from Magnus.

 

    _‘Hey Alec, did you leave college early? I came to pick you up.’_

_‘Alec where are you?’_

_‘Alexander, pick up the phone please.’_

_‘Alexander are you okay?’_

_‘Did something happen?’_

_‘I’m worried, please, answer’_

_‘Alexander?’_

 

    “Shit. Shit, shit, shit.” Alec says to himself as he throws his phone on his bag and hurries out of the stadium, not losing anytime listening to the vocal messages; he can’t bring himself to it, he doesn’t want to hear Magnus’ voice crack as he begs him to answer, he doesn’t want to hear his boyfriend’s broken voice as he begs him to come home.

 

    Maybe he should call, or text, but he doesn’t want to explain himself over the phone. It seems too complicated, too overwhelming. He doesn’t know how Magnus feels right now, if worry has already become anger or if his boyfriend is completely distraught.

    Everything seems too slow; the way he runs, the way the taxi drives, the traffic lights, the time itself… Everything is desperately, cruelly slow.

    And Magnus, God, Alec hopes Magnus is home. Because he doesn’t want to admit the lie by omission he told everyone over the phone. He doesn’t want Magnus to hang up on him. He wants to have a chance to explain, to really explain. He wants Magnus to understand how scared he was and how humiliated he felt about not being able to do this simple thing that is going to college. That it was an honest lie. He hopes at least, it was one.

    He gives way to much money to the taxi driver when they finally arrive. He never stops running; on the street, over the stair, until he finally reaches the door.

    His hands are trembling and he his panting when he finally put his keys in the lock. He slowly pushes the door and never has it seem so heavy.

    Alec finds his boyfriend in the living room and the older man doesn’t seem to have hear him come in. Magnus is sitting on their couch, head on his hands and elbows on thighs. His eyes are fixing the phone that his laying on the table in front of him and Alec can already see the smudge makeup around them.

    He could swear he hears his heart breaking, shattering. He is sure it is making a sound, like a crystal glass falling and exploding on the floor.

 

    “Magnus.” He calls, as gently as possible, his own voice cracking a little.

 

    Magnus’ head jerks up and his lips part as a million of emotions shift on his face; awe, relief, anger… Love. They seem to be dancing on the Asian’s traits.

 

    “Magnus, I’m sorry.” Alec says taking a few steps closer and Magnus suddenly gets up. His body is shaking like a leaf.

    “Where were you?! Do you have _any_ idea how worried I was?!” Magnus asks his voice wavering. “Of what I thought?!”

    “Magnus…”

    “I thought you did it again Alexander!” he explodes. “I thought you left me!” He adds tears starting rolling down his cheeks. “I thought- I thought- … I thought you were-”

    “No!” Alec nearly yells. “I didn’t! I’m not- I wasn’t! I wasn’t doing this...”

 

 _Not to you, not now, not yet, not ever again_ , he wants to say, but the words are left at the back of his throat. So he pulls Magnus against him, wrapping him with his arms, strong and loving and sorry. So strong and so sorry and so loving.

 

    “Where were you?” Magnus weakly asks, tension leaving his body, letting him tired, almost limp in Alec’s arms.

    “Archery.” Alec sighs. “I… I’m sorry. I never went back to college.” He confesses and Magnus pulls away a little to face him. “I couldn’t and… I was so ashamed I couldn’t bring myself to tell you. So I just… I didn’t say anything. I went to the library, and to the shooting field. I busied myself and… But I didn’t want to lie to you, I just… I felt so weak and I didn’t want to disappoint you.”

    “Oh _baby_ ,” Magnus answers, with the saddest smile on his face. He then cups his boyfriend’s face, his warm hands feeling so cold against Alec’s ashamed cheeks, and bring their forehead together. “You could never disappoint me, not over such things.”

 

    Alec closes his eyes, leaning on the feel of Magnus’ touch. He knows this conversation is not over, that his boyfriend is still upset yet too relieved to really let his anger out, but Magnus’ lips are now pressed, unexpectedly strong, against his and he can not think about anything but how good this feels and how right this is.

 

***

 

    “You know we’ll _have_ to talk about this right? To tell it to your siblings.”

 

    Alec looks up and though Magnus could see that Alec knows what he was talking about, Alec looks at him like he doesn't.

    They are on the couch, the younger man lying, his head resting on the older’s lap. The date night is long forgotten. And they are looking at each others with both love and sadness, and so much more. Magnus is slowly caressing his boyfriend’s hair and he could swear his hand are still shaking from earlier fear.

    Magnus is upset, but he isn’t angry, not as he thought he would be. Maybe, he thinks, it’s because he understand how his boyfriend’s mind works and which are the conclusions he came up to when he first stepped away from going back to college. Or maybe it is because he is so relieved that Alec is there and wasn’t actually trying to put an end to his day again that the anger is lessened. He doesn’t really wants to know anyway.

 

    “I know you never meant any harm, Alec, but even by omission a lie is still a lie.”

    “I’m so-”

    “I know, sweetheart, I know. And I also know that you wish we weren’t so much on your back. God knows I would hate having everyone surveilling me like that.”

    “But?”

    “But it’s still too soon for me to not know where you are and if you’re okay there.”

 

    Alec sighs, sitting up, gently pushing Magnus’ hand away and his frustration is palpable. The Indonesian gets it, he really does, but he can’t let it pass; he too, is frustrated, he too, wishes that things weren’t this way; that he wouldn’t have to worry every time Alec steps outside, that the urge to over protect his lover would disappear, that the need to never lose his boyfriend from his sight would vanish. That he would stop thinking about it.

 

    “I still have this wave of panic I told you before; every time my phone rings. Every, single, time. Even when you’re here near me.” He says softly.

    “Magn-”

    “I’m serious Alec. But you have to understand that even if we know it's hard for you, maybe harder than for anyone around you, it's hard for us to.”

    “I'm -”

    “Let me finish please.” Magnus cuts again, not unkindly, and waits for Alec to nod before continuing. “You remember when I talked to you about my mother? How she killed herself?” He watches as Alec tenses. “I was calling for her and searching for her in the house before I found her in the kitchen where she hung herself.” Magnus recalls, his voice cracking a little. “We just had spend some wonderful days because my father was away for business. But he was coming back the day after and she couldn't live with that. When I searched for you today, because I did, I couldn't not think about this time, about how I was searching for my Mama only to find her dead. Because just like I was looking so forward for my mother's pie, I was looking forward for our date.”

    “Magnus…”

    “I thought all those nightmares I have with both her and you were coming true and I couldn't… I can't live without you Alexander.”

 

    Magnus is pretty sure he is crying by now. Again. He looks up to see Alec’s firm and loving eyes on him and his mouth is open soundlessly just like when he can't find the right words. So just like he always does in those moments, Alec leans forward and embraces Magnus in his strong comforting arms. The silence is still heavy, almost too heavy to breathe. But Magnus feels lighter than ever.

 

    “Let's still have our date.”Alec suddenly whispers. “Not today, but tomorrow. Tonight we can just stay here and cuddle on the couch while we watch this show you like so much.”

 

    Magnus chuckles a little, because planning their date again and cuddling is definitely not the solution to everything that has been told and felt tonight but maybe, surely, it can make everything a little better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Moving on is hard and secrets can't be kept for long.  
> I think I stressed that kind of well in the chapter... But again, it's normal and every reaction they have can be understood. Magnus who already lost too much can't help but thinking the worst happened and honestly, I think it would have been the case for everyone, after what had happened. If someone you love attempt suicide, I don't think, not having any news of them or not finding them when you want to surprise them, like Magnus with Alec there, you can escape a panic attack. 
> 
> Communication is key! Even when it's hard and painful, in the end it helps. I find it very important for Alec and Magnus to talk, and it will be very important in the future to have Alec talk with his siblings as well.
> 
> Little things are sure making things better, no matter how small.
> 
> Here is an advice I want to share:  
> Moving forward is the hardest thing ever and sometimes you fall back, but you can always make it in the end, it can take long, it can be done on a short time, there is no rule, just the rythm that fits you. Don't be too hard on yourself even if it's not easy. To press yourself, the faster you want to go the harder you'll fall. Do what makes you feel good, if you don't feel ready to do or re-do something, then don't. It might be frustrating, but it's important that you learn to hear yourself and your needs.  
> I couldn't do it for far too long and fell so many times I lost count. It's hard to understand who you are and what your needs are, but it's not impossible.  
> Remember, no matter what is the feeling that you feel, it's a valid feeling, because you are feeling it and you are valid.  
> It's okay to be triggered and lose control, it's okay to be irrational. It's okay, I promise.
> 
> On another hand, I feel like this chapter is quite sappy but... Sometimes life gets sappy. Doesn't it? I've seen my parents being the sappiest couple in love so many times !!! (And they still are, tbh. The sappiest. They are the one giving me hope about love. after 31 years of being together they still are crazily in love with each others. It's tooth rotting I swear.)


	17. Shamed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there!  
> I'm so very sorry, but due to my working/studying (honestly it's the same because we have real projects, like, the website we are making are really going to be given to client (mine and my team's will be given to a small village's mayor)) is so very heavy that I'm not sure I'd be able to post in two weeks, I'll do my best but I can't promise.  
> This chapter is quite Jace/ Jace and Alec centered, but I found it needed, also, though I'm writting quite a lot of Malec, this isn't really a malec fic is it? It's all about depression and how hard but possible it is to get better.  
> Anyway, I hope you'll enjoy this chapter !!!

    Moving into a new home is weird and a little scary. It means changing everything that you were used to. All the habits you had before in that place you won't call home  anymore will disappear to let you have new ones. Distances will change. You will wake up earlier or later, maybe take a new bus or metro, have a different road for your car.

    Things don’t have a place yet and when they will… you will not remember it.

    Jace remembers the day he, Izzy and Alec moved in the apartment they are leaving now; how excited they were and how Alec and he decided to let Isabelle choose her bedroom first.

    There too, Jace lets his sister choose the bedroom she likes the most, watching her opening excitedly every empty rooms, filling the blonde’s head with memories.

    The new apartment, he must admits, is quite beautiful, luminous and practical. The only thing that worries him, really, is the huge kitchen Isabelle won't shut up about.

 

    “I’m taking the one with the balcony!” She screams for the room facing the bathroom.

 

    Jace smiles.

 

    “I knew it!” He yells back and Isabelle’s loud laughter fills their empty new home.

 

    Moving in a new home is exciting. It means novelty. It means starting again. It means new life. Of course nothing that has happened in the course of the last few months will change and if course it will not be forgotten but Jace hopes it will help him to see them with a new eye and that his relationship with his brother will find repair.

    They are both trying, obviously. Rationally, Jace knows that but sometimes it feels like he is the only one making efforts to put back the pieces that have been broken. But he also knows that he is probably being hypocritical about it. For far too long he has refused to see that Alec’s world wasn’t a nice place to live on and that it didn’t turn around him.

    Seeing a psychiatrist has been eyes opening, if Jace must be honest. He has learnt a lot about himself, he who thought he knew everything about his own mind. How being treated like the blond golden child, even though adopted, made a spoilt child of him.  How traumatism works and how  _ he _ is going through it. How all the things he used to be ashamed of, to keep secret or even afraid of are somehow linked to this; to the loss of his biological parents, Maryse and Robert’s toxic parenting, Max’s death and Alec’s suicide attempt.

    But none of this is his fault. None of this is his fault.

    Guilt is a weird concept. Jace never understood how Alec felt for what happened to Max until he feels the same for what happened to Alec.

 

***

 

    It’s one of these days where Alec can’t seem to feel anything but numb. He doesn’t understand how it works; why is there days where he is able to feel happiness and comfort and to feel normal, why is there still days where he feels so anxious and distraught and why there is day where everything is numb.   He doesn’t even know anymore if it’s the medicine or the depression but it’s always easier to tell himself that it is the anti-depressant because if it is maybe he can stop taking them and be alright again.

    He is supposed to help them. He knows that. They asked him to help. And he  _ is _ there, with them. But Alec doesn’t know what to do; he doesn’t know where to go and which packages to take and he watches his siblings, his boyfriend and their friends moving around him, not really sure of what to do. And it’s not who he is; he is the big brother who always take care of everything, with enough strength to carry almost all of his sisters luggages or his drunk brother. He one who fights anyone threatening or harassing Isabelle or even Magnus even if both of them can handle themselves. But staying passive… this isn't him.

    Too lost in his thoughts, he barely notices it when Jace put a hand on his shoulder.

 

    “Are you okay?” The blond asks with a worried voice. 

    “Yeah… It’s nothing.”

    “Come on Alec… Talk to me. Please.”

 

    Jace is almost begging, Alec can hear it and he should feel sorry but he doesn't; he can’t bring himself to.

 

    “Jace, I'm fine.” He sighs. “Days like that happens and I don't feel like talking about it okay?”

    “Of course, not like you ever talk with me anyway.”

    “I talk to you.”

    “Not about the important things !  _ I _ tell you _ everything _ . I’m your brother Alec, and your best friend ! And you just…” He just trails off with a wave of his hand.

 

    And Alec… He just wishes he could do something, anything. He knows Jace, right now, needs him to react, to feel something, to say something. Anything.

 

    “It’s my medication, sometimes it blurs how I feel and I’m just numb. There. Happy?”

 

Jace presses his lips in a thin frustrated line and Alec can almost hear his brother thinking, probably trying to measure the pro and the cons of Alec’s answer and if he meant to be aggressive or whether he is honest or not. Ever since they know about his lie on going back to college, everyone seems to analyse every words he says. He hates it but today, today, he can’t bring himself to care. 

 

    “No.” Jace answers, almost to Alec’s surprise, as he picks up a huge box. “I’m not happy.”

 

Alec watches him leave wordlessly, guilt threatening to rise. Since when can’t they understand each others anymore ?

    They used to be like a pair of twins. They used to understand each others without needing to talk. They used to be strong, to be better together.

    Alec doesn’t know when things changed; when he stopped to tell Jace everything that happened into his life he just knows that his brother never noticed. Or never seemed to notice. Either ways, Alec never had take it against Jace. At the time, it was better this way.

    It isn’t anymore.

***

 

    He feels like screaming, like he is losing his brother all over again; powerless. He can’t even remember the last time he had a real conversation with Alec when they used to be so close.

    Jace violently put the box down and hearing the  _ clung  _ that follows, he will probably regret it. He can hear Izzy and Magnus bickering about ordering pizza or chinese food and Clary is on the phone talking with some guy named Simon. Lydia is organising the boxes that belong to the kitchen and Maïa is leaning on the wall, sipping her iced coffee.

    That's when he realises he didn't ask any of his friends for help. He is not like Alec, who doesn’t particularly look to have some; he does want friends. He has plenty of them, actually. With whom he goes clubbing and partying. With whom he gets drunk and sometimes even high. But he isn't close to them. He never has been. He doesn't trust them like he trusts Alec, Isabelle and, at his biggest surprise, the therapist he has been seeing.

    When they were little, it was always Izzy, Alec, him and no one else. Then they grew up; to have different friends and stronger personalities. Izzy became the popular highschool girl and he became the quarterback girls fight for. Alec stayed in the shadow, as much as he could.But beside that, the three of them when together, were still, probably, the closest siblings in their town.

    And now there is also Magnus, Lydia, Maïa and Clary but none of them are really close to Jace. Not as close as they are with his siblings at least and loneliness is suddenly crushing him.

 

“You know the word ‘Fragile’ means that it must be handled carefully right?” Maïa asks with a hint of teasing in her eyes.

He sends her a pointed look and she chuckles before straightening and joining him.

 

“I’m kidding. Are you okay though? I’ve known you more… Joyful. Like, you still haven't make any snarky comments since we got here.”

 

    Jace rolls his eyes but can't help a smile; if Maïa is closer to Isabelle, he can't deny that she and he share a peculiar friendship, very much alike the one he has with Magnus, with a lot of teasing, but with a pinch of flirt. It never goes further; Maïa has a boyfriend and Jace isn't very interested in love.

    That doesn't mean he doesn't find her attractive. Maïa is spectacularly beautiful. Delicious chocolate skin and deep brown eyes, wild hair and defined curls, plumped lips and toned body. She is the kind of women you see in magazines, exposing their beauty with a mysterious and dark expression or a bright gleeful smile. And she incredibly brilliant. She is the kind of blunt, smart women who speak their mind, not caring of what people will say about it. She will not care about those who will say that the way she speaks isn’t feminine enough but caring about those who will be smart enough to listen. And she is the kind of women you see behind a bar, listening to drunk men and women problems and stories, sharing her wisdom between two jokes but who will not hesitate fighting any trouble maker. And Jace doesn’t doubt it, she will win. She is the kind of woman he would date, if he was interested in love and relationships.

 

    “Jace?” She calls.

    “What happened to your eyes ?” He asks instead of answering.

 

    He has noticed it earlier, the swollen maked up spot below her eye, on her upper cheek. Even below the obvious coats of concealer Jace can see the dark bruise and though he wouldn't dare say anything directly, he is sure this isn't an accident.

 

    “Cupboard door incident in the kitchen.” Maïa answers immediately, a little defensively.

    “Well.” Jace says furrowing his brows in mistrust. “If that cupboard door hurts you again, don't be afraid to tell me… I'll make sure it doesn't anymore, even if I have to break it.”

 

    It’s not that he wants to be a super hero, even if he obviously likes them, Alec told him and explained to him way too many times how –most of the time _ – ‘super heroes are just like villains’ _ ; they never asked, or not often anyway, for their powers and it often starts with a revenge. In both cases they wear costumes and names to attract attention and keep their real identity secret but mostly to empower their impact on the people. The only thing differentiating heroes and villain is the choice they make. Evil, Saint. Good, Bad. ‘ _ Heroes are just villains making themselves look better by being good _ .’ Alec said to him one day. ‘ _ But that is why people love them. Me included. _ ’

    Honestly, Jace doesn’t know why he said that. Maybe it’s because Isabelle is his sister and she fed him with feminism and moral fights; justice. Maybe it’s because Alec is his brother and would have been beaten in school for being who he is if he hadn’t hide his sexuality. Maybe it’s because he’s smart and knows that because you aren’t really close to someone or even if you don’t know them doesn’t mean you shouldn’t protect them. Maybe it’s because, protecting people, is what lawyers are supposed to do. And maybe it isn’t officially his business, but he is ready to take the fall if that means saving someone from a situation that could possibly endangered their life.

 

    “Why, thank you Jace, I didn’t know you were such a gentleman.” Maïa answers with a sad chuckle. “But…” She sighs, hesitates, sighs again. “I broke up with that cupboard door. It just wasn’t really happy about it.”

    “It won’t come after you?”

    “I don’t think so… Anyway. I told you what happened to me. Tell me what happened to you.”

    “I just fought with Alec, somehow. Nothing serious; I just wish he would talk to me more.”

    “You want an advice? Don’t force him into it, just show him you’re here for him, no matter what he tells you or not tells you.”

 

    Jace wants to argue, to counter, to say it’s not a good idea, that he doesn’t need her advices but actually… She’s right. He broke Alec’s trust when the latter came to him the day he attempt suicide. He yelled at Alec when he needed him the most. He hadn’t even  _ try _ to understand.

    But he doesn’t say it; he doesn’t say that she’s right, he doesn’t say anything. So they just look at each others for a while, in a comfortable silence, and it’s like there is a new link between them, maybe a newborn, deeper, friendship. 

 

***

 

    Isabelle smiles, looking at Jace and Maïa talking together while leaving the apartment again to gather the belongings that still were in the car; glad that the two of them still haven’t slaughtered each others and that her friends get along so well with her brothers. She wonders if she’d get along with her girlfriend’s friends. She had briefly meet Simon once or twice but never enough to know him really. And if Clary told her about Dot, whom she practically see as a sister, Isabelle never had the chance to meet her yet. It has been a few weeks, Isabelle thinks, she shouldn’t be sad or bitter for not having met her girlfriend’s loved ones yet. Maybe Clary didn’t came out. Maybe she is scared of how they will react. Isabelle can’t possibly blame her for that. She’ve seen the damages rejection can do.

    The beautiful ginger must have noticed her insistent gaze on her because she looks up from the box she was opening and smiles softly.

 

    “What?” She asks amused.

    “Nothing! I was just… Thinking.”

 

    Clary’s grin just grows wider and she stands up to gently kiss Isabelle on the lips.

 

    “What are you thinking about?” The red headed asks again.

    “Not much, just that I haven’t met your friends yet.”

    “You met Simon.”

    “Not what I meant.”

    “Alright,I can’t keep you for myself all the time after all can I?” She jokes. “You want to meet them?”

    “Of course I’d like to! They’re part of your life and they are always there for you, you said, and for that, I want to meet them. But you know, if you still are closeted it's okay, I'll understand. I promise.”

    “It’s not that I promise. You will meet them.” Clary assures pecking her lips again.

 

    Isabelle smiles, a weight seemingly lifted from her shoulders. Maybe it will allow her to feel close to her girlfriend again. 

    Her smile drops as soon as, following Maïa and Jace, Alec enters the room, a box that has visibly been put in his hands, looking a bit lost, out of place. But she knows her brother, and he will not talk about it to her. Maybe to Jace or Magnus. Maybe he won't talk about it at all. He hates talking about how and what he feels, he always does his  best to look strong and composed. Only his slightly slumped shoulders and unfocused gaze gives him away. 

    Looking over Magnus, she sees he’s already noticed his boyfriend’s discomfort; he walks over Alec, put a hand on his bicep and tell him words she can't hear but make her brother nod as he awkwardly scratches the back of his neck. Magnus gently squeezes his arm before turning to her.

    He isn’t even facing her yet but she already knows that he is going to tell her that he and Alec are leaving, or maybe that they are going out of there for a little while. Magnus takes such a good care of her brother… And even if she now got Clary back in her life, she wished she and her girlfriend shared the same deep relationship and understanding of each other that Alec and Magnus do.

    Her strong desire to be loved has always been seen as a weakness by her mother. And she can’t say it hasn’t been; she has had way too many bad friendships and relationships because of that. The need to be popular, to have everyone looking after her, to be the one others want to be. 

    And she has been. She was the most popular girl in middle and high school. She was the prom queen. Boys and girls were dreaming to be with her many to be her as well. She was shining but she was  _ loved _ . Not the way she wanted,  _ needed _ , to be.

    She had found it in Clary before, the love she craves. She has hold onto this for their whole time together. Until Clary leave.

    She thought that now that they found their way back to each other, things would be the same as they were before. But they aren’t. Not yet at least; Isabelle is willing to wait, because Clary is her only chance to find back the love she’s dreaming of.

    And as she watches Magnus walking to her, she is just as jealous of her brother as she is happy for him.   

 

    “Well, in the end it seems that you winning and ordering pizza was for the best. Alec and I are going to buy some take out and eat on the park near your new home. Let’s say it a...Spontaneous date!”

    “Nice try Magnus.” She smiles. “I know you’re doing this because Alec isn’t doing so well today. But that’s nice to try to cover for him though.” 

 

    Magnus smiles back, shrugging a little.

 

    “He doesn't want you to worry.”

    “I know.” She replies sadly. “Try to make him talk. He needs it.”

    “I know and I will do my best Isabelle, I promise. But you know I can’t force him. If anything I will at least show him I’m here for him.”

 

    She mouths a thank you and he smiles again before leaving her side to join Alec’s. He takes his hand and lead him outside.

    Not far behind, Jace is staring at them, a sad look paint on his face and guilt written all over his eyes. Sighing, she gives Clary the money for the pizzas that won't be long to come and joins her adoptive brother.

 

***

 

    “What happened between you and Alec?”

 

    Jace tilts his head at his sister, considering a lie. He knew she would be asking; it’s obvious that there is something wrong between he and Alec recently. They used to be inseparable. Glued to each others and now, it’s like the distance between them never stops growing. She raises her eyebrows, he rolls his eyes.

    This has always been a thing between the Lightwood siblings, talking without words, Jace included. It’s something he has and will always cherish. Even in those moments. It always warms his heart.

 

    “I just wanted him to talk to me. Nothing more. But I keep messing everything up with him.” He confesses with frustration. “I just managed to piss him off and got zero satisfaction in knowing what’s  wrong with him today. Zero.”

    “Have you guys talked about everything that happened ?”

    “I don’t think he has forgiven me yet.”

    “But did you talk about it?”

    “Of course not!”

    “Well Jace, it’s time you put your big boy’s pants and talk to him.”

 

    Jace groans; Isabelle is right. Of course she is! His psychiatrist told him the same thing, that he must talk with his brother to find some closure in this tragedy they almost faced. To make peace with himself and move on. 

    But it’s just so much easier to say than to do and Jace doesn’t know where to start, what to say and how to bring it up. He can’t picture himself saying, in the middle of a conversation : ‘Hey by the way bro, remember I was so mean to you that you thought the world would be better off without you? Yeah, can we talk about it?’

    He knows it's not the way it should go anyway. He knows that what he has to do is ask Alec if they can talk. Like he used to do when they still were close.

    Jace wishes he was like Izzy sometimes, being as comfortable as she is with serious, deep talks. He wishes he was too able to find the words that would bring Alec and he back in the place they used to be together. Possibly even closer. He wishes he knew how to ask for help.

    Education, Jace has learnt often build who you are or the way you see the world and act. In the Lightwood family for instance, boys, men, they must be tough, they mustn’t cry, they must not ask for help. Maryse and Robert are both very conservative, though they both acknowledge women can be as powerful as a man in the working environment, women are allowed to have weaknesses, men aren't. The pressure of perfection that smothered Alec and strangled Jace. And still do to this day. The pride that is more valuable than communication. The pain that must be handled in silence. They are chains around his voice.

    Unlearning, Jace knows, is one of the hardest thing in the world. Forgetting what people told you to be and how they asked you to act to start being yourself and believe in what is right for you. And Jace is aware.

To cry is not to be weak.

Sensitivity is strength.

Asking for help is brave.

    But the chains are harder to break than it is to be crushed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In this chapter I really wanted to point out that seeing a psy, discovering things about yourself and getting better doesn't prevent you from making mistakes.  
> Both Jace and Alec made mistakes there. Maybe Alec should have tried to explain and Jace shouldn't have push on so much. 
> 
> Jace frustration is completely normal and I hope you understand it as much as I do. Not being able to help someone you love is a really painful and frustrating experience. 
> 
> I LOVE MAIA AND JACE ! And I'm still not sure about giving Jace a romantic relationship but he can certainly have friendships. Also, Simon should appears soon ^^
> 
> I can talk with my sisters without any words so I thought it would be cool of the lightwoods can do it as well ! It's a really funny and awesome thing! I love it when I don't have to talk to be understood.
> 
> Education is crucial, eventhough not everyone will be influenced or completely influenced by it, it builds us, even when we go against it, as I said. The way we think and see the world change with the way we are educated (or not educated). And it's important to say and/or realise it.  
> Some people grow up believing that being LGBTQ+ is a sin or something to be ashamed of and if you are an LGBTQ+ person who's been taught that then you will easily be ashamed of who you are (it was Alec's cases). So many boys are taught that crying is a weakness and that it's being 'like a girl' (because according to some, girls are weak. lol.) But what you're taught isn't always true. Being LGBTQ+ is okay, it's not a sin and it's certainly not something to be ashamed of and girls are NOT weak.
> 
> NB: What I say about heroes and villains is something I really think. If you have an opinion on it or want to debate it with me, don't hesitate to leave a comment ! It'll be a pleasure to discuss it with you !
> 
> I hope you liked this chapter and I'll hopefully see you in two weeks!
> 
> kisses ~


	18. Stumbling, Falling, Standing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I DID IT !!!  
> I thought I wouldn't be able to finish the chapter but I DID IT (okay I went to bed super late but !!!!!)
> 
> So, this chapter is quite emotional because I wasn't in the best place when I wrote it but eh, it gets better.

    Alec would never have thought he would actually like his time with a therapist. Nor would have he believe you if you had told him it would help him a lot. He thought that having Magnus and his siblings was enough and that the depression he has wasn’t real. Not really. Magnus was always there to help him calm down from his nightmares or panic attacks and so was Isabelle. He would hide it from Jace but the sole presence of the blond was reassuring enough for him to feel at least a little better.

    He would have never acknowledge that feeling like a dead weight all the time and being scared of making friends because he would end up left out or even worse, bothering them and having them running from him, was him being depressed. He had been like this almost his whole life, after all.

    But now, he would eventually have had to tell you that you were right.

    Playing with the wristband Magnus bought him to hide his scars, Alec doesn’t know where to start today; should he talk about yesterday’s disastrous talk with his boyfriend and the fight with his brother or how he feels about his medication recently.

    He knows he will talk about both, eventually.  

    It had taken a bit of time for Alec to feel as comfortable with Mrs Collins as he had been with the hospital’s therapist. She is the kind of person whose physical traits don’t match the personality. Her face is as sharp as her soul is sweet, her eyes as narrow as she is open minded and her lips as thin as her voice is soft. Her hair is blonde, almost white, which remind him of Catarina, but her eyes are black and her skin is paler than Alec’s.

    “So tell me Alec, what are we talking about today?” She asks, a small smile playing on her lips. “You know we don’t have to talk about anything if you don’t feel like it right?” She adds when he shrugs.

    “I-I want to talk, today, it’s just… There is a lot going on in my head right now and I don’t know…” He trails off.

    “Okay, well, tell me about this week, you told me your siblings were moving out and that you were going to help. How did that go?”

    “… Terribly.”

    “What happened?”

    “I… I wasn’t feeling well, I think it’s the medication, sometimes, it’s like I can’t feel anything anymore. I didn’t know what to do or how to do it and I didn’t want to talk about it to anyone.”

    “Do you know how your medicine takes effect and why it doesn’t always feel like it really works?”

    “Not really. I mean… It’s supposed to make me feel happier isn’t it?”

 

    The therapist smiles again and Alec feels stupid; he has to take antidepressants and he didn’t even wonder how it worked and what it really does to his brain. Until today he didn’t even wonder, he wasn’t even interested and yet it is so important… He could have asked Isabelle, she did study drugs during her first years in college, she must know something about this.

 

    “Yes.” Mrs Collins replies. “But not really.”

    “But-”

    “The molecule present in the medication helps your neurotransmitters, which are chemicals responsible for moods and emotions, to get a better balance. Of course it can improve your mood, but not always, it regulates it and it does help you but it doesn’t erase the negative feelings you might have. Emotion changes, moods aren’t always the same and that’s why it will not affect your brain the same from one day to another. Do you understand? But sometimes, after a while, it does have less effect that it used to have and maybe that is what is happening to you. We can up your dose for that or try to change your medication.”

    “I’m… Not sure.”

    “Okay, we can see how you are feeling about this next week and then we’ll discuss it further. How does that sounds?”

    “Great.”

    “Good.” She says, writing it on her notebook. “Back to yesterday, you said it went, quote unquote, terribly. Other than the troubles with your medications, is there another reason?”

    “I had an argument, with Jace.”

    “Your brother right?”

    “Yeah… But I was unfair, I know it.”

    “Why?”

    “He was just worried about me.”

    “You pushed him away?”

    “You can’t push Jace away. He stays and insists until you spill.”

    “What went wrong?” She asks, frowning.

    “I spilled, but not in a nice way. I didn’t want to talk about it and even less to be forced to do it. But he didn’t get it. He doesn’t want to get it. He wants our relationship to be just like before but he doesn’t realise that ‘before’ is already a long time ago.”

    “Are you-”

    “I don’t blame him for what I did, no. It’s just… There is a bridge between us now. It has been there for a while; we just didn’t notice it before. ”

    “I see. But I wasn’t going to ask you if you blamed him, we went through this already. I want to know, Alec, if you are angry at him.”

 

    There is a silence and Alec’s chest is suddenly heavy; because maybe he is. For not being there enough. For letting him in the shadow. For what he said that night. For not noticing. For not caring before it was too late. How did he never realise he was angry? Furious even. How did he keep forgiving or ignoring instead of talking and making things better? How unfair it is to be angry at Jace when he didn’t say a word?

 

    “It’s okay to be angry Alec. It’s okay to not be okay with what your brother do or did, even if it’s far in the past. It’s okay.” She softly insists and Alec has to clench his fist so he doesn’t break, so he doesn’t cry.

 

***

 

    “I’m worried about Alec.” Magnus confesses as he stops sketching.

    “You’re  _ always _ worried about Alec, Magnus.”

 

    Magnus sends a pointed look to his friend, quirking up his eyebrows. Raphael rolls his eyes and continues inspecting the pants of the suit Tessa just finished sewing.

 

    “I have all the rights and reasons to be worried about him, thank you very much.”

    “I thought he was doing better.” Tessa enquires.

    “He is but… I don’t know, he was just…  _ Off _ , yesterday.”

    “Do you think he would…” She asks with an unsure voice.

    “No! God, no… He wouldn’t”

    “He did it once.” Raphael says matter of factly and Magnus wants to slap him for that.

 

    Magnus loves Raphael, he is one of his best friend and like a little brother to him. When they met, the poor young boy was living on the street before he was brought to the same foster home and Magnus was the one who took him under his wings. He swore to protect him and take care of him, which he did and still does, when Raphael actually lets him.

    Raphael is almost a cliché introvert; he is cold, hates social interactions and tends to have snarky, quite funny, remarks. But he is also unapologetically blunt and while Magnus usually perceives this as a quality, he wishes today, Raphael would just have shut up.

 

“Thank you Raph, you truly are helping.” He snarls. “This is exactly what I needed to be reminded of.”

“Tessa started it.”

“Hey! Don’t put the blame on me!”

“I’m just saying the truth.” Raphael replies, rolling his eyes again. “But you know Magnus, it would be good for you to think about something that doesn’t concern Alec, once in awhile. You used to, he is getting better, you know that! And we got an article to a magazine and a huge client now, you can move on now Magnus...”

 

Magnus knows what Raphael is trying to do, with a lot of blunders; he’s searching a way to reassure him, to tell him that it’s going to be okay, that he doesn’t have to worry that much, that he can think about something else without his world risking to burn in the space of a second.

But it doesn’t work. This _ can’t  _ work; the words are too harsh, tactless, hurtful. And Magnus is flooded with an overwhelming anger. It’s something he can’t control. He can feel his blood boiling, pounding at his ears, blurring his senses.

 

    “Yes, I  _ used _ to.” He spats. “But ever since he attempted, every time he isn’t having a good day I can’t help but freak out. You should have seen him yesterday… He looked so defeated and he even got in a kind-of-a-fight with Jace. And I couldn’t manage to get him talk to me. We almost got into an argument when he tried to explain me why he needed some time alone! Because I am stupid and I still can’t leave him alone without worrying when he is upset. So excuse me,  _ Raphael _ , if me being traumatized about my boyfriend trying to kill himself, and I must remind you that my  _ mother _ did die from suicide, is bothering you but this not something I can control and even less something I’m ready to ‘move on’ from anytime soon. Get over it.”

 

The silence falls. Only Magnus loud breathing can be heard; Tessa is looking down, fidgeting with her leather bracelet. She doesn’t dare to look up. She doesn’t dare to say anything. Raphael is staring at Magnus, mouth agape like he didn’t expect the man who always protected him to burst out at him, not with that much anger. 

Shaking his head, Magnus gathers his belongings and leaves. No one tries to stop him.

 

***

 

The first thing Alec notices when he comes home is the dimmed lighting and classical music coming from the living room which only means one thing: Magnus is home too. Alec frowns. His boyfriend isn’t supposed to be home before six. He has to work for his new client’s clothing line and must talk with Catarina and Raphael about the budget he gave the three of them to realise it. So if Magnus is home, something most likely went wrong and Alec can feel his anxiety rising.

 

“Magnus?” He calls walking to the living room.

 

The music stops.

Magnus is turning his back to him, in front of the stereo. Even from afar, Alec can see how tense his boyfriend is; his whole posture is rigid.

 

“Babe?” Alec calls again.

 

Alec isn’t one to use pet name. He even used to despise them; they made him uncomfortable. Maybe did they remind them the affection he had crave from his parents as he watched the other kids being called sweet names by their mother or their father. He doesn’t know and he doesn’t care anymore because Magnus changed that, too. 

Magnus  _ loves _ pet names. He calls everyone ‘darling’, ‘honey’ or some food names. They can be affective or ironic, he will never miss an occasion to use one. With Alec, they are always full of love.

Alec loves it when his boyfriend gives him pet names. He won’t admit it, of course, and often play annoyed by that, but he really, really, likes it. When Magnus calls him something else than ‘Alexander’ or ‘Alec’, when he calls him ‘Love’, ‘Darling’, ‘Baby’ or even ‘Sweet-cheeks’, it feels like the words are wrapping themselves around his body like the perfect comfort blanket. It took him quite long to return the favor; to let pet names rolls on his tongue. But from time to time, Alec will use them, trying to give to Magnus the same amount of comfort he gets when he doesn’t feel very well. It is still feeling strange in his mouth but the with the way it makes the Asian man smiles, Alec knows it worth it.

 

    “Hey, Alexander, you’re home early.” Magnus says turning around, a glass of whiskey in hand.

    “You are the one being home early.” Alec answers deepening his frown. “And you’re drinking.” He adds, walking closer, walking nearer, walking until he can touch his boyfriend’s face. “What happened?”

    “Nothing happened.”

    “Okay.”

 

    Alec will not force Magnus to speak up. The young  man knows his boyfriend; he needs time, he needs things to settle down, just a little, before he speaks about it.

    Magnus smiles softly and puts his glass on the table next to him, he then pecks Alec’s lips as if saying ‘ _ thank you _ ’ and the younger man knows he made the right decision. His hands make their way to Magnus waist, and tug on the man’s shirt, pulling him closer so he can kiss him again. The Asian man chuckles a little in the kiss before gently pushing Alec and taking his glass back.

 

    “How did it go with Mrs Collins?” He asks, sipping his whiskey and making his way to the sofa

    “Great. As usual.”

    “Were you able to talk about yesterday’s incident?” He again.

 

    And Alec hears: ‘ _ Where you able to tell her what you can’t tell me? _ ’

 

    “Yes.” Alec answers, his tone soft and sorry, moving to him.

    “Good. I was afraid that you won’t; you needed to tell at least one person. Even if it wasn’t me.”

    “Don’t worry about me. I’m fine. I promise.”

 

    Alec gives his boyfriend a reassuring smile and sits on his laps. He lowers his head so their foreheads meet and he sweetly nuzzles his nose against Magnus’. The latter automatically puts his hand on Alec’s hips. He closes his eyes and sighs.

 

    “I just can’t help it Alexander.”

    “I know.”

 

    Alec leans a little more so their lips are touching. He bites his boyfriend’s gently before kissing him fully, slowly, passionately, open mouthed and Magnus moans in the kiss. Alec moves closer as he mouths over his lover’s jaw, going down on the neck, taking a taste at the gorgeous Adam's apple he likes so much and it tastes just like sweat and Magnus’ perfume, and going up again on the sharp jaw line he adores, ever so slowly building up the passion and the fever between them.

 

    “Are you trying to distract me Alexander?” Magnus all but pants.

    “Is it working?” Alec asks, nibbling at Magnus ear lobe.

    “God, yes, very much so.” He answers, his hands moving under the younger’s shirt, cold fingers caressing toned abs.

 

    A shiver runs down their spine and through their whole body, impatient, electric, overwhelming, in the best possible way. Alec smiles against Magnus’ skin.

 

***

 

    Magnus never realised before how comfortable his carpet is. Of course, he had an idea, he would never have buy it otherwise, but only right now, as the soft fibers caress his side and  his boyfriend’s back, he understands how good his choice of furniture was.

 

    “I can’t believe we just had sex on the carpet. After _ days  _ without doing anything. ” He whispers.

    “We just did that didn’t we?” Alec chuckles and Magnus can feel all the vibrations of his chest below the hand that was playing with the young, unexpectedly wild, man’s chest hair. “Do you want to move to bed?”

    “Nope, I perfectly comfortable right here. Do you?”

    “Honestly? I don’t think I can move right now.”

 

    It’s Magnus’ turn to laugh, snuggling closer, he loves this side of Alec; when he says things, cheekily, without thinking twice about it. When he is happy and carefree, holding him tightly against him. When it doesn’t seem like he is struggling with life. When it looks like Raphael is right about Alec being fine.

 

    “I’m angry at Jace.”

 

    It comes out of nowhere. It comes out from Alec

 

    “I’m angry at Jace and I didn't know it.”

    “Why?” Magnus asks. “How didn't you know you are angry at him?”

    “I couldn’t admit it.” Alec confesses. “Jace and I, we never really fought, it’s like we forbid it from our relationship. Like we always had to be the closest best friends, the closest brothers that ever existed on this stupid planet. And maybe I always swallow anger against him because I unconsciously think that it would destroy our bond. But now that I realize it, I’m furious at him for a whole lot of reasons maybe too much to tell and… I should feel bad about it, but I don’t.” He sighs with a small chuckle. “I feel relieved.”

    “This is good.” Magnus smiles, pulling himself closer to his boyfriend’s body.

 

    Could anyone be more proud of this man than he is? Of the long way he comes from to be there, admitting that he has the right to be angry, furious even, at those he loves without loving them any less?

 

    “So,” Alec says after a short silence, “what happened today? Why were you home so early?”

 

    He should have guessed, of course Alec wouldn’t let it all go like that. Of course Alec would wait for him to be calmer to ask. Of course.

 

    “Did you have sex with me just so I talk about what happened?” Magnus only half jokes.

    “No.” Alec answers with honesty. “I planned to kiss you into telling me this, things just went heated.”

 

    Despite himself, Magnus smiles. Never will he know how he did get so lucky to win Alec’s heart. The man is just too precious for his own well being. And the Indonesian man just too happy to witness again his young boyfriend’s blunt honesty. He lets out a soft sigh and gently kisses Alec’s chest.

 

    “I had an argument with Raphael. You know how I’m still worried about you when no one’s with you right?” He asks and Alec nods. “Well, it might be ridiculous but because of yesterday I was even more worried.” Magnus confesses in a murmur.

    “It’s not ridiculous Magnus. It’s how you feel.” Alec reassures.

 

    Magnus feels himself smiling again and he slowly shakes his head. It’s incredible, how much it feels good to have your feelings acknowledge like that. To be told that no matter what, even if you feel stupid, selfish or anything else about them, they are still valid. Because if you feel it, it’s real.

 

    “Well, I think, in his own way, Raphael tried to comfort me, or at least to assure me that everything will be okay and that I didn’t have to worry so much. But you know Raphael, he isn’t good with comfort…” 

    “What did he say?” Alec asks and his voice is so gentle Magnus might cry at it.

    “He doesn’t understand how I still worry so much, why I don’t let that- _ this  _ go. He told me to move on.” He replies, his voice breaking a little.

    “Magnus…”

    “He had good intentions but it just made me angry. So I lashed out on him, told him to get over it and left.”

    “I’m sorry.”

    “Don’t say that as if it is your fault.”

 

    He looks up and their eyes meet. His heart contracts painfully as he sees guilt paint all over Alec’s big hazel eyes.

    This is why he didn’t want to tell him about his fight with Raphael and even less about the reason behind it; Alec was bond to beat himself up for it and Magnus understand why perfectly; he’d feel the same in the roles were reversed. Alec tried to end his days and therefore thinks all the consequences are his fault, every fights, every arguments, every misunderstanding.

    But it isn’t. People might don’t get it,  _ Alec _ doesn’t as well, but the consequences of his act are not his fault. And maybe the traumas his love ones are now going through could be, but they are the fault of the gesture itself. What Alec did... He did it out of desperation, because at the moment the pain in his brain was just so intense it tortured his mind and heart. Sometimes death seems to be the answer.

 

    “But it is…”

    “No, it isn’t. Raphael was being tactless and I overreacted. That’s all.”

    “But if I didn’t-”

    “ _ Alec _ .” Magnus says firmly and sits up. “Stop. This wasn’t about you. This was about words and the way they were said.”

 

    Alec sighs and sits up as well.

    “I never wanted to hurt you.” He says, his voice so low Magnus almost doesn’t hear it. “When I…” He trails off. “I never wanted to hurt any of you.”

Magnus closes his eyes. He feels tears rising as he knows he needs but doesn’t want to talk about it. He is pretty sure they look ridiculous, both naked, dirty on the carpet, in the middle of the living room, vulnerable in every meanings.

 

    “I know.” He croaks. “I know you didn’t.”

    “I thought I lost you this day. I thought you hated me because I didn’t come out, because I betrayed you, because I didn’t even introduce you as a friend, because I was a coward afraid of his parents.”

    “I could never hate you, I love you.”

 

    Alec smiles sadly and takes his hands in his, squeezing them gently.

 

    “I know, and I’d never understand what I did to deserve you, because you worth so much more than what I can give you…” He replies, kissing Magnus’ knuckles on both hands.     “After you left that day, I came back to my parents in the coffee shop and I hoped they wouldn’t say anything because I knew I would blow if they did. But they started and kept insulting you and I just couldn’t take it. They called you a fag and…” He licks his lips and looks down as he hears his boyfriend’s breath hitch in his throat. “I exploded; I came out because I couldn’t stand them insulting you. I told them that _ I  _ am the fag and that you are my  _ bi  _ boyfriend and that I love you.”

    Magnus gasps when he hears Alec calling himself a ‘fag’. This is a word he never wants any homosexual person to say about themselves. This is a slur, a hurtful one with an even more painful history behind it. He grips the younger man’s hand a little tighter and forces himself not to say a word; he has waited for Alec to open up to him for way too long to stop him now.

    “My father slapped me. Hard.” He says, looking up, eyes shining with unshed tears. “My mother told me I’m bringing shame on the family name, that I was a _ burden _ that she wished Max was here and I wasn’t, that it would be better for me to be dead than a _ faggot _ . She asked me when I would stop being such a disappointment and my dad… He told me I wasn’t part of the family anymore and that… That he would have killed me himself if we weren’t in a public place.”

    By now, Magnus is pretty sure that his heart has crashed on the floor. He knew what Jace and Isabelle knew but none of them had had any details and maybe it’s better this way; this is unforgivable. The truth is even more crushing that what they had learn. Robert has lifted his hand on his son, his flesh and blood, in the middle of a café, humiliating him on the spot for having the courage of coming out. He has told him that he was denying his existence and threatened him. And Maryse hasn’t been better. They pushed him to think he had to die.

    Never in his whole existence has Magnus had shake in anger and pain as he is right now. He is pretty sure tears are rolling on his cheeks. This isn’t fair. Alec never did anything to deserve such a treatment; he is the smartest, kindest, sweetest man the Indonesian ever had the chance to meet. Alec deserves nothing less than the sun and the moon.

    “Alexander-”

    “Let me finish please… I need to get it out of my chest.” Alec begs, his voice just as broken as Magnus’. “I was already feeling devastated when I reached home and then there was Jace and he kept yelling at me and I just... I thought my parents were right. No, I already thought they were when they told me.” He admits, ashamed. “I never understood how you put up with me and why you love me. I never understood why my brother and my sister were still willingly living with me. I never had friends because I already thought I was a burden and selfish enough to keep you and my siblings trap with me to be a dead weight to more people.”

    Magnus doesn’t say anything as silence takes place and only their loud, shaky breathing can be heard. Truth is, he is scared of what Alec is about to say. He can see the younger man is trying to find the right words; his brows are furrowed in concentration as much as they are in pain.

    Alec leaves out a heavy sigh.

“When I- when I tried to kill myself, I thought- I thought I was-” He starts and breaks into tears. “I wanted to lift the weight I was from your shoulders. I-I wanted to stop being a burden.” He chokes. “I-I thought I was doing you a favour.”

 

    Magnus lets out a sob and tugs Alec to him, their bodies crashing, pressing against each others, the older man holding the younger one in his arms, clutching his boyfriend against him like he’ll never let him go again, cradling him, whispering sweet nothings in his ears.

    He doesn’t know how long they stayed like that, holding on each others, holding on for dear life, not caring on how miserable they still look, but when they pulls away, though tears are still running on their cheeks and their forehead still connect, it is because they both stopped sobbing and started shivering. 

 

    “How does a hot bubble bath followed by cuddles on the couch and hot chocolate or chamomile sounds?” Magnus asks as they wipe each other’s tears and Alec nods, leaning in Magnus’ touch.

    “It sounds perfect.”

 

Magnus smiles then kisses his boyfriend, gently, softly, and Alec smiles back against his lips.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooo.... I really wanted to make things clear about how anti-depressants work and why they are most definitely NOT happy pills. But I didn't know how to do it until I thought about how I learnt more about it: the day I was prescripted, and I decided to do more or less the same for Alec.  
> I'm thinking about putting some more psy session, maybe not only with Alec's... Please tell me below if you're interested ^^.
> 
> You can be angry with someone without realising, I'm talking from experience there, but once you realise it's there... I think maybe it's even more powerful... 
> 
> Raphael and Magnus fight:  
> I figured it's very hard for some friends or for the family to figure out what to say and they just want you to be better and so they say thing and sometimes it's tactles or hurtful, but they mean good. And if you feel angry about what they said it's still totally valid and normal. Because they mean good doesn't mean it's something that should be said.
> 
> People under antidepressant can have sex or be aroused or whatever I don't feel concerned with. I know my dad's cousin's wife got pregnant when she was still depressed and only 4 month after her attempt. Apparently (the cousin was quite crude) they never had had that much sex that when she was under her meds.  
> Anti depressant can lower the libido but... They can also boost it a lot, apparently. I even read the after effects again to be sure :)
> 
> Precision: they didn't had sex last chapter, they were mainly making out.
> 
> The conversation! It was a really important moment that I couldn't mess up. Thankfully my mind state though not good helped a lot (and if I am honest, writing the scene it helped me too).  
> I think that when two people are heavily vulnerable it's easier for them to speak to one other. Not to mention that this was a very needed conversation, for both of them.  
> I also took inspiration on the conversation about suicide I had with my mother once. When I told her how I felt and why I sometimes wanted to kill myself. (a talk that was needed too, to be honest.)
> 
> I hope you envoyed the chapter and I'll hopefully see you in two weeks <3


	19. We Don’t Only Get What We Deserve

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter early and it's long !!!  
> I was sick on Monday and Tuesday which actually gave me time to finish it up a lot quicker.  
> I hope you all will like this chapter.  
> Also... Forgive me?

    There isn’t a second where Alec doesn’t feel lucky on having Magnus as his boyfriend; the man is everything he always dreamt to have, not daring on believing this could come true and yet, and yet, the day he kissed Magnus for the first time, he knew that it did. 

    There is something peaceful about watching the one you love sleeping, especially when you just wake up, in the middle of the night, heart beating way too fast and chest aching way too much.

    Magnus’ soft relaxed features, lightened by the streetlights, are usually what welcomes Alec when he wakes up, wet with sweat and breathing heavily. But not today; when he opens his eyes, heart pounding hard against his ribcage, his boyfriend’s eyes are harshly closed and a deep frown is wrinkling his forehead. He is squirming, slightly whimpering as if he was in pain.

_     ‘It’s my fault.’ _ Alec thinks, and it’s because of yesterday and the talk. And all over again, Alec wishes he never had done anything in the first place, he wishes he never had brought the scalpel to the skin of his wrists. And at the same time, all over again, he wishes he had succeeded, he wishes he was dead, he wishes he could die.

    He slides off the bed, resisting the urge to wake Magnus from his nightmare, and goes to the bathroom, closing the door as silently as possible then lies against it to repeat his breathing exercises, forcing rhythm to inhale, to exhale, to calm himself down. It’s never easy, he notices; he used to think he’ll get use to it and being able to fight the crisis more and more easily as he practiced. He was wrong, it’s just easier to think and realise when he needs them and when he doesn’t.

    Pushing himself from the door, he slowly walks to the sink and he doesn’t know why but the bathroom suddenly seems ridiculously big. It isn’t. Alec sighs and put cold water on his face, hoping it will help, and looks at himself in the mirror.

    The young man is a little taken aback by his reflection. He doesn’t know what he expected, but it isn’t it. He doesn’t look like he is depressed and tried to end his days. He looks healthy, though he obviously lost some weight. His eyes are tired but he figures out that giving the time, it’s normal. He has some stubble and can’t help but brushing it with the back of his hand. His eyes fall on the razor lying on the table next to sink and it’s scary how tempting it can be.

    Alec isn’t about to break Magnus’ trust and take it to hurt himself and he doesn’t even really want to do it. He just enjoys the thought of doing it. Is he going crazy?  Is he going nut? He shakes his head. This is insane. He can’t have this kind of fantasy. He just can’t imagine himself taking the blade off to cut his skin with it. If Magnus knew… It took so long for Alec to have his boyfriend stop hiding potentially dangerous object from him… Magnus would start doing it again. He wouldn’t trust Alec even if he promised not to do anything, not if he knows the temptation Alec goes through.

    “Hey.” A voice says behind him and he jumps, startled.

 

    Magnus is leaning on the doorframe, exhausted and beautiful.

 

    “Are you okay?” He asks but doesn’t approach.

    “Y-yeah, I just had a nightmare… Are you?”

    “Me also. Not to mention how cold the bed is without my personal heater, other than that, I’m okay.”

    “Sorry.”

    The Asian man lets out a soft chuckle and shakes his head as he offers his hand to Alec.

 

    “Don’t worry about it.” He reassures gently squeezing the hand the younger man gave him before kissing its knuckles.  “Let’s go back to bed, shall we?”

 

    They don’t talk. None of them ask questions, it’s too late and too early. They are both too tired to hold yet another deep and emotionally difficult conversation.

    They slip below the blanket and snuggle against each others.

 

    “Can I hold you? I mean, can I be the big spoon?” Alec asks.

 

    Most of the time, he loves to be the little spoon, but sometimes, he just  _ need  _ to hold Magnus against him, to breath him and feel him against his chest. Sometimes it’s even more comforting than being the little spoon. Alec never understood this spoon story anyway; to fit, the spoons have to be the same size.

 

    “Of course Love, whatever it is you want.”

 

***

 

    It’s almost six in the morning when Isabelle’s alarm rings. She groans and reaches for her phone to turn it off. She wants just a few more hours of sleep. Yesterday had been a long day filled with tests and long, complicated classes; she had gone to bed so early that Jace had make fun of her. It doesn’t help that today is without a doubt going to be a long day as well. She only have class this morning but this afternoon she’s meeting Simon and Dot.

    When Izzy had expressed her desire to meet Clary’s friend, she hadn’t expect her girlfriend to set up the meeting so soon after and the young woman must admit: it’s making her very nervous.

    She doesn’t remember the last time she has been so nervous about something so mundane and she honestly doesn’t know how to deal with that. It seems so stupid to be worried about meeting to people for the first time after everything that happened and she knows that it may be a sign that she is moving on with her life.

    It feels unfair though; it feels like it should take longer than just a few months, even if Alec seems fine now. Even if Jace is doing better. Even if they are all happier than they were when her brother woke up and wouldn’t talk to them. Even if they were a lot happier than weeks ago.

    Isabelle remembers the first time she smiled after Max’s death, how messed up and wrong this had felt. She remembers how much she had beat herself up for daring to be happy when her baby brother was no longer alive.

    Happiness is a tricky little thing, it comes and goes, just like any other emotion, even when it’s not welcome, even after tragedy strikes, even when you think it shouldn’t, even when you think you don’t deserve it. Happiness is terrifying.

    But moving on is even worse. It’s hard to tell yourself that turning a page doesn’t mean you're forgetting about it; it just hurt less.

    Isabelle isn’t sure she wants it to hurt less. Not now that she is used to the pain. It’s not that she doesn’t want to be happy. It’s not that she doesn't want to be nervous, sad or angry about normal things because God she craves it. But she has held her brothers, her friends, her family together burying the pain, the anger and the sadness deep inside her, holding onto it like on a lifebelt, making it part of her. If it was to disappear now, she’s afraid about the emptiness she’d feel.

    She thought she was doing better than that. Better than them. 

 

***

 

Magnus isn’t a morning person. Never has been, never will be; especially when he has a human heater holding him close and keeping him warm. He obviously hasn’t planned to wake up before his alarm rings.

He slowly opens his eyes, the light that is peeking through the thin curtains almost hurts him. The sun isn’t quite up yet, just enough to gently lighten the room, but Magnus is so tired it still is too bright for him. Alec’s breathe is falling on his neck, slow and regular.  He closes his eyes again and focus on his lover’s respiration, hoping that it would help him drift back to sleep. It doesn't. 

    Sometimes Magnus is afraid they will never get over this, that the fear and the nightmares will never go away, that they are stuck, broken and desperate with the need for each other. Hopefully, this will be holding Alec back from attempting suicide again. 

    Magnus almost wants to laugh at himself for letting those silly thoughts get to him again. He is being irrational. They can do it. They can heal. They are already making progress. Alec is in a better place than he used to be and he is opening up to him, more than ever. There is hope.

    Behind him, Alec’s breathing rhythm has changed; he’s waking up. And Magnus is suddenly overwhelmed by the same relief he has felt not so long ago when Alec finally  opened his eyes again.

    Alec thinks his eyes are boring. Magnus thinks they are beautiful. Magnus hates his own eyes, Alec thinks they are the most wonderful ones. And just thinking about it makes the older man smile.

    Alec eyes are big, huge even, they are doors to his soul, gentle and sweet. The unique shade of hazel just reinforce the feeling; not too dark but certainly not bright. The healthy middle. 

    Magnus eyes are amber, almost yellow. And he hates it. He’d rather have basic, normal deep brown eyes like most of the population. When he was a child, the other kids of the foster home used to make fun of him, or to be afraid of him. Just because of the colour of his eyes. When he reached adolescence, he started wearing brown lenses, and then, when he started getting confident, makeup. 

He thought he would get bullied again but he wore his confidence with so much conviction that he barely had any problems. 

He doesn’t wear lenses anymore, doesn’t even remember when and why he stopped, but he still hates his eyes, even when Alec loves them. 

Magnus turns slowly to face his boyfriend and he can’t help a small smile when he sees beautiful irises staring at him.

 

“Hi.” Alec says, his voice tired and sleepy.

“Hi.” Magnus answers.

 

His own voice must have sound more fragile than he intended it to be because Alec slightly frowns and put a hand on Magnus’ cheek, stroking it gently with his thumb.

 

“You okay?”

“Yes, I am.” He replies, breathlessly. “Just some thoughts nagging at me, nothing to worry about.”

“Is it-”

“No, Alec, it’s not your fault. Yesterday’s conversation for sure made them come but… It was a needed conversation and I’m glad we had it. It will help us in the future.”

 

Alec smiles softly and leans to kiss him, gently.

 

“Okay.” He simply says.

 

Alec never pushes him to talk and Magnus will never be thankful enough for that.

 

“What are your plans for today?”

“I’m going to Iz and Jace’s. I have lunch with them and then I’ll help Izzy for tonight’s dinner; God knows we can’t leave her alone in a kitchen.”

“Hmm, sounds fun; a whole day with Blondie. What about you cancel everything and we spend the day in bed?”

“Magnus.” Alec gently scowls. “You have work.”

“Don’t want to.”

“You have to talk with Raphael.”

“Don’t want to.”

“Magnus.” Alec sighs. “He didn’t mean to hurt you, you said it yourself and… Well, don’t talk to him if you don’t want to but don’t let that spoil your work.”

 

Magnus doesn’t answer, he knows Alec is right, so he lets the silence enveloping them as the younger starts caressing his cheek again. 

 

    “Do you remember what is the first thing you ever said to me?” Alec asks and smiles when his boyfriend chuckles.

    “I do as a matter of fact; It was my worst pickup line ever. Do you?”

    “Are you kidding me?” He laughs. “My mind went completely blank as soon as I saw you.”

    “Let me remind you then.” Magnus says before clearing his throat and deepening his voice. “I huh hi! I- erm I go- I better- I gotta go.”

 

    With great satisfaction, Magnus watches Alec turning red before he reaches for the cushion below him and gently hit the oldest with it.

 

    “Don't mock me!”

    “Aw but you were so cute!”

 

    Alec rolls his eyes and tucks his cushion back on the mattress.

    A light silence falls and Magnus can see his boyfriend thinking, a slight frown on his forehead.

 

    “Maybe I  _ was _ cute the first time I tried to talk to you but  _ you  _ freaked out the first time you told me that you loved me.” Alec proudly strikes back.

    “Oh now you’re just cruel, Alexander.”

 

    Alec just laughs at that and leans to softly kiss Magnus.

 

    “Would a breakfast in bed make up for my cruelty?”

    “Pancake and bacon.”

    “Your wish is my command.” Alec nods and pecks his boyfriend’s lips one last time before getting up.

 

    Magnus watches his boyfriend leaves the bedroom then grabs his cushion and hugs it, inhaling Alec’s smell, unable to stop smiling.

    How long has it been since he and Alec have been this intimate with each others, this close?

 

***

 

    “So he still is coming?” Jace asks, hope clear in his voice.

    “Why of course he is! Alec isn’t the kind to bail out on us, you know him!”

    “Do I really?”

“Oh come on Jace, of course you do, that doesn’t mean you get everything he is. Alec is really hard to get anyway, ask Magnus.” Isabelle Jokes, obviously trying to lighten up the mood.

 

Jace glares at her. Is she seriously playing with words right now? She raises her brows and the blonde lets out a sigh and shakes his head unable to stop the smile tugging at his lips. Isabelle smiles back, proud of her.

 

“Don’t you worry too much, he will be there and it will be the perfect occasion for you both to talk about what happened on Sunday.”

“Right.”

 

He wants to believe her, he really does, but it’s harder than it seems; not when he feels like his brother and he have turn to two perfect strangers with each others. 

Jace doesn’t remember ever fighting, really fighting, with Alec. They never have spend a day without at least texting each others but ever since their argument Alec hasn’t made any move toward him and it is weirdest thing to the younger sibling because Alec always make the first step and it’s always so easy to let him do so.

He realises again how much he relies on his brother, how much he always has, how much he still needs to. However, Isabelle is right: he must put his “big boy pants on” and make things right again with Alec. Because this time, Alec isn’t going to do it for him. If he strongly hates every bit of it, he will still swallow his pride; he loves his brother even more.

The problem when you have to make the first step for the first time is that it is really hard, near impossible, to know how to do it. And Jace can’t push down the anxiety that is already rising in him and no matter how much he wishes he could convince himself that everything will be fine, he can’t shake off the bad feeling he has about this; he is almost certain he is going to mess up again, that’s what he always do after all. Isn’t it?

 

***

 

The office is silent when Magnus arrives, both of his friends and colleagues highly concentrated in their work; Raphael sketching what is probably a suit and Tessa is taking measurements on a mahogany silk fabric. He can’t help but feeling a little nervous, he did leave quite dramatically yesterday and he has no doubt it didn’t make the best effect on his friends. He is aware that it hadn’t been very mature of him and hopes they will forgive him for his -legitimated- outburst.

 

    “Hey.” He tentatively greets.

 

    Tessa raises her head and gives him a nod. She is obviously not very please with him leaving so abruptly yesterday - which is understandable-. He softly smiles at her as a way to apology and she smiles back; they both know she isn’t the one he as to voice apologies to.

    Magnus walks to Raphael, who still hasn’t voice a word, and sits next to him.

 

    “Listen, Raphael.” He says so the younger man doesn’t walk away from him. “I shouldn’t have lash out on you yesterday, I know you were trying to help, I’m sorry.”

 

    Raphael huffs and put his graphic tablet down.

 

    “Don’t be stupid Magnus, you know I’m the one who should say sorry. What I said was unfair. To you and to Alec. You’re right though, I did want to help you, but it wasn’t the right way. I’m just worried about you you know? Alec isn’t doing so well and therefore I understand why you are worrying but, you aren’t at your best either. And I’m afraid that if you focus too much on him you will forget about yourself, like with Camille.”

    “Okay, I get it. But you are aware that the situation is completely different than it was with Camille and that she and Alec are two completely opposite.”

    “No shit.” Raphael acknowledges bluntly.

    “And don’t worry about me forgetting myself, you are there to remind me myself, and so is Alexander. Even when he is at his worst he takes the time to check up on me. He even made me breakfast in bed this morning.” 

    “So romantic.” Raphael snorts and fakes being disgusted. “But I’m glad. He and I have our misunderstanding but I’m really glad that you found him; he really cares about you.”

    “Thank you Raphael.”

 

    Raphael shrugs and takes his tablet back. 

 

    “You know I know Alec is good for you right? And I don’t hate him. But everyone loves him in our friend’s circle, Catarina even did you a shovel talk, she did one to both of you. Even Ragnor likes him. Alec needs to have a friend of yours he is afraid of.”

    “Alec isn’t afraid of you.” Magnus snorts.

    “Yeah whatever.”

    “Thank you Raphael.” He says again after a short silence and smiles when Raphael shrugs again. “For everything.”

 

    Magnus gets up and gently squeeze his friend’s shoulder before he too goes to work.

    It’s not always so easy to make peace with Raphael but Magnus is glad it is the case there and though he thought it would be much harder, he isn’t surprised; Raphael knows how to put his pride beside him when makes a mistake and he knows how to accept that his point of view isn’t the only one, it’s a quality the older man likes a lot about him. Now, he can just hope Alec and Jace will be able to do the same. Tonight’s dinner might be a catastrophe if they don’t.

    He takes a deep breath and clears his thoughts; there was some truth in Raphael’s words; he needs to focus more on his work: he has a client to satisfy, a client that could make is little company much bigger and maybe even famous.

    The thought only makes him smile; his dream could become reality.

 

***

 

    When the bell rings, Isabelle almost jump on the door to welcome his brother. She proclaimed Tuesday as their sibling’s day for two reasons: one, she doesn’t have classes on the afternoon and two, Jace does, which means more time with their big brother for her.

    She opens to Alec with a huge grin plastered on her face. Alec smiles back and takes her into a quick hug.

 

    “Hello Iz, how was your morning?” He asks as she leads him to the living room.

    “It was great, Maïa and I got the best grades, again.” She proudly reveals.

    “I don’t know if I should be proud or scared of your achievements.” Alec softly chuckles and looks around him, a small frown on his forehead.

    “Jace isn’t here yet; he is buying us some sushis.” She announces and her brother’s relieved sighs doesn’t escape her.  “I know what happened, do you want to talk about it before he arrives.”

 

    Alec slowly shakes his head, she doesn’t insist.

    There was a time where she would have push, but she understands it isn’t the way. It didn’t work for Jace, there is no reason why it would work with her. Alle she can do is smile and accept that her big brother won’t confide in her. 

    It hurts her somehow, she wishes she could help, she wishes he would rely on her. Even more so she needs it. In an almost unhealthy way, she thinks, it shouldn’t matter so much, she shouldn’t need to keep her love ones together to keep herself together as well.

 

    “What about a drink then?” She asks with a smile.

    “I’ll take whatever you have that doesn’t involve alcohol.”

    “Pineapple juice it is!” She laughs “And Pina-colada for me!”

    “Seriously? Izzy?”

    “What? It’s not like I’m going to get drunk, nor like I have class this afternoon.”

 

    Her brother rolls his eyes and she knows she has won. Winking at him, she walks to the kitchen.

    Alec follows her like he doesn’t want to be alone and she try not to worry. She hopes, in fact, that he will actually open up to her now, that she will be helpful, that she will be useful.

    Being the little sister always meant that others would take care of her. Alec, mainly, Jace, often. She always was the one being protected. But not anymore. Things have changed since Alec’s attempt. She has known for a little time what it is to be the one in charge, the one who is needed and she has liked it. Probably too much because now that things are slowly getting better, she is scared of losing that position.

 

    “I’m meeting Clary’s friends, Saturday.” She reveals when her brother still doesn’t talk.

    “Oh, big step then?”

    “I don’t know, I think?”

    “How are things doing with her? I meant to ask before but…” He trails of.

    “Don’t worry it’s okay. And… Well, things are great but, it’s different that what it used to be, back in high school. 

    “In a good way or in a bad way?”

    “Bad way, I guess? I mean, I know we both changed and though we’re still close and have common points on a lot of things and love each other… It’s like… It’s like we don’t really connect anymore, you know?”

    “Yeah I… Well, it’s not a romantic situation to me but… I know what you mean. With Ja-”

 

    Alec is cut by the sound of the door opening. He gives a quick nervous smile to Isabelle and joins the living room to greet their brother.

    Isabelle is left in the kitchen, disappointed and frustrated. Why did Jace have to come back _ now _ ? Like in a bad movie. She takes a deep breath before joining them, a little nervous.

    The lunch goes quite smoothly, though Jace and Alec don’t really talk to each others, they don’t argue and the sushis are delicious. Maybe everything will be alright after all…

    She knows she has talked too soon the second Jace opens his mouth.

 

    “Alec?” He calls and wait for the oldest Lightwood to look at him. “I’m sorry, for Sunday. I was just worried and trying to have you talk to me, since you seems to avoid me as much as possible ever since you were released from the hospital.”

 

    With the softness he used to call Alec, Isabelle guesses he didn’t mean to be as bitter as he sounded. He probably just let his emotions and frustration take yet again the best of him. But she doesn’t think Alec realises it; she watches his face turning from stunned for the sudden outburst to furious and she doesn’t understand, how can his emotions shift that hard and that fast? 

 

    “I don’t know Jace, maybe I just don’t want to talk with someone who only seems to care about me the day I tried to end myself.” Alec says flatly but the small tremor in his voice betrays him.

    “Excuse me?!”

 

    Panic rises in Izzy and the tension that has been building up, the anger that has been buried deep in both of her brother is threatening to explode. She knew something like that could happen one day, that her brothers, though inseparable, were lacking communication and that it will backfire at them. She just hoped to have them talk to each others before. She just had hope to help them avoid it. She just had hope it wouldn’t happen today.

 

    “Things were always about you Jace! I was just following you like a puppy dog and you were always with your friends! You never noticed my anxiety, my panic attacks, my face the mornings after several insomnias! You never noticed I was depressed and you ended up siding with our parents the day I came out to them!”

    “I didn’t!”

    “Well it felt like it!”

    “I  _ SAVED _ YOU THAT DAY !” Jace yells

    “WELL BUT MAYBE I DIDN’T WANT TO BE SAVED!” Alec screams back, almost desperately so, slamming his hand on the table and getting up so fast his chair is knocked over.

 

    Isabelle’s trembling hands fly to her mouth, holding back her gasp and she watches Jace expression going from rage to downright horrified. Silence falls and everything stay still for a while. Then Jace stands up and walks to Alec whose breathing is ragged and loud.

 

    “Take that back.” Jace commands, voice shaking.

 

    Alec doesn’t say a word. His eyes, locked with Jace’s, determined, provocatives, pushing the limits.

 

    “Take it back!” Jace cries, grabbing Alec by the collar, wordlessly threatening him.

 

    Alec’s jaw clenches and Isabelle wants nothing more but stopping them from fighting. But she is petrified and can only watch. She wants to cry but the tears won’t fall down. She wants to screams but her voice won’t come out. She wants to call someone; Maia, Magnus, her girlfriend… But she can’t bring herself to tear her eyes away from the scene happening before her; as if something terrible would happen if she does.

 

    “You don’t have any clue of how it felt for us to find you dying on the floor do you? How much it hurt us. Now take. It. Back.” Jace growls.

 

    Alec’s lips part like he is going to say something and for an instant Isabelle thinks he might apology to Jace, to her, to them.

 

    “Don’t worry, next time you won’t find me.” He says instead, his voice hoarse.

 

    No one sees it coming. Isabelle is sure even Jace didn’t, as his fist throw itself at Alec’s jaw. She knows it because he immediately let the oldest go and his arms fall lifelessly to his side.

    Alec bring his hand to his bruised jaw and shakes his head. There is no sign of victory though he provoked Jace. There is no sign of anything; his face is totally blank. She wants to stop him when he starts to gather his belongings. But she still can’t move.

 

    “Dinner is cancelled.” Alec announces, his voice barely a whisper.

 

    And then he leaves.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What Alec feels about sharp objects... like the razor there... I put it there because, this is basically me. I don't cut myself anymore. I'm clean from that since a little more than a year (and for some reasons I might include in this story I can't do it again anyway) but the thought of doing it, when I see some sharp objects, it pleases me, so much. And it should not.
> 
> The fear that things will never, ever, get better is one of my deepest fear. It's a fear that must be fought and I'm fighting against it every day. Because of course, it's hard to let go all the pain we held. It is stuck, glued and it's hard to get it off.
> 
> It had to explode between Jace and Alec. Sometimes you really don't need much for this kind of situation to happen. Sometimes just a look, a stare is enough. But it can't get worse now can it?
> 
> Did you notice the introduction to Izzy's arc? 
> 
> I also really wanted to do the Jalec fight in her point of view. When people fight in front of someone else, especially someone who love both parts, it doesn't only affect them, it also affects and hurt the person who witness the fight. And it's important to know that, to take it into consideration. Because sometimes that person will try to interfer only be told it's not their business, but you fight in front of them, it somehow become their business too.


	20. Pride and Forgiveness

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there!  
> A little early again because I'm going back home for the week end tomorrow!  
> I loved writing this chapter so I hope you will love reading it!

    Isabelle’s heart is broken. Split between her two brothers. Ripped with the need of running after the oldest and the impossibility of abandoning the blonde in their apartment.

    Jace looks like he is about to cry, to burst into tears. It looks like his knees are going to give away and let him drop on the floor.

    And she wants to blame him. She really does. But she can’t. She needs the anger. She needs to give someone the responsibility of what just happened. And she wants it to be Jace because Jace is just in front of her and that would be so easy to take it all on him. She wants to be unfair and selfish. But Isabelle can’t and it breaks her.

    Jace is the first one to move again, seemingly taking back control of his members before Izzy as he takes a few steps toward her. He looks up and he meets her eyes. She doesn’t know what he reads in it but it makes him bow his head again and stepping back. She watches him leave the living room for his room.

    And just like that, she is alone.

    She doesn’t cry though, no, she lets her legs guide her to the couch and she sits, thinking.

    She needs to help her brothers. She fears that if she doesn’t they will never talk to each others again and that can’t be happening. She needs to fix this.

    But maybe Isabelle is wrong. And maybe they can get through this by themselves. Maybe she should trust them. She knows they love each others and that they are just as much best friends than they are brothers. But she needs to be the one fixing this.

    She needs them to need her.

 

***

 

    His head is spinning or maybe it is the world all together, but it’s making Alec feel sick and dizzy. His jaw his aching but he doesn’t care; he knows he asked for it, he was purposely cruel and he deserved it in return. He thinks about Isabelle and how he left her, unfairly, the dinner he cancelled knowing well how she was excited about it, and all the words he has said to enrage and hurt Jace, forgetting an instant about how much it could pain his sister as well. God, he hates himself. And he doesn’t want to go back. And he was so angry still.

    He hates Jace’s bitter tone and he hates that Jace is right when he says that Alec has no clue how it must have been for them to find him that day.

    Alec is torn and can’t figure out if he regrets his words or not but he knows they were true. When he tried to kill himself, he didn’t want to be saved. And if tries again… He didn’t say that he will but if he  _ does _ , he will make sure no one finds him; he will make sure he succeeds. 

    He hopes they didn’t call Magnus. He doesn’t want to explain what he said and why he said it to him, to them, to anyone. He doesn’t want to justify himself. He doesn’t want to be watch again. 

    He finds it difficult to breath and stand so he leans on the closest wall and tries to remember  his breathing exercises but can’t quite apply them. Why can’t he do this simple thing? God, he is so stupid.

He slides on the floor and closes his eyes. He needs to focus.

On any other circumstances he would have felt ashamed to sit there on the dirty concrete, but he doesn’t right now; no one seems to care anyway.

He wants to call his psychiatrist, but he doesn’t know what to say to  her. He doesn’t want to tell her how much of a failure he is. She probably knows it anyway.

He thinks about calling Catarina, but she will probably worry and call Magnus. He doesn’t want Magnus to worry as well. She is probably busy anyway.

Maybe he should go back to his siblings, but it’s out of the question. He disappointed them and hurt them. They are probably angry anyway.

Maybe he could go home and hide under the blankets, or have a good warm bath and watch shows on the TV. But he doesn’t feel like it. He doesn’t really want to be alone anyway.

Maybe he should go to the shooting field. He doesn’t even have to go home, they can rent him a bow and some arrows. But he doesn’t have the strength. He doesn’t really want to anyway.

Maybe he could go to Magnus’ office in the end. He could pretend that it is a surprise. But then he would have to explain that the dinner is canceled and why. His jaw is bruised and he doesn’t want to explain that right now either. Magnus is probably busy anyway.

Alec misses the time he was strong enough to just take everything on him, to bury it deep enough so it doesn’t affect his day much, so he can carry on.

He misses the time where he was practically fearless and with just a few deep breaths would be able to move on from whatever upseted him.

He misses the time where decisions were easy to make; where he just had to suck it up and not tell anyone. And everything was fine, better, so much easier.

Things have changed and he can’t lie anymore and he can’t bury pain and anger anymore and he can’t make decisions on what to do when everything is too much.

And so he stays there, numb and hardly breathing, not knowing what to do.

_ God he hates himself. _

 

***

 

Jace doesn’t know how long Izzy and he stayed without moving, transfixed, after Alec left but when they take back the control of their limbs they both know it’s far too late for them to run after him.. He can’t believe he just hit his brother. How could he dare?

It has been about five minutes since he has slowly go to his room, like a punished child under Isabelle sad and disappointed look, and the fight still hasn’t stopped replaying in his head.

Thinking back at it, Alec is right. Jace never really showed his brother how much he meant to him and he never wanted to pay attention to any trouble the older man could have with anything or anyone because of the fear to hurt himself in the process. It’s true that he always was and is the center of the attention, that he is always surrounded by people, people he never even really likes, people he barely knows. And it’s true that for too long he’d rather go out with them than pay attention to Alec.

    Thinking back at it, he never listened to his best friend, his brother, Alec. He never listened to what he had to say nor what he left unsaid. And he should have, God he should have.

    Thinking back at it, he always relies on Alec but Alec doesn’t,  _ can’t _ , rely on him.

    Thinking back at it, it was very pretentious from him to say he saved Alec. Because he didn’t. He certainly didn’t. The medics did. The surgeon did and Isabelle did, when she gave her blood for him. He never saved Alec, he just wishes he had.  

    And now he hit him.

Why isn’t life a movie? If it was all those problems would already have been resolved and they’d all be happy again.

Why is everything so complicated and why is his family so broken? Broken like it can never be fixed.

And Alec’s word are still ringing in his mind, buzzing on his ears, scaring him so much his hands are shaking. 

The soft knock on the door makes him jump but he doesn’t say anything; Isabelle enters by herself anyway when he doesn’t answer and this time is no exception. She goes in and sits next to him on the bed. 

 

“I don’t blame you.” She says. “I just want you to know that.”

“Maybe you should.”

“No, it would be too easy.” She answers and tries a smile. “And I would probably have punched him too; he shouldn’t have said that.”

“Doesn’t mean I should have hit him. It came before I realise it.”

“I know.”

 

Isabelle sighs and puts her arms around his broad shoulders, pulling him close.

 

    “It wasn’t the best way, but I think that this argument was needed.”

    “Yeah?”

    “Yeah. Next time you see each others, you can both apology and put it behind you.”

    “God I hope so.”

    “Magnus is going to kill you though.” 

Jace can’t help laughing a little at that.

 

“Definitely.”

 

***

“What’s wrong?”

 

Magnus looks up from his phone to see his colleagues questioning face and sighs.

 

“Alec just texted me that the dinner with his siblings was cancelled and to not “bother” leaving work earlier to go directly at their’s.” He explains. “Except the dinner wouldn’t be cancelled if his lunch with them had gone well.”

    “So you’re worried again?” 

“Not about what he could do, I’m worried about him not being well for several days in a row. It has not happen very often since he is on meds so...”

“Do you remember what it used to be like that for us? When we didn’t know why we couldn’t have at least one good day?” Raphael asks sitting with him. 

 

Magnus remembers well his days in foster care. He still knows the rules of the home they were in, Raphael, he and at least five other boys, he remember the tutors and their abuse, their words and their blows, the humiliation and the fear they all lived in. How most of them had given up on hope and studies and laws.     He remembers the ones who had been separated from their sisters and the one who started doing drugs; anything to forget how they had to live.

    He still laughs when he sees the ads and everything that his promoting foster homes; how they dare promoting happiness and hope and a future only few of them could reach.

    He will never forget how much Raphael and he have hold on onto each others to keep their head out of the water, how they both have fight not to drown.

    He is so proud that they did it.  They fought and cry and fell and got up again and again, and again, until they won. 

 

“How could I forget?” He answers with a sad smile.

 

Raphael smiles back and it feels like they are connecting again, just like they used to in their foster home.

 

“But we did it, Magnus, look where we are today.”

“Not everyone did.”

‘But  _ we _ did. And Alec will too.” He says.

 

Magnus nods and gives him a smile.

 

“Maybe you’re not that bad at comforting in the end.”

“Don’t get your hopes too high Magnus, I’ve been trying to phrase this all morning.” He laughs. “I needed to make it up for yesterday. To make you see my point without… All my awkwardness.”

    “Thank you Raph’. What you just said really is what I needed to hear right now.” 

“Do you want to leave early today?”

“No it’s okay.” Magnus replies shaking his head. “I left early yesterday already. Too early. And you are right, I can’t always skip work because I’m worried. I’m sure he will call me if he needs me to be with him.” He adds but sounds like he is trying to convince himself.

“You know he could comes here too.” Tessa says as she raises her tea cup to her lips and blow a little on the hot beverage. “You say he inspires you  _ and _ we could try some of our creations on him.”

“Well good luck with that.” Magnus chuckles. “But I could ask him.”

“As long as he doesn’t touch my stuffs, I’m not against it.” Raphael adds with a shrug.

 

Magnus almost tears up. Not because of Raphael but because of the support his colleagues, his  _ friends, _ give him. He had never expect that. Of course he knew that they wouldn’t let him down and for month they didn’t and waited for his anguish to diminish. But it hasn’t. And now they are offering what could be a solution and he realises once more how lucky he is to have them.

 

“Thank you.” He softly says. “Thank you so much.”

 

***

The silence of the apartment is deafening, painfully deafening. He doesn’t know why he had end up coming home because everything is too big, huge, for him right now. The bed and the couch are too spacious and he himself feels too tall, too big in his own body. He doesn’t even dare speaking fearing that his voice will be too loud, harsh, lonely.

‘I’m not okay.’ He wants to say. ‘I’m not fine!” He wants to scream. 

He thinks again about going to the shooting field but he knows how that could end. He knows how it ended the last time he felt this way. He had shot and shot and shot until it hurt, until it bled. Magnus hadn’t say anything, but he hadn’t have to. Alec could read the worry and the pain in his eyes, feel it emanating from his boyfriend like a thick steam. It was a year ago, on Max death’s day. Later, Magnus had told him to go to him if he ever feels like that again. He never has dared yet.

    Alec closes his eyes for a second and sink in one of the velvet chair Magnus loves so much, wrapping the blanket decorating it around him with one hand, holding his phone on the other, hesitating. Magnus is working but Magnus also said that Alec could never bother him.

    He doesn’t have time to think further, his sister’s name suddenly flashes across the screen and the loud ringtone goes off making him jump on his seat.

    For a few seconds he doesn’t know what to do. Why is she calling him? Is it to yell at him for leaving? Or for cancelling dinner? For the words he said? All of the above? Or maybe, he thinks again, she is only worried. She wants to make sure he is okay. She wants to make sure he didn’t try again. Maybe it’s that. And if he doesn’t answer she will call Magnus and he doesn’t want Magnus to learn about what he told Jace from anyone but himself.

    Taking a deep breathe, Alec answers, he just doesn’t say anything, yet.

 

    “Alec?”

    “... Yeah?”

    “Oh thanks God you’re okay.” She sighs loudly in relief. “Alec, I’m sorry, for what happened with Jace I-”

    “Don’t apology Iz…” He gently cuts her off. “None of this is your fault.”

    “Still I-”

    “I’m the one who’s sorry.” He says and is surprised by how easy it is to talk when it shouldn’t be. “For what I said to Jace, I’m sorry. Even if I wanted to hurt him I shouldn’t have said that. And… I’m not planning on trying again. I swear to you Iz.”

    “You said you didn’t want to be saved…” She almost whispers on the phone.

“Yes, but I’m glad I was.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

 

***

 

Isabelle lets a relieved breath out. Some would call her naïve for believing her suicidal brother, but she can’t help; she needs to believe him.

 

    “Jace is really sorry you know…” She tries.

    “He can say it to me by himself”

    “Will you even listen?”

 

    There is a silence at the other side of the line. She supposes Alec is thinking about his answer. She is not surprised by the time he takes. Jace hit him and they both said regrettable things to each others, it’s not something either of them can let go so easily. She knows if, for any reason, someone she loves hit her she wouldn’t want to talk with them for a long time. But Alec and Jace… They are different and they need each others, she has no doubt about it. They can’t stay apart for too long. It might kill them. There is a reason why they never fought before… isn’t there?

 

    “Yes.” Alec simply answers.

 

    Isabelle smiles softly and nods; Jace who has been sitting next to her for all this time, squirming impatiently next to her almost snatches the phone from her hands and she sighs at the childish gesture.

    She stands up and quietly leave the room, giving her brothers the intimacy they need.

    She knows it will not solve everything between them but talking over the phone might help them more than face to face. At least she hopes so; they both lost too much already to lost each others as well.

    And she doesn’t want to be in the middle of yet another battle. It’d hurt too much.

    Guilt strikes her again when she realise how please she’ll be if she is the one who fixed their relationship. How much she’d love it.

 

***

 

    When Magnus comes home, holding take out bags from one of their favourite restaurant, Alec has, without even realising it, fallen asleep on the chair and is snoring softly. His conversation with Jace was long and exhausting, maybe even more than the one he had with Magnus; fixing things, fixing his relationship with his brother is harder that he would have thought. 

    They agreed not to talk to each others before the next weekly dinner, giving themselves time to breathe away from each others. They obviously need some distance before they make peace.

They talked about the fight and they talked about what happened the night Alec tried to kill himself. Alec didn’t cry this this time, like he did with Magnus. 

There is something reassuring, for Alec, about talking over the phone. He doesn’t have to see any judging look he think he could get. He doesn’t have to face the person. He is almost free to say what he really thinks and wants and the worst that could happen is being hand up on. He doesn’t need to worry about too much yelling because he can hang up as well or at least putting the phone away. It’s easier.

Alec didn’t tell Jace, because he doesn’t want it to be easy for him, because he doesn’t want to make it easy, because he doesn’t want their relationship to go there again, but he already forgave him.

    It's scary how easy it is, sometimes, to forgive someone you love… Alec wishes it was always like that; he often wonders if his parents will ever forgive him for not being the son they wish he would be.

The feeling of a light shake on his shoulder wakes him up. Slowly and with difficulty, Alec opens his eyes to face his boyfriend.

Magnus has worry written all over his features; his brows are frowned, his jaw is clenched and Alec can read in his eyes all of the emotions that are currently passing through his mind.

 

“Hey…” He sleepily greets.

“Hey.” Magnus replies. “Alec… What happened to your face?” He asks after a pause, gently brushing the bruise area with the tip of his fingers.

“Jace…”

“Jace? Jace hit you?!”

“More like punched.”

“Punched?!” Magnus almost screeches. “Jace _ punched _ you?!”

 

Alec presses his lips together, now fully awake, of course he knew that Magnus wouldn’t take it well but he looks so furious that it still surprises him. He doesn’t even imagine how worse it is going to be when he’ll learn the reason why Jace became violent.

 

“Look Mag-”

“I’m going to _ kill  _ him.” He announces as he stands up.

“Magnus!”

“What?! You want me to see and say nothing?!”

“Yes because I deserved it!”

“Alexander, believe me you-”

“I said things I shouldn’t have say.” Alec cuts. “Magnus, really, I provoked him. I pushed too far; I wanted to hurt him.”

Magnus sighs and kneels back before Alec.

 

“What did you say?”

 

The demand is firm yet gentle, like he knows what this will be about, like he knows Alec brought his attempt in their fight. Maybe he thinks he blamed his brother for it. And Alec knows it’s the moment he has to tell the truth to Magnus but he doesn’t know if he is ready to hurt his boyfriend again. He has done that way too much in the past few months and he is scared that he could be toxic for him now. He is scared Magnus will end up leaving him when he’ll realise how bad Alec is for him and how he constantly puts him in pain. 

 

“Before I tell you I have to explain that what I said… I didn’t really mean it or these are things that I used to think… Okay?” He says and waits for Magnus to nod before taking a deep breath. “He told me that he saved me that day and… I was so furious because the lunch had been going great until he started to be aggressive with me. So I told him that maybe I didn’t want to be saved... But that was before! I swear Magnus I’m glad I was saved! I really am!”

“It’s okay.” Magnus softly answers.

“Then he blamed me for that I didn’t know how it had felt for he and Izzy to find me.”

 

Magnus closes his eyes and Alec has no doubt he knows what is coming.

 

“I just- I wanted him to hurt and… I told him that next time he won't find me…” He explains. “Hence the punch” He adds, shamefully bowing his head.

 

Magnus gets up. Alec knows it because his boyfriend pushes on the fabric of the chair to help himself.

Magnus says nothing. He sits on the couch and he doesn’t even sigh. 

Alec’s heart falls at the pit of his stomach and he doesn’t dare to move.

 

“Magnus please say something.” He begs when he finally finds the strength to look at his boyfriend.

 

Alec thought Magnus would be tense, his jaw clenched and his features hard and unreadable. But Magnus’ shoulders are slumped, his jaw isn’t clenched and his features are soft. And Alec doesn’t know how to read that. 

 

    “Magnus, please, anything.”

    “I’m still going to kill him.”

    “But-”

    “No, Alec.” He cuts firmly and finally,  _ finally _ , sighs heavily and lets the tension out. “I understand him and he is entitled to be angry at you for you tried to leave us few months ago. And he has the right to react badly because what you said… It was unfair and I’m not going to lie and say that it doesn’t sadden me that you had to use those words to hurt him, but I do understand you also and I get why you did it; we all say things we don’t mean but that doesn’t mean you should get hit or  _ punched _ for that instance.” He takes a deep breath. “You remember how I told you about my time in foster care and how awful it was right?”

    “Yeah… Of course.”

    “Well, I once was so angry that I said to my caretakers that I wished my father had killed me so I wouldn’t be there with them. So I get it and I’m not angry, I promise. I just needed time to process.”

    “I’m sorry.”

    “I know and I will not say ‘it’s okay’ because it definitely isn’t; say something like that again and you’re back on being surveillance is this clear?” He says and Alec nods. “On another hand, Alexander, I forgive you, because it seems you learnt your lesson, and I’m glad you said what happened, to me.” Magnus smiles softly. “That being said, the smell of this delicious Ethiopian food isn’t calming my hunger. Are you hungry?”

 

    Alec chuckles softly.

 

    “Yeah, I’m quite hungry.” He admits.

    “Great, set the table please, I’ll fix us some drinks. You have much more appetite these days, I’m glad Alexander, it means you’re getting better, in some ways.”

    “I guess, yes.”

 

    They spend the rest of the night eating and drinking, mostly drinking. Magnus is too fast when he talk and he shakes a little when he prepares the cocktails and Alec knows why. Alec knows that no matter what his boyfriend says he hasn’t forgive him just yet.

Magnus is easy to read when he is upset with him. He can keep his calm and be unreadable with others but as soon as it is about Alec, he is like an open book.

 

“Tell me Alexander, what would you say about coming to work with me tomorrow? Tessa brought it up earlier and Raphael agreed. Would you like it? We won’t force you to try on our creations.”

 

Alec knows why Magnus says that. He wants to watch him again. He has worried him to that point. Alec sighs, he wishes he could say refuse. He wants to say no and he wants to accuse Magnus of not trusting him and he wants to be angry. But he isn’t angry and he knows Magnus trusts him and he doesn’t even want to say no. He can’t refuse. Not when he doesn’t want to be alone as well.

 

“Yeah, okay.” He answers. “And… Maybe I wouldn’t mind to try on some of  _ your  _ creations.” He adds, eager to please and comfort his boyfriend.

 

Magnus smiles and his eyes shine bright. There is no way Alec can get out of this now and there is nothing in the world that could, he hopes, makes him regret it. But Magnus is kissing him now, his hands behind Alec’s neck and body pressed against him and Alec knows, he just knows, that just for that, it worth everything. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So umm... Not doing what to do/who to call during a panick attack is basically me, but everyone can have different way to react, so if you can't related it doesn't mean that either of our reaction is invalid, we are just different :)
> 
> Jace needed to be shaken off to really realise thing and I almost sorry things had to happen this way, their relationship is going to be healthier now.  
> The decision they made... It's not something I did with any of my siblings but something I did with a friend two years ago and it really allowed me to think back and understand what was wrong. Though this will not be the case there, I must say that in the end, I decided not to stay friend with them because though I liked them very much they were very controlling and toxic. Sometimes hard choices must be made. I miss them sometimes, but I'm for sure happier without them.
> 
> Yes Alec is glad he was saved, because now he can see that things, though still are hard, can get better and that he is loved and that people care and would be devastated if he died.
> 
> Raph and Magnus backstory. I never went to foster care but I know for a fact that it's rarely the greatest place of the planet. Some are probably excellent, I don't say they are all bad and I'm sure that some are really helpful and actually care about their resident. But it sadly wasn't the case for Magnus and Raphael.  
> It's not rare on hard situation to related on someone, someone that somehow looks like you, that is what happened to Raph and Magnus there and let's say it's great that they found each others <3
> 
> As many of you had guessed, no, Magnus certainly doesn't like Jace hiting Alec but he doesn't like either what Alec said and I decided to let Alec be honest there because communication is important and yeah, it was better for Magnus to learn it from Alec rather than someonelse. I love drama but I didn't want to over do it too much.
> 
> I hope you all enjoyed it and I'll see you in two weeks!
> 
> (-STAY TUNED- A christmas bonus might come)
> 
> kisses!


	21. Christmas Bonus

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there!  
> First of all, I'm so sorry, I wanted to post a bonus and the chapter in the week but I've gotten so busy I didn't have the time to write...  
> But hey... you still get the bonus and I'll try to be faster writing the next chapter!  
> I hope you all had a wonderful christmas or a wonderful holiday/week if you don't celebrate Christmas!  
> Thank you so much for sticking up with me !

_3 years earlier, Christmas Eve._

 

    It has been a long,  _ long _ , time since Magnus has been so excited about Christmas. Of course, Magnus is always excited about Christmas, it's a time where he usually make a small get together with his friends and he always has fun and laugh a lot… but this is different.

    This time he gets to spend it with Alec, his Alexander, his  _ boyfriend _ .

    The last time he spent a Christmas with a partner was with Camille and it had been horrible. She had ruined Christmas and blame it all on him. She had belittle him in front of everyone. 

    But Alec, sweet Alec, would never do that; Magnus knows; Alec always do everything he can so Magnus is happy and smiling. And he gets along with his friends, especially Ragnor and Catarina. And Magnus can't blame him for having difficulties with Raphael. Raphael is not easy.

    Magnus doesn't know how Alec convinced his parents to let him stay in New York for Christmas but he is certainly glad for it.

    He met Alec this summer, the latter was moving in to live just across his apartment. It's a day Magnus isn't about to forget. He will forever remember seeing him with his brother and sister, walking to the trunk then yelling at them for they weren't helping. He will always remember how his heart skipped a beat at sight of the tall,  _ incredibly _ tall, handsome man. And he will never forget the blush when he flirted with him.

    This was the day Magnus started believing into love at first sight.

    It hadn't been easy though, to win Alec over even when he knew the younger man was attracted to him. Because Alec, at the time, was still closeted to the whole world and only his sister, Isabelle, knew he was gay. But Magnus hadn't give up,  _ couldn't _ give up, on him. And eventually, three months ago, thanks to his patience and understanding, Alec opened up to him. Alec gave him a chance. 

    Magnus doesn't expect anything from Alec though, he wants his boyfriend to go at his own rhythm and he certainly didn't expect to spend Christmas with him. That's why he was more than surprised when Alec told his siblings he was dating him and wanted -will- spend Christmas with him instead of coming home.

    Of course, Magnus knows already that his boyfriend's relationship with his parents is complicated and Alec told him he has not had an happy Christmas in years. Still, this had been a surprise.

    Magnus doesn't care that this might be a little early in their relationship to spend Christmas together and he doesn't care for his friends making fun of him, saying he is smitten, he knows that, and he doesn't care for them laughing and making fun of him together for bailing on them tonight.

    Magnus doesn’t care; Magnus is  _ in love _ . So much. So much Magnus thinks he might never really has been in love before.

    He hasn't said it yet though, too afraid that it might be too fast, that Alec might flee. He has fought too long already, to win Alec over, that he wouldn't bear losing him so soon.

    Magnus sighs contently as he sets down the last candle. He’s afraid he’s done too much but he's proud of the results. Now, he just has to finish cooking the dinner and wait for Alec.

***

    Living across your boyfriend's apartment has a lot of advantages: you can't be late, you can see him -almost- whenever you want and you can even spend the night when you have class on the morning. Alec finds himself very lucky for that… But right now, he also finds himself stressing and pacing and glancing at his watch every few minutes. 

    Magnus said to come at height, it's barely seven and Alec just wish it was time already; he isn't used to be alone. He is used to have is brother and his sister with him and when they are not, he is with Magnus, so it feels a little lonely to be there alone.

    Magnus, he must admits, is a real surprise from New York; Alec would never  have dare imagine someone like him to help him out of the closet.

    Because Magnus is everything Alec isn't: he is bright and happy and daring and unashamed. He can be loud like he can soft. He is confident and he is proud. He wears clothes and makeup as if everyday was a party. And he is beautiful. So beautiful Alec lose his breath every time he sees him, every time he thinks about him.

    It hasn't been hard for Alec to choose to stay in New York for the holidays so he can stay with Magnus. His parents aren't fond of him and he sometimes even think they hate him… Ever since the accident. The tragedy that hit his family last years. They hadn't even seem to care when he told them on the phone that he’d rather stay in and study instead of coming home.  _ Home _ . His parents’ house doesn't feel like home. Not anymore.

    He shakes his head, trying to get the dark thoughts of his mind and he looks at the time again, it's almost half past seven. Maybe he can try to go at Magnus, maybe Magnus won't mind him coming a little early.

    He looks at the little packages on the table, the presents he wrapped neatly for Magnus, and suddenly fears his boyfriend won't like it. What if he doesn't like it? Worse; what if he  _ hates _ it? Maybe he should have asked Isabelle for help. She is better at jewellery than he is. What if he should not have went for jewellery? What if this isn't right to gift a jewel only few months in a relationship? Maybe he should only bring the makeup he bought with his sister? Was it too much to buy two presents? 

    Alec closes his eyes, takes a deep breath and grabs both the gifts and the wine he bought before he can think twice about it.

    All too soon, he is in front of Magnus’ door, his finger on the bell.

***

    When the bell rings Magnus is just done decorating the log cake and he hurries putting it on the fridge and takes his apron off to open the door. He can't help a bright smile to take place on his face as he sees his boyfriend, hands behind his back, bouncing nervously on his feet, his cheeks flushed. He is wearing a denim shirt and a pair of black tight pants with the combats boots they bought together. Magnus’ heart skips a beat.

    “Alexander! You’re early!”

    He watches, with horror, panic rising in his boyfriend's eyes.

    “I-I’m… Sorry. I-I can go back and-”

    “Alec,” Magnus cuts gently. “You will do no such thing, I'm always happy to have you there and even glad that you arrived early as it allows me to spend more time with you.” He winks and see Alec relax.

    “I brought the wine…”

    Magnus smiles and takes the bottle Alec hands to him before putting his now free hand behind his boyfriend's neck and pulling him close to kiss him.

    “Hi.” He whispers when his lips leave Alec’s.

    “Hi.” Alec smiles, shyly.

    Once inside, Magnus watches, with wonder, Alec putting presents under the tree and blushing profusely when he sees his. He seems surprised that it is even there, like he wouldn't get any presents, like he didn't expect anything just like he doesn't expect anything from Alec. Maybe this is why they work so well together. Because they are giving everything to each others, freely and without waiting for something in return. Maybe this is why they are good for each others.

“It really smells good in there.” Alec says when joins him in the living room. “Did you cook?”

“Actually I did, I might have made too much though.”

    “Who doesn’t? I mean… It’s Christmas!”

    Magnus chuckles a little and pecks Alec’s lips.

    “You’re right darling.”

    The dinner is delicious and Magnus can’t help but bragging about it as Alec looks at him with  soft, fond, smile. His huge hazel eyes are not leaving Magnus, not even once and they are so warm with affection that Magnus feels like he has been wrap in a blanket of love. God he hopes it’s love. 

    They move to the couch right after dinner, a glass of wine in hand, and sit so close to each other their shoulders and legs are touching and Magnus has to hold back a content breathe when Alec puts his arm around him and pulls him even closer to him.

    When they start dating, Alec was always cautious around him, like he didn't dare touching him and, ever so often, even seemed to avoid any form of affection.

    But things have changed now and even though Alec is still hesitant, he has been showing him so much more tenderness Magnus couldn't be happier. 

    They settle down for watching some cheesy Christmas movies and Magnus is proud of Alec for saying what he would like to to do on the rest of the evening, he loves that his boyfriend is getting more comfortable with him.

    “Are you sure you don’t want to see the Christmas lights?” Alec asks at some point, knowing it was Magnus’ first proposition.

“I’m sure Alexander and to be honest, I’m really comfortable here in your arms, I wouldn’t move even if the world was ending.”

He almost expects his boyfriend to answer and stutter but no, Alec just grins as a beautiful light pink colours his cheeks. The younger man shakes his head a little, as if he’s trying to shake off the light flush, and leans to kiss him.

Alec kisses are never rushed. They are always soft and slow, full of something Magnus can’t describe but which makes his heart beat faster in the best way possible. He could let himself drown in their sweetness for forever and just can’t refrain from chasing after his boyfriend’s lips when they end. 

“See? Here is perfect.” Magnus says nuzzling gently against Alec’s nose in a gentle eskimo kiss.

***

When Alec opens his eyes, the television has been turned off and Magnus’ hand is gently stroking his hair. He blinks slowly, his brain is hazy with sleep.

“Did I feel asleep?” He asks though the answer is obvious.

“Yeah, a little after the middle of the movie.”

“Oh… Oh my God Magnus I’m so sorry!”

How could he have let that happened?! Falling asleep during their date? During Christmas! What will Magnus think of him now? He just made a fool of himself… 

“Alec, darling, it’s okay, don’t worry your pretty head about it, please.” The older man reassure as if he could read through Alec’s mind. “I don’t mind you falling asleep against me, I swear, and you were absolutely adorable, you even snored a little.” He teases.

However, Alec thinks he might die from embarrassment and he can’t think of something worse happening right now, except if he had drool on his boyfriend. God he hopes he didn’t drool on him.

    A warm hand on his cheek tears him from his thoughts.

    “Alexander, you have nothing to worry about, as long as you’re with me, I’m the happiest man in America.” Magnus says and briefly pecks his lips. “Now, it’s great that you’re awake because it’s passed midnight and-”

    “Past midnight?! Magnus, for how long did I sleep?!”

    “Doesn’t matter, I told you I enjoyed having you all snuggle up against me.” He winks. “Now, as I said, it’s past midnight and I’m dying of curiosity.”

    Alec can see his boyfriend’s eyes twinkling as he eyes the Christmas tree and just like that, Alec feels his whole body relax. Right, he doesn’t have to worry, he can be himself and he never have to be scared around Magnus. So he sits up and pecks his boyfriend's lips.

    “Alright then.” He says and stands to get the presents he brought.

    He hesitates a little before handing them to Magnus, Magnus who moved next to him, next to the tree and who is, too, handing him presents. And Alec can barely believe he is living this moment, right now, and he can't believe at all how happy and warm he is feeling, how good it is to be there and how nothing is complicated how everything is easy and beautiful. He can't believe how in love he is and how wonderful this is.

    “Merry Christmas Magnus.” He says, emotion thick in his voice.

    “Merry Christmas, Alexander.”

    Merry Christmas indeed. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There isn't much to say there but I hope you liked the bonus!  
> I tried to still show the struggle Alec, mainly, but also Magnus are going through!
> 
> I would also like to know if you guys would be interested in me writing some bonus/missing scenes from the fan fiction? scenes that maybe you wished you'd read or that you are curious about. Don't hesitate in asking for some ! I'll take not and maybe I'll write them !
> 
> I love you all, please don't forget that no matter what you are not alone and you are loved, important and valid.
> 
> I'll see you as soon as possible for the next chapter!  
> kisses!
> 
> NB: HAPPY BIRTHDAY EMMA! It's not midnight yet so I win. HA! thank you so much for your support and for liking this story, I'm very glad we get to talk to each others and I wish you all the best.


	22. In-between

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone !  
> I hope you are all doing well!  
> As promised, here is the new chapter, I hope you will all like it!

    How does friendship work? How do you make new friends? How do you get close to people that are first perfect strangers to you? 

    Jace never really had to think about that before; not his best friends were also his adoptive brother and sister but people always came to him naturally; he never had to try.

    But things have changed now and he wants to know what it is to make friends, real friends, not like the ones he has; none of them asked about Alec, none of them really tried to help him; they were all too busy with studying or partying. 

    It’s not that they are bad people, no, and Jace knows that. It’s just that they don’t really care about each others for something else than fun and partying. They don’t want deep talks about life and death. They don’t want to know what’s happening in each others family. They don’t want to know each others’ problems. No, they want to forget all of that, they want to be together for no more than the fun. And before long Jace has realised that this isn’t what friendship is. He doesn’t miss them.

    He misses Alec. Maybe it is because they decided not to talk for each others for awhile but never has he more wanted to talk to him. He knows the space between them is needed and the anger is still there. The psy says it’s normal, that he probably fears abandon and lived his brother suicide attempt like one. Jace can’t deny it. The psy says it’s maybe because of his parents’ death. Jace wants to say it isn’t, it wasn’t their fault, it wasn’t their choice. But maybe the child he was didn’t know, maybe the child in him still doesn’t know.

    There has been changes in the last few days though, he has been talking to Maia; they’ve been texting almost everyday and it feels great.

    Jace felt a bit guilty at first because she is initially Isabelle’s friend but his sister told him that she has absolutely no problem with sharing friends and she is happy that they stopped their “stupid little war” anyway.

    Jace loves how they are still teasing each others. They still have their teasing war and they still go sassy on each others. The ‘ _ library _ ’ is always open between them. But they are also talking about deeper subjects and Jace learns what it is to actually listen to someone when she tells him everything that happened with her ex-boyfriend and how scared she was for too long. And for the first time, he learns what it is to be listen to by someone else than his siblings. He talks about Alec mainly, his parents sometimes, his real ones. He doesn’t talk about Maryse and Robert. He doesn’t want to; it still feels like he has to make a choice between them and his brother when he does. Or he, they talk about nothing and maybe, also, a little bit of everything.

 

***

 

    Alec woke up early this morning. He barely slept but he doesn’t really care right now; he hasn’t been sleeping a lot for the last few days anyway and he doesn’t even feel tired. He is thinking, recently, about finding another road for his studies. Maybe he could find something that would allow him to come back to his initial choice. Maybe some film school would accept him, he could even try photography.  _ Maybe _ … Maybe it’s just stupid; he shouldn’t make plans for the future when he doesn’t even know what are the plans for the present.

He feels quite weird recently; he doesn’t have as much anguish as he thought he would have and he feels everything much more strongly, more than he normally would when he takes his medicine and when he didn’t need it. It is odd though, how some little things he wouldn’t notice before are suddenly annoying him. His text’s ringtone when he receives several consecutive messages, the sounds of the dishes when he cleans and piles them up… All the details he didn’t see or hear before. But he doesn’t focus on them and he doesn’t want to anyway.

He bounces a little on his feet and hums the music coming from the radio as he flips the French toast so both sides are caramelized, just the way he and Magnus prefer, before turning on the coffee machine and going back to cut the strawberries they bought yesterday, when they left Magnus’ office, in two.

Alec had mean to only come with Magnus once but, in the end, he went the rest of the week.

    It isn’t so terrible, spending the day with Magnus, Tessa and Raphael and trying some clothes now and then, the ones that could fit him. It is fun to watch Magnus cooing and swooning at him when he tries one of his tuxedo, costume or anything he made, even if Alec must fight a blush every damn time.  It feels great to see Magnus being so passionate and cheerful; to see that his boyfriend has something that will always make him happy.

A smile graces Alec’s face as he remembers when Magnus helped  him dressing up in that burgundy suit with a white shirt and a matching bow-tie. When Alec had seen himself in the mirror he had wondered for the first tile if that would be the kind of tuxedo he’d wear for his wedding.  _ Marriage _ . He had never really thought about it before but… It is now something that comes into his mind when he looks at his boyfriend.

He doesn’t really know what are Magnus’ thoughts on marriage. He knows his boyfriend has once proposed to Camille, his ex-girlfriend and she humiliated him for that, so maybe it isn’t something he wants to do anymore… But, by all the Gods and the Angels in whom people believe, Alec certainly hopes he does because, for sure, if he can, Alec wants to marry Magnus someday. He feels wonderfully giddy at the sole idea.

 

    “Something smells good.”

 

    Alec jumps a little, almost making the French toast beside the plate he was putting it in, at Magnus’ sleepy teasing voice.

    The Indonesian walks to him and Alec takes the time to appreciate his beauty. His hair are flat on his head and messy, there is a smile on his bare face that Alec just wants to kiss and though he is wearing soft white sweatpants, his delicious olive skin is almost full on display as he doesn’t wear any shirt. Alec places a hand on his waist, warm skin making his fingers tingling slightly, and pulls his boyfriend close to him, as close as he can, and bow his head a little so their nose are touching.

 

    “Hi.” Magnus smiles

    “Good Morning.”

 

    He leans a little further when he sees it: Magnus’ arm, sliding toward the cut strawberries. At any other time, he would have scowled his boyfriend, but just the thought of doing that makes his anguish rise up so fast that he doesn’t. He kisses him instead.

 

    “Your are surprisingly tolerant theses days.” Magnus comments when he pulls away and puts the strawberry piece on his mouth.

 

    Alec rolls his eyes.

 

    “I just don’t want to argue on the morning. Try to steal food tonight and you might take that thought back.” He says and Magnus chuckles before he pecking his lips.

    “You are also eating normally again, which is good, but makes me wondering: is there a change in your treatment?”

 

    Alec stiffens an instant before relaxing again.

 

    “Yeah.” He answers with a smile. “And speaking of eating, let’s have breakfast, I made your favourite French toasts.”

    “My, my, Alexander, aren’t you just perfect?” Magnus beams and kisses him before he breaks their embrace, taking their mugs and the coffee to the dining-room, swaying his hips seductively.

 

    Alec shakes his head and grabs the plate. He lingers a little in the kitchen before he joins his boyfriend at the table. 

 

***

 

Isabelle isn’t usually this nervous about meeting new people. But this is different. She isn’t going to meet anybody; she is going to meet Clary’s friends and despite all the doubts she can have about her relationship with the young redhead, she still likes her a lot and therefore needs to make the best impression.

She chooses to wear something more discrete than she usually wears. It’s not that she wants to lie about how provocative she likes to be, but staying simple seems to be the best idea to her. Well, as simple as she can be, that must be said.

    She ends up, after several trials, choosing tight black jeans and a floral shirt that she pairs with her reddest lipstick and black boots with insanely high heels. She ponders whether or not she should takes a jacket since the weather is getting warmer as summer approaches, along with the finals. She shouldn’t let herself have free days like that but for all she knows she got almost perfect scores at her Fall’s final and, even after Alec attempt at suicide during winter, she still is among the best students. She can barely believe May is coming already. She can barely believe it’s been just a little bit more than three months since last winter. A little bit more than three months since Alec tried to kill himself, it feels like it was just yesterday, and it feels like it was an eternity ago.

    Looking a last time at herself in the mirror, she nods at herself. 

 

    “Jace I’m going! Have fun at your date with Maïa!”

    “ _ Again _ , not a date!” Jace yells and Isabelle lets out a loud laugh. “Have fun with your girlfriend’s friends, don’t scare them off!” He adds.

 

    She rolls her eyes even though she knows he can’t see her and leave the apartment, her stress coming back the second the door is closed. What if they don’t like her? What if she doesn’t like them? What if they don’t like each others? Clary would be so sad and disappointed.

    Isabelle hesitates a little, wondering if she should take the metro to join the pizzeria Clary has chosen but decides against, when she realises that the crowd could ruin the hair she has styled neatly into two braids, and calls a taxi. 

    She is both thankful and disappointed that the ride isn’t long. Thankful because she then doesn’t have to start a conversation with the driver and disappointed because she arrives sooner than expected and she isn’t ready to face her girlfriend’s closest friends. And even less ready for the shovel talk that surely is awaiting her. She closes her eyes and takes a deep breath before stepping out the car. She asked for it, this is happening, there is no turning back. 

    Clary is almost immediately on her, closing her arms around her waist and giving her a quick peck on the lips, not caring about Simon cooing behind them. Simon is the only friend she met, he’s a “nerd-hot” kind of man who sometimes, mainly on the pictures Clary showed her, looks like he’s a goof but actually is really smart. Isabelle smiles remembering how much he had stammered when they first saw each others; Clary had feigned jealousy and forced him to apology before bursting out laughing. 

 

    “Hi Simon.” She says, one of Clary’s arm wrapped around her waist.

    “Hi, nice to formally meet you.” Simon jokes. “Clary always says good things about you.”

    “Why I certainly hope so.”

    “Come on.” Clary gently cuts. “Let’s go, everyone is already inside.”

 

    Isabelle gulps and follows.

    It isn’t the worst feeling though, she realises, worrying about trivial things change a lot from the last few months. Maybe it is good, even; it at least can’t be bad. It is putting something else in her mind than her brothers and her own problems. Maybe help her forget them for a little while; putting the thoughts second, focusing on the ‘ _ normal _ ’. Normal is good. Right?

    The smiling faces welcoming her when they arrive at the table melt all the nervousness and she allows herself to smile back. 

 

***

 

    It is barely half past three in the afternoon when Jace arrives at the location chosen by Maia. The place looks cosy and from the outside, Jace can see the comfy chairs and sandbags that are without a doubt waiting for him. All kinds of coffee beans are in display in huge jars as well as old fashioned and vintage coffee machine. The lights are all yellow and red and Jace can’t help but thinking that this must be the best place in the world in the middle of a freezing winter. Maybe he could come back there with his siblings next year, not to mention that Maia has swore to him that it was the “only place in New York that serves real coffee.”

    Jace looks around him to see if he can see the young woman coming before focusing again on the interior; there are a lot of couple, he notices and that thought scares him a little. This is not a date. He isn’t on a date with Maia. They are just hanging out, as friends. Right?

    It’s not that he would mind to be on a date with her, no, he is sure he could even enjoy dating her, but he doesn’t think he could love her, he doesn’t think he can love anyone romantically, and he doesn’t want her to get hurt in the end. That man she used to be with has already hurt her too much.

    Jace yelps as he suddenly feels like he is being pinched on his sides and he hears Maia laugh. He turns, trying to keep an annoyed mask on his face.

“This is  _ not _ funny Maia.”

“Oh my God you’re right! It’s hilarious!”

Jace rolls his eyes at his friend and sighs in defeat; he would have found it funny if it wasn’t him.

“Alright let’s go. I hope for you that the coffee is really as good as you say.”

There isn’t a lot of people in the coffee shop and they find themselves a nice cosy corner to enjoy their drinks. Jace hadn’t pictured Maia as a strong coffee drinker but it appears that she is. Jace on the other hand preferred to choose something lighter, preferably with milk and caramel earning some disapproving look for all the pure coffee lovers and an amused look from Maia.

“If they don’t like clients with a sweet tooth they shouldn’t make those drinks available.” He mumbles as they sit back and Maia chuckles.

“I didn’t picture you as a latter drinker.” She says.

“Well I didn’t picture you as a strong coffee drinker.” He replies. “But in the end… It shouldn’t have been surprising; you have a strong personality after all… And it’s a good thing!” He precise when a dark shadow passes through her eyes.

“Not everyone thinks that.”

“I believe that strong women are changing the world.” Jace answers before sipping his latte. He hums at the taste. “Okay, you were right, this far better than Starbucks.”

 

***

 

Clary’s friends are nice. They really are; Dot has this mother vibe to her and seems to be really protective toward her friends. She is very beautiful too: tan skin, long black hair, dark chocolate eyes and an absolutely adorable smile. Isabelle was right when she assumed that Simon was smart and a nerd. He hasn’t stopped talking, with excitement, about show and movies and comics but with a lot of reflexion and understanding on the plot and the characters. Izzy can’t help but thinking that if he was a little calmer he could be good friend with Alec. Lindsay is very sweet as well, she doesn’t talk much and hides a little behind her glasses and her bangs but is very polite and gentle every time she spokes. Isabelle doesn’t know if she could really be friend with her because she herself is very eccentric and she wouldn’t want to embarrass the young woman.

As expected, the shovel talk comes and it’s from Dot, close to the end of the afternoon, but Isabelle doesn’t feel threatened. She promises not to hurt her girlfriend intentionally and that she really likes her and the subject of the conversation changes again.

It pains her, that she can only think about how much she likes Clary instead of how much she loves her. But maybe it’s normal; they need to fully know each others again and Izzy probably needs to move on from the last few months as well before she can think about love. The only thing she is sure about is that she isn’t ready and isn’t about to give up on their relationship and getting what they had back. She is ready to fight for it and she can tell Clary feels and does the same. In the three months they have spend together; none of them said ‘ _ I love you _ ’. Not even once. But it will come, when the time is right. Because surely the time isn’t right yet.

It’s almost time for dinner when Dot, Lindsay and Simon leave. Clary stays with Isabelle.

 

“So… Do you like them?” Clary asks softly, taking Izzy’s hand and playing with her fingers.

“They are nice.” Isabelle smiles. “Though the question should be:  _ ‘do they like me?’ _ ”

 

Clary chuckles a little and it reminds Izzy of of the day they fell in love with one other for the first time. The day _ she _ fell in love. Everything was fine then, they were two highschool girls, freshmen, with life bright as their smile. Isabelle was provocative already, against her parents will, but she didn’t care, she was confident; her big brothers were always defending and protecting her and her little brother was always complimenting her. She had been dating Clary for a while. Shy Clary with wild red hair and paint stains on her fingers. That day, the day she fell in love with her, Clary had been painting the whole day and Isabelle had watch her, mesmerized. Clary had tied her red her in a bun so the paint wouldn’t get stuck in it. Isabelle will never forget how beautiful she was, green eyes huge and shining with happiness, freckles more apparent than they are today. ‘ _ Paint me like one of your french girl. _ ’ she had joked and a mischievous grin had appear on Clary’s face. She had walked to her and traced Isabelle’s nose with a brush full of  blue paint. Izzy had gasped and Clary had chuckle. The war paint was inevitable and the two young girls had end up kissing, clothes ruined and smiles wides. It’s a pleasant memory and it makes Izzy’s heart swell.

 

“Do you want to come for dinner? Lydia has a night shift; we’ll have the apartment for ourselves so… Maybe you can even spend the night with me.”

 

Isabelle smiles.She almost hesitates. She wanted to talk with Jace and to call Alec. But she can do that tomorrow. And she will see Jace, and Alec is coming on Tuesday. So she nods, ignoring the sharp pain in her heart as she realises the world will not change for her brothers if she allow herself to spend the night with her girlfriend.

It is easy to spend the day with Clary and then come home to Jace. It is easy to forget about everything when she is with her girlfriend as long as she can hear about Alec. But she will never fall in love again if she continue like that. It hurts, but she needs to free herself.

She nods, and she wants to cry.

 

“Sounds perfect.”

 

***

 

The weekend goes on quickly; Magnus feels like he just blinked and they are Monday again. Saturday was fun; after Alec’s wonderful breakfast, they have spent the morning cuddling in the couch, watching the youngest’s favourite show and went to the shooting range for the afternoon. It had been almost a year since they didn’t go there together and it was great to watch Alec have fun and, not unkindly, mocking his poor skill. Alec always gets cocky when he does archery and for good reason: he only rarely miss his target. Magnus thinks that his boyfriend pride looks incredibly sexy. He loves watching him with his bow, his arms’ muscle flexing as he pulls the arrow, jaw slightly clenched in concentration, gaze focused on his aim. He loves how his whole body relaxes once the arrow flies and his cocky, proud, grin when it goes straight on the middle. Needless to say, this had end up in hot making out against a locker. Alec had laugh then, a little breathless, and had suggested they went home. Sunday was spent in bed, lazily watching their favourite movies and getting up only to get the pizza, then sushis, they ordered.    

It was a great weekend, obviously, Magnus has nothing to complain about. But he can’t shake off the feeling that there is something odd with his boyfriend; Alec has become more expressive and dynamic in a matter of days. And he is waking up, before Magnus, everyday now, smiling and making breakfast. The change appears subtle and yet, it is too brutal. Magnus can see it: in the span of a week, he notices, more and more often, the nervous twitch in Alec’s hand and the anxious or annoyed shaky breaths he sometimes lets out, the way his smile will flatter sometimes and his eyes will for an instant lose focus, haziness taking over them.

Alec told him there has been a change on his medication and that he is happy about it, but Magnus can’t help but wonder if the side effects he can see are a good thing, if  _ this _ change is a good thing.

But Magnus doesn’t say anything. At least not now. Maybe the nervousness is related to the dinner they will have on Tuesday. Maybe is is nervous about seeing Jace after the fight they had and the decision they took. 

Magnus sighs, pinching his nose, and decides to wait until after the family dinner, he will see then whether or not he shall talk with Alec about the worries he holds on this new treatment. 

 

***

 

On Tuesday morning, Alec feels sick; a deep strong anxiety is curled in his stomach, biting his insides, eating him, merciless. He can’t seems to figure out why; nothing seems right and yet, everything is. Everything seems wrong and yet nothing is. He shares a delicious breakfast with Magnus and there isn’t even too much traffic when they join the office and Magnus even gives him some clothes he created for tonight. Alec was a bit wary but Magnus quickly reassured him with a  _ ‘but I created them while thinking of you: my muse’ _ and with the precision that those aren’t for his clothes’ lines. It’s beautiful and comfortable but still Alec can’t shake off the feeling that something is going to go wrong.

    Maybe he dreads the moment he will see Jace after their week of silence. But he knows he shouldn’t. They talked about their problems over the phone and they will again. It should be easier now that they lanced the boil. Right?

    Time moves so slow Alec fears today last forever, that he will be trapped in anguish.

 

    “Are you ready to go?” Magnus asks when the afternoon ends.

    “Yeah..”

    “Hey are you okay?”

 

    Magnus’ voice is laced with worry and he steps forward, putting a warm gentle hand on Alec’s cheek. Alec leans in the touch and closes his eyes for a second.

 

    “Just nervous.” He sighs. “I don’t really know why I... I’ve been feeling like this all day.”

 

    There is no point in lying, not when Magnus can clearly see his true emotions on his face.

 

    “Do you want to cancel tonight’s dinner?”

    “No! No… Izzy would be too disappointed and I need to see Jace.”

    “Okay, I’ll be right beside you anyway, no matter what.”

    “Thank you.”

 

    Magnus smiles sweetly and softly pats his cheeks. 

 

    “Come on love, let’s not make Jace and your darling sister wait.”

 

***

 

Izzy watches Jace with an amused smile as he fidgets, impatient, on the couch and looks at his watch every two minutes.

She wants to tease him, but she doesn’t; she knows better than making fun of him for missing his brother and best friend. So she sits next to him and put her hand on his shoulder. Jace looks at her then, and smiles at her.

Isabelle must admits that she didn’t know how to feel about the silence week at first, she was afraid it would deepen the distance between them. But now, she understands why that it was needed; Jace has reflected a lot on the way his behaviour and he open up to her a lot about it. Of course, she doesn’t believe in magic, she doesn’t believe that, somehow, Jace’s conduct will miraculously change in one day, this would be stupid, or naive, of her, but the progress he’s made in a week is perceptible already and if she knows their relationship will never goes back to what it was, she surely hopes that it will be better, healthier. 

 

“Nervous?” She asks.

“Not the word I would use.”

“Which word would you used?”

“Stressed? I guess. More like worried, maybe. Magnus is going to slaughter me for what I’ve done.” He laughs bitterly. “I still can’t believe I punched him you know?”

“I know, you’ve been repeating yourself.”

“Well I guess I’ll stop only when I’ll start admitting it to myself.”

 

Izzy laugh a little and a comfortable silence falls after that. ‘ _ Everything is going to be fine. _ ’, she dares thinking and when the bells finally rings, she hurries, Jace right behind her, to open the door.

But sometimes, things aren’t meant to be fine. Sometimes, everything is happening at the same time, at the worse moment, definitely unwanted and definitely painful. 

And Isabelle knows, as she opens door, as her smile falls from her face and her body tenses, she knows, as they smile to Jace and her, as their eyes stay icy and severe, she knows as she faces her parents: everything is definitely  _ not _ going to be fine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As you surely noticed, I decide, in this chapter, to explore more of Maia and Jace relationship as well as Izzy and Clary's. Life is moving on !  
> Also, timeline ! I realised it had been a while since I put some timeline in here, I think it's even the first time that I say the month we are in. I didn't really feel like we needed it before but... Maybe we do now? I don't know, I felt like putting it.
> 
> I think it is important to show and tell that people you met years ago and lost contact with change, that you change and because of that if you ever reconnect it can't be the same. Because you'll often want it to be same, I know I would. And sometimes, people you were so close with, people you shared a real connection with... The day you met them again, all of it is gone and it's normal if you try to have it back, it's legit and it's brave and it's valid. 
> 
> I know it feels like not much happened in this chapter but believe me, a lot is happening.
> 
> YES sometimes movie-like situations happen. I'm talking by experience, not the same as Alec's here but close enough for me to be sure that this could happen in real life. This is not all experiences I have the desire to share though. Most of them are quiet painful and quite triggering. 
> 
> It is possible to feel it when something wrong is going to happen during your day and that is why it happens to Alec there, it often happens to me at least and I'm sure some of you also feel it sometimes; when you wake up on the morning, a knot on your stomach or with a heavy heart and you don't understand it at first but then something happens and it all makes sense?
> 
> Also sorry for the cliffhanger. Please forgive me? I just wanted to keep you entertained. 
> 
> See you all in two weeks !
> 
> Kisses!


	23. There is no shame in Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone !!!  
> I hope you are all doing well!  
> I loved writing this chapter though it appeared to be quite hard due to the situation.  
> I must admit I'm quite happy with it and I hope you will all love it !

    This is not  _ happening _ . This  _ can’t _ be happening. Isabelle is sure she is dreaming, hallucinating or trapped inside a piece of fiction because surely this can’t be happening in real life; chance can’t be that cruel.

 

    “What are you doing there?” She hears Jace ask.

 

    His voice, hard and cold, wavering in anger, washes over her, waking her, assuring her she isn’t at least hallucinating and certainly not dreaming.

 

    “We  came to see you, obviously.” Robert answers, making his way inside, followed by Maryse. “We had business in town.”

    “And you didn’t warn us?”

 

    Izzy wishes Jace would just stop talking and tell them to leave already, because she doesn’t dare and Alec and Magnus will be there soon.

    It’s not that she doesn’t love them. Of course, she does.

    It’s not that she is being unfair. Of course, she isn’t.

    It’s not that she wants to hurt them. Of course, she doesn’t.

    But for the sake of her brother, for the sake of Alec, they need to leave.

She follows Jace to the kitchen and wants to scream at him when she sees him pouring two glass of water for their parents. When he turns to her, face closed but eyes filled with panic she understands that he is going through the same emotions as she does.

 

“We need to warn Alec.” He says. “We can’t ask them to leave but we can’t tell Alec not to come.”

    “But this isn’t fair… They showed up unannounced they are the ones who shouldn’t be there!”

    “I know Izzy, and I am as frustrated as you are, but do you really think they will accept to leave this place like that? Do you really think they will give us a choice? When did they ever?”

    “But the day you kicked them out of the ca-”

    “It was different.”

    “How so?!”

    “Alec was at the hospital! How- He couldn’t be the one leaving could he?”

 

Isabelle bites her lips.

 

“I’m telling them that Alec is coming.” She announces. “Maybe they will go then.”

 

They don’t.

    They stay, they even seem please and they talk. They talk a lot; about all the ideas they have to ‘bring their son back’ as he was the one abandoning them. From the corner of her eyes, Isabelle can see Jace, fluming with his phone in hurry, worry and contained rage written all over his face. And Maryse and Robert don’t even see it; they don’t pay attention and they don’t seem to have registered that Magnus is coming as well because they don’t mention him, because they are not angry, because they act as if Alec is coming alone, because they are not afraid. And they talk about how happy they are that they will get to see Alec and how they had planned to give Isabelle and Jace flyers to pass on to Alec. Flyers on conversion therapy, because they thought about it and, surely, Alec is sick but he still can be saved; they made their research. They keep talking and talking and Izzy is horrified, petrified.

_     How dare they? _

 

***

      Jace is getting desperate; he has been sending his brother at least ten texts, begging him not to come, warning him about his parents, and Alec still hasn’t answer. He tries Magnus but the latter isn’t answering either. And just when he is about to excuse himself and try calling, the bell rings, and he knows it’s too late.

        “I’m getting the door.” He immediately says.

    No matter what he said earlier, Jace still remembers his brother’s reaction at the prospect of his parents visiting him at the hospital. He still remembers Alec’s breathing coming short, uneven and way to fast, his face losing all its colour and his pupils contracted in fear, how he was unable to talk and how they had to call a nurse to calm him down… To  _ drug _ him.

     He might have said that Alec is stronger now and implied that he is able to meet them again but he honestly isn’t so sure and he is not about to risk anything. He is not about to let Alec see the monsters that almost killed him.

    When Jace opens the door, Magnus is looking at Alec with worry, Alec, who is looking down at his phone, pale and frowning, his free hand is squeezing Magnus’s with so much strength that the Asian’s hand is turning red.

    “Alec.” He calls in a breath and his brother’s head snaps up. “We couldn’t make them leave; I’m sorry.”

 

    Alec shakes his head slowly and lets his boyfriend’s hand go. He takes a few steps and pulls Jace against him in a hug.

    Jace freezes for an instant and then melts in the embrace.

 

    “It’s okay.” Alec states. “I missed you.” He adds before releasing him.

    They face each others for a few seconds. A few seconds in which Jace is able to see something switch on his brother’s eyes; one second they are filled with fear and uncertainty, the other, determination is burning all over them and he turns to Magnus with a small trembling smile.

 

      “Come on babe.” He says, taking his boyfriend’s hand. “Let’s introduce you properly to my parents.”

 

***

 

Magnus barely has the time to blink before he is being pulled inside Jace and Izzy’s apartment and his mind is screaming in protest. Does Alec even know what he is doing?

He remembers perfectly the conversations they had only a few days, barely a week, ago; how his parents reacted when he came out and everything they told him… The threats… And Magnus can’t be sure his boyfriend is ready to face his parents yet.

But he wants to trust Alec in what he is doing and he looks so determined that Magnus doesn’t even dare to stop him. This is too late to pull him back anyway; he doesn’t even have the time to think about it that they are in the living room.

The first thing Magnus notices is Isabelle. She looks at them, so pale that her red lipstick makes it look like her lips are painted neon, with her eyes wide and mouth agape, she looks like she forgot how to breath.

Maryse and Robert stands and Magnus can feel Alec’s hand quivering in his own.

The tension is suffocating. 

“Mother, father.” Alec greets and his voice doesn’t even shake. “Let me introduce you my boyfriend, Magnus Bane.”

 

Magnus looks at him, tries to read his traits, anything that could give out what he is thinking about and if he really is as confident as he sounds, but Alec’s face is marble, close and unreadable, cold. His eyes are closed doors and his whole body is tensed.

    Maryse sighs and Robert’s face is contracted with disgust. Magnus holds his breath.

 

    “Alexander,” Maryse begins with a honeyed voice. “I know you think you love him and I know you are afraid but believe me, we got all figured it out.” She smiles. “We know you’re sick Alexander just like your… friend is and we will help you I promise.”

    “W-what?”

 

    Magnus can hear the armour cracking in Alec’s voice so he gently squeezes his hand, hoping it will give him some more strength. And maybe to give some to himself as well; his heart is hammering against his ribcage. Almost painfully so. 

 

    “We looked at it on the internet and we asked people around us.” Maryse continues as she frantically search in her bag. “There.”

 

    Her voice trembles as she hands over some flyers to Alec who takes them with narrowed eyes. Alec holds them for them both to see. In bold, italic letters Magnus can read:

 

**_“RECONVERTION THERAPY”_ **

 

Rage and hate fills him. From the pit of his stomach to his beating heart. It grips him like an iron glove, tightens around him, compresses him and Magnus is sure that Alec’s hand, the hand that hasn’t left his own ever since they got in, is the only thing that refrains him to throw himself at his boyfriend’s parents’ throat.

 

***

 

Magnus looks furious and Alec is just looking blankly at the paper in his hand. Slowly, he breaks the skin contact with his boyfriend, freeing his hand to take a closer look.

Isabelle is silent, her mouth is close. She is probably waiting, waiting for some reactions, any reactions. She looks like she doesn’t dare to move and scream just yet.

Maryse is looking at her oldest son with hope in her eyes as if she thinks that the flyers are going to convince him, as if Alec is going to bend to her again.

Robert is staring at Magnus with aversion and his hands are twitching. He looks like he is about to take the few steps that will close the distance between them and wrap his hands around the Asian man’s neck.

And Jace… Jace can’t take his eyes off the scene that is playing before him.

“You gotta be kidding me.” Alec says, breaking the heavy silence.

 

Maryse gasps at the anger in her son’s voice but Jace is almost relieved by it; his brother doesn’t seem to be afraid.

Alec closes his hand around the flyers, crumpling them before he throws them on the floor.

 

“This is bullshit. _ I _ am sick?” He scoffs and pride swells in Jace’s heart. “Look at yourself, both of you, trying to change me so I can be the way you want me to be, so I can fit into your stupid little boxes because you don’t- because you  _ can’t _ love me.  _ You _ are the ones who need help,  _ you _ are sick ones.”

 

Jace blinks and almost laugh at his parents face. They look shocked and Robert’s eyes are burning with anger. Jace is both proud of his brother and afraid of the consequences of what he just said.

 

    “Mother, father, I think it would be better if you just go.” Isabelle says. “Alec and Magnus were invited for dinner, you weren’t.”

 

    Her voice is soft but the words are firm and Jace really hopes they listen to her.

    They don’t.

    They don’t even look at her, ignoring her, ignoring him, ignoring them to their very presence in this room, their attention solely focused on the couple standing before him.

 

“Alexander, please, you don’t know what you are doing.” Maryse begs.

 

Jace has never heard his adoptive mother begging before, barking order or talking to them with such power all they can do is obey yes, begging, never. It’s even more surprising knowing the indifference she had shown toward Alec’s suicide attempts and the things she had say in the car the day they came to visit. It’s incredible how convinced she is that she can get her child back at her side when she and her husband told him that he wasn’t their son anymore.

 

“I perfectly know what I am doing.” Alec answers calmly. “I am choosing something for myself instead of getting manipulated again by my parents.”

“How dare you?”

 

Robert moves forward and if Jace can’t help but take a step backward, Alec doesn’t budge and Magnus stands still beside him, his back tensing up a little more, his body throbbing, without a doubt aching to draw back from the threat Robert appears to be. 

Jace wishes he could read thoughts. He wishes he could tell how Alec is feeling right now and what he is thinking, what his plan is -does he even have a plan?- . He wishes he could help. He desperately wants to help. But this is not his place, he knows that and he sees, when he looks over at his sister and their eyes lock, that she knows too; it’s Alec’s fight. All they can do is watch, and hope for the best.

 

***

 

Isabelle wishes she could read thoughts. She wishes she could tell what his father is thinking about right now and what he is about to do, just so she could stop him. She wishes she could stop him. Stop him from doing any physical arm to Alec, or Magnus, and stop him from saying anything that would send her brother over the edge again, that would make him try to end his days again. She wishes she could stop her father to kill her brother. But she can’t do anything right now, she knows that and she sees, when she look over at Jace and their eyes lock, that he knows too; it’s Alec’s fight. All they can do is watch, and hope for the best.

 

“How dare you,” Robert repeats. “Say something like that when we looked after you from your birth, when we still took care of you when you  _ killed _ Max?” He accuses.

 

Isabelle can see Alec’s emotions breaking through then; he flinches and pain flashes through his eyes. She wants to say something because it wasn’t, it _ isn’t _ , Alec’s fault if their youngest brother died, that he had the right to think about himself and the future he wanted to build for himself. That it wasn’t his role to take care of Max, Jace and she, to hold the role of the parents but he still did it, so many times, so many years. She wants to scream at her father and to scream at her mother. But she can’t. She can’t.

 

“When this  _ monster _ almost  _ killed _ you.” He adds pointing his finger at Magnus. “Look at your face! This monster _ beats _ you! 

 

***

 

Monster?  _ Monster ?!  _ Magnus can barely believe what his ears just heard. How dare this man insult him, calls him a monster when he is himself one of the worst kind? How dare this man put a blame on Magnus for his son’s suicide attempt? How dare this man deny all the responsibilities he has? How dare this man deny that he is without the shadow of doubt the main reason Alec did what he did? How dare he deny that he is the one who almost killed his son? How dare he suggest that he would raise a hand on the man he love more than anything? How dare he suggest that he would hit Alec when he is the one who slapped him in the face for being gay?

Magnus can’t hold back anymore and he takes a step forward, fully intending to  _ destroy  _ that man without caring of the consequences. He takes a step forward, rage boiling, and blood buzzing at his eardrums. He takes a step forward, a scream trapped in his throat and his heart trying to escape his body. He takes a step forward but can’t take a second one, or a third; he bumps on something, and his fuzzy brain can’t seem to comprehend why got stopped. Magnus blinks dumbfound and lower his gaze.

Alec’s arm.

Alec is keeping him from throwing himself at Robert.

Magnus looks up and meets Alec’s eyes.

It’s quite amazing, the power a simple gaze can have, it can give you shiver and fear and it can hold so much authority that all you do is bend, it can make your heart beat faster and it can give you love. Right now, Alec’s are filled with worry but still are holding enough strength, enough conviction and enough peace to sooth Magnus’ mind almost instantly. Almost.

They leave him to quickly though, turning to the object of his rage.

 

“That man you call a monster,” Alec says with so much poise that Magnus, and everyone in the room, shivers. “Is the man who taught me how to love myself, the man who showed me that it is okay to be gay and that I can be proud about it, that I don’t have to hide. The man you are accusing of killing me is the one who saved me in more than one way, the one who is giving more love than I will ever deserve and one of the rare person who make it worth it to be alive on this planet. He would never,  _ never _ , beat me and how I got this bruise doesn’t concern you in the slightest. This man, dad, loves me. But  _ you _ , you always made me feel ashamed of myself, feel like I was unlovable, you never took care of me, a nanny did! And I  _ didn’t  _ kill Max; Max died in an accident, but if someone between us must take the blame then let me tell you this: Max died because you couldn’t tolerate that  _ I _ was trying to have a future, something he  _ encouraged _ me for by the way, Max died because  _ you _ didn’t play your role as a parent! Because  _ this _ is something you forced me to bear. Max died because you wouldn’t take care of him, he died because you wouldn’t stop working for fifteen minutes and take care of him! If anyone between us has to be blamed for his death it  _ you _ ! Not me!  _ You _ are the monster here, not Magnus.”

 

The silence that follows is exhilarating, to Magnus at least; Robert looks like he has been slapped, or punched, it’s probably a miracle that he didn’t cut Alec off during his speech, not a single time. Mouth agape and eyes wide, he is transfixed. Behind him, Maryse isn’t better; with her hands on her mouth, she looks horrified by what she just heard.

But Magnus doesn’t care about them; he looks at his boyfriend with pride and admiration maybe and God, he loves him. He loves him so much that the feeling is overtaking everything else he could feel right now, so much that he just want to grab Alec and kiss him, fervently, on the mouth.

***

 

Jace is the first one to see it; the shift in his father’s eyes, the way they grow dark in fury and how they change his red, constricted face from human do animalistic and for the first time in years, Jace is scared of his adoptive father and terrified of what he is going to do.

Jace the first one to react but everyone moves when Robert nearly launches himself on Alec to assault him. He quickly jump forward and, not listening to any reason, grabs his father’s shoulders and purposely, tosses him on the floor, he can’t risk for him to attack again, not so fast. Maryse yelps in shock.

“Don’t touch him.” He growls, looking at him straight in the eyes 

 

Robert barely has the time to stand again that Jace and Magnus are already ready to stop him again. Behind them, Jace can hear Izzy asking their brother if he is okay, he doesn’t hear Alec’s answer but he is pretty sure that he nodded. Maryse walks to her husband and put a soothing hand on his chest. 

 

“Don’t.” She says so lowly Jace thinks he might have imagine it.

 

Roberts looks down at her but doesn’t seem to relax; his brow are still furrowed and his eyes narrow for a second before he slowly pushes her aside.

 

“How dare you betray me?” Robert asks Jace.

 

The blonde shakes his head, closing his eyes like he can’t believe what is being said to him.

 

“I’m not betraying you, father; I’m protecting my brother.”

“Your brother is  _ sick _ , Jonathan.” Robert spats. “And he wasn’t even able to save this family and kill himself properly.”

Jace’s hear are suddenly buzzing and it feels like he’s been plunge underwater. He doesn’t even hear Isabelle’s gasp. He doesn’t even see Magnus throwing himself at Robert in a blind rage, reaching for his collar. He doesn’t hear what Magnus yells and he doesn’t hear his mother’s startled scream. He doesn’t see the fear in his father’s eyes, he doesn’t see him trembling. He doesn’t even see the chaos happening before him.

Jace doesn’t know how he will be able to forgive his adoptive father again now, he doesn’t know how he is still going to be able to love him. He doesn’t know if he can face this man without hearing those terrible words and how he is was ready to attack Alec not only morally but physically for his choices, for his sexuality. He doesn’t know if he can look at him in the eyes without seeing the pure hatred and cruelty they held for the oldest son.

He is brought back to reality when Alec brushes past him. Only a few seconds has passed but they seem to have last for hours. He watches as his brother softly put his hands on Magnus’ shoulder and slide them down on his arm,  gently forcing him to release Robert from his grip.

 

“Magnus stop; it’s okay, he isn’t worthy.” Alec says.

“You’re right.” Magnus snarls, stepping away so his back bumps against Alec’s chest. “He isn’t.”

 

Robert is breathing loudly, but he doesn’t attempt at attacking his son and his partner again. Instead, he takes his wife by the wrist and recover her bag and their coats; they are leaving just like the first time they were confronted to Alec’s sexuality, only this time, they are asked to. No one says a thing but everyone is watching them. They don’t talk either and, too soon, the sound of the front door echos and they all find themselves breathing again.  _ Finally. _

 

***

 

    They go on with the dinner, they stay because they don’t want Maryse and Robert to win and ruin their night completely. They stay as if they needed to prove something; to Robert, to Maryse or to Jace and Izzy, perhaps mainly to themselves. Maybe they shouldn’t have, maybe they should have leave too; they don’t eat much anyway. No one seems very hungry and they only open their mouth once or twice to ask Alec if he is okay. Alec always says that he is fine, Magnus doesn’t believe him. Alec looks exhausted, crushed… He looks like he is closing himself again with his hunched shoulders and stone-face. But the eyes can’t lie no more, filled with guilt and even sadness.

    He isn’t the only one seeing it, Isabelle does too and Jace, never more open to his brother than he is right now, also.

    But they don’t push too much, neither of them; from an untold common accord they decide to let it go, to give him time. God knows they need some too.

    They leave right after dessert. The goodbyes are odds; they never had this kind of goodbye before, they are never so painful it’s almost like Jace and Izzy don’t want them to go and are trying to stop themselves from begging.

    He knows what they are afraid of because he is himself afraid of the very same thing. He knows how scared they all are afraid that, maybe, Robert pushed all the wrong buttons. They are afraid that he somehow convinced Alec that he should die. Magnus knows it’s irrational. But three months only have passed and how can they forget and bury their worry so fast?

 

    “I’ll take care of him.” Magnus promises in a whisper to each of the siblings. He hopes Alec will let him.

 

    He doesn’t. Not really.

    When they get home, Alec hurries in the shower. Magnus follows him. It makes Alec smiles and the young man takes his boyfriend by the waist, pulling him closer and leaning so their lips collide. He doesn’t seem to realise that Magnus’ plan is to make sure nothing bad happen.

    It’s not that he doesn’t trust Alec. He just can’t let him alone without fearing the worst.

    It’s not that he doesn’t trust Alec, in general but right now, right now, he just can’t trust him with life and death.

    He wants to slap himself for that because Alec assured him he isn’t planning on attempting to his life again but what if? What if on a second thought, what if when he sees the razor on the sink, what if he is tempted, what if he can’t resist?

    Alec turns the water on, hot, strong and it burns their skin. Magnus wants to complain, to ask him to lower the temperature, to say that it isn’t good, for any of them, and that it hurts. But when he looks up at his boyfriend, the latter has his eyes closed and his whole posture seems to relax. So Magnus doesn’t complain, he doesn’t ask him to lower the temperature and he doesn’t say that it isn’t good, for any of them, and that it hurts.

    Instead, he kisses his jaw and his neck, his shoulders and his chest and he hugs him. He feels ridiculous doing so, but he doesn’t care. Not anymore.

    They don’t talk.

    They don’t talk either when they put on their pyjamas. And they talk even less when they slip below the bed’s blankets.

 

    “Are you sure you’re okay?” Magnus finally asks when he wraps Alec in his arms and let his lips brush the nape of the younger man’s neck.

    “I’m fine Magnus.” Alec firmly answers, obviously trying to sound sure.

 

    He isn’t.

    Magnus knows his boyfriend and he can say he isn’t “ _ fine _ ”; his voice is slightly broken and is controlled like when he tries to not let it waver.

_     He knows him _ and he can actually see the walls building themselves around Alec. He hates it and he refuses to believe that things can go backwards so fast, he can’t let that happen, ever.

 

    “I love you, Alexander.” He murmurs, holding him a little more tightly.

 

    Alec turns around so they face each others and Magnus hopes that, even in the darkness surrounding them, he can’t see the despair in his eyes.

 

    “I love you too, Magnus.” He answers and gently strokes Magnus’ cheek.

 

    He doesn’t know where it comes from, the strangled sob that suddenly leaves his throat. Maybe it’s the anguish and all the stress from the night, maybe it’s the fear of losing his boyfriend, maybe it’s because he doesn’t feel like he can trust Alec about all of this. Maybe it’s all of that and maybe it’s none of that.

 

    “I’m glad you couldn’t kill yourself properly.” He cries; intertwining his fingers with Alec’s.

 

    It sounds ridiculous and cliché into his own ears but then again, the whole evening has been a succession of movie-likes moments.

    Maybe movies don’t lie that much in the end, maybe they can reflect the real life after all, maybe they are more realistic than he used to think, Maybe this is why, ever since Alec’s suicide attempt, life feels a lot like fiction.

 

    “I couldn’t leave you.” Alec whispers back and, bringing their linked hands to his face, kisses Magnus’ knuckles. 

 

    Magnus smiles sadly and snuggles up against Alec.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooo... The fact that there is no Alec point of view in this chapter is intentional; I found it way more interesting for you guys to not know what's happening inside his head and see instead how everyone sees him. I hope you understand my choice and are not too frustrated by it.
> 
> I find it very interesting, even for me to write, the duality Jace and Izzy are confronted to. It's very hard to hate your own parents. And it's hard, maybe impossible, to stop loving them in a snap of fingers.  
> I think the way I wrote it was a little messy and it bothered me at first but I realised that it's probably because the situation itself is very messy and so it's messy inti their head too.
> 
> Reconvertion Therapies... They are still a thing. Even in France, though we rarely hear about it. And it's awful and it shouldn't exist. It should be shut down but it isn't. And this is a real, deep problem. I hope that one day, with Pride and demonstration, we'll be able to close them all.  
> I put it in the story because I think that some homophobic people think they are actually helping. Because they think being gay is a sickness and that it can be heal. And I think that some people are perpetuating this thinking. But being gay, being part of the LGBTQ community isn't being sick and I hope that, if like me you are part of the community, no one ever calls you sick or tries to talk you into reconversion therapy.
> 
> Alec was brave wasn't he?! I didn't think I would make him so brave in this chapter but it came naturally. I think he has been fed up by his parents for a long time and when the glass is full... well, it is full. But that doesn't mean he wasn't hurt and that doesn't mean it wasn't hard. And I promise you'll get to see the effects of this interaction soon.
> 
> I'll see you all in two weeks! Love you !


	24. Bonus 2: first meeting

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys...  
> So...  
> I'm sorry, I haven't finished the new chapter so this is just a bonus.  
> To be honest, I haven't been feeling very well this month, I'm struggling with my depression which makes it harder to write the fiction.  
> I did however wrote this little thing when I couldn't focus on the main story. I hope you will all enjoy it

    From what he has always heard, moving away from your parents is one of the hardest thing in life, though exciting. Especially when you move in another city, hours away from your hometown. They say it’s because it is difficult to become an adult, to grow up, to live without the people who raised you and nurtured you.

    Alec finds it surprisingly easy. Maybe it’s because his siblings are moving with him too. Maybe it’s because his relationship with his parents isn’t the greatest. Maybe it’s because he won’t have to hide now. Maybe it’s because they never really raised him.

    Alec raised himself. That is what he likes to think though a nanny took care of him and his siblings until he was nine. After that, his parents thought he was ‘big enough’ to take care of Isabelle his sister and Jace his adoptive brother. And then Max. But Alec doesn’t want to think about Max. It’s still too much pain. It still hurts too much to think about the youngest brother he has lost last year. It still makes him want to cry. It’s still his fault. 

    He lets out an heavy, trembling, sigh. He doesn’t need to think about that right now. He needs to focus.

    He takes another deep breath before opening the trunk of the car and frowns when Isabelle and Jace pass by him, running.

 

    “Hey!” He yells. “Take at least a box out first! Make yourself useful!”

 

    But they already have disappeared. Alec looks blankly at the entrance for half of a second and groans in annoyance. Stupid siblings; of course they would do that to him, they have been bickering about the rooms they’ll take all the way down here. And this was long.  _ Very _ long. Alec had regretted not taking the plane and hire some movers instead of changing their move into a stupid roadtrip.

Shaking his head, he turns around and finds himself face to face with another man.

The stranger wears obvious asian traits; his skin is olive and tanned and his has slanting eyes. What surprises Alec the most is the unusual colour of the latter: amber, gold even. A sharp black liner line and green eyeshadow bring them out and Alec almost loses his breath right here. He’s gorgeous. His shirt is sheer and open almost all the way to  his navel and if Alec could not say its exact colour if would definitely say that it is a shade of red. Lowering his gaze furthermore, he gulps at the tight black jeans before he realises what he is doing and quickly looks up again, avoiding the man’s eyes as his cheeks turn red. And the man is grinning, beautifully so.

 

“I was going to help you but maybe I should take _ you _ out instead.”

 

Alec is certain that his jaw just hit the floor and he can feel his cheeks heating up. Not only is he embarrassed to have been spotted on looking a stranger from head to toes but no one has hint on him before. At least not like that, not so openly. And Alec doesn’t know what to do with that.

 

“I huh hi! I- erm I go- I better- I gotta go.” He stammers feeling himself going redder.

 

He takes a box and hurries inside of the building almost tripping on his feet. Great. Now he just ridiculed himself in front of an handsome man.

But it’s not like he’d have a chance anyway. The stranger is way out of his league. Way too beautiful for someone like Alec. Someone who ruins everything, all the time. Maybe it’s better this way.

Alec suddenly wishes the Earth was nice enough to swallow him and make him disappear. 

He closes his eyes and takes a deep breathe.

_ Focus _ , he tells himself.

Another deep breathe and he is good to go. He presses the elevator’s button with his elbow and wait. 

 

“I take it you’re not on the first floor.” A warm voice says behind him.

 

Alec immediately recognizes it. He likes to think that it is only because the stranger spoke to him just a few minutes ago.

He doesn’t dare opening his mouth, not trusting the words that might get out of it. He doesn’t need to humiliate himself even more. 

When the doors open and they both enter Alec really hopes that the close space doesn’t give the man a proper hearing of his heart beating on his chest.

Them presses his fingers on the number on his floor and eyes Alec, waiting to know the number of his. Raising a brow as Alec pales a little.

 

    “I-I’m the same floor as you.”

    “Oh, I guess we’re going to be neighbours then!” The stranger beams at him. “I’m Magnus, by the way.”

    “A-Alec.”

    “Nice to meet you Alec.” Magnus says with a warm smile. “Is that short for Alexander?”

 

    Alec feels himself grins back, stupidly and he doesn’t really understand why because he hates his name. He hates how it sounds and yet, when the man before him said it, it sounded like a song. 

    He nods.

    And the elevator stops. And the door opens.

    And they both step outside.

    And Magnus chuckles when they realize their doors are literally across one another.

 

    “Well, Alexander, I guess I’ll see you soon.” He winks. “And if you need help to move in, don’t hesitate, it’ll be my pleasure.”

 

    Alec nods again, trying to ignore the hot feeling warming his heart.

 

    “Who was  _ that _ ?” He hears his sister asks.

    “Magnus.” He answers. “The neighbour.”

    “My,  _ my _ .” She teases. “This new life is sure going to be interesting for you.”

 

    Alec could not agree more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this is short, and I know this is not really good but I'm not sure the chapter will be finished by next week and I didn't want to let you hanging for too long. I hoped you liked this little bonus and I'll see you all either next week (hopefully) either in two weeks.
> 
> Thank you for sticking up with me!


	25. Anatomy of Relationships

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys...  
> I'm sorry it took so long and I can't make promises on wether or not next chapter will be there in two weeks,  
> I'm going through a tough time, I hope you forgive me.
> 
> The chapter is quite long so hopefully it makes amend for the waiting time

    “No.” Magnus says probably a little more harshly than he intends to. “Alec still hasn’t talked to me about what happened last time and no I don’t think he is going to, Isabelle.”

    “You are the only one that can make him talk Magnus, we can’t let him bottling up again!”

    “Tell me something I don’t know! And even if I did make him talk it doesn’t mean I would tell you what he said, I’m not betraying his trust.”

 

    Isabelle takes a deep breath and pinches the bridge of her nose. Even on the phone, she can picture Magnus doing the same and it almost makes her lips twitch up.

    A little more than two weeks has passed since Maryse and Robert’s impromptu visit and as far as Izzy knows, Alec still hasn’t talked about it. She wishes he did, at least to Magnus, because what has been said and what happened… She refuses to believe that it didn’t affect her brother.

 

    “I know I see him Saturday but… Tell me Magnus, is he really doing okay?”

 

    She hears the older man sighing at the other end of the phone and she bites her lips as she wait.

 

    “In all honesty, don’t know.” Magnus admits. “He seems okay; he eats well, normally I mean, like, this had not happen in months! And he smiles and he even has projects for the future, I think. But, he looks nervous ever so often and I think his insomnias are back but he doesn’t tell to not worry me. There has been a change in his medication though so maybe it’s related.I tried to confront him about those possible side effects but he told me he feels better than when he was under the other treatment.”

    “I see… You’d tell me if there was anything wrong with him right?”

    “Of course Isabelle, you can trust me on that.”

    “Thank you Magnus.”She says. “I’m sorry I disturbed you during work, I just… I was worried.”

    “I know, it’s okay Isabelle”

    “Okay… Take care of him, yes?”

    “Always.”

    Isabelle smiles and takes another deep breath before hanging up. For some reasons, she wants to cry; it’s not easy to let go and continuously stand powerless when you wish nothing more than help.

    She told her therapist about it, about how much she wants,  _ needs _ , to be needed by her brothers and her friends. How scared she is of being forgotten, unimportant.

    He asked her about her family then and the place she holds in it. It has been painful to admit that she has always been jealous that her brothers got almost the attention even when it isn’t very healthy to them and how she used to do everything for her mother and father to notice her. To _ see _ her. And to confess how jealous she is when she witness how close Jace and Alec are, that she has always been. They are best friends and they are brothers and they used to never leave each others side and of course she was close to them but… They didn’t share the secret language they invented when they were children and they always played together and often had the same activities. With her, it was always, it is still always, different. She never felt needed; they could play without her but not without each others.

    It felt good, so good, to say it, all of it, because when she told that ever since she has had a taste of what it is to be the one they rely on the most she finds it hard to give up on it, the therapist said that it is normal and that she should talk about it with them.

    Maybe she will, Saturday. 

    She will spend the afternoon with Alec, in Magnus and his’ apartment and she intends to take it as an opportunity to confide in him with hope that he confides in her in return. She feels like maybe she is the only one who didn’t have a real talk with Alec yet. She didn’t dare bothering him in the first months, way too worried to push his head back into the water.

    Magnus already talked with him, obviously, and not only because they live together but also because he managed to make him confess to them when he made mistakes like the day he didn’t go to college and worried the Indonesian to death. So it’s a given, Magnus and Alec talked.

    Though none of them said anything, she is sure Jace and Alec also discussed the issue, in addition to their, in the phone after they fought and few days after their parents’ visite when they decided to have the much needed conversation they had planned to have. She doesn’t know what they said to each others but their relationship seems to be better know and she is glad for it.

    But  _ she _ , she hasn’t been able to have a real moment with Alec yet, not to talk about the reasons behind the suicide attempt nor about her own difficulties and fears, with him, and with Clary. Because she wants to share that with him too. Alec used to tell her a lot about Magnus. It actually is the only subject on which Alec confides in her. Maybe because she is pansexual and knows what it is to be attracted to people of the same sex or gender. And she wants,  _ needs _ , to talk about the coming out she might never be able to do to their parents. She wants to hear Alec’s opinion, she wants to know if it worth it.  

 

***

 

“Is that Clary?”

 

Jace turns to look where Alec is pointing.

They are having lunch together after a morning at the archery’s shooting range. If Alec had ask for the meeting, it was Jace who suggested archery.  Not only because he really wants to make amend for time he neglected his brother but also to spend some real quality time with him and well, archery has always been one of Alec’s passion. Jace cannot count the number of time he almost, accidently, got shot by an arrow when Alec started. Jace had tried archery as well but even though he wasn’t bad at it, it was clearly Alec’s thing, not his and so he quickly gave up. Today however, he really had fun and seeing Alec enjoying himself when teaching him and then showing off, he knows this is not something he can regret.

If he must be honest, Jace really hoped to spend the day with Alec, just them and no one else, just like it used to be, but his sister’s redhead girlfriend is trotting toward them, followed by a nerdy looking man and he sees his plan fails. 

 

“Yup, it is her.” He answers as he waves at her and accepts his faith. 

“Hey guys!” She says excitedly as soon as she gets near them.

“Hey.” Alec echoes.

“Hi Clary. And, you are?” Jace asks turning toward the ginger’s friend.

“Lewis. Uh… Simon Lewis. Nice to meet you. You are Isabelle’s brothers right? She talks a lot about you. Well she did when I met her the other day. Alec is the tall one and Jace the blond one. Right? I hope I’m not confusing you, I’m sorry if I do. But I never met you and-”

“The only confusing thing here is you.” Alec cuts him, eyebrows raised. “But yeah, I’m Alec, this is Jace.”

     Simon rambles a lot, about everything. He is wearing a shirt of his own Indie band and comfortable looking black jeans, sneakers and a soft, dark red, hoodie jacket. He wears huge glasses and his hair is a mess. For all the conversation the four of them are having this afternoon, he is over excited, always smiling, always talking, noisy. And Jace should be annoyed by that be he surprisingly isn’t; Simon seems to be the kind of guy that is way too sweet for is own good and maybe even a little naive. He is not stupid though, he is studying accounting. And he is a huge fan of Star Wars and comics, which isn’t surprising at all; Jace would have been shocked if he wasn’t. Simon is the kind of man he would never think about dating, if he was interested in love and relationships. But he can’t deny that he is cute and can see how attractive he could be if he put some more effort on his style. 

    But Jace is having fun, surprising enough, Clary and Simon are funny and seem genuinely happy to have stumble into them and he doesn’t dare to send them away when they sat down at Alec and his’ table and take their order at the same time.

    Maybe it would even be good for Alec, Simon seems to like shows and movies as much as the older does, they could become friends! The prospect is enticing; Alec needs more friends, he needs to go out without Magnus or Izzy and him and be with new people, especially if they share the same interests. Alec needs to have a life outside the comfort zone he made.

    He turns to his brother, almost sure the latter is having a good time as well. They are talking about one of his favourite subject after all, he should be comfortable enough with it to open up and enjoy the moment they are having. 

    But Alec doesn’t look like he is having a good time. His jaw is clenched and he has barely touched his food.

 

***

 

Alec is fuming; this isn’t how their lunch was supposed to go. They were supposed to talk, just Jace and he and they were supposed to have fun. They weren’t supposed to listen to one of Clary’s friends like they are doing right now.

Alec doesn’t care that Simon is talking about one of his favourite shows or movies, he just hears the noise the other man is making and the frustration is building. Hurting.

He doesn’t know why he is feeling like that. Sure, he is always slightly frustrated when things don’t go as they are plan but it has never been such a problem, not as much as it is right now and he doesn’t understand why it suddenly matters so much.

And Simon just won’t stop talking.

Alec has never been from the extrovert part but he was always able to handle a change of plan before.

There are always a lot of them with his siblings and there are always a lot of them when Magnus Bane is your boyfriend and it becomes part of the normal and you just get use to it. Alec isn’t use to it anymore.

And Simon just won’t stop talking.

Maybe if it had been planned Alec would have feel better about it. He hopes at least that it would have been the case. Maybe he would even have enjoy himself and argue with the nerdy looking man a little. Maybe even he would have tease him for liking super-heroes so much and would have share how, though he likes them too, he finds them selfish in many ways and how close he finds them to be to the villains. Maybe they would have agree and maybe they would have debate on it. But right now Alec just wants him to shut his mouth.

And Simon just won’t stop talking.

Alec’s heart is beating too fast. Hammering in his chest. Hurting.

And Simon just won’t stop talking.

Alec’s hears are buzzing now and the noise is stressing him out. The anxiety is rising up, crawling beneath his skin.

And Simon just won’t stop talking.

And everyone seems oblivious to the fact Alec is so close from exploding, his fists clenching and unclenching, his nails digging on his skin.

He just won’t stop talking. He just won’t shut up. His mouth won’t stop moving and words won’t so flowing. And the frustration is building, building, building.

Until Alec’s hands are slammed against the table.

 

“Don’t you ever stop talking?” He spats. “What does it take to have you finally shut your mouth?”

 

Simon closes his mouth abruptly and all eyes are suddenly on Alec, wide and questioning, like they don’t know what is wrong, like they didn’t find it annoying as well.

“Hey!” Clary exclaims, anger burning hot in her eyes.

“What the fuck Alec?!” Jace scolds.

Clary doesn’t say anything more, thankfully, but she is now looking at him with narrowed eyes and Alec is sure that if a glare could kill he would be dead already. Not that he would have really mind.

He sighs and shakes his head. There is no way that he will apology but he is the one who’s seen to be in the wrong there and he suddenly feels so lonely that his stomach hurts.

 

“I’m leaving.” He announces, standing up. “See you later Jace.”

Jace lets him go but Alec wishes he hadn’t and it infuriates him.

He sends him texts though, a few minutes later, asking him if he is alright and if he can call or join him. Alec says he is okay. He doesn’t want to explain; he feels a little ridiculous for his outburst and for being so disappointed and hurt that Jace didn’t went with him in the end. He says no to the call but he says yes to the visit and smiles when Jace promises he will bring snacks. Maybe the afternoon isn’t completely ruined after all.

 

***

 

If he must be honest, Jace has think about leaving Alec without a call or a text. Just to give him a lesson for his behaviour during lunch. And he has considered giving him a call just to yell at him because he was read and shouldn’t have act like that. He even hesitated to ask Simon and Clary to join him and still watch the movie Alec and he had planned to watch at the movie theater.

It’s what he would have done before.

But things have changed and so did he.

Instead, he texted his brother and planned to join him in the apartment he shares with his boyfriend.  

And he takes his time to think about what happened, about what he didn’t see and why Alec reacted like that to Simon. Maybe he should have send Clary and Simon away when they sat at their table, but his brother didn’t say anything about it either. Surely Jace isn’t the only one responsible for who keeps them company or not, surely Alec could have said something if he didn’t want them to be there. 

Maybe. Maybe he could have but maybe he wouldn’t.

 

    Alec never has said anything, ever, when they bumped into Jace’s or Izzy’s friends. He always followed the flow, not saying a word about it, often ending up in his own corner, observing his two younger sibling having fun.  Always keeping things to himself. Always keeping his calm.

    Well, not so much anymore. And Jace is glad for it; he is glad Alec is finally speaking his mind a little more.

    But this is no excuse for treating someone the way he did with Simon. Jace himself can be discourteous, arrogant and even cocky, but he never is that rude.  _ Alec _ is never that rude. 

Jace sighs; he wishes he could understand his brother like he used to. 

    They both have changed since the attempt, maybe even since before, Jace just hadn’t notice. 

    The hardest things with change in people is to accept that the person you knew, the person you know, isn’t and will never be the same. It can be for the best. And it can be for the worst. But this is something you have to accept, something you learn to accept. People change, just like relationships, just like everything.

    When Jace arrives at the apartment, his eyes linger a little too long on the door facing Alec’s. He knows what’s behind it. He knows how it hides the memories, the good and the bad, the ones of when they moved in for the first time, both anxious and excited, feeling they opened a new chapter of their life, a fresh start after Max’s accident. But now, more than ever, the closed door hides the tragic memory, the tragic evidences, of the day Alec tried to end his life.  A day Jace will never forget. He can still vividly see his brother laying in a pool of blood, colours drained from his face. He can still feel the scream that didn’t come out in his throat. Just looking at the door brings him back to the hospital and the weight of all the time they waited crashes him again. 

    He wonders how Alec feels when, every day, he must face that door again.

    He wonders if someone lives there now. He wonders if they know what happened, few months ago, between the bathroom and the hallway. 

    Jace closes his eyes an instant and takes a deep breath, just to give himself the strength to tears his eyes from the place that used to be their home.

 

***

 

It’s late in the afternoon when Magnus gets home, exhausted and dreaming of a hot bubble bath. The days was long and tiring; the clients from the theaters have require for the costumes to be ready one week and half before the due date, changed their mind about one them and he, Tessa and Raphael have therefore spend their day on it.

    It infuriates Magnus how his clients sometimes think that changing an entire design and finishing all the costumes for a show earlier than planned can be done in a snap of his fingers. It cannot. Designing isn’t easy and sewing clothes isn’t sewing a tablecloth. 

    Magnus sighs as he closes the door of the apartment and is surprised that he is not meet with silence, instead, he can hear the sound of the television and hushed voices commenting the show that is on. He frowns. Alec isn’t supposed to be there yet, he is supposed to come home around dinner time and spend the day with his brother, whom he guesses is there too.

 

    “What are you two doing there?” He asks with raised brows when he joins the living-room. “Weren’t you supposed to watch a movie or something?”

    “Y-yeah…” Alec stammers. “We just decided to watch it home instead… I’m sorry?”

    “No need to apology, it’s your home too.” Magnus replies in a softer tone. “I’m the one who’s sorry for coming out strongly, I was just surprised and it’s not to justify myself but I also had a bad day.”

 

    Alec gives him a half smile and Jace stands up. 

 

    “Well it’s my cue to go. You clearly need some time to rest so I wont bother you any longer.” He says and winks when Magnus gives him a thankful smile.

    “I’m going to run myself a bath, I’ll see you later Jace. As for you, Alexander, you are welcome to join me.”

 

    Magnus feels his whole body relax as warm water flows on his hands and he closes his eyes an instant before pouring some bubble-bath in the tub. A fruity scent spreads in the bathroom and he inhales it before letting out a content breathe. He smiles when he hears Alec steps behind him and turns with a smile.

    Magnus walks to his boyfriend and put his arms around his neck, gently stroking the small hair resting on the nape. 

 

    “I’m sorry I didn’t say hello.” He apologies and puts a soft kiss on Alec’s lips. “Hi.”

    “Hi.” 

    “Was your day good?” He asks, detaching himself from the younger man.

 

    Alec shrugs, is gaze now fixed on the filling bathtub.

 

    “What happened?” Magnus asks, a hand on his boyfriend’s bicep. 

 

    Alec sighs and shakes his head a little.

 

    “We ran into Clary and her friend…  _ Simon _ .”

    “Oh…”

    “Anyway, long story short, he was talking so much it was giving me anxiety. I snapped at him and left.” He explains and sighs again. 

    “You snapped at him?” Magnus repeats a little surprised. “Even from you it’s not very nice, Alexander…”

    “Jace already lectured me, I don’t need you to do it as well.”

    “I’m not lecturing you Alec, I’m worried, that’s all.”

    “You have nothing to be worried about.”

 

    The exasperation is clear in Alec’s voice and Magnus rather let it go for now than going into an argument with his boyfriend; he is too tired and certainly not in the mood for that, so he just shakes his head and gives Alec’s arm a gentle squeeze.

 

    “Alright.” He says. “If you say so.”

    “Why can’t you just believe me?!”

 

    If Magnus couldn’t see it before, it is clear now; the strong energy emanating from Alec, the tension on his body and  the need to take it all out, the need to argue and to fight.

    It would be easy to give in and yell. To let his own tension and frustration out and transform it into an argument with Alec.

    But Magnus doesn’t want easy. He doesn’t want to give in.

    He shakes his head and takes a deep breathe.

 

    “I’m not arguing with you right now.” He says. “I had my own day and I want nothing more than take a relaxing, much needed, bath. Now, you can join me and discuss calmly about what is upsetting you so much, and I will do as well, or you can leave the bathroom and pout.”

    “Don’t treat me like a kid!” Alec answers between grit teeth.

    “Then don’t act like one!”

 

    Alec opens his mouth than close it again, like he wanted to talk but can’t let the words out. Magnus holds his gaze unwilling to let the moment go, silently hoping for his boyfriend to sigh and go back to a clear mind. 

    He doesn’t. He sighs, yes, but he storms out of the bathroom, slamming the door behind him. And Magnus stands stunned.

 

    “Well,” he says to himself. “This is certainly not how I planned my evening.”

 

    He deliberates whether going after Alec or not, part of him still anxious one letting an upset Alec alone, and decides that it wouldn’t be wise and would certainly makes things worse.

    Inhaling deeply once the bath is full, he disposes of his clothes and slides in the tub; warm water and soft foam welcoming and soothing his tense body. 

 

***

 

This is unfair. This is just unfair; he knows he’s in the wrong there, he knows neither Jace or Magnus can read his mind and know how he felt when Simon was rambling, he knows Jace wanted to do well when he told him that snapping at Clary’s friend the way he did was wrong and he knows he also wanted to do well when he asked him about why he had reacted like that. And he is thankful that Jace didn’t insist when he said he didn’t want to discuss it. He did though told him that if it wasn’t with him, he definitely needs to talk about it.

But Alec doesn’t want to talk about it, he doesn’t even want to remember it because he is too afraid the crashing feelings will come back and smother him. The frustration and anger are already throbbing in his veins, hitching, and he can’t figure out the way to get it out. He wants to scratch it, to scratch himself and rip his skin, maybe then it will go away. 

He clenches his fist. He clenches his fist and he doesn’t do it. He doesn’t do it because he knows. He knows this isn’t the right thing to do. He knows this will only make his siblings and boyfriend worry more about him. They will  never leave him alone if he does. So he doesn’t, and he clenches his fist.

    He sits on the couch and put his head on his hands, pulling at his hair.

    Breathe in. Count to ten. Breathe out. 

    Breathe in. Count to ten. Breathe out.  

    Breathe in. Count to ten. Breathe out.

    Inhale. Exhale.

    He hates it. He just hates it; realizing how unjustified his anger against Magnus was and if the one he holds against Simon still seems legit, he knows that it is an irrational one, that it isn’t the nerd’s fault. That no one could have realize how he felt and they wouldn’t understand anyway. And he hates it. He hates it so much.  It makes him feel stupid, ridiculous and maybe he is, after all. 

    Breathe in. Count to ten. Breathe out. 

    Breathe in. Count to ten. Breathe out.  

    Breathe in. Count to ten. Breathe out.

    Inhale. Exhale.

    He used to be so strong. He used to carry the weight of the world on his shoulder without stumbling, without tripping, without falling. When did he become so weak? He used to take everything in without a flinch, to handle any situation without batting an eye. Why does he keep losing control? He used to have everything in hands, he used to succeed into keeping calm almost every time. Since when does he needs his siblings’ help? He used to be the one to take care of them. To take care of Jace and the tears he hid. To take care of Isabelle and the freedom she seeked. To take care Max.

    Breathe in. Count to ten. Breathe out. 

    Breathe in. Count to ten. Breathe out.  

    Breathe in. Count to ten. Breathe out.

    Inhale. Exhale.

    Breathe in. Count to ten. Breathe out. 

    Breathe in. Count to ten. Breathe out.  

    Breathe in. Count to ten. Breathe out.

    Inhale. Exhale.

    Breathe in. Count to ten. Breathe out. 

    Breathe in. Count to ten. Breathe out.  

    Breathe in. Count to ten. Breathe out.

    Inhale. Exhale.

    Water. He needs water.

    He stands up, shaking a little and hurries to the kitchen.

    He drinks water directly from the faucet. 

    The cold liquid runs down his throat and he can feels it all over his body, calming, refreshing. He hadn’t even realize he was hot but now, he can feels his cheeks, his ears and the back of his neck burning.

    Alec wonders if anyone can die from drinking too much water the way he does right now. That would be pretty ridiculous.

    And he keeps drinking, until the burn is gone.

    The rest of the night goes slow. Too slow.  He doesn’t know when Magnus would be out of his bath so Alec orders pizza, not finding in him the energy to cook.

    They eat in silence Magnus obviously waiting for Alec to break the ice.

    He knows he should. He knows he have to apology but he doesn’t have the words. He is just tired now. So tired. 

    When Magnus sits in front of the television, Alec hesitates a little before sitting next to him, with a reasonable distance from his boyfriend.

    He doesn’t remember the last time an argument turned like that; Magnus is always careful with him since the attempt, he makes sure their fights don’t get too bad, he makes sure Alec doesn’t feel like he isn’t wanted, he makes sure to always be there, always tries to understand,  always asks how he feels, always makes sure there is no way Alec feels the need to end his days, makes sure he doesn’t try again.

    He sits there, staring at the screen for about one hour and he doesn’t know why; he doesn’t even like the show; Magnus usually watches it alone. 

    The shower helps with the remains of anger and anxiety. He stays longer than needed, longer than usual, below the trail of water. He feels better, he feels good, almost.

    He goes to bed right after. He doesn’t tell Magnus and turns his back to the middle of the bed so he doesn’t have to face him when he decides to join the bed.  Alec is still too ashamed to look at his boyfriend in the eyes.

    He doesn’t know long he has waited for the mattress to finally sink under Magnus’ weight, he might even have thought for a while that the latter won’t join him tonight. He barely blinks as he hopes for his boyfriend to just come already, to not leave him alone in a cold bed.

    The sound of the opening door is the first clue that Magnus has not decided to abandon him but Alec is only fully relieved when he feels the mattress sinking and the blanket moving. He can only breathe again when he finally senses that his boyfriend is by his side.

    The silence is heavy in the room, palpable, thick. Alec wants to break it, shatter it, destroy it.

    They never go to bed mad at each others, they never let this happen; none of them want to sleep knowing one is still upset at the other. It’s something Alec has always loved about their relationship and if he doesn’t know why they are doing it, how it came to them, how they silently decided it, he is glad for it.

    But tonight he is afraid that if he isn’t the one who make a move, they will fall asleep while still not talking to one another and Alec can’t just let that happen.

    It’s his fault, he knows it and Magnus knows it. That why the older man is waiting for him to make the first move.  So he does.

 

    “Magnus I’m sorry.” He says and his voice sounds oddly fragile. “I… I was unfair to you. I don’t know what happened to me but… No matter what it was… I shouldn’t have taken it all on you. I’m sorry.”

 

    Alec waits for Magnus to answer. He dares pray that he will when as the seconds pass Magnus still is silent.

    Finally,  _ finally _ , Magnus sighs. Alec hears the soft shuffle of the blanket and he fears an instant that his boyfriend is going to leave. He doesn’t know why he is afraid, Magnus never leaves.

    Finally,  _ finally _ , a strong arm wraps around him and Magnus chest touches his back, the Indonesian’s lips caressing his nape.

 

    “You’re forgiven.” Magnus says softly and presses a kiss on his skin. “Now sleep.”

    “Good night Magnus. I love you.”

    “I love you too.”

 

    And finally,  _ finally _ , Alec feels alive. 

_     At last _ .

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All of what Alec is feeling during the lunch with Simon, with his fight with Magnus and during his panic attack are based, we could even say copied, on my own experiences, on my own thoughts, on my own feelings; if you go through the same kind of things, I want you to know you are not alone. If you go through panic attacks and issues related to the chapter but don't feel it the way I described it, then I want you to know that it is still valid, that you are still valid and that you are not alone either.
> 
> Jace is doing his best, I hope everyone can see and appreciate it, it's hard to know how to act around someone you are trying to reconnect with.
> 
> I wish I could say more, like I always do, but it's hard for me right now and I apologise for that.  
> I hope you all enjoyed the chapter.  
> If I can't write the next chapter in two weeks I'll try to make you another bonus. Is there anything you'd like to read in relation to this fiction?


	26. Bonus 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's another bonus!  
> I hope you will all like it though!

    Magnus has never met someone as hard to approach as Alec is. He has never met someone so adamant to open themselves as Alec is. But he has never been so drawn to someone before and every steps he makes to get close to the young man worth all the difficulties of the world.

    They aren’t dating -yet-, Magnus is still gathering the courage to ask his neighbour out. Usually, it wouldn’t be a problem for him but everything is different with Alec and if he can see that his feelings are not one sided, if he can feel their chemistry and the tension between them every time they are alone… He is afraid that moving too fast would scare Alec off. 

    They never invite each others in their apartment but they talk a lot. In the elevator. In front of their doors. In front of the building. It’s sweet, really, how they smile to each others, like nothing is more important than those small moments they get, than those few minutes that sometimes turn into an hour. 

    They are always closer than necessary and yet he still can’t touch him. He still see the wall Alec has protectively build up between them, like he can’t allow himself to have more than stolen moments with Magnus. 

    The conflict is so obvious in his eyes, every time they meet, that it scares Magnus a little. Because Magnus need them to have a chance. Because he wishes nothing more. Because he doesn’t think he ever has. Because he might already be a little in love.

It’s not his fault, really. Alec eyes are just too hazel, too bright, too warm. And his smile is just too sweet, too radiant. And his voice is just too deep, too gentle and his laugh too soft. And it’s not his fault if Alec is so wonderfully tall and if his hair are so exceptionally dark and his skin so beautifully pale. And Alec can only be claimed guilty for being so nice and kind and shy on top of that.

If you ask Magnus there is no such things as lucky days. But as he gets out of the elevator and sees Alec, sitting on the corridor, bag next to him and book on his hands, he might start believe that they  _ do _ exist in the end.

 

“Well hello, what are you doing on the floor Alexander?” He asks with an amused smile.

 

Alec startles and blush. He gets up quickly and almost trip on his feet. Magnus can’t help but chuckle a little. Alec smiles back at him and scratch the back of his head.

 

“I-erm… I went home early and, huh… I forgot my keys?” He explains though it sounds more like a question. “Iz and Jace don’t come back until late so, I figured I’d sit and wait, I have a good book anyway. And before you ask no I didn’t really feel like going to a café.”

“Oh. Well, I would feel bad leaving you there. Do you want to come inside? Maybe?” Magnus proposes gesturing to his apartment door, his heart beating furiously on his chest.

 

    Alec looks back on forth between the door and Magnus. He seems to hesitate and Magnus is already expecting him to refuse.

    But Alec nods, pink colouring his cheeks again.

 

    “Sure, thank you.”

 

    Magnus beams at him. Honestly, he feels a little ridiculous at how happy it makes him. He is giddily at the simple idea to have Alec in his home, to have the possibility to have a conversation where they don’t have to stand, where they aren’t in a hurry or in front of their respective doors, bag of groceries set on the floor after ten minutes of conversation. No. Right now he has the perspective to share a drink, maybe dinner, if he’s lucky. 

 

    “What can I offer you? Tea? Cocktail maybe?” He asks once they are inside.

    “Oh, I don’t drink.” Alec replies with an embarrassed chuckle. “Tea is okay. Or… Coffee? Do you have coffee? It’s okay if you don’t. Tea is perfect. Or water. Water is perfect too.”

    “Tea then, I don’t have coffee I’m afraid. Bit I have this very good tea my British friend, Ragnor, brought me back from London. It’s a little bitter, I think you will like it.”

 

    Alec doesn’t like the tea, Magnus can tell. It’s obvious by the way the young man scrunches his nose and lick his lips. But he doesn’t say anything. He keeps drinking. And he keeps smiling at Magnus, like it doesn’t matter, like it’s not a big deal, like he doesn’t care whether or not the tea is good or not because he is enjoying the instant and it makes Magnus’ heart flutter. 

They talk. They talk a lot actually. Magnus doesn’t think he ever heard Alec talk that much before. His young neighbour seems so comfortable with him right now, carefree, almost. And it is just so  _ magical _ to see him open like that, to hear him make silly jokes and tell silly stories about his brother and sister. And listening to him complaining about his marketing teacher and frustratingly rolling his eyes about her and how she lose herself in the lessons she gives is so endearing that Magnus has to refrain himself from kissing the young man. 

But Alec is also a good listener and Magnus can literally  _ see _ how the younger man is drinking his words. Because Alec’s eyes never leave him. They never stop looking at him. And they are so warm Magnus thinks he’ll soon burst into flames.

It feels like a date. But Magnus knows it isn’t. 

Still, he can’t help but hope that soon they will get a real one.

Alec looks at his watch and Magnus’ stomach churns a little. He doesn’t want Alec to go. Not now.  _ Not ever _ .

 

“Would you like to stay for dinner?” He blurts out, trying to buy as much time as he can.

 

Alec seems surprised, his huge eyes widening a little more. He opens his mouth, then closes it again.

 

“I… I promised to Jace and Izzy that I’d made dinner…”

“Oh.”

“But-” Alec starts taking a deep breath. “Maybe, we could… I don’t know, still have dinner… Sometimes? Or lunch. Lunch is good too. Brunch also. Or just coffee? I-”

“Yes.” Magnus answers stopping his neighbour’s rambling. “I would love to, Alexander.”

“Okay.” Alec says and a brightening smile graces his face. “Great.” He presses his lips together. “I- I gonna go now.”

 

He gets up and Magnus follows, watching him stumbling a little. 

 

“Good night,” He says when they are at the door. “I’ll… I’ll see you. Soon.”

“Good night, Alexander.”

 

Magnus stares as Alec knocks at his own apartment which soon opens on Izzy. The young man turns a last time to him, waving him goodbye. The door closes, leaving Magnus, a smile plastered on his face and a heart full of hope.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this was light, but I needed to write something like this.  
> Today is my birthday and honestly it makes me emotional. For a lot of reasons. The main one being that until not so mong ago I didn't think I would get to the age of 25. I thought I would die before.  
> But there I am and it both feel so right, and so wrong.  
> Because I didn't thought about it before last week, but as I said I never expected to be alive today. And it got me so confused. I never planed past that age. I never really looked into a future past that age and I feel lost.   
> But it also feels amazing. Because despite everything that has been going on in my head I am here. I am alive. And I turned 25.  
> And maybe there are people who have felt or who feel just the same. Maybe there are people who also think they will not pass a certain age because life is too hard and too painful.  
> But I want you all to know that it is possible. That you can do it. It's hard and it hurts and it's painful still, but you can do it. You can stay alive, you can survive. And maybe sometimes you lose hope and that's okay. Hope hides sometimes... But it will come back. It always comes back.   
> You are all important and for all of those who are commenting, you can't imagine how much help you are giving to me. You can't imagine how much you brighten my days.  
> I love you all so very much. Even if I don't know all of you. And I am so thankful to have all of you here. To have all of you, somehow, in my life.
> 
> So thank you. From the bottom of my heart.


	27. Anatomy of Relationships II

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there !!!   
> Here is a new chapter  
> I want to apology because I know I don't post chapters as regularly... I hope you like all the bonuses though....  
> There will probably be more to come because this part of the story is really hard for me to write...
> 
> I hope you will like this chapter and I'll see you all at the end-note

    Alec wakes with Magnus still wrapped around him.

    It’s one of his favourites way to wake; it makes him feel safe, untouchable,  _ loved _ . The world could crumble he’d still don’t want to move; he’d give anything for this moment to last forever, free of everything: worry, pain, sadness, doubts… Nothing troubling his serenity.

    Except the thought of it. 

    Except the thought of all the problem he thinks he is free of. 

    He doesn’t notice them at first, cocooned in the warm of the bed, he doesn’t pay attention. He doesn’t see them making their way to his brain, naging and jabing.

    He doesn’t realize they are there until they are stabbing him.

    Alec closes his eyes, trying to get back to the tranquility his mind is supposed to be. Trying to get back to safety. Trying to get back to when he doesn’t wish he wasn’t himself.

    But he can’t. And he sighs. And he breathes. Slowly and as silently as possible. He doesn’t want to wake his boyfriend. 

    He stares at the clock, where the red digital numbers are flashing. It’s barely five in the morning.

    This isn’t really surprising, his sleep has been leaving him earlier and earlier for a while now. But it’s okay, he thinks, he is still doing better than he used to; he eats and he smiles and he laughs and he  _ feels _ . He feels  _ everything _ . There is nothing numb anymore, it’s all strong.  _ So strong _ .

    Alec slides out of Magnus’ arms and sits up. He stretches and puts on the first sweatshirt he finds, pulling on the sleeves; he doesn’t want to see his scars, not now. There are days where he his okay with the scars on his wrist; they don’t always bother him. Because Jace says they are part of his story now. Because Isabelle says they are part of him. Because Magnus kisses them. Because everyone says they are proof that he survived. But there are days where he can’t even look at them, where they only reminds him of something he failed, of everything he failed: going to film school, saving Max, business school, dying… So many things.

    And Alec has been taught that he should never fail, that failing is shameful. And if Magnus is trying to make him understand that it’s okay, that he doesn’t have to feel guilt and that it’s okay to not succeed in something, it’s still is hard to unlearn what he’s always been told.

    He take a few more deep, calculated, breaths, for good measure, before he stands and leaves the bedroom. 

    He doesn’t know what it is, this weird sensation that never leave his chest; it doesn’t feel good, it feels like something is rubbing or flowing out his heart and it makes it hard to breathe if he focus on it. But it doesn’t feel too bad either; it doesn’t hurt and it doesn’t make his life impossible. It’s just there, like an annoying small tag on a sweatshirt. The kind that you don’t think to take off because you because it doesn’t hitch, because it doesn’t irritate your skin, because you barely feel it.  _ Barely _ ; you still now it’s there, you still feel it on your skin and sometimes you wish you had think about taking it off and done it, because it still  _ tingles  _ and the more you think about it, the more you focus on it, and the more you focus on it, the more you feel it. And when you start feeling it too much, when the tingles become needles, it starts to hurt.

    He makes himself coffee a strong Ethiopian one from the collection Jace and Magnus gifted him after they saw on a website that it was one of the best coffees in the world. Alec had been amazed that they had been able to agree on something and buy him something together. It was at a time his brother and his boyfriend didn’t get along, at all. It was the time Jace didn’t really approve Magnus because he didn’t understand him; Magnus is so eccentric and bold that the blond man was scared he would be a bad influence or maybe force Alec in doing something he doesn’t want to do. And Magnus hated Jace cockyness. But eventually time played its role; Jace realized that Magnus would never do anything to hurt Alec and Magnus learned to accept Jace’s humor and character. Alec believes the troubles they still have to get along sometimes is due to their resemblance. They are quite alike, Magnus and Jace, in some ways. They are both confident and overly proud. But what Alec likes the most about both of them is how, sometimes, they can be overdramatic, “drama queens” as Isabelle likes to say. But if Magnus completely agree on that and will play with it, Jace is still oblivious of it, denies it and even pout when Magnus or Isabelle make fun of him for it.  

    Smiling at the memories, Alec takes a long sip of coffee as he sits down on the couch, the soft blanket that usually lays on it wrapped around his shoulders. He also grabs the book he has started a few days ago and still hasn’t finished.

    There is something comforting in all of this. The coffee that burns his throat and the blanket that keeps him warm and the book that allows his mind to escape somewhere else, somewhere far. It makes him forget, for a short instant, the sandpaper feelings rubbing at his heart.

 

***

 

    Finals are the time of the year Jace dreads the most. Not only because of the stress of the exams but also because he is afraid to messed up somehow and fail his year. 

    Lightwoods don’t fail.

    And he always wishes to prove that he is one. 

    For himself, and for Maryse and Robert. Maryse and Robert who usually send him a text, a message, a call… Just to wish him good luck or to say “break a leg”. 

    But not this week.

    Not on Monday.

    Not on Tuesday.

    They didn’t even call yesterday, when he had a free day.

    Not today.

    It scares him. 

    It scares him so much.

    What happened two weeks ago is probably in cause; they did send them out after all, they did take Alec’s defense and protected him as they could. They did  _ chose a side _ . And maybe they did lose their parents in the process. 

    And yes, Alec is right, they never really took care of them but they did take him in, they did adopt him and treat him as if he was a son from their flesh and blood, they did show him some love and affection.

    And yes, they have been horrible toward Alec, they have been monsters and more toxic than any poison.

    But he can’t. He can’t stop wishing for them to send a text. He can’t stop wishing for them to call him. He can’t stop wishing for their blessings. He can’t stop  _ loving _ them.

    And it’s killing him. It’s killing him because after all they’ve done, they don’t deserve it. It’s unforgivable and he should be hating them from the bottom of his heart. He should be ashamed to have them calling themselves his parents. He should be ashamed to be related in anyway to them. He wants to. He wants to be so angry, so furious, so mad at them that it consume all the love he has left for them. 

    He wants his choice to protect Alec to be easier.

    Maybe they are busy.

    Maybe they will contact him tomorrow.

    Maybe they aren’t angry to the point of abandoning him.

    Jace sighs and put his phone down as he hears Isabelle’s loud yawn behind him, he wishes he could talk to her about it. He wishes he could ask if Maryse and Robert contacted her. But he is scared to upset her and he scared that she will call him crazy for hoping they would, for hoping they don’t give up on them as well. He’s scared she would abandon him as well and accuse him of siding against Alec. 

    He is so sick of being scared, afraid,  _ terrified _ . It makes him feel weak and he hates weakness.

    He knows it’s alright, he knows it’s not something he should be ashamed of, he knows it’s normal and he knows that everyone is scared sometimes. For all kind of different reasons. But he hates when it happens to him.

 

    “Good morning.” He says as she sits across him.

    “Mornin’” She grumbles back.

    “Did you stay up late ?” He asks as he stands to pour her a large cup of coffee.

    “Yeah… Clary called and we fought so I went late on revising and I really needed to read this lesson again because I wasn’t in class the day it was given.” 

 

    Jace smiles gently as he hands the mug to her. Izzy’s long black hair is wild and she hasn’t put her makeup on yet. Jace can even see her purple-ish dark circles. But even there, Jace couldn’t be prouder to have such a beautiful sister.  She wears a long T-shirt as a pyjama which probably belonged to Alec and is a few years old as he can see multiple tiny holes on the sleeves and collar.

    Isabelle has had stealing her brothers’ old T-shirt for as long as Jace as known her, especially Alec’s since he’s the tallest one. 

    Everyone who doesn’t know her would tend to think she is the kind of woman who wears some kind of lingerie or nightdresses at night, and she does possess some, but it’s rare for her to put them on. He at least has never seen her in one of those, thanks Heaven.

    Jace has always wondered if it is because Alec and his T-shirt are more comfortable than her night clothes or if it is something more. He wouldn’t dare asking though.

 

“What happened?”

 

She shrugs and sips her coffee, closing her eyes for a second, obviously enjoying the beverage.

 

“She told me what you said; that you guys met at the restaurant and that Alec was rude to Simon.” She explains and Jace nods, encouraging her to continue. “I said that Alec was probably not feeling very well and she cut me and started saying that he should apology and ended up with a kind of ‘what is wrong with him?!’ and I lost it. It just made me so angry because she knows what Alec did and this is how we met each others again so it’s really not like she doesn’t know what is ‘wrong’ with Alec. She says his depression isn’t an excuse to be mean but…Even if she’s right, in a way, I don’t think it’s something he can control it, so... I don’t know.”

 

Jace sighs. He understand. Isabelle, and Clary and maybe even Alec. And maybe the way and the why his brother acted isn’t excusable but maybe, maybe, it’s understandable. Maybe people can try to get it, to understand him. Maybe people can see that it is not always easy. 

 

“I understand.” He soothes softly and puts a hand on Izzy’s shoulder.

 

She puts her hand on his, offering him a weak smile.

“Thank you.” She says.

 

***

Magnus is awoken by the incessant ring of his alarm and the strong smell of coffee, which means Alec is not in bed right now, again.

Magnus groans and pushes his head on his cushion before shutting the alarm, sitting on the bed and rubbing his eyes, memories of his argument with Alec rushing back in his mind. 

He groans again and let himself fall back on the mattress; he has to talk with his boyfriend about the fight, to ask him to explain what went wrong and why he was so upset… Without forcing him to talk and, mainly, without upsetting him again.

This is something new, with Alec, how faster he gets angry or how sensitive he has become. Sometimes,  _ Magnus barely recognize his boyfriend _ . And sometimes, _ it’s like nothing has ever been wrong _ .

But he knows, something is very wrong.

Alec is too twitchy, too reactive, too nervous. He hides it behind the fact that he eats normally again and says that he gets happier.

It’s true, in a way. Alec laughs more easily, he smiles often and he doesn’t even bat an eye when Magnus steals some of the food he has been making.

Maybe he is being over reactive, maybe he just isn’t used to Alec real personality as most of it was smothered by his depression. Maybe it’s just his imagination. Maybe he just getting a little paranoïd. Maybe Alec is fine.  _ God _ , he hopes he is. 

A knock on the door tears him from his inner turmoil.

 

“Magnus? Babe? Are you awake? I made breakfast!”

 

_ Babe _ . Alec only calls him that when something is wrong between them, about himself, about Magnus, about anything. It’s almost unconscious. Maybe it’s only because of the fight. Maybe it’s because he feels guilty. Maybe it’s because he isn’t feeling as good as he say he does. For now, he’ll ignore it.

 

“You’re a blessing darling! I’m up!”

 

Magnus doesn’t even need to see through the door to know that Alec is smiling proudly to himself right now. He has made breakfast every morning for the past weeks but he always seems as happy with himself as if he made it for the first time.

It’s true that as the days have pass he has become better at all of this and even tried different omelet, pancakes and waffles recipes. Magnus wonders what it will be this time. 

Slipping on a blue and silver silk robe, he walks to to the door. He takes a deep breath before opening it.

He doesn’t know why but he almost expected Alec to have wait for him behind the door like he does sometimes. But he didn’t today and though he is disappointed, Magnus can’t help a smile when he hears the whistling of the teapot and the sound of plates being filled. It smells like eggs and bacon and coffee and sweet mornings.

Alec soon appears, holding two plates full of scrambled eggs with tomatoes and bacon. His hair is a mess and he wears one of his long sleeves T-shirt with only a pair of boxer. A soft smug grin is playing of his face and his eyes are perfectly crinkled. 

He is beautiful. And Magnus thinks he might just be melting.

 

“Good morning.” 

“Good morning, Love.” Magnus answers and takes the few steps that separate him from his boyfriend.

 

He seizes the plates and gently captures Alec’s smile between his lips.

“So, what are you doing today?” Alec asks as he sits.

“Well, a lot actually, I have a new big client I will meet today while Tessa and Raphael will finish the costumes for the play. Then I’ll have to make a call to my other big client to whom I submitted the designs for his summer’s “VIP” collection and wants to talk about it in the phone instead of just sending a message. And  _ then  _ we’ll either start sewing either continue designing.” He sighs before taking a mouthful of his food. “What about you?”

“I don’t know… I thought maybe archery but I don’t really feel like it.” He shrugs. “Maybe I’ll stay here and finish my book or watch a new show. I also wanted to reorganized my stuffs.”

“Reorganizing your stuffs?” Magnus repeats, arching a brow.

“Yeah, reorganizing, cleaning... so they are more easy to find and see, for me or anyone, you know?”

“I guess.” He answers with a soft smile. “Well, I hope you can find an organization that suits you.”

 

The breakfast goes silent for a while after that. There are dark circles around Alec’s eyes, Magnus notices, they are a little more pronounced everyday and that worries him. He’d like to bring it up but he doesn’t dare, there are talks they must have before: Alec’s stress and the argument they had yesterday night, something Alec does seem to avoid, unless he is waiting for Magnus to break the ice.

They always talk about their fights. They express their feelings and the things they couldn’t say  under the anger and the overwhelming emotions. And everytime it reminds Magnus how important communication is.

Magnus sighs as he understand Alec will not talk about it unless he does it first.

 

“Are you going to tell me what happened, really, yesterday?”

“I told you already.” He huffs. “We walked on Simon and Clary, I was rude to Simon, Jace lectured me then you know, we had our argument.”

“But why were you rude to Simon? This isn’t you Alexander, what happened?”

 

Alec sighs and stares at his breakfast, playing a little with his fork and eggs. 

 

“I don’t know I just… They weren’t supposed to stay with us and I really want to spend the day with Jace. And Simon… He was just _ so _ over excited and he was talking and talking and talking and…” He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath as if the memory itself was painful. “And the noise of the restaurant and his voice it just… I don’t know, I was suffocating and I couldn’t breath anymore so I just… I snapped.” He says in a defeated tone. “And then everyone was against me. And I know it’s my fault, they couldn’t have known just like you couldn’t and I get it I do but… It’s just so  _ frustrating _ .” Alec tries to explain, throwing his hands in the air as to illustrate the feeling he is describing. “His voice was ringing in my head and it hurt, Magnus, it  _ hurt _ and no one could see.”

 

Magnus wishes he could say something. Something reassuring, something like ‘ _ I understand _ ’. God, he wishes he did indeed. But he doesn't. Sure, he  _ gets _ it, he knows what Alec is talking about, sure he knows the frustration and the being stuck with people and noise you don’t want to see or hear… But it never suffocated him like Alec says it did on him. Magnus can’t even begin to comprehend the pain Alec had felt.

 

“Have you never felt like that?” Alec asks, hopeful and eager to be understand, to not be alone.

 

Magnus wants to say ‘yes’.

 

“I’m sorry.” He answers instead.

 

He doesn’t want to lie.

Alec looks down and Magnus’ heart breaks all over again. 

 

“This doesn’t mean you are alone Alexander, I’m sure you are not the only one feeling this way. And even if you were, that doesn’t make it less valid, okay?”

 

Alec shrugs. Magnus decides to let it pass.

 

“I’m also sorry for yesterday. I had my own frustrations going on.”

“I was in the wrong, I provoked you; you have nothing to be sorry for.”

 

Magnus knows. He is sorry anyway.

 

***

 

    It’s late in the afternoon when Isabelle finally gets home. She is exhausted by today’s finals but she still need to study for the last one which is her, not very exciting, prospect for the night. She let out a tired sigh and put her bag on her bed.

    From the noises she hears coming from the kitchen she guesses that Jace is already home, presumably making himself a snack from which she will have no shame stealing half of. 

    She swaps her tight jeans with a pair of comfortable sweatpants, take her bra off and ties her hair into a low ponytail. She loves that these small things only already relax her and she can’t help a smile as she pictures herself in the shower, warm water sliding on her back, between her shoulder blades and making its way the length of her spine and from her shoulders to her breasts and down to  her navel until it travels on her legs and reach her feet. She misses the bathtub they had in their old apartment. She would have take bath then, warm surrounding her body, hair floating around her neck and shoulders and the floral scents of a bath bomb or oil calming and soothing nerves and mind. She would have stayed until her fingers wrinkle.

    She lets a sorrowful sigh out and walks to the kitchen where Jace is staring intensely at his phone. There is a huge bag of chips and a plate in front of him with two roasted ham sandwiches and another one with almost the same content across him, there are tomatoes on these ones, which she guesses it’s for her since Jace doesn’t like tomatoes on his sandwich.

 

    “Jace, I love you!” She exclaims grabbing the plate.

 

    He takes his eyes off his phone and raise his brow at the sudden declaration. He smirks when he sees Izzy with her mouth full, enjoying fully the food he made.

 

    “I know.” He teases. “I’m your favourite brother. How were your exams?”

    “Lame but I think I nailed most of it so there’s that. Yours?”

    “Cool. Well, huh, I don’t really know for today, I was a little distracted for some reasons, couldn’t focus.”

    “Which explains all the comfort food.”

    “Yeah… Kind of.”

    “Wanna talk about it?”

    “Not really.” Jace shrugs. “I don’t think it’s something you want to hear anyway.”

 

    Isabelle frowns and sits, reaching for her brother foreharms. She wants,  _ needs, _ to show him that whatever it is he can trust her, that there is nothing he could say that will make her run.

 

    “I don’t care if it’s not something I’d want to here Jace, I’m your sister, I’m here for you, you can tell me anything.”

 

    Jace sighs. He hesitates. He sighs again.

    Isabelle knows then that she won.

 

“Have the parents contact you?” Her brother asks, looking away from her.

 

    So that’s it. She should have guessed.  _ Hell _ , she should have known.

 

    “No.” She replies. “They haven’t.”

 

    She squeezes Jace’s arms, she understand how it can affect him; Jace has always been scared of being abandoned, of being alone. This is why he always surrounds himself with people that he doesn’t always really see as his friends. This is why he tries to keep the one he loves close to him. And this is why he is still trying to put himself first. 

    It would be a lie though, if she said she isn’t affected by the lack of contact from Maryse and Robert as well. Because she is.

 

    “Is it bad if I want them to?”

    “No.” She says, slowly shaking her head. “I’d also like them to. But to be honest I don’t know what I’d say to them. Because I’m still angry and I am so disappointed and sad for what they’ve said and done and I don’t think I could ever forgive them for that.”

    “Me neither but-”

    “They are our parents.” Izzy cuts in. “I get it.” 

Jace looks up and Isabelle feels her heart tighten when she realizes he is about to cry. 

 

“I wish… I want to hate them, so  _ badly _ . But I just can’t. They are the worst parents in the world and I still  _ love _ them.”

 

His voice is tight, full of restrained tears and frustration and Isabelle gets it, because she is just the same. She too can’t stop loving Maryse and Robert and yet she wants to, for how cruel they have been, for how unfair they are, for how cruel they are. And the conflict in her heart is eating her biting and gnawing. Hurting. And she wants all of this to disappear. She wants to throw it all away but she knows, she knows she can’t and she knows it wont. Not until she makes peace, with that feeling she can’t control no matter how much she wants to. Not until she makes peace with herself.

 

“I understand.” She says, like Jace said to her this morning. “And it’s okay. I love them too. And I hate them both just as much for what they’ve done. It’s normal, Jace, they are our parents, and I’m sure Alec still loves them too, despite everything and I can’t even begin to imagine how painful it is for him as well.”

Isabelle can visibly see it: his shoulders slouch back a little and his eyes soften; Jace relaxes as relief wash over him. 

But she knows that’s not only the fear of being the only one still loving their parents that worried him. Izzy knows how afraid he is of being left alone. He has always been, for as long as she has known him at least, when he first came into their home, when he was adopted, when his biological parents had died already, when his biological parents disappeared and left him all alone.

 

“And even if I didn’t love them anymore,” She soothes softly. “ Even if Alec didn’t either, we wouldn’t abandon you. We wouldn’t be angry or upset, I swear to you Jace, you have nothing to be scared about. You are our brother, from the day you stepped in our house to forever.”

 

***

 

Alec smiles; his head is on Magnus’ lap and they are watching that show he hates but Magnus loves so much. He doesn’t mind today. It just feel great to lay there, with his boyfriend’s hand gently stroking his hair, curling the longest strands on his fingers. 

It felt good to talk, to explain. It relieved him from a weight he tried to carry alone but which was too heavy for him to move. He decides that he will try to tell Jace as well and maybe Izzy, if she asks; he has no doubt that Clary will have tell her what happened. She had look so angry and he understands why; he isn’t stupid, he would have been angry too if someone had snap at Jace, Magnus or Izzy the way he did at Simon.

It felt good because it swiped away the tension between him and his boyfriend and thank to that, the evening has been quiet and relaxing, peaceful. They have talked about their day and he has let Magnus complain about everyone of his clients and their crazy demands.

Alec doesn’t say it often, but he is proud of Magnus. His boyfriend has fight so hard to make his name known in the industry, he has fought racism and prejudices. He has shown all the people who were doubting him because he is Indonesian, because of his mother’s religion, because he and Raphael were foster kids, because he wears makeup and even because of his sexuality, he has shown them all that he could do it. That he is good and that he, Tessa and Raphael deserve the attention. And know they don’t only find their clients in local theaters, they’ve had an article in a magazine and they are starting to have bigger, more important clients and they are proud, so proud. And Alec is sure, they are going to get bigger and bigger and they’ll deserve it, too.

Magnus lower his gaze and their eyes lock. Alec smiles again. It is so much better than how it was the previous night. It feels so much better to be at peace with the man he loves.

Alec raise his hand and puts it on Magnus cheek. He gently slides if behind his neck and gently pushes as he straightens up, just so their lips meet. 

Magnus hums, both content and annoyed.

 

“You’re going to make me miss important parts of my show!” He whines when Alec sits on his laps. “And take that smug smile out of your face.” He adds when Alec grins.

 

But the younger man doesn’t listen and starts nibbling at his boyfriend’s ear lobe, teasing.

He knows nothing sexual will happen tonight. They don’t have discuss it but he can feel it, there isn’t any sexual electricity between them at the moment and Alec doesn’t want to create it. He just want to play a little, to tease a little. 

 

“Alexander.” Magnus groans. “I want to know who gets eliminated stop distracting me!”

 

Alec smiles on his neck, God, he loves this man, so much.

 

“I’m serious Alec, I love you but if you try anything else before the end of the episode I swear you sleep on the couch tonight.”

 

This time he chuckles, he knows his boyfriend’s threat isn’t serious but he still settles and sits more comfortably on Magnus laps for the rest of the evening. People usually think that it would be a little difficult; he is taller than Magnus after all and his legs are long enough that it could take time for him to find a position which isn’t awkward. But it strangely isn’t. It’s like his body and brain know how to quickly find the best position for both of them to be comfortable. Alec likes to think that it’s because they are made for each others, because they are made to fit together. 

    He sighs contently when the older man puts his arms around him, pulling him into a tight embrace and sweetly,  _ lovingly _ , gives him a few butterfly kisses him on his neck before turning his attention back to the television.

He should feel great. He should feel warm. This is an happy moment. This is a comforting moment. This is a good moment. This is a sweet moment. And yet, it didn’t leave. And yet, _ and yet _ , it is still there: the sandpaper rubbing at his heart.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes, with depression, you can feel like you're going back. And it's okay. It's okay if this happens, there is nothing wrong with you, it's normal. And it's normal to try hiding it. It's normal, but dangerous. And it happened so many times with me that I needed it to happen there, so... sorry for the heavy angst I guess?
> 
> It's hard, to hate someone you love. Even when they are terrible. Even when they are cruel. And you should never feel guilty about those feelings.
> 
> The sandpaper rubbing at the heart... It's the words I was able to put on how I am feeling, all the time. Even when I'm happy. It never leaves, it's always there. Always. And sometimes it's hard and so, so frustrating to live with that because it hurts. It's something we have to learn to do, living with it, hoping one day it will disappear. Because it will. I'm sure it will.
> 
> I hope you all liked this chapter, and I will see you all in two weeks, probably for a new bonus chapter :)  
> thank you so much for the support you all are giving me, I love you all <3


	28. Bonus 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys!  
> So.... I'm sorry this is such a short bonus... I'm currently going through writer block...  
> I hope you will still like it though...

    Love, crushing on someone, this isn’t something Alec ever thought he’d really go through. It’s something he didn’t think he’d ever be able to feel, to live. Because it’s weird and it makes you whole body shake and your blood buzz. It’s strong and powerful and it almost an ache. And he never wanted it.

    But there he is. Smiling like an idiot, his heart thumping against his ribcage, his blood buzzing, aching. And he hates every bit of it. 

    He doesn’t deserve it.

    Alec never expected someone like Magnus to barge into his life like a tornado, destroying everything he knows and believes. Making him feel happy for the first time in so,  _ so _ , long.

    But he doesn’t deserve it.

    And he’d rather ignore the interest the other man is showing. Because it’s easier to repress his own feelings if he convinces himself Magnus will never like him, love him, the same. 

    And it hurts more, too.

    Love, crushing on someone, his isn’t something Alec is ready for. He’d rather save himself from the humiliation of thinking he can get something he doesn’t deserve. Of something that can’t,  _ shouldn’t _ , happen to him.

    But he remembers how he said that he would be up for dinner or lunch or brunch or anything after Magnus invited him to stay for dinner. And he remembers Magnus’ grin, bright and happy.  _ Excited _ .

 

    And there he is. Smiling like an idiot, his heart thumping against his ribcage, his blood buzzing, aching. 

And he loves every bit of it. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No matter what... you guys have to know that you will always deserve to love and be loved, I'll hopefully see you in two weeks <3


	29. Anatomy of Relationships part.3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back !!!  
> I hope you are all alright and ready for a new chapter !  
> have a good read!

When she wakes up on Saturday morning Isabelle is definitely excited; her finals are over, she has been able to sleep until ten and tomorrow night, she will join her girlfriend and stay at her place for a few days. They weren’t able to meet this week because of the finals but now that this time is over, they can make up for the time they lost. Izzy also can’t wait to see Lydia. If there is anything positive for what happened, beside Clary, it’s the the friendship her siblings, Magnus and she developed with Lydia. They doesn’t meet often but they make sure to give each others a call or send a few texts at least once a week. Girls night and dates night are awaiting her and the thought only is sufficient to make her smile widely against her cushion.

    As for today, she is meeting her brother for lunch and will spend the afternoon with him, something she has been impatient about, too. He even accepted to go  _ shopping, _ which knowing Alec is really rare, before they reunite with Jace and Magnus’ friends at his place for a movie night.

She was surprised at first, when Alec asked if he could spend some individual time with each of his siblings, it isn’t something that happens often, they usually meet the three of them; it’s easier, but she thinks she understands; individual time will allow them to talk about things they wouldn’t talk about if it they were all together. She hopes he will confide in her; she is worried about him. A lot. 

This is no secret that things have recently been difficult for her brother, Jace and Clary both told her what happened in the restaurant and Magnus informed her about the insomnias coming back a few days ago.

    She is almost sure this is the direct repercussions from the interaction he had with their parents and even though she is more proud of Alec than she could ever tell she still thinks that it shouldn’t have happen now. It was too soon; only three months. Alec has been brave, and Isabelle is proud of him for that; for standing up and for all the words he said. But she sure he wasn’t ready. And she isn’t sure he would have ever been. 

    What maybe worries her the most is that he hasn’t even opened to Magnus and Alec always opens up to his boyfriend. More than he does to anyone. Sure, he has a therapist now, but this is different, this can’t be compared.

    She looks at the time again. Half past ten. Maybe getting up would be a great idea if she wants to be at the restaurant in two hours. 

    God knows her brother is never late.

 

***

    Alec’s eyes are closed, but he isn’t sleeping. He isn’t sure he has slept at all through the night.

    Magnus isn’t in bed anymore, he felt him move and heard him leave the room earlier. It’s okay, he doesn’t expect his boyfriend to always wait for him, he doesn’t do it himself, but it saddens him, for some unknown reasons. It makes him feel alone.

    He doesn’t know what time it is. For all he knows it could be six in the morning, or six in the afternoon, he doesn’t really care.

    His eyes try to push themselves open but Alec resists it. He doesn’t want to see the world, he wants to sleep.

_     He is so tired. _

He thinks about his sister, he is supposed, or was supposed, to meet her today and he really wanted to, he was even happy about it until yesterday.

_     He just needs to sleep. _

_     He just needs to forget. _

    The door of the bedroom opens and he closes his eyes a little tighter, silently praying for Magnus to leave him alone, forever, silently praying for Magnus to never leave him alone.

“Alexander? It’s eleven already, you have to get up if you don’t want to make you darling sister wait.”

Eleven in the morning. It is so late. And it is so early. Too late. Too early. And he wants to sleep. He doesn’t answer. He pretends he still is asleep. 

 

“You know I know you’re awake right?”

He still doesn’t answer, silently begging for Magnus to understand. But he himself doesn’t even know what is to understand and it makes him want to scream.

Magnus sighs and Alec hears the sound of a tray being put down on the nightstand. 

The bed sinks and a hand lightly touches his face, so lightly, so gently, and it still startles him. And he wants to jerk away. And he wants to melt into it. And he keeps his eyes close so he doesn’t have to see. 

 

“What’s wrong?”

 

And his boyfriend’s voice is just so sweet, so soft, so compassionate,  too sweet, too soft, too compassionate.

 

“I don’t know.” He answers. 

 

He wants to lie. He wants to say that nothing is wrong. But he just can’t. He wants to say that everything is wrong because that’s how it feels. But he just can’t; it wouldn’t be the truth either.

He just doesn’t know. He doesn’t know.

Why does he feel like  _ that _ ? He was doing so well recently. He was okay. He was alright. He  _ felt _ okay. He  _ felt _ alright.

 

“Alright, is there anything I can do?”

“I don’t know.”

“Do you still want to spend the day with Izzy?”

“I don’t know.”

“Okay, that’s okay.”

 

Sometimes, Alec wonders how Magnus can put up with him like that. Sometimes, he wonders how is boyfriend can still be so gentle and understanding. Sometimes, he wonders how the Asian man can accept to put his needs first because Alec is too much of a mess. Sometimes, he wonders how it is possible that he is loved that much. Sometimes, Alec wonders if it wouldn’t be better for Magnus if they broke up.

He opens his eyes for the first time since he woke up, and, maybe, they are wet from the thought, but he doesn’t look at his boyfriend anyway. He looks straight in front of him and he doesn’t care if the light burns his eyes. He doesn’t care if it swallows him whole.

 

“You know, I think it would do you some good, to see your sister today. A little of fresh air. She has been so impatient to see you. And if you still don’t feel good when you’re back home, we cancel tonight’s movie night. And I promise I will not be angry.”

“Why?”

“Why what?”

 

Alec sits up to look at his boyfriend. He feels frustrated,  _ furious _ and he doesn’t know exactly why but he doesn’t want Magnus to tell him he will not be angry. Because it is not true. It can’t be true. 

 

“Why won’t you be angry?!”

 

Please, be angry, he almost begs. Because needs his guilt to be justified. He needs to think he can make up for it one day. And he needs the pain of being yelled at. He needs it so maybe he will not fight with his own brain, so maybe his thoughts would be one again, so maybe mind won’t be a  _ fucking _ mess.

 

***

 

Magnus blinks. He isn’t sure he understands the question. He isn’t sure he knows where Alec is going with that. He doesn’t understand what is wrong. What is wrong with him understanding his boyfriend and what is wrong with his boyfriend not accepting it.

 

“What? Why would I? Do you  _ want _ me to be angry?”

Alec snorts, infuriatingly so. He snorts like Magnus isn’t serious, like he shouldn’t be so surprised.

 

“Why are you like that?”

“Like  _ what _ , Alec?”

 

Alec stay silent, and he doesn’t even look at him and Magnus doesn’t,  _ can’t _ , understand what is happening. And it hurts because something is seriously wrong with his boyfriend and it feels like nothing can be done. It feels like Alec will not let him help.

The change has been brutal, Magnus thinks first; one day Alec was fine, twitchy, yes, but fine, laughing, smiling, eating,  _ talking _ , and the day after he could barely get out of bed, would snap at Magnus and would barely eat anything.

But the snapping has started before he refused to get up.

But the talking has diminished before he started snapping.

But maybe the change hasn’t been so brutal. Maybe this could have been prevented. Maybe Magnus could have say something before. Maybe he could have done something before. Maybe he shouldn’t have listen the answers Alec gave to his questions, to his worries.

Maybe things would be different right now.

 

“Alexander, please, talk to me.” Magnus begs. “Help me understand.”

“Like... _ That _ !” He spats “Understanding and compliant! And forgetting about yourself and  _ lying _ to me!”

 

Only then Magnus notices the tremor in his boyfriend’s voice.

 

“Alec-”

“Shut up! Don’t tell me that you aren’t because I won’t believe you! I’m ruining your plans and I’m ruining your days! How can you not be angry?! How can you still love me?!” Alec yells“Why don’t you just break up with me?” He adds, whispers  and Magnus’ heart breaks.

“Just because you are angry with yourself doesn’t mean I am as well and just because you don’t love yourself doesn’t mean I will not love you either. Alec, I love you. I love you and I will not break up with you. And  I am not angry, a little frustrated yes, sad, maybe, because you are not happy and you are not feeling well but I am not angry, you hear me Alec? I am not angry.”

“Why?”

“Because I get it.”

 

Alec huffs.

 

“No, I do, Alexander. Don’t you forget that your life isn’t easy but mine isn’t and has never been either. I also went through those days and time where I couldn’t meet with anyone and needed my privacy and where I couldn’t handle people talking or even breathing around me. So I get it. I understand that maybe you don’t want to be surrounded by people, even loved ones. You are not alone, Alec, you have to trust me on this.”

 

He really wants his boyfriend to understand. Right now, there is nothing he wants more. But Alec’s jaw and fist are stubbornly clenched.

Magnus sighs and stands. 

 

“I have to go now, I have lunch with Catarina and we’ll be making the groceries for tonight, Lydia are joining us. Don’t be late at your date with your sister, okay?” He says in defeats and kisses Alec’s cheek. “Contact me if there is anything you need.”

 

***

The restaurant where Isabelle and Alec took a reservation at is almost crowed. Alec had seem a little reluctant when she proposed the place but she is sure he will love it in the end.  It’s a small place with a cinema-themed decoration. There are portraits of famous actors, actresses, directors and others great faces of the film world from every time period, menus and dishes have movies names and if you make a reservation, your table will have a special decoration (And the table they gave her today is near the window with a Marilyn Monroe pop art print). It might be newly open but the originality of their dishes and their unique presentation made it a trendy place in no time.

    Isabelle has discovered the place with Maïa, between two exams, at lunch break. The food has been delicious, the waiters polite and warm and it has quickly become one of Izzy’s favourite restaurant.

    She looks by the window and look at the passing people, most of them in hurry, two friends, maybe lovers, are laughing together and a mother is seemingly yelling at her daughter, holding her wrist tightly to make her walk faster and maybe the little girl did something wrong. And maybe she had to be punished. Izzy doesn’t know, she can’t know, but Isabelle just wants to yell back at the mother because it brings more painful memories than she can handle. The memory of the humiliation that being violently scowled in the middle of a street is never really leave her.

    She has to wait a few more minutes before she finally can see her brother. He is late. By at least fifteen minutes and it is everything but normal. Because this is how Alec Lightwood is.  _ Alec Lightwood is never late _ . 

    He looks tired, even from afar, his shoulders slumped, his head lowered. He doesn’t even pay attention on where he walks. And a car is coming.

    She almost screams. And the chair she was sitting on falls on the floor with a loud thud as she stands up.

    The person in the car honks loudly. 

And Alec is on the sidewalk, mouth moving, probably apologising, and white as a sheet. And Isabelle can’t breathe.

    This not Alec, this not Alec, this is not Alec.

    Alec is careful.

    Alec is always careful.

    Alec is always _ too _ careful.

    She lets out a shaky breath and reassure the waiter that she’s fine as he puts her chair back up. 

    But she isn’t fine. She is furious. And she almost slap his brother the second he is in front of her. But she doesn’t. And she doesn’t say what she just saw as they sit down. She’d rather not, she wants them to have a good time. She needs them to have a good time. She doesn’t want to spoil their day. He was probably just in his thoughts. He still looks like he is somewhere else, far in his thoughts, far in his mind. Somewhere Isabelle can’t join him.

 

    “H-how are you?” She asks and gringes. 

 

    He looks up and he sighs.

 

“I had an... argument, with Magnus, this morning.”

    “Oh Alec.”

    “But it was my fault.” He adds with a shrug. “It was nothing, really. So… You’re finally done with your finals?”

 

    Isabelle doesn’t push, even if she wants to know what happened, even if she is worried, even if she wants to help.

    They talk about her finals and how hard some of them were and how she still believes she did amazing. Because she always does, she always succeed, she’s always at the top. Always. Because she, too, knows that a Lightwood doesn’t fail.

    And her success reaches Alec so fast that she, for once, doesn’t regret the kind of education they got. Because it’s hard, not allowing yourself to fail and it hurts. It hurts so often and so badly. And it’s so much pressure and so much anxiety that you sometimes forget what a good night of sleep his, what not feeling guilty about having fun is… What breathing without a weight on your chest is.

    But right now, none of that matters. Because Alec is smiling, widely, all teeth, and his eyes are shining with pride.

 

    “You’re going to be the best forensic of the country.” He says and she scoffs. “What? You’re already the smartest one in the family!”

 

    She rolls her eyes fondly, trying to hide the blush creeping at her cheeks.

 

    “I’m proud of you Iz. Never forget that, okay? I’m your proud big brother.”

    “Thanks, Alec.”

 

    A comfortable silence fall on them and Isabelle watches as her brother looks around him, taking the decors into account for the first time since he got there. She smiles at herself when she sees his lips twitch upward at the ‘ _ Birds _ ’ poster on the wall across them; it’s one of his favourite movies.

    To Izzy’s surprise, when the waiter comes at their table, Alec accepts for them to order two different dishes to share, something that usually annoys him, a lot; he likes having his own plate and his own food, even if he lets you taste.

    But she knows he wants to please her today, to make her happy. So she doesn’t ask, she doesn’t protest, she just accepts what he offers to her today.

    “So, what do you think? Do you like the place?” She asks, grinning.

    “It’s great.” Alec nods with a new smile.                      

    “I knew you would like it. It’s totally you, you movie nerd.”

 

    Alec shakes his head a little but his smile doesn’t fade. 

    If Isabelle was worried when she first saw him, across the street, he seems so much better that what she thought he was, he seems okay, fine, he seems great. And it’s a relief. It’s a relief that fills her lungs with hope. And if she knows better, if she’s seen him, if she’s noticed he is not feeling that okay, not feeling that fine, not feeling that great, she decides to hang into that small thread of hope. Just for a while. Just for a little bit.

 

    “So, are you still up for shopping with me after we finished this?” She asks when the waiter brings their order. 

    “Sure. I told you that we’ll go, I’m not backing away.” Alec assures before biting on a frie. “How are things going with Clary? Are you guys as in love as you were in high school?”

 

    Isabelle sighs and puts down the fork she just picked up.

 

    “I-I don’t know…” She answers.

 

    Alec frowns and she sighs again.

 

    “I mean, it’s different you know? We used to have that thing between us, that… Spark. And it was unique and always present and beautiful. And I never wanted to be apart from her.”

    “And now?”

    “I enjoy the time we have together but… She changed.  _ I _ changed. And so many things happened… To us, to our family… To you… Nothing is the same. And it feels like… The spark disappeared… I swear I’m trying, I want to have it back… I used to think she was the love of my life, I always wanted, I always hoped to meet her again and be with her. And I can have it now.” She closes her eyes and sighs. “But it is not working.” She barely whispers, sadness twisting her stomach.

 

***

 

The look on Isabelle’s face is so desperate that Alec can’t help but reach out to put his hand on hers. He knows how his sister always hopes high, the way he never dares to let himself do. He knows how hard she wants to believe in fate and love. He knows how much she’d love Clary in the past and how much they used to fight about it. 

He was just so immature about all of this, in the past. He had seen the red headed girl as a threat and Isabelle’s happiness as something he would never have. He is ashamed, at how jealous he was and how bad he reacted. He remembers how furious he was to see Jace and Clary acting as a couple to cover up the relationship and how funny everyone thought this was. Everyone but him. 

He hated her; her fiery hair and her fierce green eyes, her stubborn character and the way she talked like the world revolved around her. He hated her and her paintbrush and the way she found her way so easily in life when he was struggling to keep himself together as he had to take care about his siblings. He hated her and the easy life she had and that he hadn’t.

Alec wants to say something, he wants to reassure his sister, to comfort her, with the right words. But recently, it’s like something is blocking his thoughts, like a barrier has been built into his brain. A dam he can physically feel but can’t possibly push without it hurting. A barricade he isn’t sure how to destroy.

 

“I don’t know what to do Alec… Before I would have given her the world, I would’ve tell mum and dad for all I know but now… Now I wonder…  I… Should I break up with her?”

“You know,” Alec answers very carefully, “whatever you decide to do, I’ll be there and so will Jace. But if you decide that despite what you told me you still want to be with her  maybe… Maybe it’s better not to tell our parents… What I went through with-” He stops for a second, feeling his throat tightens. “With our parents… I- I wouldn’t want you to live it too…”

    “Alec,” Isabelle sighs, “even if… Even if I don’t end up with Clary, I might have to tell them, eventually.”

 

    Alec shakes his head a little but he doesn’t say, he doesn’t scream, the  _ ‘no’ _ burning his lips; he prays. He prays for her sister to not come to this. Because it’s just painful. So painful. Too painful. And he can’t bear the thought of seeing her suffer like he suffered. He can’t bear the thoughts of his baby sister being rejected by the two persons who created her, the two persons she used to look up to. It wouldn’t be fair; she deserves better, and so much more…

 

    “And maybe they will react just like they did with you, maybe they will reject me and throw me into the gutter but Alec, I will still have you, my big brother, and I’ll still have Jace and my friends… I know that no matter what you will never leave me alone. Just like I will never leave you alone.”

 

    Izzy squeezes his hand and Alec could swear he would have break if she hadn’t. 

 

    “It’s not like they are still talking to me and Jace anyway.” She says bitterly with a shrug.

“W-What?” Alec asks, almost feels dizzy already. 

“They haven’t been contacting us ever since they came and met you and Magnus.” She sighs. “I think they didn’t take the ‘we’re siding with our gay brother on that point now leave’ very well.”

 

Alec’s mind is spinning. Because he knows. He knows. He knows. This is all is fault. If it wasn’t for him his siblings wouldn’t be in this situation. They wouldn’t have to suffer from their parents’ silence. They wouldn’t have to take side. 

 

    “Alec, Alec, listen to me please!” 

 

    His head snaps up and his eyes meet Isabelle’s worried ones.

 

    “This is not your fault, you are not to blame, okay? It’s  _ their _ fault. It’s  _ their _ issue if they can’t handle you being gay and being happy with another man. And it’s  _ their _ problem if they can’t bear that Jace and I are supporting you. Okay? You didn’t choose to be the way you are, just like  _ I  _ didn’t. And you should be proud to be out on the world and to have such an amazing man next to you.”

    “I am.” He says, but his throat feels tight.

    “Now let’s eat, yes?” She demands with half a smile. “We wouldn’t want our food to be cold.”

 

    They eat in silence, none of them finding the strength to start a new conversation, both knowing too much about the other to even dare to talk.

    They still go shopping and the tension slowly goes away, washed out with a newfound complicity as Alec finds himself actually enjoying this moment with his sister, even when she makes him try some silly shirt he doesn’t think he could ever pull off. They are too bright or too daring, often too decorated.  It doesn’t match him. It never does. This not him. But it makes Isabelle smile and it makes her laugh and it makes him forget, just for an instant, everything that is going wrong with his life.

 

    “What do you think ?” Isabelle asks, startling him. “I think this suit you wonderfully.” She continues on. “You should wear it tonight, or on your next date out with Magnus, I mean, he would  _ love  _ seeing you like this. I’m not sure he will be able to keep his hands to himself.”

 

    Alec rolls his eyes but for the first time since he went out of the dressing room he takes the time to look at himself.

    It’s true, that this new shirt fits him well. It’s dark red - “mahogany”, Magnus would’ve said -, and the seams are golden. It fits him around his arms and around his chest. It makes him feel elegant, distinguished. It’s beautiful.

 

    “I’ll take it.” He says.

  
  


***

 

It’s not late when they reach Alec and Magnus’ apartment, the older man isn’t even here yet and Isabelle supposes he is still with Catarina and Lydia; they probably took some time to enjoy themselves as well. She sighs as she let herself fall on the couch. 

Jace will be there soon, so she must enjoy the last minutes she has with Alec to have him pampering her, like he always did when she dragged him shopping when they were teenagers. They used to walk for hours in the streets, until her feet hurt and ever so often, she would end up on her brother’s back, grinning widely as he complained about it. 

 

“I can’t feel my toes anymore.” 

“Yeah well, maybe you shouldn’t wear high heels all the time.”

“Don’t be mean big brother and give me so water.” She says with a pout. 

 

She doesn’t have to look at him to guess that he is rolling his eyes, and it makes her smile, because she knows, he can never resist her, perks of being the baby sister. 

But maybe she doesn’t, maybe she doesn’t know.

 

“I am not mean Iz, this is the truth, your feet wouldn’t hurt if you weren’t so stubborn and shopped with more comfortable shoes !”

“What was that for?”

“Nothing.”

 

Isabelle blinks a few time. She didn’t expect that. Taking a deep breath she stands up and walk to her brother. He is tensed, but his head hangs low his shoulders and she realises he has been that way ever since they stepped into the building. It reminds her of when she saw him by the window earlier, and she doesn’t understand; he was fine, just a few minutes, a few seconds ago, he was smiling and laughing with her.

 

“I have to start cooking dinner.” He says.

“Are you okay?” She asks.

“I’m fine.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, Isabelle, I’m sure.”

“You don’t look fine.” She insists. 

 

She doesn’t know why she does that, because she knows, she can see, that this is not that it isn’t helping Alec right now, that he wants her to give up on the matter, that he doesn’t want to talk about it… But maybe, maybe he needs to take it off of his chest, maybe if she pushes just a little more he will finally explode and the weight that is resting on his shoulders will disappear, a little, at least.

 

“I’m fine.” He repeats.

“Alec, earlier, when I was waiting for you on the restaurant, I saw you by the window-”

“And?”

“You seemed out of it, Alec, you were late and you didn’t look like yourself, you didn’t even see the car until the very last second! You could have had an accident! I’m worried about you, I’m you sister Alec. Talk to me, please.”

“And now you sound like Magnus this morning.”

“I don’t care that I sound like your boyfriend, because I would side with him there anyway, you clearly aren’t fine and need to talk!”

“And what do you want me to say?!” Alec yells. “That I didn’t want to come today?! That I wanted to stay in bed?! That I just wanted to disappear?! Would that make you feel better to know all of it ?!”

 

Isabelle opens her mouth, then close it, a few times. 

 

“No, Alec, I don’t feel better about knowing this, but don’t  _ you _ feel better, talking about it?.” She answers, hopeful.

 

“No.”

“Alec you- I have talked a lot with Magnus recently and… He told me you change your medication and that you were acting different even since… Maybe it’s related, have you talked with you psychiatrist about it? Have yo-”

“This isn’t the medication.”

“Alec you-”

“This isn’t the medication, Izzy.”

“But Alec, you can’t know, how could y-”

“Because there is no medication, Izzy!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you have ben under antidepressants and stopped all of sudden because you thought you were doing better or because the side effects it can have were weighing on your shoulders, then you might have guessed already, that Alec had stopped his medication. This is all based on my own experience, from when I once decided that I shouldn't take them anymore, which was a huge mistake and I don't recommend anyone to do the same.  
> If you feel better, it's thanks to the medication, if their is bithering side effects, talk to your therapist about it but don't, please, don't stop taking them. Because it will get better before it get worse. You'll be happy for a few days, weeks if you're lucky but then you can have mood swings, and higher anxiety and everything becomes Hell: sleeping, being awake, being with people, being alone...
> 
> If you're under medication, don't be ashamed and don't forget to take them, take care of yourself <3


	30. Bonus 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time for a new bonus but from Magnus point of view this time !
> 
> I'm sorry I haven't been answering to comments as regularly as I used to, there has been a lot on my mind in those few months... I hope you can forgive me !

         Magnus is a talented man, has always been, in everything he does -as long as he wants to do them-. He draws well, he sews and knits well, he dresses well, he has always got excellent grades, his makeup and fashion are flawless and his flirting is shameless but quite amazing.

         Magnus appears to be confident, he appears to be the kind of man everyone looks up to, is jealous of or admires. The kind of man everyone loves. 

         People think he is lucky, that he probably has and always had an easy life. But they couldn't be more wrong. They could not even begin to imagine fhat his life has been and how much he’s had to fight, how much he  _ still _ has to fight.

         Magnus is not that confident, because he knows he is “a lot” for most people. He knows that people hardly understand him. He knows that they will like him, as long as they don't get too close, as long as they don't see how messed up he really is.

         Magnus is not that lucky, especially when it comes to love. They always leave him. They never stay. They never fight for him. Ever. And his last relationship… Magnus doesn't even want to think about it.

         And he thought it was over.

         And he thought he had closed himself for good.

 

_Chained his heart and dropped the key, threw it far far away._

 

         Too far for anyone to retrieve it.

         But Magnus couldn't have been more wrong. And it took him a look to realise it. 

         It took him a voice and a blush and a shy smile and hazel eyes.

         It took him a man.

         It took him Alexander Lightwood.

 

_ It must have been be fate, a sign of any kind. _

_ It must have been hope, now that he thinks about it. _

 

         There is something about Alec, something unique.

         And it's not how handsome he is.

         And it's not how kind he is.

         And it's not how smart he is.

         No.

 

_ There is something devastatingly fragile about him. _

_ Something devastatingly strong, also. _

_Something so devastatingly beautiful._

 

         And Magnus wants to touch it, with the tip of his fingers. He wants to understand it. He wants to know everything about it.

         What is it? What is this sweetness in his pupils when they look at Magnus, when he stares? This joy and this guilt fighting against each others? This excitement. 

         What is it? What is this sadness that they hold? How does he stands tall and still when it lookd like he is wearing the world on his shoulders and the universe in his eyes?

         What is this determination in his gaze? And where does it come from?

 

_ It must be pain. _

_ It must be something terrible. _

_ And it must be love, now that he thinks about it. _

_ It must always has been about love. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PSA: FRAGILE DOESN'T EQUAL WEAK. BEING FRAGILE DOESN'T MEAN YOU'RE AREN'T STRONG.
> 
> My finals are this month so I probably wont post until June... I hope you liked this little bonus though !!!!


	31. Card Castle

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there!  
> I first of all want to apology for the time I took to post this chapter. I must admit that despite getting my diploma ( I'm officialy a web designer, yay !!!) I went through a rough time for no - apparent - reason other that my crippling depression. I couldn't write a word, especially because this chapter (and probably the next as well) is really intense and could even be triggering. It was a little for myself at least. But it's also something we don't talk enough about.  
> I've also been very busy catching up with friends and family as I was back in my hometown.
> 
> I really hope you can forgive me for making you wait so long.
> 
> Love,
> 
> Twykad.

    The silence is heavy. They are looking at each others, brother and sister, and it’s like the world around them has turned to black. It’s only them and the pieces of a puzzle Isabelle took just too long to put up together.

    The mood swings, the nervosity Magnus talked about, the over excitement, the too much.

    She should have guessed, she should have known; she studied the symptoms before, she read about them. It has been obvious and she has been blind.

    She wanted Alec to be better, to feel better, she had wanted it so much, too much and just like that her eyes, her brain, her instincts have tricked her, hid the truth, made it impossible to realise.

 

_     Alec isn’t taking his medication anymore. _

_ Alec isn’t under his medication anymore. _

_     Alec doesn’t have his antidepressants anymore. _

    And this is not okay.

    And this is not right.

    And this is not fine.

_     This is dangerous. _

_     This is terrifying. _

_     This is unacceptable. _

 

    “We have to tell the others.” She says and Alec flinches.

    “No.”

 

    Alec’s tone is determined. This is meant to be final. To be the final period to the discussion, to put an end to it, to not let any space for Izzy to argue and show her point and express her opinion, but she can’t accept that, not right now, not ever. This is too serious and she will not let this go. She will not bend and she will not accept it. She can’t. She won’t.

 

    “Does your therapist even know?” She asks.

 

    Her voice is harsh, because she already knows the answer and it infuriates her.

    Alec looks down.

 

    “Alec! Do you even realise what you are doing?!”

    “I’m fine!”

    “You were not! It has only been three months Alec, you can’t be fine! You need the meds! It’s important!”

    “This isn’t any of your concern!”

    “Yes it is! I’m your sister! I’m your family! This  will always be of my concern whether you want it or not!” She answers, her voice shaking a little. “We have to tell the others.” She repeats. “Magnus and Jace deserve to know and so does your therapist,  _ she _ especially needs to know!”

    “Izzy, no!”

“If _ we _ don’t tell them, _ I _ will.”

    “NO! This is not your place to say anything. We are not telling anything. I know what I’m doing. End of the discussion.”

    “I’m pretty sure that you  _ don’t _ know what you are doing, Alec.”

    “What can’t you just _ trust _ me?! Is that too much to ask from you?!”

 

    Silence falls again. Just as heavy. Isabelle wants to insist, she wants to yell, too, she wants to show her brother reason. But her mouth stays shut and her mind tries to comprehend. How dares he question her trust in him? Why can’t he see how important this is? Why can’t Alec realise that this isn’t a secret he can keep? That this isn’t a secret  _ she _ can keep?

    Alec shakes his head.

 

    “I have to start cooking dinner.” he says, again.

 

    Izzy’s jaw clenches. It’s unfair, how he makes her, forces her, to drop the subject. But she doesn’t argue, not right now. She doesn’t want to ruin the party before it even starts. 

    She watches him instead. 

    She has always loved watching her brother cook and bake. She remembers how many times he saved the dishes she had made, and how he scowled, and how he would try to banish her from the kitchen but could never really. 

    She has always been jealous of his skills, always wanted to be as talented as he is and tried her best to cook just as well. And she can’t help but smiling when she remembers all those times he and Jace forced themselves to eat even when it made them sick.

    She loves to watch her brother cook, he always cracks jokes with her and they can talk about nothing and everything. But not this time. This time is different; Alec doesn't joke. He doesn't even smile; his lips stay shut, pressed against each others in a thin frustrated line. The tension is so dense Isabelle can almost grasp it between her fingers and she isn't sure for how long she can handle this, for how long she can stay here before she starts suffocating.

 

***

 

    They used to have a code, when something was wrong with one others, it’s something they used to use all the time, it’s something they, nowaday, don’t use often, it’s something they haven’t used in years. That’s why Jace is still a bit surprised, still a bit puzzled and definitely worried ever since he received a big “RED” from Isabelle. 

    There were three colors, for different levels, different needs. 

    Blue, when one of them is most likely angry or on edge, it is a warning: “X isn’t feeling so great, be careful around them”. Jace wants to smile, fondly, at all those times he and Izzy had used it about Alec, when the pressure of having to be perfect for their parents started to eat his mind, when they didn’t even realize it was, when they could barely tell how wrong all of this was for him to be treated like that, maybe then they would have use the purple.

    Purple, when one of them might need some comfort, or a lot of it, they will usually bring them the food they like the most and make sure everything is alright. Ask if they want to be alone or its contrary. Make sure the other knows they are here. Jace wants to smile, fondly, at all those times Isabelle was on her period, with unbearable cramp. And all those times she got her heart broken.They would buy chocolate and all the junk food she is fond of. They then would sit on the sofa with her and watch whatever stupid show she wants. 

Red. 

    Red.

_     Red _ .

    Red is for emergencies.

    Red is when one of them needs immediate help.

    Red is when one of them is deeply hurt, emotionally, physically. 

    Red is when one of them is in distress.

    They only used red once.

    Only one time.

And it had been for Max.

    Because it had been easier to use a colour that to use words.

    Because it took them away from the reality of the tragedy.

    Because it felt separate from the truth.

    Because it was less scary than saying what truly happened.

    And they never used the code again.

    Until today.

    Jace knows where his siblings are. They are at Magnus and Alec’s apartment.

    But the word on his screen tells no lies. And he looks at it without blinking, staring at them like they will eventually disappear and take off the weight that he suddenly carries on his chest.

    Something has happened there, and it takes him a minute before he can move again.

    It doesn’t take him long to reach the building but it does feel like eternity. And he can’t stop thinking about the code. And he can’t tries not to think about anything that could have gone wrong.

    He still holds his breath when he put his finger on the bell.

    He still holds his breath in the elevator.

    He still holds his breath when he is in front of the door of his brother and Magnus’ apartment, ignoring the one behind him.

    Alec is the one who opens the door and Jace doesn’t understand, because he seems fine with his apron and  wooden spoon and that stupid surprised look on his face.

 

    “Jace? What are you doing there? I thought you were coming around seven…”

 

    Jace blinks a few times; his voice caught in his throat for a few seconds.

 

    “I… Izzy sent me a red code.”

 

***

 

    Alec is mortified. His heart is beating so fast right now he fears it might go through his chest, tiring it apart, escaping his body. 

 

    “Are you okay?” Jace asks and Alec wants to scream. “Izzy, what happened?”

 

    Alec didn’t even hear her come behind him. He doesn’t turn to look at her just yet, he just hopes, he prays for her to stay silent, to keep his secret. Jace doesn’t need to know, he doesn’t need to be more worried. Alec is alright, he is doing just fine, he doesn’t need to be watched after, he doesn’t need his siblings to hover over him.

 

    “Alec stopped taking his medication.” She says. 

 

    He spins on his heels. And he tries. He tries not to let the anger overcome him. He tries to keep it inside. He tries to ignore the rage that twists his insides. He tries. And he tries. But he can’t.

 

    “HOW DARE YOU?!” He roars, unable to contain anything anymore. “Why would you do that ?! This wasn’t your secret to tell Isabelle!”

    “Alec, list-”

    “You had no right !”

    “Alec calm down…” Jace tries.

    “NO, she had  _ NO RIGHT _ .”

    “I’m trying to protect you!” Isabelle yells, her voice cracking in despair. “Alec, let me h-”

    “YOU  _ CAN’T _ FIX ME!” He yells back, and comes out of breath. “This is  _ my _ fight. This is  _ my _ issue. And who knows or doesn’t about it is  _ my _ decision. And  _ this _ is certainly not worth a code red.” Alec spats, breathing heavily. “This code thing is just a fucking bad joke anyway. Ever since Max’s death.”

 

    Izzy opens then closes her mouth several times, without a sound coming out of it. Hurt, pain, distress so clear and profound in her eyes that Alec can barely hold the sight of it. Jace is silent and he hopes he stays that way.  He goes back to the kitchen, without uttering any more words himself. He wants to scream at the world and he wants to cry. But he doesn’t; he goes back to the kitchen and continues to cut the vegetables.

    The sound of the knife hitting the wooden cutting board grounds him.

_     Thud thud thud _ .

 

    “Alec.” Jace calls after a moment.

 

    Alec looks up, his siblings are on the other side of the counter, Jace looks straight at him, Isabelle has her head down, ashamed.

_     Thud thud thud _ .

 

    “I know you feel like betrayed right now and that you are angry but Iz did it for your own good… You can’t keep a secret like this one from us, it isn’t right.” He says and Izzy’s head snaps up to look at the blond man in a awe. Alec hates it.

 

_     Thud thud thud _ .

 

    “So now you’re on  _ her _ side?”

 

_     Thud thud thud _ .

 

    “I’m not on anyone’s side Alec, you know that, but you can’t stop taking your meds like that, especially after…” He trails off and gulps. “You know.”

    “What? Say it.”

    “She is worried Alec, scratch that,  _ we _ are worried. Izzy, me, _ Magnus _ and even Lydia is worried. We just don’t want you to try anything again.”

    “I _ won’t _ .” He answers between gritted teeth.

 

_     Thud thud thud _ .

    He won’t, and he says it over and over again.

 

    “I won’t.” He says but he doesn’t tell that, God, sometimes he wants to. Because just the thought of it take his breath away. Because just the thought of it overwhelms him and makes him lose feet, makes him drown. He put the knife down and inhales deeply. He can already feel the anguish creeping up at him. He can already feel his hands shaking.

    “Alec… Are you okay?”

    “Can you… Can you just… Leave until Magnus comes here? Please.” He almost begs.

 

    He needs to be alone. Because three is too much right now. Because two would be too much as well. Because he needs space. He needs so much space. He needs a desert.

    Izzy goes to protest but Jace… For once Jace seems to understand what he really needs. For once Jace listen, and he takes their sister with him.

    Alec waits to hear the the front door opening and closing again before he lets himself slump on the kitchen floor.

    Because everything is too big and too small, all at the same time and he can’t stand anymore. There is too much to breathe but  also not enough. And he doesn't know what to do with all this place that is suffocating him. And it would be so easy to go to the bathroom and slice his veins with a razorblade, it would be so easy to do it right there, right now, with a knife. And it would be so easy to take his bottle of drugs and take it all, all the pills he was supposed to have taken already and all of the others. And it would be so easy to just go on the rooftop, go on the balcony and jump. And it would be so easy to hang himself with one of the tie from Magnus’ drawers. So easy. So easy. So easy… So easy, and so tempting.

    But he won’t.

    He won’t.

    He _won’t_.

    He is stronger than that. He knows he is. He just needs something, a little something that will keep him on his feet and hold his hands, hold him back together. 

    He needs to scream, but he can’t; it’s caught in his throat like a mouse in a trap, dying a little more every time he opens his mouth to release it.

    He needs water. Or a shower. He needs water all over him, cold, refreshing. Because he feels so  _ so _ hot. His ears are on fire, his neck and cheeks blazing. His whole body burning.

    He stands and his legs are shaking. He doesn’t understand, how can this affects him so much? How can this put him in such a state of mind? This is silly. He is ridiculous. 

    The bathroom suddenly seems too far from the kitchen. So far that it probably takes him a eternity to reach it. And he doesn’t understand why all the memories are invading him so suddenly.

But the bathroom is so similar.

All the apartments of the building are the same, organised akinly. There is the entry, and then there is the living room and the kitchen, both separated from each others by a counter. And then there is a corridor with four doors; three rooms and a bathroom. The floor is covered with floorboard everywhere. Except in the bathroom where bright white tiles are reigning, matching the color of the sink and the bathtub. The shower curtain is a pale blue with white shells drawn on it (Magnus hates that curtain.) and there is a mirror above the sink.

It never occured to Alec before, how similar it is, because Magnus doesn’t use the products Isabelle and Jace use, he doesn’t use the same shampoo and the same shaving cream than Jace and he doesn’t use the same makeup and nail polish than Isabelle. But now, _ now _ , he sees everything, and this is just so  _ fucking _ similar.

    So fucking _ identical. _

    His eyes are drawn to his scars and he can see them again, open, blood escaping his body, running the length of his forearms messily, dropping at the elbow, heavily on the cold tiles as he desperately looked for his sleeping pills.

    He remembers the fascination.

    He remembers the hope.

    And when he remembers how good the pain had felt, he loses his breathe.

    And it would be so  _ so _ easy to do it again. 

 

***

 

    Magnus loves his friends, he remembers when Raphael and he met Catarina and how easily she had made her place in their world along with Ragnor. And how he knew Raphael and he would never be alone anymore. How it wasn’t only the two of them against the world anymore. 

    For a few years, it had seem that they had a specific role in their small group of friends. Ragnor was usually the wise one, the voice of the reason who yet was always happy to cause some troubles and went through a punk phase with green hair and that seriousness always plastered on his face. Raphael was the grumpy and quiet kid, the youngest, the angriest, raging against the world and how unfair it always was to them. Magnus the eccentric, with a façade made of concrete, the one who tried to never fall, the most problematic one, too. And Catarina… Sweet Catarina was the one who always tried to compromise and fixe everything, every mess they’d make, she was the mother and the sister and the friend.

    It isn’t like this anymore, no, Ragnor is still wise of course and Raphael is still grumpy, most of the time, and Magnus is still eccentric with all his clothes and makeup, and     Catarina is still the mother figure of their friends but balance has been found and others have tagged along: Tessa with Will and Jem and the throuple that they form. And then… Alec and his siblings, and now Lydia.

    Magnus smiles, he has had a fairly good day, considering how it has started. But it isn’t surprising, Catarina has always known how to cheer him up, with her brilliant mind and her wicked sense of humour, her sweetness and her sarcasm and her lack of mercy when someone pisses her off. And Lydia looks so happy that she gets to join, that they don’t only look at her as the woman who saved a boyfriend and a brother,  that she doesn't bring them the flashback of their worst nightmare come true.

    He doesn’t mention Alec though, nor the quarrel they had this morning. It’s not that he doesn’t want to or that he doesn’t trust his friends but he is scared of what they might tell him. He is scared of the conclusion Alec’s behaviour will bring them to. He wishes he had the strength to hear and see it.

    Magnus is not stupid, he knows that whatever Alec is going through is everything but good, potentially severe.

    Magnus is not stupid, he knows the subject. Ragnor told him about it and he made his own researches.

    Magnus is not stupid, he knows what the effects changing, or most likely stopping, antidepressant are, he’s seen them before. 

    Magnus is not stupid, he knows that a high percentage of person who survived a suicide attempt are prone to try it again between the third and fourth month after the first.

    Magnus is not stupid, but that doesn’t mean he is ready to face that possible truth.

    Magnus is not stupid, but that doesn’t mean he can’t go blind.

    He startles when a hand suddenly appears before his eyes.

 

    “Hey Magnus,” Catarina says visibly trying not to show her amusement, “for how long you plan to keep on staring at those pastries?”

 

    He blinks.

    Right, they are in a bakery.

 

    “I don’t know.” He sighs. “Maybe until I can make a choice.”

    “If you don’t make one right now, it’s going to be time to go home before we can even have our coffee break. And we still won’t have the dessert we are supposed to bring back.” Lydia teased.

 

    Magnus must admits; they didn’t quite respect the afternoon plans and did more shopping than groceries, which he doesn’t regret as he now has brand new clothes for tonight as well as a new nude lipstick, supposedly transfer-proof, that he just can’t wait to try and put to the test and see how well it resists kissing.

    Catarina has found a beautiful mustard coloured summer hat had that does wonder for her complexion and he promised to find her a matching makeup look and will design her the perfect dress to go with, they’ll just have to find a pair of shoes later to be sure the look reaches perfection. She had give him a gentle smile and nod and he had beamed; he loves making clothes for his friends, even if his two colleagues are always insisting on him to focus more on their clients demands. 

    Lydia didn’t buy anything but Magnus had promised they’ll find some accessories that will allow him to create a unique outfit for her as well. 

 

    “I will take the matcha macaron.” He ends up ordering and grins at Lydia’s grimace. “What?”

    “Nothing. Your tastes are just a mystery to me.”

 

    Magnus let out a chuckles.

 

    “What can I say? I’m sophisticated.” He replies with a wink.

 

    She pushes him lightly with a laugh as Catarina roll her eyes.

    There order in hand, they sit at a round little table. The doctor and the nurse are soon showering Magnus with anecdotes and gossips from work and even if they avoid giving any name or describing any faces he finds it utterly amusing. The gossip bits are his favorite. It’s amazing to see how sometimes rumours in a place of work, in an  _ hospital _ , can have the same level as the ones you’d hear in highschool.

    He remembers the ones there were about him, especially after he started wearing makeup, they had bloomed up and it had went to the point where he had had to explain to at least half of his grade that no, wearing makeup doesn’t make him less of a man and how gender and sexuality so much more than the way you look. 

    He remembers the ones about Catarina, all related to her ethnicities, all about colours, to her deep chocolate skin, to her platinum hair and the blueness of her eyes. They were so sure something was wrong with her they couldn’t see how perfect she really is.

    He remembers all the who dates who and all those ridiculous things that somehow always seemed very important back then. As if knowing everything about everyone was necessary to survive in highschool. He had always hated it. How mean it could be, how exciting it could get, how addicting it was. 

 

    “And now, there is this bet jar in one of the closets on who between Aline and Helen is going to propose first.” Catarina says with a chuckle.

    “And why is it in a closet?”   
“Because the girls would kill us if they knew.”

 

    Magnus rolls his eyes, trying hard not to smile. He is about to answer when his phone rings.

 

    “I’m sorry ladies, but this is Alec’s ringtone, I’m going to answer that.”

 

    He can’t help but wondering why his boyfriend is calling. He kind of hopes that it isn’t a call to cancel the night. He feels a little selfish for wishing that but he really wants to enjoy a night with his friends. He really wants to be free from the tension that has been weighing on the apartment for a while now. He really wants to forget how the joy is leaving his home again. And he hopes, he _ hopes  _ that Alec needs something for tonight, that something, anything is missing in the kitchen.

 

    “Hello darling,” he greets pressing the phone against his ear, “do you need something?”

 

    And he wishes, he  _ wishes _ that his boyfriend’s erratic breathe and whimpers is just a fragment of his imagination. But it isn’t. 

    And his heart drops.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dear everyone, if you know anyone under medication, anti depressants and that person suddenly stop taking them, don't yell at them, don't get angry and don't tell it to others. Be calm and try to discuss it.  
> Medication can be very tricky, anti depressants can be awful and they can also give you the illusion that you are fine now and don't need them anymore. It's important to try to understand why someone would stop taking them without the doctor autorisation, it's important to be compassionate and be there for them. It's not easy, it's never easy, but it's necessary.
> 
> The fact about the re attempt after three months is true, and very important to know. 
> 
> Of everything about selfharm and suicide attempt, the temptation of doing it again is the hardest to resist. I've been clean from self harm for 1 year and 10 1/2 months now, and it's still hard to resist. It's still something I need to fight.
> 
> I really wanted to stress out the fact that being in a place that is looking similar can have a triggering effect, especially if you are in a bad place. 
> 
> Finally, I hope you all know that you are loved and you are not alone, whatever it is you are living, you are not alone, and it will get better. Even if it takes time, it will get better. I promise.

**Author's Note:**

> Kudos and comments are love <3


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